“You know, if someone had said to me a few years ago, ‘there’s going to be a time in your existence in New York City where you’re going to see a roach and you’re not going to run for the toilet paper, and you’re not going to run for a flyswatter, you’re not going to run to pummel it with the back of a dustpan or broom. You’re going to actually crush it with your bare hand.’ And I would say, ‘that’s absolutely ridiculous. I will never be driven to that.’” “I hit them. I give them a jab. I don’t rub my hand in it. Just smack on your palm or knuckles or something, and you don’t get in the goo so much.” And I always use the scream, because that’s meant to serve as a lesson to the others who are watching this on-the-spot execution.” “Wait, there’s one. It’s behind here.” “Well, there, they’re going into the bathroom. Apparently they have a quick call from nature. Hey, I — no, I didn’t either. I almost killed one. There’s one over there.” [POP] [BAM] [LAUGHS] “It’s like the talented child at home. They never perform for guests. No, there’s nothing in there.” [LAUGHS] “No. On top of the refrigerator and in here. Oh! Oh! God. There he went.” “Some sprays work faster than others. I like the one where it hits the roach. The roach keeps running, says, ‘you missed!’ And all of a sudden says, ‘wait a minute, wait a minute,’ and starts checking out its system. Its getting individual nerve center feedbacks. And it’s going, wait a minute. And then it starts running, which way is out? And so you get into a whole thing about the survival of the fittest. Which is not the strongest, fastest roach, but the cat that says, wait a minute. I’m in a very tight situation. Let me play dead, and maybe he’ll go away. But as soon as he plays dead, I go ah!” [LAUGHS] “I think they’re getting me. I’ve about had it.” [COUGHING] “Wait a minute! There’s one! [LAUGHS] “It’s war. It’s waged, you know? It’s them or me. I don’t name them. I don’t get cute about them.” “I’m going to just drown this one. See it struggling for life in there? They say they’re excellent swimmers, but that’s roach propaganda. You can’t believe it. They die just like you and me. And I’ll put a little spray — in there, just to make sure.” [COUGHING] “There’s one! He’s coming to help that one in the jar, but he died.” “I was in a brown sugar stage then. And I put brown sugar in my coffee, and I couldn’t figure out why some lumps didn’t dissolve. I was sitting in here with my friends and they were drinking their coffee. And I realized those were two roaches floating in my coffee, which just made me nauseated.” “It impinges on your territory. I mean, it obviously has no business being there. Because that’s your property, that’s your turf, that’s your territory. That’s your circle of immediate environmental interest. I mean, you don’t live with things in a cycle in New York City.” “Sneak in on them. I just blew him off, but he’s still alive.” “What if man is the roach of the universe? What if man is an abnormal growth? What if we are really a form of the whole structure, running rampant, and occupying too much energy, too much time, and too much space? I mean, in that sense, what if man happens to be to the universe what roaches are to man? And how can we tell? Right, like pumpf!” “We’re outnumbered. We’re going to fall before them. They’ve been here before the dinosaur, before the saber toothed tiger, before we were created. And ladies and gentlemen, they’re going to be here after we’re gone.” [SINGING] “Leave me alone. Why don’t you leave me alone? I treat them bad, they don’t get mad, they think it’s their home. Whenever I’m late, they always wait. Maybe they are masochistic. But I’m never pacifistic. I come in a room and I reach for the broom. I spray the spray, but they’re OK. They think it’s perfume. If you see me cry, you’ll know just why I’m singing the roaches’ lullaby. Yeah.”