jayjaymadigan

Avengers: Infinity War (2018)

A boring mess

So lockdown broke me and I finally decided to watch the MCU movies, I enjoyed some of them (Civil War was very good) others not so much (looking at you, Dark World)

I finally watched Infinite War and dear god, there is far too much going on to feel invested in anything properly, plus the god damn stupid "comedy" moments just ruin the entire atmosphere, it's clear Disney is scared of making a serious comic book movie and is responsible for people writing off comic book movies as children's films.

A film about half of the universe being eradicated should feel grim and hopeless, Mass Effect 3 and Neon Genesis did this perfectly, this however, felt like a comedy film that was scared to be a comedy yet still went all in on corny unnecessary jokes.

Infinity War feels confused, like its having an identity crisis, is it a film about heroes trying to stop an alien being destroying half of all organic life? Or is it a feel good comedy romp? Why not both? Well why not indeed, so that's what Disney did and you end up with a movie that wants to be taken seriously and make you laugh at the exact same time and it just simply does not deliver on either of those things for me, how many times do characters need to go off the rails and start having petty school yard arguments or sarcastic comments? It's like trying to watch Saving Private Ryan and seeing someone stand on a rake at the Normandy beach landing, it feels out of place.

But the problem is not just the jokes, nothing fits in properly, it's a mess, Disney truly threw everything at the wall to see what would stick.

The worst thing is Marvel stans will continue to insist that these films are not kids films, they are, there's nothing wrong with that but they are marketed for kids, throwing in a few swear words and basic entry level philosophy doesn't change that, but these CGI blockbusters are being touted as some of the best films ever made when they're nothing more than a bit of fun made by a billion dollar company to flog merchandise to kids and man children.

This was a very dissapointing experience overall, I'm dreading watching the next one now.

Hurricane Bianca (2016)

Hurricane Bianca is a confusing waste of potential

I'm a big fan of Drag Race and Bianca Del Rio was a personal favourite of mine so naturally I was excited to watch a feature length movie featuring her in a lead role, sadly it didn't deliver to the potential it had as a comedy or a movie in general.

Without diving too much into the plot (or lack thereof) Hurricane Bianca jumps mindlessly from scene to scene without any real consistency and the movie generally seems to serve no real purpose until the last 10 minutes with a well meaning message thst most people will miss as they will more than likely stop watching before this point.

Another issue is the production values, no a film doesn't need Disney money to be considered a good film, on the contrary some of the best pictures you will ever see are ones you won't see advertised on the television but everything about this film screamed "on the cheap" and the over the top hammy acting didn't help at all,and the less aid about the soap opera style stock music they used for dramatic effect the better.

If you're looking for Lgbt films with an uplifting message and good comedy then I'd reccomend To Wong Foo, Love Simon of Beautiful Thing, but even the most hardcore Bianca / Drag Race fans will struggle to find any redeeming qualities in this film minus a few amusing one liners.

4/10 - hard pass.

After Life (2019)

Beautiful portrayal of the damaged psych

Only Gervais' can take you from nail biting awkwardness to belly laughter to tears all in the same scene, everything about this mini series is breathtaking, the believable and lovable characters, the music, cinematography, the delicate and touching story, yes the ending was a bit preachy but it still felt organic and not forced, ignore the low votes probably didn't like it because they think comedy can't be more than a few cheap laughs, best new show this year and a strong comeback from one of the finest living British comedians of our time, BRAVO!

Ready Player One (2018)

Boring and full of clichés

So where to start? Totally uninteresting story, no characters had any distinct personality, over reliance on cgicand my god the pop culture references were more annoying than amusing, like the big bang theory the writers have just thought of the most obvious, cookie cutter "nerd culture" and it became incredibly tedious after the third Batman reference in the space of 20 minutes, I was impressed by the scenes at the overlook Hotel from the shining but turned it off shortly afterwards, don't bother unless you're 12 years old.

Dancin' Thru the Dark (1990)

Painful

Like most British teleplays off the time you can telthe scripts were written for stage and they translate terribly to screen format given to us by the ever overrated Willy Russell, horrible acting, bad soundtrack, awful script with a paper thin plot and a cast of unlikeable characters this is a defenite miss unless you want to kill your own braincells.

American Horror Story (2011)

Hit and miss

The first 3 series are great but at this point there are more bad series than good ones, freak show felt pointless and the musical numbers incredible forced, hotel was okay but dragged on for far too long and became a confusing mess, roanoke was a disaster with the exception of the terrible underused Kathy Bates and Cult started off with promise but again ended up in its own backside, I've no hope for this new series.

