Change Your Image
thedarkestshadow-32785
Reviews
Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls (2023)
Bot reviews galore
You know the movie sucks when it has to rely on dozens and dozens of reviews by bot accounts giving it a glowing nine or ten star rating.
This movie gets one star for Barbara Crampton and one star for Jeffrey Combs. I'd give it a half star for the goth looking woman if I could because I think she's attractive.
The main character's ridiculous way of speaking starts to wear thin and get on the nerves extremely quickly to the point where you want to punch him in the mouth. It's not funny. He's not funny. This movie is not funny.
That saying about fools and their money is true given that this was Kickstarter backed.
Hybrid (1997)
Your eyes will hurt from all the rolling
This is such a stupid movie. The characters are supposed to be securing the base. Before doing so the two women decide to take a pseudo lesbian soft core shower despite having just found a body with large claw marks on it. Nothing but a poor excuse for nudity. Neither women are that great looking either.
The acting is hit or miss but mostly miss. The "plot" if you can call it that has plenty of wtf moments other than the absurd shower scene. For example, two people are running around with guns at the beginning. Not sure whether they're trying to kill the monster or get to a safe space. The first one gets killed rather quickly. The second doesn't even try to shoot the monster.
This might be worth watching on a drinking night or something but that's about it.
The Cropsey Incident (2017)
Wow do not watch
This movie needs to win an award for the most annoying cast of characters of all time. I could not stomach their annoying attitudes long enough to see if they got their comeuppance. I had to turn it off. I really wish you could give negative stars on this site. A negative ten would not be enough for this raging dumpster fire.
I should have known this would be a terrible waste of film, streaming data, money, etc when I saw the opening text scrawl. Instead of just having the text on screen and letting you read it they had the bright idea to have it be read by an irritating computer voice. Wild Eye is a terrible studio.
Shadow of the Missing (2018)
Nope
I turned it off at "Trump Critic". I HATE when filmmakers put their political bias into a movie that has Nothing to do with politics. There was absolutely ZERO reason to have that line In the movie. Also, in case anyone is wondering yes I would have had the same reaction if he had said Biden critic instead.
I watch movies to be entertained. I don't give a flip about your political leanings. Save that for your blog or whatever.
Judging by the other reviews here I dodged a bullet and I am not missing anything anyways.
That's all I have to say about this movie so the rest will just be filler..
Dwellers (2021)
Decent
This is a decent FF movie. It's basically a found footage C. H. U. D. movie. The acting is pretty decent with the exception of the detective doing the interrogation. He is incredibly awful. I hope they didn't pay him very much. He should have done it for free with that performance. The man playing the government agent was trying way too hard to be Agent Smith from the Matrix lol.
I would still like to see a movie where the characters are at least halfway intelligent. You're going down in the sewers and you only bring two lights?
What kind of dime store batteries were they using in their cameras? They had to be replaced every ten minutes or so.
M3GAN (2022)
Dog dies
I don't know why these directors think they always have to put dog deaths in their horror movies. There is absolutely no need for it. Any movie that does it will get a one out of ten from me. I would give it a zero if it was possible.
If not for that I probably would have given this movie at least a five or maybe a six. These directors need to realize that dog deaths just tick people off and they need to stop. There are other ways to show how "evil" the antagonist is.
This is the end of my review. I have nothing further to say about this movie but I have to add more characters because of the ridiculous character count.
Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths - Part One (2024)
Not enough crisis
This travesty of a so called adaptation focuses almost entirely on Barry Allen and Iris West's relationship and only the last 20 minutes or so really has anything to do with the title event. I do not know what the writers were thinking but they should be fired and blackballed from ever writing again.
The CW version was one hundred thousand times better even with teeny tiny Tyler playing Superman and them replacing Batman with Batwoman ( especially with that god awful actress in the role).
It's rare for me to not like a DC animated movie. It's even more rare for me to absolutely hate one. Congrats for making this garbage.
Countdown (2019)
Too much filler
Extremely unnecessary sexual harassment subplot. Stupidly unnecessary romance subplot.
Characters are likable and intelligent enough which is a plus after the "horror" movie I watched the day before. None are annoying except the SH doctor and the hospital staff that immediately believe him without question which is complete nonsense.
I don't see how anyone could be scared by this movie other than maybe being startled by a jump scare. The creature is creepy looking when it finally shows itself but you don't see much of it.
The movie is competently made. No sound or lighting issues. Not bad just average.
Cursed Friends (2022)
Unfunny and unlikable
I kept waiting for something funny to happen and I was severely disappointed. The only one of the four main characters that wasn't unbelievably aggravating and annoying was Erica Greenspan.
The rest of them needed a good punch or two in the mouth. They're competent actors but absolutely terrible comedians. None of them were funny though. Even Joey Fatone is annoying. None of the jokes landed at all. They weren't even good enough to be called juvenile.
The visual effects were awful. At least the sound was good enough. I'm done now so I'm just gonna write to fill up the stupid character limit.
