Change Your Image
Karl Self
Ratings
Most Recently Rated
Reviews
Hollywood Babylon (1971)
Entertaining sleaze
Some of the sleaziest rumors of old Hollywood turned into a series of short films with beautiful, and often even stunning, girls and overly long and rambling voiceovers. The film works with allegations and insinuations probably for legal reasons (because many of the stories are overblown or completely fictitious) which takes a lot of the edge away and makes the storytelling weirdly coy and camp. Many of the stars are so old that you may never have heard of them, such as Olive Thomas. In the case of Fatty Arbuckle, being exonerated in a court of law didn't save him from getting smeared here once more.
The Fourth Body (2004)
Pretentious
Roy Stuart is no doubt a master of photographing and filming pretty young women in visually pleasing and sexually charged scenes. As he does here. The problem is that this is a weird collection of stuff seemingly from the cutting room floor, and assembled and glued together by the soundtrack, for over an hour. It's called The Fourth Body because there are four actresses. So eventually the "fourth body" comes up in the film. There is no theme, no narrative, and absolutely no story. In other words, it's gonzo prn but without the hardcore elements (as far as I could tell), but in boring.
Don't watch boring stuff.
Roy Stuart likes to shoot with just the in-camera microphone (i. E. crappy dialogue recording) and he kind of makes up for it with the dubbed soundtrack. An interesting technique. However, not enough to make this movie anything but boring.
La Grande Lèche (1979)
No Slaves Were Harmed In The Filming Of This Movie
Also known as Les esclaves sexuelles, and not to be confused with Esclaves sexuelles à la catalogue (1977), this movie features preciously few "sexual slaves" but a businessman (?) and his butler getting into various scenarios of the romping kind.
At first. Jean-Philippe (Alpha France stalwart Dominique Aveline) returns home from a business trip to his two sex kittens in residence, whence he has found two souvenirs - viz, two sexy girls. After various romps, he is joined by his faithful retainer, Georges (Richard Lemievre). He goes to visit a lady friend, assisted by his butler. A pimp brings in Brigitte, and then again because she has fallen in love with Jean-Philippe. In the end, Jean Philippe brings home to his harem two business associates, and the film concludes in its final orgy.
The end.
Director Burd Tranbaree wasn't big on narration, but he sure knew how to create a fun an sexy scene.
Le droit de cuissage (1980)
Into Your Arms
This should take the prize for most sex scenes in the shortest amount of time with a mostly coherent storyline. Geneviève is a prude at home but a sexual maniac when in the arms of strange men, namely the entire squad of Alpha France studs. Then a neighbour forces her into more depravity by threatening to tell her husband on her, who of course planned the whole shenanigan in the first place. In the end she has overcome her inhibitions and joins her husband for yet another of his swinging parties, but this time she gets all the attention. Élisabeth Buré handles the scenes gracefully, and since the film is set in the swinging community, there are several more exciting actresses in the mix.
Dames de compagnie (1982)
In the company of dames
Hunky man with a beard Philippe (Richard Allen) leads a ring of swinging housewives, whom he drives around Paris in the secret star of this movie, a yellow Range Rover. When he is spotted frolicking with the real housewives of Paris in the park by Marcel (Jack Gatteau), the latter quickly sees the benefit of this concept and introduces Philippe to his wife Germaine (Lucie Doll) as an "amateur photographer". After a few cursory snaps a threesome ensues. But even before, as Philippe dutifully returns his playmates to their waiting husbands, he is introduced to "a cousin from the countryside" Béatrice (Anne Verusca). There are a few more sticky encounters to take an apéritif and hide the sausage with various husbands and wives, until eventually neither Philippe nor Marcel are in the picture anymore, and the initial plot runs a bit thin. There is one foursome with Alban Ceray in particular where I had the impression that the director (legendary Burd Tranbaree aka Claude Bernard-Aubert simply let the camera roll and had a drink while they were getting it on on the settee). Eventually all the swingers (one couple even arrives on a tandem) are reunited for a sticky pique-nique in the park were plenty of foodstuffs are put to creative use. Philippe and Béatrice stay behind to clean up, and hit it off once more.
