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Stonehenge Apocalypse (2010)
NCIS Bellbottoms
As the title indicates, the Earth is in peril due to some volcanic and/or seismic activity, at some historically significant places around the world. As this was a made-for-TV film with all of the expected shortcomings, I skipped through it. But one part caught my attention. A conspiracy-theorist radio host has been discussing this exact topic, on his show. The government powers-that-be are interested in this guy's take on the whole thing; so they ARREST him! It looked like the government had a whole line of people handcuffed, and sitting in an elementary school hall. While still in handcuffs, the radio host is led by a military type in a red beret, into the school gym. A woman wearing big bellbottoms, possibly stolen from Farrah Fawcet, questions this guy like he's a suspect! The radio host remains both cooperative and stoic, through this whole demeaning process; saying things like, "The radio-magnetic interspatial fields are corrugating in unalluvial radiuses." The NCIS type interrogator continues to question him, asking questions in a condescending way. She says, "We're interested in the triangles on your map," as if she were saying, "So if you didn't murder the victim, why were you in her room with a gun?" The funny part was, I didn't think the government would never do that; but that they MIGHT!
Remember (2012)
China's One Child Policy
This is a very controversial film, with premises which will make some people extremely uncomfortable. It does not seek to merely entertain, but rather, to provoke thought; and indeed, some controversy, and discussion. I will no doubt get mostly down votes for this review, because of my rating. I rated it highly, because it does indeed bring forth controversial subjects, and is not just common entertainment. And this film is not without historical precedent. From 1980, until 2015, the government of China believed its population growth was out of control. They instituted a one child policy. Until 2021, they had a two-child policy. The film admittedly has many, many plot holes. But it brings forth food for thought, which should be appreciated, rather than shunned. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site.
American Samurai (2023)
All the Ingredients
I rate movies based on my enjoyment of them; and not according to a standard which may be utilized by a professional critic. And this ultra low-budget, female action sci-fi, has all the ingredients. Firstly, and most importantly, it should have a beautiful woman. And this beautiful woman should be able to display an acceptable level of fighting ability. The fights should be at least marginally plausible, and should maintain a non-cringe, or non-laughable level of excitement. A plot is optional; so the minimal plot in this film was sufficient for me. As stated in the synopsis, here on IMDB, somehow the Earth has entered the requisite era of dystopia, and people are trying to gain a place off-world, on some kind of space station. The fact that the environment seems fine, and is not in any state of peril at all, is immaterial. People seem to believe it is nicer above. As I said, the plot is pretty minimal. But the costumes are great, and the story is fun. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site.
The Stratum (2023)
A "Sound" Low-Budget, Sci-Fi
I rate movies not on the perceived "quality", as maybe a professional critic may. I rate them on my own personal enjoyment. And this one was surprisingly fun! At the risk of gaining a bunch of "unhelpful" spitwads, I don't really want to give a detailed rundown of the action. But I will give my own synopsis. It is the future, and mankind has ruined the environment totally. It is so bad, that people cannot breathe, without a gasmask looking device. Those who are infected with the lethal poison, are prohibited from interacting with the uninfected. Above the Earth in a space-station, live the man who COULD repair the situation, but won't; and his idealistic daughter, who can. A hacker/attacker who is tasked with infiltrating the space-station's system. He and the daughter spark a Romeo and Juliet romance. The only problem is sometimes the sound is bad. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site.
Roadkill (2024)
I'm Not Quite Sure What I Wanted, But it Wasn't This
It gets four stars, because the first hour or so was great! The characters all carried a sense of mystery, and the whole premise just drew me in. It was more nuanced than the ham-fisted, and hammy Rob Zombie films of this ilk. There was some surprising humor sprinkled in; such as the African American family standing statue still by their car, as the sheriff investigates the dead couple in the Mercury Cougar. Yes, classic cars abound in this film, which also lends a Rob Zombie retro feel to this mystery, set in the old South. Then it takes a nose-dive. There were unresolved issues.
SPOILERS!! So, did the sheriff kill innocent people in that town? The Keanu Reeves looking guy asked the sheriff if those were his victims, and he seems to say some of them were. Okay, the corrupt Southern sheriff is a typical theme. But this isn't the resolution of the film. I won't go into detail about the conclusion, but it wasn't the Bonnie and Clyde kinda thing I was expecting. Rather, it seemed like an over-the-top, slapstick comedy; and not the almost-serious drama I expected. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site.
