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Reviews
Shadows of Bigfoot (2024)
Wow..
I knew that this was an indie/micro-budget production, so expectations were set very low.
I didn't set them low enough.
The character, Jeb McCoy was so over-the-top, so poorly acted that no expectations could be set lowly enough. Who is Jeb McCoy?
Jeb is a local citizen and husband who was accused of murdering his wife. He was put on trial for her murder, but was acquitted. Jeb claimed that Bigfoot actually killed his wife, and he disappeared into the woods to find and kill the beast.
Grace, Drew, and Jake are an independent film crew who set out to find Jeb and interview him. Of course, they are entirely unarmed, except for Drew's gunting knife. Our heroes succeed in finding Jeb, and he convinces/coerces them into helping him in his quest to slay the beast.
Long story short, they find Bigfoot, who promptly kills Jeb. Grace, Drew, and Jake flee back to their canpsite and hide in their tent. Bigfoot follows them and attacks. The beast rips into the tent and abducts Grace. Drew and Jake set out to rescue her, but find Grace dead. Jake is then killed by Bigfoot.
This leaves Drew to give the obligatory, snivelling, snot-bubble last statement into the camera, detailing how Jeb, Grace, and Jake were all killed. He then vows to kill the beast, and ventures off into the woods with his knife to exact revenge.
The movie closes with a park ranger posting "MISSING" flyers of Grace and Drew. The park ranger then ventures into the woods, and finds a mangled but still alive Drew, and the movie abruptly ends there.
I gave the movie 2 stars instead of one only because I've seen worse killer Bigfoot movies; "White Fangs", I'm talking about you. If not for that, I would have given this movie 1 star.
The Girl Who Cried Her Eyes Out (2024)
Well...
"The Girl Who Cried Her Eyes Out" could be applied to any female member of the cast and crew wgo had anything to do with this grade school level gaebage. The male characters are all wildly immature frat boy stoners. The female characters are all enlightened earth nothers who are somehow attracted to these kinds of men, despite their utter stupidity and immaturity. There isn't one likeable character in the lot.
Our idiot stoners, and the women who love them, venture into the wilderness to get drunk, smoke dope, and party hearty. Of course, one of the women is a self-proclaimed witch with eldritch abilities. Once our merry band settles in to party, the witch tells the rest of the group the tragic story of Caroline Woodman, a young woman who was cursed to be a demon-child, and who was murdered by the local townsfolk. Caroline's spirit is said to haunt the woods where our merry band is partying.
Upon hearing this, the guys decide to get as drunk and as high as possible, and the group plays a game of Truth or Dare. This, of course, leads them to run afoul of the vengeful ghost of Caroline Woodman. The good news is that the bodies start to pile up as Caroline picks them off one by one, and it really doesn't matter because you won't be rooting for any of them to survive anyway.
Yes, it really is THAT bad...
#MissingCouple (2024)
#MissingAnythingofInterest
If you're looking for a sure-fire cure for insomnia, you've come to the right movie.
Two social media influencers, Austin and Janna, give up full-time van life and by a farmhouse and land out in the sticks. Odd events happen (supposedy) and Arlo and Janna go missing. I should mention here that Austen and Janna have a golden retriever, Arlo. As I have two goldens myself, Arlo is the only reason why I watched this movie through.
Janna decides that she and Austin are going to transition from a regular video diary of their van life to farm life. We are treated to a mind-numbing montage of their daily activities, interspersed with those of "Mr. Beardo". Mr. Beardo is an emotionally fragile influencer who decides to determine what might have become of Austin, Janna, and Arlo. So, along with the sleep-inducing antics of Austin and Janna, we get to see the angsty lamentations of the wretchedly lonely Mr. Beardo mixed in.
Video-count: 57 minutes in, and all that we've seen thus far are a couple of shadowy figures, the old spine and skull of a deer, and some bullets buried in the plot that Austin and Janna were going to plant a garden in. Nothing eerie, nothing spooky, nothing unsettling, frightening, or suspenseful. I've heard of slow burn horror movies, but this one is beyond ridiculous.
At about an hour in, Austin and Janna return from a walk with Arlo, and they find a package waiting for them. Janna opens it and finds one of their toothbrushes inside. Oh, the horror! My heart could barely withstand the unrelenting suspense! Janna freaks out, and Austin does what every hapless but well-meaning girly-man does in these movies; he promises to protect her, and that nothing will happen to her.