Ma mère me prostitue (1982)
Like Mother, Like Daughter
I'm so glad that the sensitive issue of parental prostitution is handled in a non-exploitative manner ... psych! No, in reality, the movie goes full lurid. At least mother and daughter are both able to get a kick out of the most harrowing sexual experience and are able to turn the tables on their exploiters, and we, the viewers, are not expected to take delight in their suffering.
MILF Valérie, who appears to be in her early twenties, is stranded with her wealthy sugar daddy in the Bois de Boulogne, and two passing motorcyclists take advantage of this predicament by raping her in front of him. When she seems to enjoy this scenario, Mr Big promptly leaves her behind.
Now destitute, she seeks employment for her daughter Gigi at Paris' infamous Place Pigalle with a ridicuously fat and gross manager ... at a peep show. Luckily, Gigi is successful and adventurous and enjoys her novel line of work. Various outrageous scenarios ensue! Eventually, Gigi hitches up with the good-looking Patrick (Gil Lagadère) and has some fun of her own. Together with Patrick she even turns the tables on her mother.
Mes nuits avec... Alice, Pénélope, Arnold, Maud et Richard (1976)
Sex And Death
Some Alpha France movies are simplistic (let's all meet at a country house and fornicate), some are overly complex, and some are batshit weird, like this one. A upperclass woman, Maude, is driven by her chauffeur to a cemetery, where she converses with the souls of three young women, Alice, Pénélopé and Valérie, while masturbating herself. Then the three women are shown to each have had outrageous an sex scene, whereupon they attempted suicide, then they were taken by the mysterious lady to her abode decked out with penises, then they each get the chance to get themselves balled to death in extravagant ways, which they do. An ageing Maude returns to the graves and continues to jill herself off, until she states that she can't keep up this business anymore. The ghosts implore her to continue. Then the camera zooms back to reveal an entire cemetery full of white wooden crosses, each of which apparently marking the grave of a chick who has shagged herself to death in a psychedelic way for Maude to get herself off to.
The end.
What is sexy about combining porn with suicides?
There is also a complete song "Noyée dans tes yeux" ("I Have Drowned In Your Eyes"), breathily performed by Pénélopé, included, complete with a professional-looking cover.
The title "Mes nuits avec" ("My nights with") doesn't even begin to convey the weirdness of the story. To begin with, there are no night scenes, and all the rumpy pumpy occurs during the daytime. Since Valérie isn't mentioned as a principal character, it is suggested that the is the author, or doesn't matter. Arnold is a supporting character, the dogsbody with a permanent erection. As for Richard, I'm not even sure which one he is. The English title, "The Kinky Ladies Of Bourbon Street" (in New Orleans?) was apparently randomly picked out of a hat. No Bourbon Street is ever mentioned in the movie.
Alpha France is famous for reusing the same set of about 20 actors and performers in every conceivable constellation, but this one is the odd one out, with sexy but unrecognisable talent. Except for Richard Lemieuvre (Richard Allan), but strangely he is uncredited.
This movie can claim to contain possibly the first bukkake scene in history ... and it is even more extreme than all that were to follow ...
Remplissez-moi... les 3 trous (1978)
Remplissez-moi ... les 3 pages du scénario
We are somewhere in the French countryside and it is a beautiful sunny day by the pool. The husband owns a champagne company and tells his wife or girlfriend (the lithesome Barbara Moose) that he has set up a sweepstakes for his new brand "Champagne Dugland" and that he needs to collect the bottles of champagne from his company offices which are to be awarded to the lucky winners. He instructs his spouse to "entertain" any prize winners that should arrive prematurely, and departs. Barbara has a tipple, then the first winner (Cyril Val) arrives, and they while away the minutes by having sex. As more lucky winners arrive, and even without the champagne flowing as freely as they expected, an extended orgy ensues. We are treated to an all-star cast porking for the best part of an hour. No corner of house and garden remains uninvaded, and some cute kittens are very nearly sexually abused or mangled. There are naked babes and beardy weirdies a-plenty re-enacting the full Kama Sutra page by page. The only thing that's in short supply is any semblance of a story.