Royal Kill (2009)
The Great Melting Pot
This movie began as a simple martial arts film, with a simple plot. A guy who looks like the original Tony from West Side Story, must go to the USA to protect the princess; who is the heir to the throne of his land. The land from which these people come, is a fictitious country in the Himalayas, which is being invaded by an equally fictitious "empire". So, immediately, our suspension of disbelief is being stretched, for a rather prosaic plot. That is, unless the "empire" is meant to be the big country near there.
The hero does indeed defeat the beautiful female assassin; and it would seem the mission has been duly accomplished. At this point, the film was acceptable as a run-of-the-mill hero vs villain movie. But I noticed that there was still plenty of run-time left for the film. It seemed that all the needs had been fulfilled. What could happen next? SPOILER: at this point, the film switched to some kind of horror. The dead assassin, and the hero meld into one being. Our erstwhile likable hero turns into the assassin, and brutally murders the princess in a very ugly scene. I stopped caring what happened after that. But I sped through, anyways. After Tony from West Side Story wanders around by some Persian rugs... for about 15 minutes, Pat Morita tells him to be good. The Royal Maid turns into an overweight American woman, and the princess becomes someone who looks like they won the 4H prize for raising some farm animal. See? Instead of being dead, they just turned into someone from Heartland USA. Assimilation of migrants into Americans, was once called the Great Melting Pot. I liked them better before. Seen on Tubi, which has some much better stuff.
Action team overlord flower (2022)
Word Salad in a Grindhouse
Back in the mid-1980's, I lived in San Diego. Back there, back then, we had many grindhouse theaters. We also had many Vietnamese refugees. Kung Fu films were at the height of their popularity, at that time. So, we saw lots of Chinese kung fu films. Because we had a large population of Vietnamese, some of them actually leased one of the old grindhouse movie theaters. This film, which is shown on Tubi as Operation Kick Ass, is very similar to the films of that era. Some of the films were dubbed into English. But the Vietnamese grindhouse had subbed films; with the subtitles being in at least three languages, other than the soundtrack of the film. And yeah, some of the English subtitles were pure word salad; with some of the words being not words at all. This post-grindhouse era flick is still pure grindhouse style; with all the required elements. The girls are beautiful. The action is plentiful, if implausible, and the subtitles are word salad.
Hyde (2021)
Silly and Cheap
This movie is silly and cheap. The girl is pretty, but the action is unconvincing; and her character is less than a stereotype. The film is a poor rehash of the sad 1979 film, The Warriors. It also borrows heavily from every Purge offering, every Road Warrior remake, every Joker incarnation, all of the Harley Quinn appearances, and every female revenge film; such as Ms 45, and the vastly overrated, Point of No Return. The later seasons of The Walking Dead suffered from this fatal disease; which became a procession of colorfully, and identically costumed gangs assaulting our band of heroes. The middle-aged gang members in Hyde's gang are less than convincing, as well. Altogether, this film was made for free streaming platforms, such as Tubi. It is not the best movie on Tubi, or even close to it.
Safehouse (2023)
It's a Twenty-first Century Western!
I gave it ten stars, because it completely entertained me! Now, these reviews are required to be very, very long. And, I really don't want to give away the secrets which the film will reveal, as you watch it. I will say this, most low budgets are terrible. Most low budget movies have too many close-ups, too much unnecessary babbling, and not enough satisfying action. Locations or sets cost money. Low budgets don't have money. And some of these "Tubi Originals" are guilty of all of the above. Including bad acting, to go with the lack of real action. This finely done film avoids all of those shortcomings. The acting is done well. The scenery is fascinating! The action was believable, but also tensely exciting. And like any good Western film, a moral lesson is included; where virtue is rewarded, and evil is punished. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site; which also has live TV.
Glass Jaw (2018)
Movie Movie
In 1978, George C. Scott made a film called, "Movie Movie". It satirized three popular film genres of the 1930's. So, I saw Movie Movie back in the late 1980's, on broadcast TV. I don't remember the World War One Snoopy vs. The Red Baron part. And I don't remember the Broadway play part. But I do remember the boxing part. Although an intentional satire, it was less cliched and less corny than Glass Jaw. Glass Jaw made me cringe. I looked away. On YouTube, you can speed up the film to play at up to double the regular speed. So I did. I watched a boxing match, which was terribly choreographed. Maybe a good film for kids. Underdog wins. He finds redemption, and gets back everything he lost. A feel good film, but not a particularly good one. Seen on YouTube.