Dead Trigger (2017)
Wow
Looks like Dolph pulled the same crap for this movie as Steven Seagal did with Submerged. You can tell the actors barely had time to read the new script. I doubt they're good actors to begin with but the rushed script probably didn't help.
The blood effects are extremely cheap CGI. The zombie makeup looks like amateur Halloween contest jobs.
The only good thing about this movie is Natali Yura. She's gorgeous.
The "soldiers" are laughable. If you don't want to make noise then why weren't the weapons equipped with suppressors.
I wonder what the movie would have been like if Dolph hadn't forced the changes at the last minute. It sounded a lot better.
My Horror Story (2019)
Stupid format
Whoever decided that switching back and forth between stories was a good way to do the show needs to be fired. It's annoying and incredibly stupid. It makes no sense at all. I probably won't watch anymore episodes because of this asinine decision. It would be an interesting show if not for this format. Dumb dumb!!
I should also add that they should have been more clear on the story from the second (?) episode. Did the little girl live? The mother rushed in and found her body cold and I think she used the word 'was' when referring to the little girl but I'm not sure. They were not really clear.
Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)
Abysmal and cheap
The creeper make up is awful. The new version of the song is awful. If you could t get the original music should have been left out entirely.
The creeper stopping every five minutes to play that awful song is absolutely stupid. The new truck looked terrible and cheaply made.
The cult thing is dumb as hell. The crows flying the creeper away is stupid. The girl's eyes turning black at the end made zero sense.
The people involved with production, writing and directing this train wreck should be barred from making anything else. The acting was sci-fi channel movie level. I don't know what they were thinking when making this POS.
Horror in the High Desert 2: Minerva (2023)
Better than the first
The first one was a slow boring drag until right near the end. This one starts off interesting and kept me interested the whole time. It's really a 5/10 but I gave it a 7 to offset the stupidly negative reviews.
The acting is for the most part good. Lighting is good. Never had a problem seeing anything except when I wasn't supposed to. Sound was good as well.
I would also like to say that the actress playing Minerva is absolutely stunning.
There really should have been some kind of transition between them talking and Minerva and the other girl. Instead it just jumps right into it. And then jumps right back to Minerva's friend and the reporter from the first one.
Also, what kind of idiot would tell their child to get out of their car and go hide on the side of the road if they were to break down? In the car you may be seen and have nowhere to run but you still have something between you and whatever might be outside. You would be completely exposed if you get out.
The Howling: Reborn (2011)
Not the worst sequel
First thing: The bully is an awful actor. The rest of the actors are decent. When he falls down the stairwell it is clearly a dummy. It doesn't even hit like a real body would.
For all the people wondering why he didn't change until he was 18 it's because he's a natural werewolf and not a bitten one. It's weird but does happen in some stories though it's usually around puberty at age 12 or whatever.
What I find silly is that the father didn't recognize the mother. Sure it had been 18 years but come on.
For a werewolf movie they are barely in it. They are not shown until the movie has about 25 minutes left abs they look awful. They look like diseased rats. The reviewer that said they look similar to the first movie is clearly blind.
For the people saying the girl's personality changes.... There's a big difference in behaving like a strong person under normal circumstances and when being chased by murderous monsters.
Chest (2022)
Decent but nothing new
Just gonna say this now: The majority of the cast has decent acting skills. Marissa Kaye, however, is downright terrible. Easily the worst part of the movie. Even her facial expressions are fake as hell. She must be related to or in a relationship with someone on the crew. She really drags the movie down every time she opens her mouth or tries to convey emotions.
Sarah VanArsdal is the best. I gave this two extra stars just for her. She's gorgeous and probably one of the better actors.
The story is nothing new. A group of people go into the woods poking around where they shouldn't and ignore all the warnings of the locals and the warning signs in the area.
I'd say it's worth a watch once.
E-Demon (2016)
Not great
This is entertaining but pretty bad. The acting is pretty laughable. I'd also like to know what year this takes place and what kind of garbage webcams and internet connections these people are using. Every other second the image has errors or buffers. Several times I thought it was my device. It's really aggravating and distracting several times.
There were a few scenes that are hilarious in a so bad it's good kind of way.
Also, ignore the idiot claiming racism. Lots of people die and are killed by lots of different people. But of course hateful race baiters are gonna try to spread their hate and misinformation.
Behind the Sightings (2021)
I have a self defense flashlight LOL
The male character is probably the stupidest horror movie character I've seen in a long time. He wants to go out to the middle of the woods at night and thinks a flashlight with a flashing SOS feature is gonna save him. I think his stupidity then infected his wife because of her whole " they're not dangerous they just returned your wallet" crap. At least she's really gorgeous.
I just have to laugh at the idiot reviewer here that expected a real horror documentary instead of a found footage mockumentary.
To the one reviewer who thinks there should be a crossover to hell house llc: why? The clown in that was a prop that the demons or whatever possessed. Has absolutely nothing to do with a bunch of psychopaths dressing up as clowns.
