- Happy Hogan: You take care of the suit. I'll take care of the music.
- ['Back in Black' by AC/DC plays]
- Peter Parker: Oh, I love Led Zeppelin!
- Nick Fury: We have a job to do, and you're coming with us.
- Peter Parker: There's gotta be someone else you can use. What about Thor?
- Nick Fury: Off-world.
- Peter Parker: Doctor Strange
- Maria Hill: Unavailable.
- Peter Parker: Captain Marvel.
- Nick Fury: Don't you invoke her name!
- Peter Parker: I'm just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.
- Nick Fury: Bitch, please! You've been to space.
- Peter Parker: Everywhere I go, I see his face. I just really miss him.
- Happy Hogan: Yeah, I miss him too. I don't think Tony would've done what he did, if he didn't know you were gonna be here after he was gone.
- Flash Thompson: [about Mysterio] He's all right. He's no Spider-Man.
- MJ: What is it with you and Spider-Man?
- Flash Thompson: What? He's just awesome, okay? He protects the neighborhood and, you know, he's inspiring. He's inspires me to be a better man.
- [Peter walks into the room]
- Flash Thompson: What's up, dickwad? I thought you drowned.
- Peter Parker: How could you do all of this?
- Quentin Beck: You'll see, Peter. People... need to believe. And nowadays, they'll believe anything.
- Peter Parker: MJ, I...
- MJ: ...am Spider-Man?
- Peter Parker: No. Of course not!
- MJ: I mean it's... kind of obvious.
- Happy Hogan: Heads-up. Nick Fury's calling you.
- [Peter notices his phone ringing]
- Peter Parker: I don't really wanna talk to Nick Fury.
- Happy Hogan: Answer the phone.
- Peter Parker: Why?
- Happy Hogan: Because if you don't talk to him, I have to talk to him. I don't want to talk to him.
- [Peter declines Fury's call]
- Happy Hogan: You sent Nick Fury to voicemail?
- Peter Parker: I gotta go.
- Happy Hogan: You do not ghost Nick Fury!
- [mid-credit scene]
- Pat Kiernan: We come to you now with revelations about last week's attack in London. An anonymous source provided this video, it shows Quentin Beck, aka, Mysterio, moments before his death. A warning: You may find this video disturbing.
- Mysterio: I managed to send the Elemental back into the dimensional rift but I don't think I'm gonna make it off this bridge alive. Spider-Man attacked me for some reason. He has an army of weaponized drones, Stark technology. He's saying he's the only one who's gonna be the new Iron Man, no one else.
- [cut to altered footage of the Tower Bridge battle]
- E.D.I.T.H.: Are you sure you want to commence the drone attack? There'll be significant causalities.
- Spider-Man: Do it. Execute them all.
- Pat Kiernan: This shocking video was released earlier today on the controversial news website 'thedailybugle.net.'
- J. Jonah Jameson: There you have it folks: conclusive proof that Spider-Man was responsible for the brutal murder of Mysterio! An interdimensional warrior who gave his life to protect our planet, and who will no doubt, go down in history as the greatest superhero of all time! But that's not all folks, here's the real blockbuster. Brace yourselves, you might wanna sit down.
- Mysterio: Spider-Man's real... Spider-Man's real name is - Spider-Man's name is Peter Parker!
- [cut back to a mortified Spider-Man in NYC]
- Spider-Man: What the fu - !
- Happy Hogan: I gotta get you guys out of here! Get on the jet!
- MJ: Who are you?
- Happy Hogan: I work with Spider-Man!
- Flash Thompson: You work for Spider-Man?
- Happy Hogan: I work *with* Spider-Man, not *for* Spider-Man!
- [jet is suddenly destroyed]
- Happy Hogan: New plan!
- Peter Parker: What's your password?
- Happy Hogan: Password.
- Peter Parker: No, what is your password?
- Happy Hogan: Password. The word spelled out.
- Peter Parker: You're head of security and your password is "password"?
- Happy Hogan: I don't feel good about it either.
- Happy Hogan: [after throwing a shield like Captain America at a drone but misses badly] How does Cap do that?
- Nick Fury: Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. Stark said you wouldn't get that because it's not a Star Wars reference.
- [deleted scene]
- Police Officer: You're going to be the next Iron Man now?
- Spider-Man: Well, no, I don't have time. I'm too busy doing your job.
- Spider-Man: I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Look, you're gonna have to do your job for a couple weeks, okay? Because *I* am going on vacation.
- Nick Fury: And this is Mr. Beck.
- Peter Parker: Mysterio?
- Quentin Beck: What?
- Peter Parker: Doesn't matter. It's what my friends have been calling you.
- Quentin Beck: Well, you can call me Quentin. You handled yourself well out there today. I saw that you did with the tower. We could use someone like you on my world.
- Peter Parker: Thanks. I'm sorry. Your world?
- Nick Fury: Mr. Beck is from Earth. Just not yours.
- Quentin Beck: There are multiple realities. This is Earth Dimension 616. I'm from Earth 833.