Robot Wars (2016)
Run and Gun Shooter Video Game
A run and gun shooter point of view video game, with little to say. The whole thing has a "Cloverfield", found-video format.
The beginning is chaotic, shaky, nebulous, confused; and confusing, with bad sound. The sound does get better; as does the film, with some of the characters establishing various personalities, and personal alliances. The action is somewhat compelling, even if the stunts are poorly presented. The plot provides copious material for a full and satisfying story; but instead, goes nowhere.
Okay, these reviews have to be 600 characters, but there really isn't much more to say. The girls were pretty. There was plenty of potential here for a great film. Instead, it was more like a short film, made to showcase some movie-maker's skill, without presenting a full feature film. But... it WAS a full feature film. Thus, three stars. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site, which has better movies, and live TV.
The Culling (2015)
Surprised by all the Low Ratings
As the title says, I'm surprised by all of the low ratings. It was an indie film, true. And as is usually the case, it was low budget. But the special effects were very competently done. So, whatever budget the filmmaker had to work with, was very efficiently spent. I thought the film would be totally predictable. And yes, mostly it was. I effectively picked who would be the sole survivor. And I knew the terror/villain thing would not be destroyed, or even completely escaped. But there were twists that I had not predicted, which actually squeezed a little adrenaline out of me. Concerning the many extras, well, they are not ever explained. They appear, but there is very little story-telling about them, other than to just show up and look scary. But you know, if a horror film were real, would you know what was going on? Wouldn't we only see horrible things, creatures, and situations? And even if we'd watched every kind of horror movie, how would we know that our lamentable situation would follow any of them? Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site, which also has live TV.
Hideout (2021)
What's Going On Here
Kind of a Rob Zombie feel to this film. A liquor store robbery goes bad. One of the robbers is shot. The trio decide to invade a home, to secure some kind of hideout, and possibly save their friend. The home is occupied by two women. Lots of what's going on here kind of confusion; with no real interest grabbers. And yes, real robbers probably would have shot the women, or at least bound them. But no, they don't, and eventually the voodoo women win. There's not a lot left to say about this slow moving freight train filled with nothing. It was kind of sad, how desperate the filmmakers were to put this on screen, with very little to say. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site, which now has live TV.
The Reliant (2019)
Shoot Everyone Because
So, the economy supposedly collapses. And understandably, there are protests, even in the small town of this film. And understandably, the rioters go to the gun store as their first stop. Then, they start attacking random people in the street, including our protagonists, who seem to be a confused and confusing bunch. Then, the rioters follow the random protagonists to their home, and exchange gunfire. To me, this is a little too desperate for day one of the crisis. It would take a while for the armed bands of thugs to begin going door to door. And then, I think they would avoid homes which seem to be guarded by more than one shooter. They would probably choose a softer target. They were talking about starving just days into the crisis. Now maybe the SHTF apocalypse would be just this chaotic. But the whole gun crazy mess was trying my patience. If survival is the goal, why would anyone go to a home to meet gunfire, and to-the-death knife fights? Maybe they have a can of beans in there? A bag of rice? Or nothing at all. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site, which has many straight to video films, and also, live TV.
A Perfect Vacation (2015)
Macy's Day Parade
Too many close-ups! I felt like I was watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade of those giant balloons; with all the big, big faces filling the screen. The film was also predictable in its action; interspersed some corny, emotion-filled death scenes. But the lead actress is very beautiful, and even did at least some of the fighting stunts. She wore a skin-tight costume, which satisfyingly showed off her athletic body, as she almost single-handedly beat up the baddies. I hope to see her again, in similar roles. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site, which has many TV series, movies, and even live TV.
Vratar galaktiki (2020)
Rollerball Meets Immortal Wars in Wakanda
Cosmoball reminded me of the Rollerball, Immortal Wars, and the Black Panther series. I think it is meant to be a family film; and is definitely trying to appeal to children. There are Muppet type characters present, and the kind of silly comedy which children can understand. There is some nudity, which seems antithetical to it being a family film. Maybe the Russians don't think it's a big deal. But the superheroes, and the super heroics were what impressed me. Ever wonder how young female gymnasts are able to do those impossible stunts? Maybe superheroes are sort of real, in a way; even if we never see them doing anything really heroic. No, we watch them play a meaningless game, like Cosmoball. Or is there something more to their efforts, as in the film? Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site, which also has live TV.