The movie then cuts to Janna talking to someone about how Austin is starting to behave differently, and it worries her. Mr. Beardo reviews this footage and decides that Austin did something to Janna. That night, as Mr. Beardo is asleep, a dark figure creeps into his bedroom and stands by his bedside.
The movie cuts to cutesy-pootsy footage of Austin and Janna, and then back to Mr. Beardo. He wakes up the next morning to find that all of his gear has disappeared. All that he has to finish his investigation is Janna's cell phone. Mr. Beardo returns to the farmhouse and spots Arlo, who runs off and leads Mr. Beardo to the lake. Arlo disappears, and the movie cuts back to Austin and Janna blathering on about the new chapter in their lives.
We are 72 minutes into the movie at this point.
Mr. Beardo returns to the farmhouse and finds a package exactly like the one that Janna and Austin found. Inside is a SIM card. Mr. Beardo reviews the contents, and finds footage with Austin and Janna revealing that they are giving up farm life. They also reveal that they gave up van life was because they had a very persistent on-line stalker.
They then detail a series of personal interactions, culminating with a physical fight between Austin and the stalker.
Now, shall we talk about stupid?
Austin and Janna decided to give up being moving targets, harder to physically find and affect, to be instead stationary targets, out in the middle of nowhere.
Janna, knowing that their stalker knows where they are, goes for walks by herself.
Austin has had footage of the shadowy figure, proof that they're being stalked, but doesn't share this with Janna right until the moment that they're ready to leave the farm.
They try to leave, but their van won't start. They get freaked out by a murder (flock) of crows flying overhead and run back into the house. Janna decides that "the land is bad and doesn't want them there". Then, the mysterious figure shows up in front of the farm house. Austin yells at him to leave, but instead the figure approaches the house.
Austin and Janna watch live footage from security cameras that Austin had set up outside, and they discover not one, but two shadowy figures. While hiding in the house, they notice that Arlo has gone missing. They go outside in the dark to find Arlo, and find one of the shadowy figures. Hand-in-hand, they run off into the woods.
Cut back to Mr. Beardo, who confesses that he had come to believe that Janna was talking to him through her videos. He then goes out, Go-Pro in hand, to an old well on the property, where he finds one of Janna's fingernails. Wait. Where'd he get the Go-Pro? All of his gear had been stolen the night before. Mr. Beardo professes his udying devotion to Janna into the camera, and then he sees another light. He goes off to find out what's up with this light.
He finds a shadowy figure standing before a bonfire, and the figure moves away. Moving in to investigate, Mr. Beardo finds a photo of Austin and Janna in the fire. The mysterious figure returns, and Mr. Beardo runs away. He ends up tripping and falling into the well. He doesn't emerge again. The two mysterious figure walk up to the well, and look down into it. The movie ends there. Arlo's final fate is unresolved, and you never really see what happened to Austin and Janna, either.
This movie is a complete and utter waste of time. It tries to tricky, to keep the viewer guessing. They should have focused on keeping the viewer awake and interested.
Creeping Death (2023)
The Old Elementary School Try...
I went into this understanding that it was a micro-budget effort, with a cast that virtually no one has ever seen before. I expected the acting to be amateurish, at best, and it was. The tougher part for me to swallow was the dialogue and the sappy interactions between some of the characters. The movie came across as a student film... if those students were 5th Graders.
The plot was generic; a bunch of high-schoolers/young adults head out for some Halloween hijinks and end up caught in a web of supernatural misadventure. Nothing new to see here folks. I've seen episodes of "Scooby Doo!" that were more suspenseful and frightening. Director/actor Matt Sampere makes R. L. Stine seem like David Cronenberg by comparison.
If you are bored out of your mind, and willing to practically eliminate any standards that you may have when it comes to even Grade Z horror movies, you may be able to sit through this one. I think that the intention to produce a decent horror movie might have been sincere, but virtually everything else is rather pitiable.
The Borneo Incident (2013)
Terrible, the Unauthorized Sequel...
Based on another review of this movie posted on IMdB, I watched this movie, fast-forwarding and scene-sampling the film to the 48 minute mark. As the other reviewer mentioned, the first 48 minutes were pretty much a travelog for a trip to Borneo. The other reviewer turned the movie off after the aforementioned mark.
Smart move on his part, as the remainder of the movie was something less than spectacular.
A group of 20-somethings travel to Borneo on some half-baked "journey of discovery". They end up being stranded deep in the wild after their erstwhile guides fail to show up and retrieve them at the agreed upon rendezvous time and place. During the first night of their abandonment, one of the group is dragged away by some unseen beastie while the others cower in a tent. The physical signs and evidence, as examined by the group, suggests that their missing group member was seized and dragged off by a crocodile.
The group reacts to this in the same way that all groups in these movies do; they argue heatedly, bickering and blaming one another for their predicament. They hold a meeting to determine what to do, and decide that they have to rescue themselves and move on, even though they are poorly equipped so to do. Along the way, they discover signs that they are being followed, and possibly stalked. On the second night of their abandonment, another member of group is taken, but this time, clues to the true culprit are given. Offscreen, two sounds akin to blowdarts being fired are given, and then the second victim falls into frame with a pair of needle-like darts protruding from.his neck.
The next night, a human figure is caught in the viewfinder of the group's infrared camera. The group decides that a local tribe is responsible for the attacks upon them. One by one, each group member is picked off, and the movie ends with one of them waking up in a village while children are playing around him.
Ultimately, this movie ends up being a very, very poor imitation of "Green Inferno". It isn't evenly remotely scary or suspenseful, and in the end, wasn't worth watching through to the end.
Sous la Seine (2024)
Sad, sad state...
Here enclosed is my review of "Under Paris". I have, of course, seen the "JAWS" movie and the subsequent sequels. I've seen "Deep Blue Sea", "Open Water", "Great White", "The Shallows", and literally dozens of other shark-themed thrillers. "JAWS 5: The Revenge" had been a contender for the stupidest, most inane of the lot... until I saw "Under Paris". Let me say that it is now official; "Under Paris is THE lamest shark flick that I have ever seen. This movie is just flat-out stupid on every level.
Each and every character is a friggin' idiot that lacks any measure of common sense whatsoever... and I mean each and every character. I may not like it, but I understand that horror movies have to have characters that make idiotic decisions in order to build up the body count. "Under Paris" sets the new bar for rampant character stupidity. This movie is so utterly awful that I had to consciously keep my hands empty as I watched so that I couldn't hurl anything at the television. This is the kind of movie that will make you want to track down each and every person responsible for making it, and just inflict great personal calamity on them. I'm going to have to watch "JAWS" for the umpteenth time to shed the effects of watching the utter turd that is "Under Paris".
The Mitchin Murders (2024)
Where's the Mystery Machine?
"The Mitchin Murders" movie features all of the taut palpability of any random episode of the original "Scooby-Doo" cartoon series. This is a no-budget to micro-budget production without a single recognizable star or actor. Along with this, it also lacks any scares, any suspence, or any tension whatsoever. When something eventually happens that is supposed to evoke a sense of dread or fright, it's about as bland as a slice of plain, stale white bread.
In a scene meant to scare, a woman wanders into supposedly haunted woods. She stands there and shouts out loud that she is not afraid. In unintentionally funny short order, she is knocked out, tied up, and then murdered by an unseen assailant. You, as the viewer, see none of this. You hear a few muffled noises, and then the killer flashes a knife. The blade disappears from view for a few seconds, and reappears with blood on it. That's it. It's like Hanna-Barbera produced the sequence. It's by far the tamest, least violent, least graphic slaying that I've ever seen in ANY horror movie.
We're also treated to all of the usual horror movie tropes and cliches. Intrepid characters bent on truth and justice travel to a small town. They interview the locals, are warned off of their quest by a few of them, and are treated with disdain by the local police, who consider them to be hare-brained nuisances. There's also the requisite "crazy old codger" who lives by himself in the woods. All we need is someone shaking their fist and claiming that they'd have gotten away with it if not for those danged nosy, interfering kids.
This isn't a horror movie on any appreciable scale. It isn't frightening. It isn't compelling, and unless you're seeking relief from insomnia, it isn't even remotely interesting.
Himalaya (2024)
One Question...
I have one question that should aptly reflect the care, consideration, and continuity exhibited in the production of this film.
How could it be just as snowy and windy deep inside of a narrow mountain tunnel system and cave as it waa outside of the cave, on the face of the mountain?
As the intrepid on-the-scene explorer, Dr. Sato... "The Snow Leopard"... crawls deeper into the bowels and interior of this subterranean system, the wind is blowing just as hard and as steadily as it was outside of the tunnel, and there are snowflakes being blown about on those mysterious winds. Now, I might understand this at points of ingress or egress, but at hundreds of meters into the mountainside?
Hmmm, I don't think so.
If you are able to overlook.this, however, you'll probably be able to overlook the terrible acting, the weak story, and the tepid, tedious pace. This movie is about as compelling and spellbinding as a weak popcorn fart, and is almost as satisfying.
