🥚🍳🥚🍳🥚

(wakes up in a cold sweat) ga, ga, goncharov, member of the russian mob

there was a man who did so much crime

ga ga goncharov, italy’s most famous slav

he really thought he had enough time

throwback to when i got a phishing email which inexplicably contained part of the great gatsby

i say no homo to other humans in case they interpret something im doing as something a human would do

14 year old me fucking went off with this one

she’s a poor little meow meow. she was born in a wet cardboard box all alone. she’s suffered more than jesus. she’s misunderstood. she’s a silly guy. she experienced the horrors. she did all those crimes. she has done nothing wrong. she deserves to kill. she’s the most interesting girl in the world. i didn’t say a name, but she popped into your head, didn’t she?

i dont enjoy writing as a hobby because it feels like when people try to take pictures of mirrors to sell online and clearly put effort into minimizing their reflection but theres still an arm and phone in the frame or you can see their fucked up carpeted kitchen in the background with like a wall to wall collection of dusty antlers. im saying someone will notice i have a weird house because i was so focused on nobody noticing that i was naked while taking a pic of this mirror for craigslist and i cant have that but im not getting dressed because its my house. you understand of course

"GREEN EGGS AND HAM" (by Doctor Seuss)

I AM SAM. I AM SAM. SAM I AM.

THAT SAM-I-AM! THAT SAM-I-AM! I DO NOT LIKE THAT SAM-I-AM!

DO WOULD YOU LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM?

I DO NOT LIKE THEM,SAM-I-AM.

I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM.

WOULD YOU LIKE THEM HERE OR THERE?

I WOULD NOT LIKE THEM HERE OR THERE.

I WOULD NOT LIKE THEM ANYWHERE.

I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM-I-AM.

WOULD YOU LIKE THEM IN A HOUSE?

WOULD YOU LIKE THEN WITH A MOUSE?

I DO NOT LIKE THEM IN A HOUSE.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM WITH A MOUSE.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM HERE OR THERE.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANYWHERE.

I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM-I-AM.

WOULD YOU EAT THEM IN A BOX?

WOULD YOU EAT THEM WITH A FOX?

NOT IN A BOX. NOT WITH A FOX.

NOT IN A HOUSE. NOT WITH A MOUSE.

I WOULD NOT EAT THEM HERE OR THERE.

I WOULD NOT EAT THEM ANYWHERE.

I WOULD NOT EAT GREEN EGGS AND HAM.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM-I-AM.

WOULD YOU? COULD YOU? IN A CAR?

EAT THEM! EAT THEM! HERE THEY ARE.

I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT, IN A CAR.

YOU MAY LIKE THEM. YOU WILL SEE.

YOU MAY LIKE THEM IN A TREE!

I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT IN A TREE.

NOT IN A CAR! YOU LET ME BE.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM IN A BOX.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM WITH A FOX.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM IN A HOUSE.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM WITH A MOUSE.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM HERE OR THERE.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANYWHERE.

I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM-I-AM.

A TRAIN! A TRAIN! A TRAIN! A TRAIN!

COULD YOU, WOULD YOU ON A TRAIN?

NOT ON TRAIN! NOT IN A TREE!

NOT IN A CAR! SAM! LET ME BE!

I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT, IN A BOX.

I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT, WITH A FOX.

I WILL NOT EAT THEM IN A HOUSE.

I WILL NOT EAT THEM HERE OR THERE.

I WILL NOT EAT THEM ANYWHERE.

I DO NOT EAT GREEM EGGS AND HAM.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM-I-AM.

SAY! IN THE DARK? HERE IN THE DARK!

WOULD YOU, COULD YOU, IN THE DARK?

I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT, IN THE DARK.

WOULD YOU COULD YOU IN THE RAIN?

I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT IN THE RAIN.

NOT IN THE DARK. NOT ON A TRAIN.

NOT IN A CAR. NOT IN A TREE.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM, YOU SEE.

NOT IN A HOUSE. NOT IN A BOX.

NOT WITH A MOUSE. NOT WITH A FOX.

I WILL NOT EAT THEM HERE OR THERE.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANYWHERE!

YOU DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM?

I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM-I-AM.

COULD YOU, WOULD YOU, WITH A GOAT?

I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT WITH A GOAT!

WOULD YOU, COULD YOU, ON A BOAT?

I COULD NOT, WOULD NOT, ON A BOAT.

I WILL NOT, WILL NOT, WITH A GOAT.

I WILL NOT EAT THEM IN THE RAIN.

NOT IN THE DARK! NOT IN A TREE!

NOT IN A CAR! YOU LET ME BE!

I DO NOT LIKE THEM IN A BOX.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM WITH A FOX.

I WILL NOT EAT THEM IN A HOUSE.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM WITH A MOUSE.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM HERE OR THERE.

I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANYWHERE!

I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM!

I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM-I-AM.

YOU DO NOT LIKE THEM. SO YOU SAY.

TRY THEM! TRY THEM! AND YOU MAY.

TRY THEM AND YOU MAY, I SAY.

sAM! IF YOU LET ME BE,

I WILL TRY THEM. YOU WILL SEE.

(... and he tries them ...)

SAY! I LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM!

I DO! I LIKE THEM, SAM-I-AM!

AND I WOULD EAT THEM IN A BOAT.

AND I WOULD EAT THEM WITH A GOAT...

AND I WILL EAT THEM, IN THE RAIN.

AND IN THE DARK. AND ON A TRAIN.

AND IN A CAR. AND IN A TREE.

THEY ARE SO GOOD, SO GOOD, YOU SEE!

SO I WILL EAT THEM IN A BOX.

AND I WILL EAT THEM WITH A FOX.

AND I WILL EAT THEM IN A HOUSE.

AND I WILL EAT THEM WITH A MOUSE.

AND I WILL EAT THEM HERE AND THERE.

SAY! I WILL EAT THEM ANYWHERE!

I DO SO LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU, SAM I AM.

@eggblackoutpoetry

God, the platonic tension is crazy. They wanna be friends so bad.

Misread this as tectonic plates and thought that this post was about how the tectonic plates wanna be friends with eachother

God, the tectonic tension is crazy. They wanna create a mag 9 earthquake so bad.

shout out to the older woman in the snack aisle at walmart who just answered her phone and snapped “i’m in an important meeting, what do you want?”

One time on a beautiful sunny day I was sitting next to a man in an ice cafe and he got a call and answered with "so sorry, I can't come, I'm at a funeral right now :(" then turned to me and winked.

They were very playing twentyonepilots at the grocery store i peed a little

It’s almost distressing how talented he is

@official-egg-posts @archive-of-our-eggs

my favorite piece of disney trivia is that the guy who designed goofy fucking hated him and beat the shit out of him in the parking lot once

okay in my sleep deprived state i worded this really weirdly so let me just clarify he beat up walt disney. not goofy. goofy remains at large.

fake ass pathetic man liker i bet you dont even fantasize about pushing him down stairs and making him cry

no hold on. we can do that too

pplleeaasse foor. the. loovvee. oof. good heellpp. mme

Apple inc assigned typing quirk