- [clears throat]
- Kate Beckett: [turns around to face Castle, smiling] Well, guess this is it.
- Richard Castle: Oh, it doesn't have to be. We could, uh, go to dinner, debrief each other.
- Kate Beckett: Why, Castle? So I can be another one of your conquests?
- Richard Castle: Or I can be one of yours.
- Kate Beckett: It was nice to meet you, Castle.
- [extends hand]
- Richard Castle: [looks down and shakes hand] It's too bad. It would have been great.
- Kate Beckett: [bites bottom lip and whispers in Castle's ear] You have no idea.
- [walks away]
- Martha Rodgers: [looks at a man among the guests] Hang on, Sweetie. I just got a hit on my gray-dar.
- [shot zooms in on the man's hand]
- Martha Rodgers: Bingo! No ring. Stand back, kids. Mama's going fishing.
- [Beckett realizes Castle stole documents about the Tisdale and Fisk murders]
- Kate Beckett: Richard Castle, you are under arrest for felony theft and obstruction of justice.
- Richard Castle: You forgot making you look bad.
- Kate Beckett: You know, for a minute there, you actually made me believe that you were human. Cuff him.
- Richard Castle: Ooh. Bondage. My safe word is "apples."
- Kate Beckett: [to the cops cuffing Castle] Oh, there's no need to be gentle.
- Richard Castle: How'd you find me, anyway?
- Kate Beckett: I'm a detective. That's what I do.
- Richard Castle: My mother told you, didn't she?
- Richard Castle: When I was your age... I can't tell that story. It's wildly inappropriate. Which, oddly, is my point. Don't you want to have wildly inappropriate stories that you can't tell your children?
- Richard Castle: My safe word is "Apples."
- [Later, when detective Beckett grabs his nose]
- Richard Castle: Ow! Apples! Apples! Apples!
- [Castle is shown photos of crime scenes modeled after his novels]
- Richard Castle: "Flowers For Your Grave."
- Kate Beckett: And this is how we found Marvin Fisk, right out of "Hell Hath No Fury."
- Richard Castle: Looks like I have a fan.
- Kate Beckett: Yeah, a really deranged fan.
- Richard Castle: Oh, you don't look deranged to me.
- Kate Beckett: [taken aback] What?
- Richard Castle: "Hell Hath No Fury"? Angry Wiccans out for blood? Come on. Only hardcore Castle groupies read that one.
- Alexis Castle: How do you get away with one murder by committing two more?
- Richard Castle: At one death, you look for motive. At two, you look for a connection. At three, you look for someone like Kyle. At three, you don't need motive, because mentally unstable serial killers don't usually have one.
- Kate Beckett: Mr. Castle. You've got quite a rap sheet for a best-selling author. Disorderly conduct, uh, resisting arrest.
- Richard Castle: [shrugs shoulders innocently] Boys will be boys.
- Kate Beckett: [smiles sarcastically] Says here that you stole a police horse.
- Richard Castle: Borrowed.
- Kate Beckett: Ah! And you were nude at the time.
- Richard Castle: It was spring.
- Kate Beckett: [angrily] And every time, the charges were dropped.
- [drops folder on table]
- Richard Castle: What can I say? The mayor is a fan. But if it makes you feel any better, I'd be happy to let you spank me.
- Kate Beckett: Can I ask you a question?
- Richard Castle: [puts down letter and looks eager] Shoot.
- Kate Beckett: Why are you here? You don't care about the victims, so you aren't here for justice. You don't care that the guy's aping your books, so you aren't here 'cause you're outraged. So what is it, Rick? Are you here to annoy me?
- Richard Castle: I'm here for the story.
- Kate Beckett: The story?
- Richard Castle: Why those people? Why those murders?
- Kate Beckett: Sometimes, there is no story. Sometimes, the guy is just a psychopath.
