Reviews
Hold On! (1966)
unbelievable
This film is not to be missed, because it is surely a candidate for the worst film of all time. It has the look and feel of the Batman TV series, but is nowhere near as interesting or funny.
The humour is purile at best and the music defies belief. And I like 60's music. After watching this turkey, EVERY modern film looks like Citizen Kane.
If the budget for this film was more than $100, I want to know what they blew it all on.
Fanny Hill (2000)
Take a look
I'm very surprised this film hasn't been noticed more. It's quite an entertaining erotic story, with excellent production values and wonderful English locations. It's a curiousity in that it features absolutely no dialogue, with the entire storyline being narrated by "Fanny" herself in a slight Northern English accent.
The writing is often quite amusing, with highly descriptive depictions of what's going on in, both in front of you and in Fanny's mind.
And what's going on in front of you is mostly Cheryl Dempsey removing her clothes to show her perfect and natural body. The standard rags to riches plot provides many opportunities for Fanny to bed her way up the social ladder.
For many of the cast, this film seems to be their only cinematic effort, but I'm surprised Ms Dempsey hasn't been snapped up for something else. Maybe she has no voice. Or perhaps everyone used pseudonyms for this unusual effort.
The sex scenes are pretty tame by much of today's standards, but there is nudity aplenty for those interested in this sort of thing.
Up 'n' Under (1998)
Atrocious
This film is hilarious -because its so bad, not because its funny.
It has a brilliant cast, but it is still amazingly predictable and juvenile. POSSIBLE SPOILERS. The plot is ridden with holes eg how do a really poor pub rugby 7's team who have never played before get a bye to the FINAL of a competition? The final rugby scenes are incredibly tedious, you can guess everything that happens now if you try. There is one good joke when the shapely & feminine Samantha Janus is lying injured, being attended to by the trainer, and the rather shortsighted referee says "we'd better get him off, then".
Apart from the this, seeing Ms Janus nude in the shower is about as good as it gets, but remember she is a rugby player not a slim petite model.
Secrets of a Chambermaid (2000)
Amy is the star
This well made and well acted piece of erotic nonsense is ultimately a little disappointing, although it features the gorgeous Amy Lindsay and Anneliza Scott. You get to have a good look at this sexy pairs bodies, but the scene between them doesnt go as far as you would like, despite a very promising build up.
But Amy Lindsay is incredibly beautiful and this film is worth the rental for her alone.
The film is absorbing for a while, but when you realise the plot is completely non-existent, you will find yourself fast forwarding to Amy's next scene.
With a bit of thought this could have been very very good.
Forbidden Sins (1999)
Some pleasurable moments
Check out Amy Lindsay for her erotic performance in this otherwise forgettable film. She is fresh faced and innocent looking and its a great pleasure to see her disrobe on several occasions.
As for Shannon Tweed, well she looks like a turkey that was plucked years ago and how she gets parts in so many films is beyond me.
But if you get to see an uncut version of this film you should not be totally disappointed.
Twin Town (1997)
Not for the sensitive
I guess this is quite a good film which will attract a certain 'cult' following. It is well worked and quite funny in places, but overall I have to say I didn't like it.
I found the excessive depiction of drugs,poverty, senseless crime, corruption, moronic behaviour, prostitution and violence quite depressing. And I am no prude believe me. Some people will be quite horrified I'm sure.
Maybe it upset my 'middle class' values, but it scared me. If Swansea is remotely like this, then the Welsh Tourist Board will not be very happy with this film. I certainly wouldn't go anywhere near the place after watching it.
Looking back on the film at the end, I have to ask what the point of it is. Is it shocking for the sake of being shocking? Is it supposed to show some of us more innocent folk the darker side of life? Or does it depict a fantasy world and take every excuse to make sick jokes?
You have to say the film is different.
The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea (1976)
dont rush
After seeing this film, its hard to know which is worse - Kris Kristofferson's singing or his acting. Thankfully he doesnt sing in this film.
Very slow and very boring, and I couldn't understand what it was all supposed to be telling me anyway.
Leave it alone unless you are really curious.
Rock Follies (1976)
classic 70's pop serial
This was an enjoyable series with a musical storyline. It featured the trials of an aspiring all girl band, with entertaining and still memorable songs.
Julie Covington could sing, and had a huge number 1 hit soon after the show ("Don't cry for me Argentina"). Charlotte Cornwell could barely sing, but Rula Lenska could barely sing or talk.
I'm surprised this hasn't developed more of a cult following.
Whatever happened to Julie Covington, she seemed to dissappear completely?!
Contes immoraux (1973)
quite boring
Overall, this film is quite boring. There are 4 unlinked segments, with only the third likely to keep you awake.
This is the familiar tale of Countess Elisabeth Bathory. Bathory is a historical character who apparently used to favour blood taken from naked virgins.This scenario is an exploitationers delight, and we get to see room loads of young girls running round in the buff.
But even so, this story seems to head nowhere, and much is left to your imagination.
The Camomile Lawn (1992)
opens your eyes
Jennifer Ehle is certainly attractive and shows a lot more in this epic than in her later Jane Austen roles. But for an example of dark and sultry pouting look no further than Tara Fitzgerald. This production also features everyones 1970's favourite pin-up Felicty Kendal, but she's playing an old woman here folks!
The Rainbow (1988)
take a peek
Much more compulsive viewing that Ken Russell's film version which came out shortly afterwards. Imogen Stubbs makes a name for herself with a notable display of sexual tension. Shame she's never demonstrated the same features since. Russells version was limp by comparison despite Sammi Davis' best efforts.
Young Lady Chatterley II (1985)
go batman
This film is not quite a remake of Young Lady Chatterely, but several of the scenes are reprised,with a new cast. But Harlee McBride remains from the original film (in the title role)and is still attractive even if slightly more modest in this version.
The film loses all credibility when we see Adam West (of Batman fame) try to get his leg over. We all have to work, but did it really come down to this,Adam? Thankfully, we are spared seeing Robin losing his virginity but instead see some horrid kid called Virgil disrobe McBride.
A curiosity if nothing else.
Confessions of a Pop Performer (1975)
has its moments
I might agree that this is the best of the "Confessions" series, but I can't agree that its at all funny. There are long stretches of inane and completely boring 'plot' scenes. But by the end of the film some decent opportunities for 'kit-off' have been exploited, which at least makes it memorable. Not likely to feature in the top 100 films.
Vampyres (1974)
interesting
I rented this film back in the early eighties and its well worth seeing if you get a chance.Possibly a classic of its genre and certainly for cult viewing. Distinctly memorable for a dark haired girl with very prominent breasts. Search for the video now.
The Perfect Storm (2000)
mostly a yawn
Well I can imagine that a load of people under the age of 15 would quite like this film.
But for any discerning adults it has little to offer. It purports to be based on a true story (SPOILERS COMING) but as all the people in the boat died all those sequences must be pure conjecture.
It starts off in typical disaster movement style, gradually introducing the characters, but there is really little time or opportunity to empathise with any individuals.
Its quite engrossing at the start, but then you realise that the characterizations are pretty wooden. The storm sequences are of course very dramatic but after a while its one long yawn. (MORE SPOILERS) Once the helicopter comes down, it becomes extremely tedious, with wave after wave hitting the boat, lots of shouting of 'watch out' or 'do something'.
It certainly makes you aware of the nightmare of a being a fisherman, particularly in this area where so many have died over the years.
The whole experience reminded me of watching a moderate TV movie on a sunday afternoon half asleep. This is surely the destiny for this film.
I should imagine that the book is much more interesting.
The Royle Family (1998)
Classic sit-com from Liverpool
I love this! Don't expect action because it's almost totally absent in this situation comedy about a working class family. Watching the television, smoking and making tea ('a brew') is about all they do. Oh, and occasionally the banjo comes out!