Spectre (2015)

Boring and by the numbers

Spectre, the highly anticipated follow up to the great "Skyfall" all but disappointed in the end.

This is less of a bond film and more like an instruction video on how to make one.

We start off with our pre opening credits scene, filled with action, none of it interesting in the slightest, and some pretty terrible CGI just destroys all immersion.

Of course, our opening credits, with what is without a doubt, the blandest most forgettable bond song of them all, sitting through 3 minutes of Sam Smiths whiny vocals on this generic ballad was the second sign that this was going to be a chore to watch.

After that, to be honest I can't really remember what happened for the first 20 - 30 minutes, the story has no real context, just a series of random events dragged along by mundane action scenes and Daniel Craig trying so hard to be broody.

The issue with this film, for me mostly falls on Craig, he lacks the suaveness of Connery, the charm of Moore, the emotional depth of Dalton and the charisma of Brosnon, we're forever having it rammed down our throat "This Bond is emotionally damaged, he's vulnerable and hurts inside" yet we are never shown it, Craig simply doesn't pull it off, his Bond is just a walking tank designed to kill things and punch people, I enjoyed Craigs other bond films but he has the emotional depth of a cactus.

Putting Craig aside, the story just is not interesting at all, Christoph Waltz is one of my favourite actors of recent years, he was fantastic in Inglorious Basterds and Django Unchained, but even he can't save this film, he just seems so... bored and disinterested, Dave Bautista too, who was incredibly entertaining in Guardians of the Galaxy, like Craig is nothing more than a one man army who has no personality.

I really would not bother watching this film unless you are a completionist, I thought Die Another Die was the worst Bond film but at least it was fun to watch, I just stopped caring about this bland mess less than half way through, the best thing they can do is have a new Bond, and drop this daft arc they have tried to carry through Craigs films, if you're looking for a gritty bond that is still interesting, stick with Living Daylights or License to Kill, if you're looking to be entertained, for the love of god just put something on that is not this film, despite all the hate it received, even QoS is superior to this snooze fest.

D

Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain (2015)

Great game, terrible story

After the massive anticipation of Hideo Kojimas final Metal Gear entry you could be excused for being too excited to justify, but after finishing this game you'll wonder why you bothered, the gameplay itself is excellent but the story is terrible, for any other series this would be excusable but for a series that prides itself on narrative it simply is not good enough, if my review was based soley on gameplay it would be an easy 10/10, but if this was a movie and I was rating the story and pacing, 3/10 at best hence my score of 7 which I feel is justified here, the 10/10 reviews were clearly not from anyone who played the entire game, it is an unfinished mess with nice gameplay to compensate, RIP Metal Gear Solid, we all wish it could have ended better than this.

Alien: Isolation (2014)

Terrifying, immersive, beautiful

What can be said about Isolation that hasn't already been said by the big video game reviewers? This game is terrifying! And an incredibly faithful entry to the Alien Canon, I won't concentrate too much on story but obviously you are Amanda Ripley, daughter of Ellen, you find yourself on Sevastapol station in search for the Nostromo flight recorder to find out what happened to your mother who has been AWOL for 15 years, that's all I'm giving away.

What makes Isolation so special isn't its story, it's the un- predictable, radiant gameplay, one of my favourite moments so far was being spotted b a working Joe in an area I wasn't supposed to be in, they all start chasing me, I think I'm safe hiding in a corner until I turn around and find 7 of them staring at me, one grabs me by the neck and throws me into the wall and proceeds to beat the crap out of me, I whack him with my wrench ad run away into a locker, they give up looking for me, why this was so special is it only happened to me, did it happen to anyone else? Maybe, but certainly not in the exact same way, but it felt scripted, like it was supposed to happen, but it was pure chance and everyone who lays will have their own horrific story to tell that others would not have experienced.

This becomes more frightening when the Xenomorph makes his grand entrance.

The Alien in this game (There is only one) is un-scripted 95% of the time, it hunts you down like a real beast and is truly a complicated AI, and a true and horrific work of art, whenever you see it your skin will burn you will panic and find the nearest hiding place, don't bother fighting it, it will only become more aggressive, don't bother running away, it can run faster, hide or accept death and rethink your strategy.

Forget everything about last years Colonial Marines, if you're a fan of RIdley Scotts 1979 Alien, or survival horror in general, this game is essential, you will scream, panic and sweat but every survival will be something you laugh at and cherish in the end and this is easily the best £35 I have spent in a long long time, buy this game now!