As is to be fully expected, the champagne chairman arrives after exactly one hour with two measly bottles in hand, everyone forms a human sex tower unseen before in all of cinema history and ever since, and then they all dance in a merry-go-round. The end.
According to the trailer, the film was initially simply called "Les 3 trous" (The 3 Holes), the German title "Die Flasche zum Ficken" refers to a short scene where a champagne bottle is used for an alternative purpose.
Chaleurs intimes (1977)
Upper-class slvts ... with open hearts
Antoine is a successful businessman happily boinking his secretary Annette (a still brunette Brigitte Lahaie in one of her earlier roles) when he encounters the mundane Odette (Erica Cool) and immediately hits it off with her. There are several sexy scenes which end with Antoine underperforming and Odette reproaching him for his shortcoming. Why didn't he just stick with Annette? All of this is recounted in a radio show called À coeur ouvert which Odette listens to while driving.
Then there is another plot where Odette is a sexworker for her pimp, where she drives a Jag and lives in a castle with a butler. In the beginning it seems that she is dissatisfied with her job.
The three lead actors are beautiful, the erotic segments seem to be shot softcore with hardcore inserts (there is also a softcore version where Odette is called Jaqueline). Unfortunately it's not very sexy to see Antoine humping away for several minutes only to end with a sulking Odette. Bernard Hug has a rocking body but constantly makes weird Ugh-ugh-ugh sounds.
Not to be confused with the 1971 French porn movie of the same name. Also released as Bourgeoise et pute (A Lady And A Slvt) or À coeur ouvert (Open-hearted) or Dans la chaleur intime.
Le sexe qui parle (1975)
My Lips Are Sealed
Joelle is a highly sexed woman who has fugues where she gets it on with women she meets on the streets, or she just masturbates at a party. Then her pussy starts to talk and eggs her (and anyone around) on. Joelle goes into a seedy cinema and has gets it off with two of the punters - pretty funny, as this is exactly the place where this type of movie would have been featured. Her husband involves a friend of the medical profession and she involves the press, who proceeds to hunt down Joelle for a juicy story. Joelle and her husband flee to her abandoned childhood home in the bondooks, where her pussy tell-tales her husband all about her colourful youthful exploits. Eventually it's her equally oversexed aunt who is a tattle-tale to the press and betrays her. The journalist in pursuit interviews her pussy and Joelle thinks that her ordeal is at last over. But is it?
A truely outrageous plot with a lot of fun sex scenes.
Cathy, fille soumise (1977)
Cathy, histoire confuse
In the first scene, Cathy is inexplicably raped by three men.
Then the plot switches to a couple who make love on a hayride before being joined by a raven-haired female friend who arrives by train. After shaboinking with a dildo, the man helps cyclist Cathy to repair her bike and instantly falls for her. He avows to her that he knows from a friend "what she does" (prostitution apparently), then Cathy is abducted by her three pimps from the big city, who force her to make love to a cucumber, then rape her once more. She owns up to her new lover Simon, a local farmer, about how she initially worked for and fell for her pimp Tony, engaging in ever more sordid occupations until full-blown street prostitution ensued. Meanwhile Simon's two girlfriends get it off with a local girl. Pimp Tony is eventually caught by locals and made to watch Simon shag all the local birds. Personally, in Tony's place, I would have preferred to have been roughed up by the locals instead. Simon then has congress with Cathy by a river while there is a blue-sky thunder storm in the background.