- Peter Parker: [excitedly] I'm sorry, you're saying there's a multiverse? 'Cause I thought that was theoretical. That changes how we understand the initial singularity. We're talking about an eternal inflation system. How does that even work with the quantum...? It's insane.
- [Fury and Hill look strangely at Peter]
- Peter Parker: [embarrassed] Sorry.
- Quentin Beck: [humorously] Don't ever apologize for being the smartest one in the room.
- Mysterio: Fury asked me to check you were OK.
- Peter Parker: That was nice.
- Mysterio: You do have sarcasm on this world, don't you?
- [first lines]
- Maria Hill: Nick, this was a tragedy, but it's not why we're here. What are we fighting the weather now?
- Nick Fury: Locals say the cyclone had a face.
- Maria Hill: People see things when they're under stress.
- Peter Parker: Happy, is that you?
- Happy Hogan: Is it me? Yeah, of course it's me!
- Peter Parker: Stop! Tell me something only you would know!
- Happy Hogan: Only I would know... Uh... Remember when we went to Germany? You pay-per-viewed a video in your room? They didn't list the titles but I could tell by the price that it was an adult film at the front desk, and you didn't know how I knew...
- Peter Parker: Ok ok! Stop!
- Nick Fury: Beck! What's your four?
- Quentin Beck: Hey William, I need a response!
- William Ginter Riva: It's all the elementals they've all merged into something...
- Quentin Beck: It's something else! Something more powerful! It's storing energy from the earth's core!
- Nick Fury: [to Maria] See now that's some bullshit.
- May Parker: Hungry?
- [May throws a banana at Peter and hits him in the face]
- May Parker: You can dodge bullets but not bananas?
- May Parker: I thought that you could sense that with your Peter-Tingle.
- Peter Parker: Please stop saying "Tingle", May.
- MJ: You know, Susan Yang thinks you're a male escort.
- Peter Parker: What? No! Of course I'm not a male escort.
- MJ: Well then you're Spider-Man.
- Mysterio: You are just a scared little kid in a sweatsuit. I created Mysterio to give the world someone to believe in. I control the truth; Mysterio *is* the truth!
- Mr. Harrington: Did I tell you how my wife pretended to blip out? Turns out she ran off with a guy in her hiking group. We had a fake funeral for her and everything... Well the funeral was real. 'Cause we thought she was really dead.
- Betty Brant: I would totally kiss you but I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
- Ned Leeds: I- I might have a mint.
- Flash Thompson: I post stupid videos daily for people to like me.
- Happy Hogan: Hey, if it wasn't for those stupid videos, Spider-Man would have never found you.
- Flash Thompson: Spider-Man...? Spider-Man follows me? I saved us, guys!
- MJ: If you saved us, why are we about to die?
- MJ: Want to go in, on a pair?
- Peter Parker: You mean like sit next to each other?
- MJ: Yeah.
- Nick Fury: [in Peter's earpiece] Parker, you in position?
- Peter Parker: No...
- MJ: [Thinks Peter is rejecting her] Okay... no?
- Nick Fury: [In Peter's Earpiece] Why the hell not?
- Mr. Dell: Earth, wind, fire, water. Oh, no. They joined forces like the Power Rangers.
- Mr. Harrington: You're thinking of Voltron.
- Mr. Dell: Who?
- Mr. Harrington: Voltron! You're thinking of Voltron!
- Flash Thompson: Yo, Parker! This is called an airplane. It's like the buses you're used to, except that it flies over the poor neighborhoods instead of driving through them.
- Peter Parker: Go to the Eiffel Tower. Should be great.
- MJ: Yeah, I read it was secretly built as a mind control antenna to create an army of the insane.
- Ned Leeds: [to MJ after she finds out Spider-Man's identity] So, you know too. It's cool. I mean, I've known first and I've known longer but, it's not a competition.
- Happy Hogan: Hey, sorry I'm late.
- May Parker: Happy! Hey.
- Happy Hogan: Oh, you look lovely.
- May Parker: Thank you, you too.
- Happy Hogan: Thank you. New dress?
- May Parker: Uh, yeah. Yes, it is. That's a new beard.
- Happy Hogan: It's my blip beard, because I grew it in a blip. Blip beard.
- May Parker: I see.
- Spider-Man: What just happened?
- Happy Hogan: Nobody could live up to Tony, not even Tony. Tony was my best friend, and he was a mess. He second-guessed everything he did. He was all over the place.
- Mr. Harrington: Just making rounds, seeing if anyone needs any emotional counseling after today's traumatic events.
- Peter Parker: No we're okay. We're- we're fine. Thank you.
- Mr. Harrington: Great. 'Cause, I'm not- I'm not qualified.
- Nick Fury: You got gifts, Parker. But you didn't want to be here. I'd love to have you in Berlin, but you've got to decide whether you're going to step up or not. Stark chose you. He made you an Avenger. I need that. The world needs that. Maybe Stark was wrong. The choice is yours.