How I Met Your Mother (2005)

A confusing, immature and desperate mess. 3 - 10 (Bad)

I have seen a handful of episodes of this show, I have been told by many friends it's "hysterical" and "really funny" I watched it and my first presumption was this was a kids comedy show, I completely dumbfounded that people can watch this "comedy" I will give you a basic summary of why I think this.

• Incredibly non-sensical jokes that don't exist in the lines of satire, wit or slapstick, they're just self contained and have no substance - Most of the characters, story and settings are cookie cutter generic with nothing special to make them stand out - Over indulgent in musical montages that seem to go on far too long - Josh Radnors man child character is infuriatingly annoying - Overly sentimental "messages" and monologues that would make the sappiest of saps feel sick - Recycling the same story lines over and over again, this thing about meeting the mother gets teased all the time and most of the characters have broken up, got with other people and decided they "love" someone else, only to do the same thing again, i don't really think the writers grasp the concept on this "love" thing, it makes all the characters just come across as incredibly stupid and shallow and the fact every character has apparently decided to move away, every damn episode.

The Last Stand (2013)

"Death is waiting for you in the kitchen when you wake up to get a glass of milk"

I am a huge Arnie fan, a big portion of my childhood was spent watching his films, so after a ten year hiatus you can imagine hearing the worlds best action hero was returning to the silver screen headlining a new film, I was excited, and after finally getting around to seeing it I am not disappointed.

Firstly allow me to get this out of the way, if you're looking for a thought compelling, deep and complex film with a great story and original characters...turn back this is not that film, but it achieves exactly what it sets out to be, a balls to the walls exciting action film allow me to tell you why.

Arnold is Sommertons bad ass sheriff Ray Owens, living in a peaceful community after a stint in the LAPD, he spends his time now rescuing cats stuck up trees and helping old ladies cross the street (presumably) but when Gabriel Cortez a menacing drug lord escapes FBI custody ( in a very exciting and well shot scene may I say) and Ray finds out he is heading towards Sommerton him and some of his more ballsy residents take a stand, what ensues is 100 minutes of insanity, I don't want to give too much away about the story, albeit not a very deep story there are interesting moments it is best not to see coming.

Excellent action sequences that I wouldn't expect to be done better than an Asian director, great cast of actors who hold their own with their characters, who although not incredibly original don't fall into "stock" characters either, but too a good sense of humour, The Last Stand doesn't take its self too seriously, but not to the point where it is just a parody of its self, this is an adrenaline fueled fast action ride that will keep you on the edge of your seat, Oscar worthy? No, best action film of the 21st century? Probably, incredibly entertaining pop corn flick? undeniably, and coming from a person who loves deep, complex narrative tight films, sometimes you just need to kick back, relax and watch something FUN! The king of action is back baby, and I can't wait to see what comes next!

Silent Hill: Revelation (2012)

It is pretty bad

Let me start off, I love the first film and I love the first 4 silent hill games, revelation being an adaption of the third game, which is a direct sequel to the first game which the first movie is an adaption of, I'll start off with the bad points first then move on to what I enjoyed.

The bad: The story felt rushed, I wanted to see more of Claudia, I also felt some things were done too much as a fan service, some things didn't make sense, not as much depth as the first one, cheesy moments and 200 characters that were supposed to be important that vanish after 2 minutes of screen time (Douglas, Leonard, Claudia and Dahlia), too many flashbacks, about 20% of the film must of consisted of footage from the first one, and and it suffered from "obviously made for 3-D" syndrome, I can't watch 3D films they give me head aches.

The good: The girl playing Heather is amazing, she looks like her but is a more likable portrayal compared to the character we see in the video game, they used the original soundtrack again which I enjoy and the remixes were also good, the storyline despite being rushed was a nice conclusion to Alessas story, finally find out what happened after the mysterious ending of the first film, Pyramid head, the mannequin room scene was incredibly tense, I like how they kept Leonard Wolffs appearance from the video game when he transforms, many moments from the game were handled nicely when converted to the silver screen.

Overall: A good film, but a let down to the first one and to the video games, too much stuff was left out and it generally felt rushed and the characters needed more screen time! not bad, could of been better I hope if they make a silent hill 3, it follows the story of the second game and they keep it at the level or even surpass the first film, only watch if you're a die hard silent hill fan, or enjoyed the first film and want a conclusion to the story.

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (2011)

The best game of the 21st century?

This game, really is one of the best games you'll ever play, a massive open end world, hundreds of quests, complete character customization, amazing story lines, you'll have trouble putting your pad down, I genuinely get excited every time I play this game, because of how massive the world is, every play through brings new adventures, new characters, new places, new stories and new rewards, you could play this game for months and find new things you previously never knew about, the graphics are out standing, immense game play, challenging boss fights, amusing dialogue, and a beautiful soundtrack really makes Skyrim stand out from all the rest, all I can really say is, if you're and RPG fan, and a fan of sandbox games, and want a game that's actually worth the price tag stuck to it, buy this you will not be disappointed! If i had to summarize it in a few words I would simply say, you need this game in your life!

Into the Wild (2007)

One of the best films ever made?

This film will convey a lot of different feelings, there's happiness, sadness, anger, you feel part of the story, especially the second time round, and the film gets more emotional and deep each time you watch it, as you notice more things each time, and even though you know what's coming, you're in awe every time.

Some scenes make you laugh, cry, smile, and most importantly think, the scenery will wow you, its raw beauty in its self is a major part of what makes this film so special.

Based on true events, it follows the life of bored student, Christopher Mcandless, or Alexander super-tramp, leaving his boring, conservative life style in west Virginia, to travel all the way to Alaska, by foot, hitch hiking and the occasional canoeing through through Nevada, he meets people like him self, who shape his adventure, and shows you something you would forget in modern day society, that is, this world is full of good people, who will trust a stranger with open arms, warmth an most importantly, something Chris wanted his whole life, love and support.

He has a dis like for his parents, as they lied through his and his sisters childhood, a lot of it being a blur, a cruel, unusual blur, he meets many parent like figures who could of made his life happier from the start, in particular Rainey and Jan, Ron, and Wayne (played by the fabulous Vince Vaughn, showing not every film he is in is second rate rubbish)

I'd be lying if I said you would finish this film with dry eyes, and each time you watch it, the eyes get less dry, especially the heart breaking conversation between Ron and Chris in Ron's car before Chris leaves for the Canadian border, which is even more heartbreaking the second time wrong, after finding out what happens in the end, makes Ron's personal dream, impossible...

One issue is the casting choice of Kristen Stewart as Tracy Tatro, this woman is a bad actress, and makes the character seem nothing more than vulnerable trailer trash who will put out for anyone, the character is deeper than that, but she just moped about with her miserable acting skills, monotone voice, and blank facial expressions, and for the record, she cannot sing! apart from her presence in this film, it is wonderful, do not let her put you off it, i could and would recommend this film to everyone! see some beauty, and see some deep, true characters! is this one of the best films ever made? yes, it really is!

9/10

If Kristen Stewarts presence wasn't in this film, a 10 would be awarded!

Brüno (2009)

Abysmal

The only reason i am giving this film a 2 and not a one was the very small amount of chuckles it gave me, This film is un-bearable, so bad it's not even good, it is nothing but a roller-coaster of homosexual jokes, stereotypes, bad Austrian accents, distasteful humour such as aborting a "retarded foetus" I am severely disappointed, after the greatness that was Borat, this garbage comes along and leaves too much to be desired for you to actually enjoy this piece of crap, i would not advise this film to anyone, unless you want a perfect example of how stupid society is for accepting this piece of trash and people who some how find this film funny, it was badly put together, the script is awful, the jokes are not funny, and the only appearances of "big celebrities" are total washouts who obviously must of been desperate for a quick buck, so they appeared in this, I feel sorry for the producer, that's a lot of money he won't be getting back, and anyone who finds this funny or could sit through the entire film, I would condemn it if I could, believe me, I am glad i watched this on TV and didn't spend good money in the cinema viewing this piece of crap, All else i can say is DO NOT WATCH!!!!!!!

The Town (2010)

A triumph

Ben Affleck, Rebecca Hall and Jon Hamm all give out standing performances in this crime drama blockbuster about a group of Boston bank robbers, one of which (Affleck) falls in love with the bank manager (hall) after taking her hostage, she doesn't know, and the guilt is killing him, things can only get worse...

I will not give much more away from the story because you have to see it to understand, this isn't just another typical "bang bang fight kill people" film it has emotion, heart and tries to get you involved with how the characters feel for each other, Douglas Mcray and Claire Keesey are star crossed lovers in the most surprisingly good film of 2010, the ending is exciting, pulse racing yet emotional and you will leave the cinema thinking "wow" but "I want more" the ending was left very open so maybe they're could be a sequel on the way for "the town" fans I would certainly enjoy it, so all in all I will recommend this film to anyone who enjoys crime, drama, action and an emotional punch, a fantastic film but the only things that let it down is a laughable sex scene, some rather cheesy one liners, some characters tend to mumble lines and you can't hear them properly and some characters aren't explained properly, but don't let it put you off a fantastic piece of cinema and go watch it at a movie theatre near you! Definitely worth the price!

7/10