Frogman (2023)
Fraudman
Our intrepid protagonists Dallas, Amy, and Scottie, go off in search for evidence of a regional cryptid, the Frogman. Dallas saw the Frogman as a youth, during a family vacation, and even captured an image of the creature. However, no one took Dallas's discovery seriously, and this drives him compulsively and irresistably to prove that the Frogman is real. To achieve this end, he enlists the assistance of the aforementioned Amy, and Scottie. Dallas and Amy were romantically involved once, but both decided that they were better off as friends, and gradually gew apart. Amy is on her way to bigger and better things in terms of possible television and movie projects, but Dallas convinces her to join him one last time in this quest. Now, let the heavy-handed foreshadowing begin.
We, as viewers, are treated to the usual horror movie cliches. Dallas and the others roll into town looking for the Frogman, and they are at first greeting amiably. Eventually, however, the locals become less friendly and warn our intrepid trio to leave town or else. Of course, they don't listen. Driven by his compulsion, Dallas becomes an increasingly obstinate and selfish a-hole, and Amy and Scott foolishly follow his erratic, irrational lead. After the town sheriff gives the trio one last warning to pack up and go home, Dallas pretends to capitulate, but instead he goes to see George Hale, a local hermit who believes in the Frogman as fervently as Dallas himself does. Of course, Amy and Scottie are helpless to do anything other than to go along.
After a terse, tense visit, George gives Dallas a map which gives the Frogman's "territory". The trio leaves and follows the map. They end up capturing video proof of the Frogman, but not until after Scottie is attacked by the beast. Scottie survives the encounter, and all three members of the trio make it back to Dallas's Ford Explorer, and they speed away. Dallas is exultant that he finally has video evidence with which to prove that the Frogman is real.
Our heroes make it back to their hotel. Amy pleads with Dallas to leave, and Scottie excuses himself to use the rest room. Scottie grows sick and vomits, and then notices changes to his face and hand. He mentally shakes this off and returns to Dallas and Amy. They try to check out, but no one is working to hotel's front desk. Amy wants to leave anyway, but Dallas hears chanting coming from behind closed doors and feels compelled to investigate. He and Scottie go off to find the source of the chanting, leaving Amy behind.
Dallas and Scottie find most of the locals gathered, all wearing robes and cowls. They are chanting to draw out the Frogman, and they have selected a local girl to sacrifice to the Frogman's desires. Much like the creatures in "Humanoids From the Deep", ol' Froggy likes getting jiggy with comely human females. Froggy emerges to accept this sacrifice, and George Hale reveals himself. He draws a shotgun from beneath his robe and opens fire. He is there seeking his granddaughter, whom he believes was given to the Frogman.
Amy is reunited with Dallas and Scottie, and they seek to flee. Along the way, they find Hale's granddaughter, who is heavily pregnant with ol' Froggy's tadpole/human hybrid offspring. They find the pregnant girl just as she begins to give birth. While she's spewing cryptid spawn, Scottie mutates further, and runs off. Amy is captured by the Frogman, but Dallas rescues her and they get away.
Dallas is later shown to have produced a documentary about the Frogman, which is hailed as a critical and cinematic success. This documentary is dedicated to Scottie, who was never seen again.
At the very end of the movie, Dallas is introduced to the audience at the showing of his documentary, and he produces a flute-like instrument that visits a siren-call effect on the Frogman, and the movie ends there.
I watched this film based on the positive review of an established horror movie critic.
I now wish that I hadn't, and I'll leave it at that.
Campton Manor (2024)
Dumb-ton Manor
Take a bit of "The Sixth Sense", add a dash of "The Shining", and then horribly mangle the elements of both, and you end up with "Campton Manor".
Jack wishes to finally sovlve the mystery of numerous deaths that happened at Campton Manor many years past. He seeks out Teddy to enlist his help in solving this unsolved, famous case. Teddy is a horror novelist who is capable of seeing and interacting with the dead, you see. At first, Teddy declines Jack's proposition, but then relents and decides to help Jack out after all.
Jack and Teddy venture forth to the long-abandoned Campton Manor, and before long, Teddy is met by the shade of Lance Campton. Teddy and Lance engage in a bit of cryptic banter, and then Teddy goes off to find Jack, who is exploring elsewhere in the manor. Teddy tells Jack about having been met by Lance, and brings Jack to the sitting room/parlor where he encountered Lance. Well, Teddy's powers of supernatural perception must be exceptional, exceptional to the point of conferring his abilities to others, as Jack is suddenly about to see and interact with Lance, as well.