Bottom line: The director fails terribly to create any sexy scene despite the many pretty actresses at his disposal. Mainly because of his predilection to dildos, which don't really work in a romantic setting. The sex scenes seem like physical workouts - this is what I imagine would happen when a gay director shoots a straight erotic movie. Then the main actor goes in for the "fallen girl" immediately after having a ménage à trois, which doesn't make any sense. Plus there is a very confused plot and background story. Why do the three pimps not simply drag Cathy back to the big city, rather than repeatedly gang-raping her and letting her go. What does rape have to do in a sexy film in the first place? Not even the title makes sense, as Cathy really isn't in any way a "submissive girl".
Auto-stoppeuses en chaleur (1979)
I'm Drivin' My Life Away
Part porn, part road movie, part ... erm ... having sex around the house, a man named Francois sets off from Paris to his home on the coast and has various sexual encounters on the way. At first he is being seduced by two female foreign hitchhikers, then he is delayed by several other encounters, so that he eventually picks them up again later in the movie. The intermissionary stories are that of Brigitte Lahaie, who seems to be escaping her abusive husband and proceeds to have thank-you sex with her saviour, but then it turns out that this was just role-playing with her husband whom she eventually has congress with; also Francois helps a blonde damsel with a broken-down car, whereupon there is a romp in the hotel with a sexy French maid. In the last third of the film, he takes the two female hitchhikers home to his loving wife, and the four have a series of romps in various constellations - frankly this is just shooting candid material without much of a storyline anymore. Apparently the script ran out. Although creative credits are due to the very innovative use of a dildo (godemiche).
The classic Alpha France actresses are involved, namely Brigitte Lahaie, Cathy Stewart (the brown-haired one) and Karine Gambier (the bottle blonde) in individual scenes, while most of the performances consist of actresses such as Lucy Doll and Brigitte Verbecq (the hitchhikers) and Liliane Allan (the wife).
Alpha France often managed to create sexy yet hardcore entertainment, certainly catering to the male viewer, but it always seems like a playful celebration of sexy women (and men) rather than a hateful showcasing of sordid sex acts performed by despicable sluts.
Solid sexy entertainment from legendary director Burd Tranbaree.
Un été à Saint-Tropez (1983)
Un été idéal
This is straight up one of David Hamilton's famous photobooks but shot as a movie. There is no story. And we don't ever get to see Saint Tropez. Pretty and slim girls frolick around in various combinations and situations, and it's sexy and esthetic. If I remember correctly, we get to see nipples, and that's it. And it's over all too soon in under one hour.
One think that always strikes me about David Hamilton is that I guess this is the way a girl or young woman would like to be presented in an erotic manner. Sexy but tastefully.
David Hamilton's earlier movies used to tell a story. I don't know why he gave it up. In 1983 he made two movies with financial backing from Germany, Un été à Saint Tropez and Premiers désirs, and both don't offer much in the way of a storyline.
Io, Emmanuelle (1969)
No Man For Emmanuelle
When this film came out in 1969, viewers especially in Italy would have made the beeline connection between its eponymous heroine and the 1959 erotic bestseller by Emmanuelle Arsan (Marayat Rollet-Andriane), especially given the sexy lead actress Erika Blanc. Although absolutely no connection other than the name exists. The original heroine (original = from the book) enjoys and explores sexuality (although she does go too far in that she actually gets raped), in this 1969 movie however we experience a young woman who is dressed up like a Barbie doll, but seems to have serious mental issues in that she often interprets her environment in scenes (fugues) that seem to be straight out of a horror movie. This may have been triggered, but can not have been caused by her being abandoned by her partner. She throws herself "into the arms of several men" only to instantly reprimand them for it like the little social warrior that seems to be hiding under her Chanel costume. Like the English boilerplate for the movie stated: "The QUEER ... The Erotic ... The HIPPIE ... all turned her on!"
This movie delivers a deeply depressing outlook on women and sexuality. Maybe the original character Emmanuelle was a bit shallow, but at least she was entertaining and life-affirming.
