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Reviews
Maboroshi kurozukin - yami ni tobu kage (1967)
Ridiculous low budget martial arts/cop 'action' flic
Oh gawwwwd what a nightmare! Premise is a pair of cops, who are also secretly 'ninja', are trying to get the goods on a crime boss, who is only ever mentioned by name and never seen and guards his person with an army of thugs and..you guessed it..ninja. Okay, lets start with the transformation sequence each ninja goes through, changing from their civilian guise to ninjas. This is accomplished by waving their hands in the air in whats meant to be, I assume, a mystical fashion. Theres a puff of smoke and voila, instant ninja, complete with brightly colored costume (the main characters is bright yellow, his partners, blue) and headband with a little ninja logo that has NIN on one side and JA on the other. Yes, they actually wear handbands that say 'Ninja', in case we're not sure. Then there usually ensues a martial arts duel thats 90% camera work and cheesy sound fx. The story is weak, the fights are _barely_ coreographed and drag on forever, the sound quality is terrible, the sets are anywhere they couldn't get thrown out of. There are also a few spontaneously introduced characters who have nothing to do with the plot per se, but provide a few more badass (*snicker*) 'martial artists' to pad out the listless fight scenes. And the acting is _sickly_. I give this steaming pile two thumbs...BURIED IN THE SAND!!! Don't see this. Do not seek it out, do not watch it on a dare, for gods sake don't pay money for it, just don't.
Science Crazed (1991)
Listless sci-fi flik in the frankenstein genre. Man impregnates a woman in his 'secret lab' (read 'garage'), who then dies spewing forth a full grown 'monster'. Murder ensues.
This is horrific. No really, this is ,bar none, the absolute worst...worst...I hesitate to even call it a @&$%in' _movie_. It is a ninety minute visual root canal. The plot is practically non-existent: a mad scientist who looks like the frontman from 'The Cars' impregnates a woman in his secret lab, a lawn chair in what I think may be a garage, via an injection of Palmolive. Within hours she births a full grown monster who then goes on a rampage. Thats the whole movie. The death scenes: these are poorly set up, take _forever_, and the acting...how can you mess up _screaming_?? The victims stand there while the growling, wheezing, congested freak advances on them and proceeds to limply strangle them for about three days. The sets are cheesy, the lighting for most of the movie consists of a single maglite (yes, a big honkin' flashlight), the sound quality is poor, theres only about 40 words of dialogue for the entire movie and the acting is generously described as wooden. Footage is shamelessly recycled to pad out the movie. And the special effects would make any BBC sci-fi production shake their head and proclaim "They didn't even try". The 'monster' is some nameless in a $3 halloween rubber mask with a few bandages slapped on. In its encounter with the lone cop of the movie the cop fires flashless, smokeless, invisible bullets that apparently travel so slow the monster can dodge them at five paces. Don't see this movie. No really, thats not a dare. Don't see this movie. The director should be shot. The writer should be chained to a giant rock where his liver will be devoured every morning by Ed Wood. Enough rentals and there could be a sequel, don't let it happen!