Lance encourages Teddy and Jack to continue in their investigation, and asks that if they happen upon his mistress, that they tell her to go and see Lance. Now, toss in elements of "The Exorcist" and "Ghost Story", and REALLY muddle things up! Eventually, Jack becomes able to see and converse with the spirits of the dead all on his own, independent of Teddy's proximity to him.
This movie is a muddled mess that fails to pay homage to any of the other films mentioned in this review. Is Jack a ghost? Was he all along? Does Teddy become a ghost? There is just too much about this mangled mess that makes no sense, at all. I ended up being sorry that I rented and watched it. My guess is that you might end up the same way.
Encounters (2012)
Enclownters
Okay, here's what you do; assemble a cast of actors who couldn't "act" their way out of a wet paper bag, give them the artistic direction to act belligerently towards one another at every opportunity, and then have them run around screaming hysterically at the top of their lungs every two seconds. Do all of that and... voila! You have "Encounters" (2012).
Before the movie was a third of the way through, I wanted all of the characters dead, most particularly the main character's wife. If she's not screaming at someone and berating them, she's running around shrieking nonstop like a rabid banshee. The characters Steve and Darko are somewhat tolerable, but the other characters were about as charming and as likeable as a bout of simultaneous explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting. I gave this farce one star because the rating doesn't allow for zero stars, or negative numbers.
Abigail (2024)
Finally...
... a horror movie that didn't disappoint me.
I'm going to date myself with the following. I've been a horror movie fan... particularly those with or about vampires... ever since I first saw the 1972 ABC Movie of the Week, "The Night Stalker", starring Darren McGavin, Barry Atwater, Simon Oakland, and Carol Linley. I loved that movie, still do even after 52 years. "The Night Stalker" was the inspiration for another of my favorite vampire-based horror movies, "Fright Night".
In my opinion, "Abigail" is every bit as good as "Fright Night" was, or is. The cast was excellent, and there was plenty of humor to blend with the horror, blood, and guts.
The story about a group of ne'er-do-wells contracted to kidnap a young girl only to find themselves in way over their heads isn't anything new. I've seen at least three other films with the same basic premise, and only one of those was even half-way decent. Thus, I almost passed on "Abigail"; it wasn't anything that I hadn't seen before. I relented and watched the movie one evening because I was bored out of my gourd and I was in the movie for a horror movie. I was very pleasantly surprised, and I was glad that I changed my mind. I don't generally recommend too many horror movies, as I've seen far too many that stink on ice.
"Abigail" isn't perfect, but it is well worth the watch.
Deadbolt (2024)
Is she or isn't she?
This movie is pretty much like every other Hallmark Channel or Lifetime "thriller" EVER.
Troubled heroine? Check.
Possible psychological condition exacerbated by sporadic, reluctant use of proscribed medications with hallucinogenic side effects? Check.
Is her new home haunted, or is she suffering psychologically? Check.
Pesky, overbearing former boyfriend who refuses to let our heroine be? Check.
Nosy, intrusive, impossibly irritating mother who "only really means well"? Check.
New love interest for our heroine who seems too good to be true? Check.
Chinks start to form in the new love interest's facade? Check.
There is literally nothing new to see here... not one single thing. The lead actress gives a good performance, and that's the only reason why I gave this stale piece of cinematic white bread a "3". This is a generic, if-you've-seen-one-you've-seen-'em-all "thriller" that is predictably and typically predictable. The only "good" person in the movie is our heroine, who ends up having to save herself. Jeepers; who'd have ever seen that coming?
The Last Five Days: The Freak Building (2024)
Please, let this be the last "Last Five Days"...
Our hero, Jacob, is the "head of security" for an abandoned, decrepit facility. He's the "head of security:; he is the ONLY security personnel on his shift. Wow. What an achievement. This facility was once the headquarters for an organization called Verbin Industries, or some such. Verbin Industries, in it's heyday, promised to develop a "superfood" that would solve the problem.of world hunger, but the company was plagued by a series of mysterious employee disappearances, and eventually closed down. These disappearances, according to Jacob were never solved, nor were they ever seriously investigated by the company, nor the civilian authorities. The company that employs Jacob eventually bought the abandoned building that Jacob patrols as the "head of security".
