NiceMrJohn

Ok so I was real excited to see this movie when I rented it. I even had beer, and when I have beer its easy to enjoy just about everything. And I was really into the true life story of Ripper Owens, the kid who got to sing for Judas Priest, which this movie was partially based on. I have a strong feeling in my psychic verberaorations Ripper's life is about 100 times more fun than this doo-doo.

Its sad because this is a great premise for a story, small time kid who plays in tribute band actually gets to sing for the band he has been emulating his whole life. That's super. Well Wahlberg plays the geekiness/metalness pretty well. But get this, even though he has dedicated his LIFE to loving, imitating, and worshipping this band, he gets all goofed up over the fact that he can't write their songs now that he actually is in the band. Suddenly he doesn't know that the guitarist and drummer always write the songs(That would seem like vital info to a true fan). Suddenly this is a problem. WHAT? Suddenly lets just ditch our character for the convenience of a plot turner.

Wait I'm getting another vision, Jennifer Aniston in another movie! Basically we get the same ol Rachel character she plays on TV, but with metal hair. "Be be bebebebeebbebe" whatever the hell she always does. Its old and terrible. Anyway she play's Wahlberg's girlfriend in the flick and is there to do little more than get happy when he does something good (YAaaaY!) and fret the rest of the time. Oh boo hoo, we're getting into drugs, oh boo hoo all the other band members' wives are sluts and plus they hit on me and make me question my sexuality. Yeah boo hoo. This was only a DREAM of hers, and Marky Mark's, but now its just upsetting! Women should be more willing to make sacrifices for their men, THATs what I think.

But folks, this is the KICKER. The movie is almost over, we hope, we think. Wahlberg's playing in the band and suddenly just DECIDES to take off, handing the mike to some punk KID in the first row and lets him finish the show. The other members of the band just play on like yeah this is fine. That enables Marky to leave the stage, ON HIS OWN TERMS PEOPLE let it be known. He turns to the stage manager and goes " I gotta take a p***" (which is actually supposed to reference something romantic from early on - Just think of "Good Will Hunting"s line "I had to go see about a girl" but totally MeTaLized and you've got the idea).

THEN, OK THEN... We flash forward a year or two and Alternative rock is in!! Mark has his hair cut alterna-short and is wearing a cute little fuzzy hippy sweater and singing in a smoky coffeehouse. Oh, thank GOD you got COOL! Another character ditching!! A true metalhead would never fall so far. LAME. So here he is belting out this little soft sweet love tune while the other members (made up of the tribute band he was in at the beginning, they had a HUGE fallingout but yet here they are all together at the end, FRIENDS FOREVER XXXXOOOOXXXXXOOOO) back him up, also with cute little haircuts and pleasant, loving visages. Then Rachel comes in and he talks so SOFTLY to her its so sweet!!! CUE THE CREDITS BABY THAT WAS SUCH A GOLDEN ENDING. Thanks a lot test audiences!!!

So I guess I didn't like it at all. Negative 1 star out of 4. Yes its that bad.

Oh wait I forgot I wanted to upgrade this one star because they played "Good Vibrations" in the end credits. Ok 0 stars out of 4.

Night at the Roxbury is surprisingly entertaining. Maybe more so for me because I actually had a friend fix me up in one of those 80's style suits (Of course it was only 1990) to go pick up women. It didn't work but it makes for a damn funny movie. The characters are fleshed out as much as possible, Doug(Kattan) is the smart(er), weasely one, while Steve(Ferrell) is the dumb, lovable one. The two of them have some good moments together, especially when they're fighting. It will remind you of how you fought with your friends when you were younger. Like when you were 8.

Molly Shannon shows up and miraculously, is pretty funny. She's a horny broad from next door who tries to get Steve to "make out" with her all the time. Plus the guy who was in Scary Movie, Lochlyn Munro, plays Steve and Doug's trainer at the gym. He's always telling them how he's "very concerned about their triceps". And Chazz Palminteri is a club owner who asks everyone (even if they are clear across the room) "Did you just grab my ass?"

So anyfrigginwayz check this one out on cable. I don't know if I would say rent it because then expectations go up. Better to wait for the almost-free version. 2 stars out of 4.

If you rented this movie thinking there would be some reference to Ice T's metal experimentation Body Count, then you're an idiot. Actually you're cool for liking the group, but you're still an idiot for renting this. I saw it on cable and for some reason sat through the whole thing.

Alyssa Milano plays the girlfriend to a rich kid, whom she accompanies to his rich a-hole parents' mansion out in the boondocks. Quickly we learn that her boyfriend is free from all the influences he grew up with. We know this because she keeps nagging him to go back to being a teacher. She keeps doing this because well, he makes cute artsy references to things that famous writers like Shaw said. See, all people that carry around cool quotes in their noggins to impress girls with are all smart and should definitely be guiding our youth today. Cuz its so much more damn fulfilling than making money and stuff.

Anyway, we don't get to know the family for very long, cause Tommy "Tiny" Lister and Ice T and their token white boy break in and blow everyone away. Its too bad too, the chief from the show "Chips" was playing the Dad or the Uncle and was drinking scotch and getting hammered. I figured since he'd been working at McD's the past 20 years he would be glad to just be in a movie, even this one. But noooo, he's just in there for Ice T to bust a cap in his highway patrollin' ass.

It seems T and his cross-eyed buddy Tiny are interested in the lame collection of art in the boyfriend's house. That's right, not only is T a cold blooded killa, he also appreciates good art! We also know he's more intellectual than your average killa because he wears glasses.

So Alyssa and her horny-ass boyfriend, (they have sex twice but you don't see jack because Alyssa was beyond that sorta crazy stuff at that point - besides who cares, the hottest place to see her nude is in Bikini magazine before she got her implants, and she still kinda looked like the 16 yr. old Sam from Who's the Boss?) they decide to play John McClane and sneak and hide around the house avoiding Mr. Original Gangsta and Mr. Glazed Eyed Fatty. Alyssa even hides in the AC shaft, I kept expecting her to go "Now I know what a TV dinner feels like!"

Eventually we find out a family member is involved in the whole scheme, and then there is an even lamer twist at the end that I don't want to give away. Mostly because then imdb might not post this, not because its thrilling or anything. If there is anything positive about this flick, I would say the film quality is good, it doesn't have that grainy look of cheap movies. But I guess all they really needed to do was rent that one big house since the whole movie takes place there. And of course Ms. Milano is a damn fine pleasure to watch. Those have to be the sexiest lips I've seen. And we do get to watch her wriggle into that AC shaft - from behind. At least the director had some sense. And of course, Ice T is always fun to watch as long as he's just playing himself, not a stupid art thief. Oh wait never mind.