Minus one star for the stupid political black lives matter crap unnecessarily thrown in.
JLA Adventures: Trapped in Time (2014)
Bad plot
The time travel plot of this is pretty bad. Stopping Superman from being raised on Earth would not stop Bruce Wayne's parents from being killed and thus would not stop him from becoming Batman. It would not stop Wonder Wiman from leaving her island. It would not stop Barry Allen from getting struck by lightning and becoming The Flash. It MIGHT lead to events that would stop Cyborg from being created. It MIGHT lead to events that would either stop Arthur Curry from going to Atlantis or coming back to the surface once he got there. It also would not stop dozens of other superheroes from being born or created.
That being said, the animation and voice acting were very well done.
The Andy Baker Tape (2021)
Boring and nonsensical
Nothing much happens until the last 10 minutes or so. If you are looking for something in the horror genre look elsewhere.
You could tell from the first couple minutes that Andy is severely unhinged. No matter what insane crap he pulled Jeff kept letting him back into his life.
It was especially stupid at the end. Some guy you'd just met has repeatedly done creepy disturbing crap and then ignored your phone calls ( why in the world you'd be calling at this point is beyond me) yet you're going to let him in your house? Especially after just finding out he has been stalking and recording you for days? The actors were good but that can't save the idiotic script.
Ghoul (2012)
Awful
This is based on a Brian Keene novel. I wasted my time reading his dumpster fire The Rising which ended on a cliffhanger. He had ZERO plans to write a sequel until he got taken to task for it. His sequel was utter garbage that had an even worse ending. He said he couldn't think of any other way to end it. Any talented author would have several different endings in mind . But then a talented author wouldn't end a novel on a cliffhanger with no plans to finish the story. It should be a crime that a hack like this gets a movie based on his trash ideas but actual talented horror authors like Robert McCammon get left behind. Anyways, this movie was as bad of not worse than his dumpster fire novels. Don't waste your time.
Zombieworld (2015)
Beyond stupid
Do not listen to the glowing five+ star reviews. This is extremely stupid and unfunny. It's some kind of idiotic anthology comedy. The best thing to come out of this was someone making a side scrolling beat 'em up out of the Jesus bit. The zombie makeup was atrocious z it looked like burnt eggs. Note to would be film makers. If you are trying to make a comedy it is best to make sure it is actually funny. If you can't make good jokes and sketches do not bother trying. It just makes a bad movie even worse and extremely painful to watch......
The wannabe Shaun of the dead sketch is the worst........
Battle of the Beasts: Bigfoot vs. Yeti (2022)
Incredibly dumb
This has to be one of the stupidest things I've ever seen. One example: this so called "expert" says something about a yeti throwing rocks in a fight. There have been dozens of reports of Sasquatch throwing boulders.
Then they talk about the Bigfoot teleporting and other stupidity like that. After that they go off on idiocy about them vs this or that cryptid. Why? Why not just do a monster fight "documentary" with an all out brawl instead of calling it Bigfoot vs Yeti. Some of the people talking on here just make no sense. A comic book artist? A video game creator? What are their credentials?
6:15 (2015)
Do not listen to brook
Giving this a 1 star rating is perfectly acceptable if you hated the movie. The sound quality or any of that she mentions does not matter if you truly hated it.
Anyways.. this is regular amateur F grade crap like you often find in Amazon.
The Barge People (2018)
Awful
This could have been a better movie with a few changes ( like the ending). The makeup was just ok. The acting wasn't terrible. The movie was extremely predictable though which made it boring. Also, IMO Makenna Guyler should have been the lead.
Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021)
Worse than the older ones
This movie is just awful. I'm not going to mention how ridiculous the casting choices are. The costumes are amateur. I've seen better at local comic conventions. The CGI is atrocious and looks extremely low budget. There are no scares at all. Apparently they forgot this was based on survival HORROR.
The story is an absurd mashup of the first two games and doesn't get a single thing right.
Instead of being a thriving city Raccoon is a dying ghost town. Chris and Claire are orphans who resided at the RC Orphanage. Birkin is like a father to Chris.
Jill and Wesker are sitting in a bar in one scene with Leon ( who btw is a pathetic halfwit). Jill has the hots for Wesker who doesn't wear sunglasses and is a prankster. Jill is a trigger happy wannabe. At least she's beautiful.
Bravo team, which consists of two members in normal police uniforms, go to the mansion in a jeep. Neither of those two are in the game. Alpha team consists of Wesker, Jill, Chris and Richard ( the snake victim who was a member of Bravo in the game). They do not get attacked outside the mansion.
Chief Irons does not seem to know what's going on and dies by Licker. Brad dies after crashing the chopper into the mansion. Wesker tells Jill almost immediately that he's a traitor.
That's not even half of f what this movie gets wrong. It's hard to believe the older movies got more right than this waste of film.