She constantly reminds me she fended for me

I lost my job during Covid-19 and for the entire duration, I was home. Luckily, my wife retained hers so she was the breadwinner for two years. Once in a while, I would get consultancy gigs and would use the proceeds to pay some bills. What bothers me is that to date, she constantly tells me she ‘looked after me when I had nothing’. After ignoring her constant belittling remarks, she has resorted to telling all her friends and relatives. I recently bumped into a mutual friend who told me they are tired of hearing her whine about how I lived off her and should repay her. Does my wife understand what a marriage is? Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

This sounds stressful, especially when it comes from someone you trust and love. Understanding the cause of the repeated remarks is crucial. While she might be proud of having been able to support you during difficult times, constant reminders can be frustrating.

It is also possible that your wife is struggling with unresolved issues and feelings of inadequacy or even resentment, which she is projecting towards you. Sometimes, a couple or one of the partners will decide to communicate what is on the surface and leave out the deeper hurtful emotions. 
When this happens, people instead resort to putting downers in their communication which is unhealthy in a marriage relationship.

Another need could be for validation. Could your wife be seeking constant reassurance of her worth of the sacrifices she made during the difficult times? There are a few suggestions below for how you can handle the situation. The key is choosing what you are comfortable working with.

Communicate how you feel about her behaviour and let her know how this makes you feel. Deciding to be vulnerable with your partner is a way of opening up about things that are deeply hurtful and disturbing. Sometimes, going deeper enables a married couple to resolve some of the hurtful words that have been said in the past. Be clear and set boundaries by letting her know that the constant reminders are hurting you and you would appreciate it if she stopped.

Take her perspective and also acknowledge the challenges she faced during the difficult times. Empathy can go a long way in changing a negative attitude in the relationship.
Seek professional help if you realise you are stuck and are not moving on. Relationship counselling can create an avenue for you to learn new ways of communication that will be healthy for the relationship.

Remember a healthy marriage is based on mutual respect and understanding. Even when it is important to acknowledge the sacrifices made, using them as a constant reminder can be a dangerous weapon against the relationship.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation

Reader advice

You have attitude issues
Joanita Musoke. Firstly, consider paying her back. It is your duty as a husband to provide for her, not the other way around. Secondly, be thankful and stop whining. She looked after you, you survived joblessness. Count your blessings and be thankful for your supportive wife. Thirdly, reminding you about her generosity is not belittling. You have not told us why she is telling the whole world that she fended for you; is it that you mistreat her? Or you do not provide now that you are in a better place? Are you the stingy type? Yours seems to be an attitude problem. Maybe you should have considered saying no to her bailouts. Maybe you should consider not discussing your wife with the world. Do you understand what marriage is yourself?

Talk to your wife
Kacs Specy. So, people are supporting the woman? Regardless of what the man is doing now, there is no need to be reminding him of the past. He has also fed the family all other years. Men too are human and saying it is only he who should provide should stop. What happens when situations change like it did in this instance? Marriage is all about working out things together and lifting each other. Sit down with your wife and talk about it otherwise, your marriage is likely to face problems if this continues.

If you can, pay her
Generous Nakie. If you can, please pay her for your peace. Women are very generous when it comes to helping out but if the promise was to pay her back, then you have to fulfil this promise. Why don’t you sit down and discuss a way out? You can agree to pay back little by little until the whole amount is paid.

You are meant to help
Danny Kats Deejajja. At some point, you even fail to comment on some issues. You two are married but are behaving as though you are strangers. You helped your husband and I am sure when he got out of the hole, he has also provided more than enough. There is no need in letting this get in the way of your happiness.

She will not stop
Kassimu Mpungu. She is not going to stop reminding you; if you can pay her, please do so. Women are not made to take care of men, so if they do, they often feel that you owe them your life.

Talk to a counsellor
Jane Mukisa. I fail to understand where a marriage becomes such a war zone. Why not sit down with your wife and together come to a compromise? You are each busy talking about your issues with other people rather than telling each other what is hurting you. If you cannot find common ground, then seek the services of a counsellor. Sometimes, all this bickering is not worth it.

Something is amiss
David Mukisa. This is such a trivial issues that makes me think there is more to this story than we are being told. Your problems stem from somewhere else and this is where the solution is.