But the characters are very well drawn. Ricky Tomlinson makes the whole show as the father, and has most of the one-liners, whereas the other peoples comments are mostly funny because of their stupidity.
They are a family totally devoid of 'class' but they are lovable and down to earth. Some people will totally miss this and not find it funny at all. But others will find it one of the all time classics, and watch all the videos time and time again.
If you haven't seen it, watch it from the start of the first series so you can get to know the characters.
The Ups and Downs of a Handyman (1975)
Laughingly bad!
Very bad sex British sex comedy from the 1970's. The film has reasonable amounts of nudity, but it is most remarkable for the truly appalling attempts at comedy. Did people find this sort of thing funny then? Or would they not show films in the cinema if they were just 90 minutes of nudity? But worst of all is the films title song - it must rank as one of the worst of any film, any time.
La liceale (1975)
Yeah,but...
I agree that this is a boring film, redeemed by Gloria getting her kit off quite a few times. Also, not to be missed by connoissuers of bad hair cuts. I can't believe people actually walked around like this. Also notable for one of the first appearances of Ilona Staller, notorious as an Italian member of parliament.
Perfect Timing (1986)
Give it a try!
This film is a real curiosity. You will without doubt either love it or loathe it. It is essentially a rather pathetic comedy that provides an excuse to parade some naked ladies. But some of the ladies in question are superb eye candy, including Michelle Scarabelli of Airwolf fame. The comedy is often so bad that you will be laughing at it rather than with it, but if you have the right attitude you will have a hugely enjoyable time. One of the characters is a lead singer with a `band` who sing some truly awful songs. This one will not win any oscars but might provide some light entertainment to undemanding customers.
Volcano (1997)
Hum... not the best
I saw the trailer for this film before watching Titanic, and I must admit that it whetted my appetite. Volcano seemed to be quite spectacular and full of promise. But what a damp squib. Corny is not the word for the script, and the characterizations are often ludicrous. The stupid daughter is just beyond belief - she is supposed to be 13 not 4. But then the scientists,firemen and peripheral characters don't offer any more. This movie ranks just in front of Cruise II and Twister, but only because those 2 films are completely appalling. This does have some reasonable effects, but overall its a 1 out of 10. Don't waste your time
Twister (1996)
Not many twists in the plot
When I was a kid aged between 5 and 9, we used to go to Saturday morning pictures at the local Odeon. There we lapped up a diet of cartoons and b-movies and loved every minute of it. Now I dare say that I'd have enjoyed this film if it had been shown when I was that age. But I cannot believe that anyone over 11 years old could possibly think this film has anything to offer. If I hadn't have had the misfortune to also see Cruise II recently, then Twister would have to rank as the worst big budget picture ever. One of the other commentators says that the acting & dialogue in this movie is very good - are they serious?????????? This film is devoid of any 'plot' that deserves the name. Don't waste your time unless you want to keep the kids occupied for a couple of hours.
Lifeforce (1985)
Still breathing
Has it's moments, but at the end of the day the only thing that is memorable is Mathilda posing around in the buff for quite a while. Can while away an hour or two if you take it out on video, but don't expect Citizen Kane
Flesh+Blood (1985)
A curiosity
For the most part, this is quite a realistic movie,apparently set in early medieval times. However, it does have some fantastic features, such as a telescopic wooden castle storming device,which mostly detract from the overall effect of the film. If you are into the historic flashing blade & violence genre, then this is one not to miss. Also, if you are into the Jennifer Jason Leigh jumping nude into a bath-tub genre, similarly check out your local video store.
Man of Flowers (1983)
Hugely enjoyable
A terrifically watchable film, so different from Hollywood style movies that stick to a set pattern. Funny, riveting and erotic in parts, this is a true classic that deserves wider recognition. Alyson Best's strip must be the best opening scene in any film!
Les lèvres rouges (1971)
Not to be missed
If you like arty & obscure European films, then you'll find plenty to interest you in this rather erotic effort. Andrea Rau scores ten out of ten herself.