Empress Vampire (2019)
Bizarre, Goofy, Bawdy, Unique
I rate movies based on how much I enjoy them, not on their quality; or importance. This movie was unique, clever, and very sexy. It is not an example of greatness - quite the opposite. For example, there was a Christian movie on YouTube, about a high school football player. Since I myself claim to be Christian, then I should have loved the football story, and have been disgusted by this vampire movie. But the football movie was aggressively boring; and this vampire movie was nonstop, total fun. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site, which now has live TV; and even the World Cup! But wait, this review needs "600 characters"! Or maybe 10,000 maniacs.
The Adventures of Maid Marian (2022)
I Won't Lie
I won't lie to you. I love tough girl movies. And that's what this movie is. It is all that it is; but that is enough for me. There are long sequences of Sophie running through the woods, up hills, and everywhere else. She can run all day and keep going. A tough girl movie is nothing without good fight scenes; and Sophie's action scenes are competent enough to be satisfying. Other reviewers mentioned the lack of blood. They are right. There is none. But as long as we're suspending disbelief, it doesn't matter much. Unless it does to you. There are no scenes which reveal how Marian acquired her fighting skills. Nor is there much of a story at all, besides Marian almost single handedly, physically beating the bad guys; and doing ALL of the planning. Yeah, it's THAT kind of movie. And I love it. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site, which also has live TV.
Blade Runner 2049 (2017)
1960's Japanese Television
Long, slow, boring, artsy. Some of the FX were similar to those seen in 1960's Japanese television. This may have been tongue-in-cheek, as was the line from the baddie, "We have ways to make you talk." This same baddie never meets justice. After a long slog, we learn that a minor character, the immunocompromised girl-in-the-bubble, is the special child. So, the stage is indeed set for a part three; all the major characters are still on the stage. And we must learn what special talents this behind the glass girl possesses, other than creating fictitious memories. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site; which has many movies and some live TV.
.357 (2013)
I Almost Didn't...
I almost didn't watch this past the first five minutes. But another unlikely female revenge porn cheapie, turned out to be likable. The background had a Sin City look, and this film was very much in that genre. The girls are beautiful, the martial arts is almost acceptable, and the music is bad. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site; which now has live TV.
Revenge of the Gweilo (2020)
Low Budget Down Under
Beautiful Asian women, and great travelogue style scenery. But this low budget film has long sequences of driving, sitting, etc.; to fill up an hour and a half. It has lots of martial arts; but the scenes looked like white belts learning moves. Maybe worth watching, I guess; but don't expect much. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site; which now has live TV.
Yasmine (2014)
The Most Muslims and Three Things
Three things made this movie important for me. The female lead was great, in this earnest coming-of-age film. The martial arts performances were instructive, and impressive. But what made this film important was the cultural aspect. It is an Indonesian film, and the film describes life in Indonesia. Did you know that Indonesia has the MOST Muslims of any country in the world? The percentage of the people there, who are Muslim, is only 86.7%. It is less than the Muslim countries of the Mideast. But Indonesia has 231 MILLION Muslims! This fine film depicts that reality, which some other Indonesian films avoid. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site; which has many foreign films; and now, live TV.
The Way (2021)
Dream Scenes and/or Hallucinations
Okay acting. Average action/martial arts. The storyline was scatter-brained. There were decent characters; but the progress of the action was only confusing. Did the "Chi" make the dream scene, hallucinatory stuff happen? The film did provide an insight into the minds of the insane; both those in prison, and those homelessly wandering the streets of our cities. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site; which has many odd films, TV series, and even some live TV.
Terminal (2018)
Boring Pretentious Fluff
Whoever made this neo neon retro movie, was impressed by Pulp Fiction. The tongue-in-cheek attempts at cheeky humor are annoying. Tries to be surreal, but seems more contrived. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site; which now has live TV.
After the Pandemic (2022)
Special Interest Love Affair Movie
This film was made as a fantasy for the special interest community. It is a same gender love movie, using the post-apocalyptic virus world as a backdrop. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site; which also has live TV.