- Richard Castle: [scoffs] There's always a story, always a chain of events that makes everything make sense. Take you, for example. Under normal circumstances, you should not be here. Most smart, good-looking women become lawyers, not cops. And yet here you are. Why?
- Kate Beckett: I don't know, Rick. You're the novelist. You tell me.
- Richard Castle: [as he talks, Beckett silently reacts, going from skeptical/amused to noticable pain in her eyes] Well, you're not bridge-and-tunnel. No trace of the boroughs when you talk. So that means Manhattan. That means money. You went to college, probably a pretty good one. You had options. Yeah, you had lots of options, better options, more socially acceptable options. And you still chose this. That tells me something happened. Not to you. No, you're wounded, but you're not that wounded. No, it was someone you cared about... It was someone you loved... And you probably could have lived with that, but the person responsible was never caught.
- [silence]
- Richard Castle: And that, Detective Beckett, is why you are here.
- [silence]
- Kate Beckett: Cute trick. But don't think you know me.
- Richard Castle: The point is, there's always a story. You just have to find it.
- Kate Beckett: [opens up letter and eyes grow wide] I think I just did.
- [shows Castle letter with a drawing of the crime scene]
- Gina Griffin: What kind of idiot kills off his best-selling main character?
- Richard Castle: Are you asking as my bloodsucking publisher or as my bloodsucking ex-wife?
- Gina Griffin: Oh, is that what you're doing? Punishing me by killing the golden goose?
- Richard Castle: Oh, come on. I may be petty and short-sighted, but I'm not that petty and short-sighted.
- Gina Griffin: Really? Then why?
- Richard Castle: Writing Derrick used to be fun. Now it's like work.
- Gina Griffin: Hmm. God forbid you should work. I mean, you could have retired him. You could have crippled him. You could have had him join the frigging circus. But, no, you *had* to put a bullet through his head.
- Richard Castle: Yeah. Real messy, too. Big exit wound. Don't worry, Derrick Storm is not the golden goose here. I am. I wrote half a dozen bestsellers before him. What makes you think I'm gonna to stop now?
- Gina Griffin: Oh, I don't know. The fact the new book was due nine weeks ago.
- Richard Castle: You can't rush genius.
- Gina Griffin: Genius, Richard? Try blockage. I heard you haven't written in months.
- Richard Castle: That's ridiculous.
- Gina Griffin: My sources are very reliable.
- Richard Castle: Well, they're wrong.
- Gina Griffin: They'd better be. If I don't have a new manuscript on my desk in the next three weeks, Black Pawn is prepared to demand the return of your advance.
- Richard Castle: You wouldn't dare.
- Gina Griffin: Try me. Just try me.
- Richard Castle: You know, I already returned that advance. I spent it divorcing you.
- Richard Castle: [referring to Martha singing with a piano-playing man she brought home from the book launch party as he pulls an earplug out of Alexis's ear] You're missing the late show.
- Alexis Castle: I saw it in previews.
- Richard Castle: Looks like we've a new lead.
- Alexis Castle: His name is Burt. He does magic.
- Richard Castle: Wow.
- Alexis Castle: Yeah.
- Richard Castle: Let's hope he disappears by morning.
- [pause]
- Richard Castle: C'est apres minuit dans une school night.
- ["It is after midnight on a school night" in French]
- Richard Castle: Don't you turn into a pumpkin or something?
- Alexis Castle: Not when your dad's been escorted away by cops. How was the slammer? Anyone make you their bitch?
- Richard Castle: [pause] Sorry, Switchblade. I still belong to you. Baby bird?
- [holds out can of whipped cream]
- Alexis Castle: Already brushed.
- Richard Castle: Your loss.
- [sprays some in his mouth]
- Richard Castle: It's just so senseless.
- Alexis Castle: Murder usually is.
- Richard Castle: Nope. Murder usually makes a great deal of sense. Passion, greed, politics. What's senseless here is the books the killer chose. "Hell Hath No Fury?" "Flowers For Your Grave?" My truly lesser works. Why would a psychotic fan pick those?
