Deadpool (2016)

T.J. Miller: Weasel

Photos 

Quotes 

• Wade Wilson : Here's what I'm actually gonna do? I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, and then put a bullet in his skull and fuck the brain hole.

  Weasel : I don't want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think your dead, right?

  Wade Wilson : Yeah.

  Weasel : That's good. You should keep it that way.

  Wade Wilson : What, like, wear a mask?

  Weasel : Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I am sorry... you are haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.

  Wade Wilson : Like a testicle with teeth.

  Weasel : You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally, for others' sake.

• Wade Wilson : Do you like what you see?

  Weasel : No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.

  Wade Wilson : Yeah.

  Weasel : Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.

  Wade Wilson : And the only guy the who fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he's gone. Poof!

  Weasel : Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this because as of now, you only have one course of action.

  Wade Wilson : Damn straight. Find Francis.

  Weasel : Star in horror films.

  Wade Wilson : What?

  Weasel : Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.

• Weasel : [to Deadpool before he heads out on a suicide mission to save Vanessa]  I'd go with you, but... I don't want to.

• Wade Wilson : Here, check it out. She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. I'm sure they're all FDA approved. Chechnya, isn't that where you go to get cancer? You got China and Central Mexico. You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish?

  Weasel : No.

  Wade Wilson : El cancer.

• Deadpool : Listen Al, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the apartment - right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck.

  Weasel : [to Blind Al]  Wanna get fucked up?

• Weasel : [looking for Vanessa]  Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?

  Wade Wilson : [to self]  Fuck me!

  Weasel : Uh, maybe not start with that.

• Wade Wilson : [Looking at a text from Ajax]  What is that?

  Weasel : That's the shit emoji. You know the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.

• Strip Club DJ : Hey. Coming on to our stage right now... give it up for Chastity!

  Weasel : Or as I like to call her... Irony.

• Weasel : Oh, shit.

  Wade Wilson : What?

  Weasel : I put all my money on you and now I just realized I'm never going to win the, uh...

  Wade Wilson : Dead pool.

  [thinks for a moment] 

  Wade Wilson : Captain Deadpool... No, just...

  Weasel , Wade Wilson : Just Deadpool.

  Weasel : To you, Mr. Pool. Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise.

• Ajax : We have everything we need now.

  Weasel : You sure? You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II.

• Weasel : Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you?

  Deadpool : I'd love to get a Blow Job.

  Weasel : Oh, God, me too.

  Deadpool : The drink, moose knuckle, But first...

  Weasel : All right, Kahlua, Bailey's and whipped cream. I give you a Blow Job. Why do you make me make that?

• Deadpool : I've been traveling to exotic places, Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people.

  Weasel : And killing them, I know, I saw your Instagram.

  Weasel : So what was a special operatives doing in Jacksonville?

  Deadpool : That's classified. They have a wonderful TGI Fridays!

• Deadpool : [upon learning Ajax took Vanessa]  I'm gonna need all the guns.

  Weasel : Which ones?

  Deadpool : ALL OF THEM!

• Weasel : [to Wade about Vanessa]  Go get her, tiger.

• Weasel : I would go with you, but... I don't want to.