everyone shut the fuck up and look at this snake named barcode

hello and welcome to another episode of Weird Biology with me, your host Bunjy! this week’s creature is hard to see and kind of dangerous, so we’re just going to watch our step as we-

OOP WATCH OUT!

you almost stepped on him!

you should be more careful, you could have really hurt his feelings.

it’s time to meet-

*muffled hysterical laughter*

the Gaboon Viper is found in the forests and savannas of sub-Saharan Africa. its boldly patterned scales are perfectly camouflaged against the forest floor, making it all but invisible. 

its incredible striking speed and strength are renowned throughout the reptile world, and its venomous bite is powerful enough to kill even a grown man! clearly, this is not a creature to be trifled with.

and it is, as they say in herpetologist circles, a Swarthy Lad.

*continued hysterical laughter*

as you may have noticed from the pictures, the Gaboon Viper is very, uh, wide. and flat. like a pancake. a pan-snake, if you will. in fact, they’re so wide that their wikipedia page has an entire measurement category called “girth” just for them. (no, I’m not joking) and it’s over 14 inches, if you were curious. that’s usually a measurement reserved for pizzas.

there’s good reason for this, because the Gaboon Viper is the heftiest viper in the world! they generally reach only 4-5 feet long, but may weigh nearly twenty pounds. that’s completely fucking ridiculous.

that’s like a normal snake, if that normal snake had just eaten a couple of 7-pound free weights.

Gaboon Vipers are at the top of the snake list for a lot of different qualities, as it turns out. it’s not just that manhole cover physique, this snake has the WHOLE package. they are known for being incredibly fast despite their size, and for wrestling prey to the ground with their sheer strength like it’s the last five seconds of a ladder match. but now get ready for a real double whammy-

they have the longest fangs of any snake! OF ANY SNAKE. they also produce the most venom per bite of any snake! OF ANY SNAKE. wow! fuck!

aaaa! I still think you’re adorable!

those fangs are two fucking inches long, for reference. two inches. let’s think about that for a minute. 

oookay we’re done thinking about that. so now let’s consider the fact that a Gaboon Viper can deliver up to 7 ml of venom per bite! alright, so that doesn’t sound like a lot. but please remember that the lethal dose for a human is 0.06 ml. jesus. imagine carrying enough poison in your face to kill like a thousand people.

and for a species that mostly eats small animals like rabbits, this is absolutely stupid amounts of overkill. like, hunting-pigeons-with-a-rocket-launcher levels of overkill.

people probably would be into that if it was allowed, actually.

alright, so we’ve definitely laid out the facts that make Gaboon Vipers so terrifying. but now I’ll hit you with the good news! 

human deaths from Gaboon Viper bites are very, very, very rare. and it’s because Gaboon Vipers are very good flat boys.

no seriously, some of that is because Gaboon Vipers live way the fuck out in the woods but it’s mostly because these snakes are some of the most laid-back reptiles in existence.

yes, really.

don’t have a cow, man.

Gaboon Vipers are tolerant, docile animals that are extremely unlikely to bite you. in fact, they’re so chillax that scientists have been able to pick them up barehanded and stick them in collection boxes.  (WE DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS. SCIENTISTS ARE OFTEN A LITTLE NUTS.) apparently the snakes just kind of went along with it. maybe they were bored? 

usually when people ARE bitten, it’s because they didn’t see the snake and fucking stepped on it. and even then, stomping on a Gaboon Viper doesn’t always earn a bite. (BUT DON’T DO THAT. IT’S MEAN.)

they’re good sweet boys, is what I’m getting at here.

the GOODEST good boy. look at his widdle face.

thankfully, the Gaboon Viper is doing pretty okay! the species is still widely distributed, and has a conservation status of Least Concern. (it probably helps that they have so little conflict with humanity! chillness is its own virtue.)

it’s not often that I close a Weird Biology article with that kind of good news, so this deserves to be celebrated! clap your hands and jump around a bit! Yaaay, Gaboon Viper! we love your chubby little face and your ridiculously chill lifestyle!

maybe we could all take a lesson from the Gaboon Viper, and relax a little more.

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thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.

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IMAGE SOURCES

img1- Wikipedia.zh img2- The National Zoo img3- Julie Larsen Maher @WCS img4- reptiletalk.net img5- Reptiles Magazine img6- AnimalSpot.net img7- Carnivora img8- AboutAnimals.com

From the Rattlecam project- "The first baby garter snake has arrived at the den! It immediately found the perfect pillow."

More rattlesnake snuggles, from the same location.

I know a lot of the time in captive care settings, we warn keepers that their snakes aren't cuddling- that they're competing for resources. And I'm of the opinion that for the vast majority of captive snakes, they don't benefit from prolonged, enforced conspecific contact.

But it's fascinating to watch these rattlesnake cams because rattlesnakes do benefit from prolonged conspecific contact. Rattlesnakes den together, and several of them are highly social species. If I was designing an exhibit for rattlesnakes, I'd certainly put more than one animal in there, because when you observe them in the wild they spend so much time together- which we didn't know until we started setting up cameras to observe them. It just goes to show that you really need to pay attention to the particular needs of individual species. What's good for rattlers and garters isn't necessarily good for ball pythons and cornsnakes.

Beautiful Pit Viper (Trimeresurus venustis), family Viperidae, Thailand

Venomous.

photograph by Justin Coburn

So in addition to the awe I feel at this gorgeous, gentle creature's natural ability to refract light like a hologram

there's a moment in here where her body looks like it's been selected in a video game HUD and that amuses me greatly

I feel like in order to REALLY appreciate a rainbow boa's iridescence, you've gotta see one in motion. So here's Watermelon again :3

Lindy Pollard
Oregon, 2022

Idea:  Sitcom about two wacky roommates sharing a cramped studio apartment but it’s a talking a gopher tortoise and a talking rattlesnake in a hole in the ground

Bruh,,,,

The Hognose Snake has a unique defense wherein it will puff and hiss, then bluff strike. If that doesn’t work, it plays dead theatrically until you leave.

Sssssinnamon roll snake 🐍