Like I said, it's not related in any way, shape or form to the erotic book, but it's also the closest we ever got to a Nouvelle Vague treatment of "Emmanuelle".
La seduzione (1973)
Love, sex and no videotapes
The most important thing is that the seduction triangle functions on every part. Maurice Ronet (the man), Lisa Gastoni (the woman) and Graziella ("little grace" = Jenny Tamburi) are believable in their roles, with Gastoni really delivering a stunning performance, and Jenny Tamburi is, well, pretty and superficial. As she would be. It is a great twist that is at once the spurned woman but also a caring mother who worries about her daughter and just about a fellow woman suffering a broken heart.
In my opinion, this is not an Italian version of Lolita. Lolita the book is actually about the sexual exploitation of a girl. This is not the case here as Graziella is an active participant who is hopeful of getting one over her mother and thus emancipating herself.
NB the 15 years-old Graziella is played by the 21 years-old Tamburi.
À nous les petites salopes (1981)
More oy vey than Hou-là-là
This movie has more titles than the Aga Khan:
* À nous les petites salopes: "Let's Get Them Little Skeezers" - a play on the title of the French rom-com "À nous les petites Anglaises" (1976)
* Gémissements pervers: "Perverted Groans"
* Isabelle et Olga - although no-one by that name appears in the movie
* Les petites allumeuses: "The Little Teases"
* Les petites salopes: "The Little Skeezers"
The origin story of the film is probably more interesting than the film itself. Two shop girls run off, hide in the cellar of an apartment building and pretty grubby sex scenes ensue. Seedy old men offer them shelter and ask for sex in return -- Not a very classy premise. Resulting in, uncharacteristical for production company Alpha France, a pretty unsexy film.
The movie has been edited into a softcore version "Isabelle et Olga".
I must add that I've seen this as a bad VHS copy.
Carnival Story (1954)
Life's a carnival
I like this movie a lot because it has a great story and great, yet unknown to me, actors, but also because it is a rare movie set in a postwar Munich. Ten years after the war the city still looks incredibly ragged. The stunts are still amazing. Another twist to this is that director Kurt Neumann started off in Hollywood reshooting German versions of successful US-American movies, yet here he is back in his homeland, creating a successful English-language venture in Germany and then reshooting it with German actors. If you don't know Kurt Neumann, his movies are really worth your while, and they include the earliest postwar scifi-rocket movie.
Les délices du tossing (1983)
When Giants Fail
I have a lot of respect for the creators (directors, cameramen, actresses, everyone) in watchable full-feature-length porn movies. Those that are entertaining and titillating and worth your time. It's a hell of a feat. You will get absolutely no love from critics, and very little respect from punters. In a way, it really is art for art's sake.
Director Gérard Kikoine is one of the stalwarts of this genre, but unfortunately, this movie is a bit of a let-down. We follow the fates of a group of sexy girls on mopeds working for the "Mini Services" company in Paris. The plot doesn't sound that complicated, but nevertheless it gets confusing. First of, what on earth is the "Tossing" alluded to in the title? Apparently it's the act of the girls flirting with their handsome customers. One of the girls somehow wants to move to the US. Then there is an orgy where some girls have burning candles stuck up their butts. Then there is an entirely different plot involving a masked surgeon with a huge dick. One of the Mini Services girl is so enamoured that she goes around with a life-sized photograph of this precocious pecker comparing it to every other sample she comes across.
The sex doesn't sizzle, the girls don't shine, I'd give this one a miss.
Les bas de soie noire (1981)
One of the better ones
This may be the most archetypal of all French porn plots: Attractive girl is sent to castle for her sex education, then falls in love with (French) French maid. Who introduces her to the world of gettin' jiggy with it. The girls are luscious, one scene chases the next, there is at least an attempt at a background story and good cinematography; but most of all, there is a fun atmosphere and the girls are treated respectfully.