During his rounds, Jacob blathers on and on to the camera that he uses to record his story about how much he loves and misses his two sons. He also drones on about his research into Verbin Industries, and he plays basketball by himself in a dilapated gymnasum that has no basketball hoops. One day, during his rounds, Jacob finds a little wooden box that has these mysterious jelly-like capsules in it. These capsules resemble a cross between a cherry tomato and a shelled hard-boiled egg. Jacob has no idea what these things are, but he eats one anyway. Shortly thereafter, he becomes nauseous, and then he projectile vomits all over the place. He then begins to hallucinate and behave erratically.
After a while, Jacob recovers from this strange malady, and then he does what anyone else who'd just experienced what he had would do; he wolfs down another one of these objects from the box, which he comes to call "fruit". His second experience is worst than the first. He vomits all over the place, hallucinates even more vividly, and begins running head first into concrete walls. After recovering a second time, Jacob eats a third piece of "fruit"... and then a fourth... and then a fifth. He claims that he "really likes this fruit", even though the deleterious affects that the "fruit" has on him is cumulatively worse with each experience. He eventually starts babbling about having made a pact with Satan, and a short while after that, the movie ends.
If you want a movie that is a classic exercise in sheer inanity and stupidity, then this is the film for you. It's the third in an atrocious series of "The Last Five Days..." movies by Chuck Moffatt. I sincerely hope that it is the last, as each of these films is dumber and even more poorly conceived than the one before it.
Harmony Falls (2022)
Harmony Fails
Jean-Chantal Gevaudon? Really? This is a werewolf movie with a character named after a region in France where a series of supposed werewolf attacks occurred a few hundred years ago. Hmmmm. I wonder if that's supposed to be a bit of foreshadowing.
For a movie shot on a shoestring budget... this one is really, really bad. The special and creature effects are three stages below bargain basement level. The acting is even worse. There is a bar fight where our intrepid hero, the local sheriff, is supposed to come across like Chuck Norris in "Walker: Texas Ranger". It plays out more like a Three Stooges slap fight. There are plot holes big enough to sail a naval destroyer through. The dialogue and continuity are amateurish, at best.
This movie was available for rent on Amazon Prime for $1.99. That was $1.98 too much. If you are even remotely tempted to give this utter flop a try... don't. Just don't. It really is that bad.
Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire (2024)
Ghostbusters: Cure for Insomnia.
To be succinct, I hated this movie. The characters were cardboard caricatures. The storyline seemed like it was made up from the premise, "Okay, what haven't we tried yet?". It wasn't funny. It wasn't scary. It was so boring that I fell asleep. Twice. The Inclusion and return of original "Ghostbuster" cast members Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Ernie Hudson, and Annie Potts felt forced and obligatory. The "family strife" sub-story was about as compelling as any 1970s ABC "After School Special". The use of the miniature Staypuft Marshmallow Men felt like a direct rip-off of the Minions from "Despicable Me".
This movie was to the "Ghostbusters" franchise what "Jaws 3: 3D" and "Jaws, the Revenge" were to the "Jaws" franchise. Enough already. The cow has been milked to death.
Lake Effect (2023)
Lame Effect
Now, instead of wasting your time watching this utter piece of trash, do this:
1.) Start to play the film;
2.) Fast forward to about the 14 minute mark;
3.) Watch three lily white high dogs trying to look and sound like gangster rappers.
If, after watching that galactically moronic, abysmal display, you still want to watch the rest of this movie, seek psychiatric help immediately. I've endured simultaneous bouts of explosive diahrrea and uncontrollable projectile emesis that were more satisfying and enjoyable than watching this utter and complete turdfest. There is nothing good about this movie; absolutely nothing. The best that can be said for it is that it has a relatively short running time of about 75 minutes.
Gods of the Deep (2023)
Clods of the Deep
Okay. Take one part "Underwater", add one part "Prometheus", toss in a dash of H. P. Lovecraft, and then subtract all of the positive qualities of all three elements, and you'll end up with the abysmal mess that is "Gods of the Deep".
Now, to buy into this sordid, idiotic, wretched mess, you have to believe that a dedicated group of highly trained, highly educated individuals think it prudent to light up cigarettes and fire submachine guns in a pressurized, climate controlled, atmospherically controlled submersible at a depth exceeding 15,000 meters. These idiots are supposedly so concerned about the sub imploding that they run around shooting holes in it, and attacking pressurized hatches with fire axes. Two of these idiots end up in a fight to the death; one has the submachinegun, the other has the ax. Now, instead of the guy with the submachinegun, which is loaded and functional, shooting the guy with the ax, he tries to parry a blow from the ax with the gun, and loses the gun.
These are just the meagrest examples of everything that is so abysmally stupid about this film. Do you really still want to watch it?
The Who Incident (2023)
The Why Incident
Take two aging hippies, some video equipment, a toy owl, and add terrible acting, and an even worse script and dialogue, and ypu get "The Who Incident". I would have prefered "The Why Incident", or "The How Incident"... as in how did this dips**t movie ever get made, or why did anyone think that this turdfest should have been made.
Ron and Jan are the aging hippies, and they are so syrupy/sappy sweet towards one another as to make you want to barf. No couple ever talks to each other in this saccharine drivel. These two make Ozzie and Harriet Nelson seem like members of the Manson Family. Well, Ron and Jan are planning on throwing themselves an "epic" anniversary party, and Ron wants to video-record EVERYTHING in the days leading up to this stellar bash. Ron has an older video camera, and Jan has special glasses with a camera built in.
Ron finds a box with some of his dad's things in it, including "Owly the Owl" has father's favorite childhood toy. The paranormal hijinks begin with Owly activating itself all on it's own after having been dormant for decades. Then, Ron starts getting messages from his deceased father. Next, Ron starts experiencing lapses or loss of time. He loses three hours that he has no memory of passing.
I would tell you more about this movie, but I can't. I turned it off about a third of the way through. The "actors" playing Ron and Jan give arguably the worst performances that I've ever seen. They may as well have stood facing one another and reading their lines off of cue cards that the other was holding up. Any positive reviews of this rancid bowel movement of a movie had to have come from members of the cast and crew, and/or their immediate family and friends. No one not connected to it could watch this abomination and give it more than one star.
Red (2022)
RED...
"RED" only tells part of the story here. To grasp the enormity and full scope of this utter turdfest, one must include the following... the added letters "T", "A", "R", "D", and "E". Insert those letters, in that order, between the letters in the title of this movie, and you will have described the true essence of what it is.
How do pieces of celluloid fecal matter like this movie continue to be made. The plot is idiotic. The script and dialogue are ridiculously bad. The acting is several levels below that of cheesy 1970s porn films. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, good that can be said for thia film other than that it eventually ends.
Senseless (2022)
You'll be rendered "Senseless"...
Our hero, "Jason", flees into the woods after an unshown disagreement with his girlfriend, "Diane". He takes nothing with him, except for his cell phone, which he throws away while on this mysterious arboreal sojourn. After discarding his chief physical resource, "Jason" wanders the woods aimlessly for a while. Then, as viewers of this utter turd of a film, we're treated to several seemingly endless moments of "Jason" simply standing there in the dark.
When "Jason" finally does something, it's what anyone else in his self-induced predicament would do; he sits down with his back agsinst a tree, torches a blunt, and falls asleep. He wakes up an undisclosed amount of time later to find himself sitting in the middle of a small dirt road in the forest. He gets up and starts wandering aimlessly again, and he eventually begins to see ghosts or spectral manifestations. Shortly after this, "Jason" somehow has possession of his cell phone again, and he receives another call from "Diane". She begins to verbally harangue and denigrate him, then she's suddenly there with him. "Diane" becomes even more vicious and aggressive in her tirade, reducing "Jason" to a shuddering, weeping wretch.
"Jason" then suddenly sees a maniacal version of himself brutally attack and butcher "Diane". This doppelganger gleefully slices and dices "Diane", all while sporting some bloody symbol smeared on his chest. The doppelganger disappears, and "Jason" crawls over to look at "Diane's" remains, when she opens her eyes and glares at him. This causes "Jason" to flee in panic. As he runs pell mell into the darkened woods, "Diane's" voice echoes in his mind, castigating him for being a child. Then, "Jason" calmly sits down and lights up another joint.
I can't tell you what happens after that because I didn't care what happened next. I've had simultaneous bouts of projectile vomiting and uncontrollable, explosive diarrhea that were more satisfying and enjoyable than watching this movie, so I turned it off. It is advertised as a horror movie, but isn't even remotely entertaining, frightening, or compelling. This movie sucked like a crack-addicted nymphomaniacal hooker at a Viagra convention.
The Plan (2017)
If "The Plan" was to...
If "The Plan" was to produce and distribute a film that was unintentionally, hilariously bad, then the people responsible for this movie have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. The performances, script, and dialogue were amateurish and comedic, at best. I kept waiting for Dan Ackroyd and Steve Martin to amble in and reprise their roles as the wild and crazy Festrunk Brothers from the 1970s Saturday Night Live skits. The "actor" playing the part of "John" in this movie was almost hysterically over-the-top, chewing the scenery with the aplomb of a woodchipper run amok.
I won't go into the plot, or any specific spoilers, because the chances are you aren't going to hang around and watch this movie through to the end i didn't.
The Howling (2017)
The Boweling
I have to give credit where credit is due; it really takes some doing to out-Polonia the Polonia Brothers when it comes to cinematic turds. The producers of "The Howling" (2017) have managed the feat. This is one of the absolutely stupidest movies that I've ever seen. The director and producers tried to pay homage to virtually every classic horror movie from the original "Halloween"(1978) to "Frankenstein", "The Bride of Frankenstein, "The Wolfman", and "The Island of Dr. Moreau". Instead, it insults every one of those horror classics".
"The Howling" is a shambling, disjointed mess that goes off in 18 different directions without managing to actually go anywhere. I've seen hundreds of micro and no budget crapfests, and this rancid turd ranks among the very worst of them. This is the type of movie that could inspire. It could inspire violent emesis, for example. It could inspire someone to track down any and everyone who had anything whatsoever to do with making this farce, and then beating the living s**t out of them.
IMdB seriously needs to seriously consider adding a negative star rating system for movies like this one.
The Great Dismal (2023)
Appropriate Title
Never has a movie been more appropriately titled; everything about this flop is dreadfully dismal.
Dismal acting? Check.
Dismal plot/story? Check.
Dismal pacing? Check.
Dismal action? Check.
Dismal special effects? Check.
Almost nothing happens for the first 40 to 45 minutes or so, and when something does finally happen, the "action" lasts all of about 5 seconds.
The basic premise is that a college student, Jeff, accompanies a naturalist/woodsman, Ted, who is investigating reports of a mysterious Bigfoot-like creature. The naturalist/woodsman is skeptical, and doesn't believe that there is any mysterious creature, but the plan is to hike into the woods and to set up a series of trail cams. On the first night in the woods, the college student hears noises outside of their tent, but the woodsman reassures that it's likely only a deer.
The next morning, Ted finds something on the trail cam. But doesn't tell Jeff. They continue to hike and set additional trail cams. Eventually, Jeff and Ted run into the creature, and Ted is attacked.
Jeff runs off in a panic, and runs into some hermit who looks like Charles Manson's long lost twin brother. The hermit has an old "A" frame camper in the woods, and he offers Jeff shelter. After a very short while, Jeff discovers that the hermit is mentally unstable. The hermit claims that he only wants to be left alone, but he won't tell Jeff how to leave.
Jeff discovers that the hermit is the monster. The hermit has a sort of Gillie suit that he uses as a costume to scare people away. Jeff discovers the costume, and he also finds that the hermit has Ted's handgun. The two argue and fight over the handgun, and Jeff shoots the hermit.
Somehow, despite not knowing wherr he is, or which direction to go in, Jeff makes his way home, and the local news runs the story about the hermit, and Ted's murder. Jeff's editor calls and asks how Jeff is doing. He also announces his intent to run the article and story that Jeff was working on.
Jeff heads back out into the woods with his uncle, who raised Jeff after his parents died. As they start hiking, they hear animal noises, and turn around to run away.
The end.
I've seen old "ABC After School Specials" that were more frightening and compelling than utter crapfest was, and anyone who has rated this as more than one star had something to do with the production of the movie.
In a post credits scene, the hermit is identified as "Ben Marshall", and a short vignette tells how "Ben" came to be a backwoods hermit. "Ben's" backstory is about as powerful and as potent as a popcorn fart in a tornado. Why the film makers decided to prolong the agony of subjecting the viewer to this back story is the real mystery here. It adds absolutely nothing of value to a terrible film.
Realm of Souls (2013)
Realm of 'Hos
WTF do boob shots and idiotic jokes about glory holes have to do with hauntings and paranormal activities? Who made this turd; a 10 year old kid who found his dad's secret stash of old Playboy and Hustler magazines?
Take a cast of random people, none of whom can act worth a lick, and turn them lose with video cameras on the road shooting an idiotic travel log, and give them a script and dialogue worthy of little kids who learned how much fun it is to say "dirty words" for the first time, and you end up with "Realm of Souls". This movie is an embarrassment to other bad movies, and anyone who has anything whatsoever with the production and distribution of it should be banned from the film industry altogether. Yes, this movie is THAT bad.