- Alexis Castle: Maybe because he's psychotic. Come on. It's bedtime. You can figure it out in the morning.
- Richard Castle: Yeah, and you always come to a complete stop at a red light and you never fudge your taxes. Tell me something. You ever have any fun? You know, let your hair down? Drop your top? A little "Cops Gone Wild?"
- Kate Beckett: You do know I'm wearing a gun?
- Richard Castle: Can I get copies of those?
- Kate Beckett: [confused] Copies?
- Richard Castle: I have this poker game. It's mostly other writers. Patterson, Cannell. You know, best-sellers. You have no idea how jealous these would make them.
- Kate Beckett: Jealous?
- Richard Castle: That I have a copycat. Oh, my gosh, in my world, that's the red badge of honor. That's the criminal Cooperstown.
- Kate Beckett: [slams hands down on table angrily and gets in Castle's face] People are dead, Mr. Castle.
- Richard Castle: [whispers] I'm not asking for the bodies, just the pictures.
- [bites bottom lip]
- Kate Beckett: I think we're done here.
- Kate Beckett: This isn't one of your books, Castle. Out here, we find a guy standing over a body with a gun, he's usually the guy who did it.
- James Patterson: That's it?
- Richard Castle: Yeah. They arrest him.
- James Patterson: That's terrible. No wonder you're blocked.
- Stephen J. Cannell: And here's another thing. The guy doesn't leave his prints at the scene of the crime, but he sends a letter with his prints on it? Well, you lost me there. And what about a twist?
- James Patterson: Where's the twist?
- Stephen J. Cannell: Yeah.
- Richard Castle: Yeah, right? Like, uh... Like maybe somebody set this kid up.
- James Patterson: That's what your story needs, the character who thinks the kid's innocent, keeps digging until he finds the truth.
- Richard Castle: Oh, I have just the guy.
- Javier Esposito: Man's got the mayor on speed-dial. The rich really are different.
- Kate Beckett: You want him? He's yours.
- Javier Esposito: A control freak like you with something you can't control? No, no. That's gonna be more fun than Shark Week.
- Lanie Parish: Even bought her flowers. Who says romance is dead?
- Kate Beckett: [whispering] I do, every Saturday night.
- Lanie Parish: A little lipstick wouldn't hurt.
- [Beckett shoots her a dirty look]
- Lanie Parish: I'm just sayin'...
- Richard Castle: You want to know why I killed Derrick? There were no more surprises. I knew exactly what was gonna happen every moment of every scene. It's just like these parties. They've become so predictable. "I'm your biggest fan." "Where do you get your ideas?"
- Alexis Castle: And the ever popular, "Will you sign my chest?"
- Richard Castle: That one I don't mind so much.
- Alexis Castle: Yeah, well, FYI, I do.
- Richard Castle: Just once, I'd like someone to come up to me and say something new.
- Kate Beckett: [off screen] Mr. Castle?
- Richard Castle: [Castle turns around and pulls out a pen] Where would you like it?
- Kate Beckett: Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD. We need to ask you a few questions about a murder that took place earlier tonight.
- Alexis Castle: That's new.
- [takes Castle's pen]
- Kate Beckett: Mr. Castle, this whole bad boy charm thing that you've got going might work for bimbettes and celebutantes. Me? I work for a living. So that makes you one of two things in my world, either the guy who makes my life easier or the guy who makes my life harder. And trust me, you do not want to be the guy who makes my life harder.
- Kate Beckett: Sir, he is like a nine-year-old on a sugar rush, totally incapable of taking anything seriously.
- James Patterson: Castle, I'm kind of glad that you killed off Storm. Less competition.
- Richard Castle: Hmm.
- James Patterson: That's twenty to you, Cannell.
- Stephen J. Cannell: You're bluffing, Patterson.
- James Patterson: Cough up some of that TV money and you'll find out.
- [Cannell throws a chip into the pot]
- Stephen J. Cannell: Ah, bet's to you, Ricky.
- [Castle doesn't respond]
- Stephen J. Cannell: Castle. Castle.
- Richard Castle: Hmm?
- Stephen J. Cannell: Bet's to you.
- Richard Castle: Oh, sorry.
- James Patterson: I know that look. Story trouble.
- Stephen J. Cannell: You know, you never should have killed off Storm. That was a big mistake. I-I would've retired him. Or crippled him. And the man was money.
- James Patterson: You don't see me putting a bullet through Alex Cross' head.
- Stephen J. Cannell: And my boy Shane Scully's gonna be fueling my private jet long after people have all forgotten about Storm.
- Richard Castle: Oh, you know what? Just for that, I am gonna call.
- James Patterson: So what's the problem, Ricky? Maybe we can help.
- Richard Castle: I'm working on this thing. It starts with a famous author. Some psycho starts staging murders like the way he does in his books.
- Stephen J. Cannell: [laughs] That's pretty self-aggrandizing, isn't it?
- James Patterson: This *is* Castle we're talking about.
- Richard Castle: So, the crime scenes are clean. Doesn't leave any fingerprints, doesn't leave any DNA. But the psycho writes the author a fan letter with his prints all over it. Well, that leads the cops to his apartment, where they find enough evidence to convict him.
- [pause]
- Stephen J. Cannell: And then?
- Richard Castle: That's it.
- [the killer is fending off Beckett by holding a gun to Castle and dragging him away]
- Kate Beckett: Castle, you okay?
- Richard Castle: Yes, except this psycho here needs a breath mint.
- [Castle has managed to rescue himself from the killer]
- Kate Beckett: What the hell were you thinking? You could have gotten yourself killed!
- Richard Castle: [gestures toward the killer's gun] Well, the safety was on the whole time.
- Kate Beckett: [finding Castle at her desk going through papers] What are you doing?
- Richard Castle: It's a novelist's habit, looking through other people's mail, checking their medicine cabinets.
- Kate Beckett: Why are you still here?
- Richard Castle: I just came by to give you this.
- [he hands her a wrapped box]
- Richard Castle: It's a little something to... memorialize our brief partnership.
- [she gives him a look of skepticism]
- Richard Castle: Don't look so suspicious. Go on, open it.
- [just to get it over with, she opens the gift and sees a copy of "Storm Fall"]
- Richard Castle: I got you an advance copy. I even... signed it to you. Not that you're a fan.
- Kate Beckett: Thanks. That's actually kind of... sweet.
- Kate Beckett: Do any of these groupies ever write you letters?
- [Castle nods]
- Kate Beckett: Disturbing letters?
- Richard Castle: Oh, all my fan mail's disturbing. It's an occupational hazard.
- Kate Beckett: Because sometimes, in cases like this, we find that the...
- Kate Beckett, Richard Castle: ...killer attempts to...
- Richard Castle: ...contact the subject of his obsession. I'm also pretty well-versed in psychopathic methodologies. Another occupational hazard. And do you know you have gorgeous eyes?
- Richard Castle: Something wrong?
- Kate Beckett: This is a homicide investigation, not a day at Disneyland. If I give you an order, I expect you to obey it.
- Richard Castle: Then you don't know me very well.
- [first lines]
- Gina Griffin: Murder... mystery... the macabre. What is it about a hard-boiled detective, a femme fatale and the cold steel of a gun that keeps our bedside lamps burning into the wee hours of the morning?
- [last lines]
- Kate Beckett: How long, sir?
- Captain Roy Montgomery: Well, that's up to him.
- [Beckett turns to find a smiling Castle in the doorway]
- Alexis Castle: If I'm gonna have to keep bailing you out, you're going to have to raise my allowance... a lot.