Christine Schwarz as the central character Jessica is one to look out for, she knows to act and to perform. Many Alpha France staples are on the job here.
If you only watch one Alpha France movie, you could do a lot worse than this one.
Les demoiselles de pensionnat (1976)
Never confuse very young girls with young girls or even just girls
After endless years of tireless hunting, I might well have discovered the absolutely worst film ever of all times. After a bit of mafia tomfoolery ("Make sure to send his corpse home to his mom in Sicily ... I always keep my promises!"), the story focuses on a training camp for girls who are being forced into prostitution (although two of them point out that they were already prostituting themselves just for fun) run by an international crime ring of French criminals. The girls, including Karine Gambier with her signature blonde quiff, are actually beautiful, but since this is a softcore movie with full frontal nudity at best, not much is being made of this asset. A tough female pimp of colour, Carla, gets into the picture, who, after endlessly long 75 minutes, turns out to be a police informer.
This film is known as "Blutjunge Mädchen, zur Liebe gezwungen" ("Very young girls, forced into love") in German. All too easily confused with the entirely different movies "Junge Mädchen, zur Liebe gezwungen" and "Mädchen, zur Liebe gezwungen". A lot of forcing of various girls going on in the 1970ies, apparently. I was actually after the giallo "La settima donna", which also goes under the German name of "Junge Mädchen, zur Liebe gezwungen".
Rolling Papers (2015)
Dope is super
In 2013, just before the statewide legalisation of cannabis, The Denver Post newspaper created a editorial department especially for marijuana-related stories, headed by one Ricardo Baca. This new section included critics who were going to sample and review weed strains, and a mom who wrote about smoking dope and being a mom, however that goes together. In other words, another competition for titles such as High Times which have existed for forever, but this time coming from an established newspaper who wanted their cut of a lucrative market. OK, and that's about it for the content of this documentary. Anytime anyone says something positive or cracks a joke about (I don't want to repeat myself but here goes) weed there is an uproar of laughter from some audience.
Reclaiming Amy (2021)
Restoring Mitch
This BBC documentary comes ten years after the death of Amy Winehouse, and five years after the Acadamy Awards-winning documentary Amy. Although the latter didn't set out to be overly caustic, it showed Amy's father Mitch in two unfavourable situations, once telling his daughter to that she must do a show and in another case bringing his own camera team. This documentary explicitly sets out to "set the balance straight" and tell the parents' story. I'm not sure it's the point of any documentary, especially one by a publicly financed broadcaster, to tell a one-sided story.
Sessomatto (1973)
Sexy comedy and proud of it
Normally the epithet "sexy comedy" is a cinematic death knell, but the cooperation of the fantastic Laura Antonelli, Giancarlo Giannini and director Dino Risi turned this into a timeless classic. And yes, it's funny and sexy. In nine segments and probably inspired, in a good way, by Woody Allen's "What You Always Wanted To Know About Sex" which was released a year earlier.
The Damned: Don't You Wish That We Were Dead (2015)
Nomen est omen
This documentary brought The Damned out of obscurity for me. A band with an incredible history of Top of the Pops appearances, the first UK punk single, chart hits, solo successes, launching Lemmy Kilmister and the bassist of Culture Club just on a side note. Despite being ahead of their time and repeatedly making it into the charts, their nomen seems to have been their omen, ultimately splitting the band into two warring factions.
The Female Animal (1958)
It is said that when a woman fights for a man, she does so with dialogue and fiery looks
How did they ever get that past the Production Code? An ageing alcoholic actress picks up a toy boy, who is then seduced by her alcoholic precocious daughter. There are so many powerful, but deeply unhappy, women here that you could pave a road to Rome with them, and wittier dialogue in a single scene than in the entire Holy Bible. Really, it's a must-see if you enjoy sharp dialogue as much as I do.
I'm certain that Tarantino borrowed the "stuntman housekeeper" concept for "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood".