- Soldier: [Soldier is talking to a line of people wearing helmets] "If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!" Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that nobody could best him in the ring of honor. Then he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth. And then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo!
- [Camera angle changes to reveal the 'people' he is talking to are all the heads of his decapitated victims, lined up on a fence. One of the heads falls onto the ground]
- Soldier: [to the fallen head] ... Unless it's a farm!
- Demoman: So! T'all you fine dandies, so proud, so cocksure, prancin' about with your heads full of eyeballs... come and get me, I say! I'll be waitin' on you with a whiff of the old brimstone! I'm a grim bloody fable with an unhappy bloody end!
- Ap-Sap: [as a device the Spy can hold to sap energy from Engineer buildings, the Ap-Sap is always with the Spy, and if fired upon while out, he responds] Is that gunfire? Is - is someone shooting? Oh my God, they're shooting at us! They're shooting at us! Don't panic, but they are shooting at us. Are these - are these live? Do I actually hear shooting? Is this live rounds? Is it live ammunition? Okay, I definitely heard a gunshot then! This is... mental. Did no one else hear that? Bloody - what have you got me into? All right, fun's over! Fun's over! Put me back in the pocket! Seriously, now - put me away. 'Cause I don't want any piece of this.
- Ap-Sap: [idle responses]
- [pages turning]
- Ap-Sap: Hmm. Oh! Oh, sorry. Sorry! Hope that didn't disturb you too much, then. That was - did you hear that noise? Yeah, that was just the sound of... some books. Pages being turned. By me. 'Cause I was reading... the books.
- [chuckles]
- Ap-Sap: You know what it's like, you know? When you get the urge. And - and ability. To read. Suddenly takes you, you're like I've gotta read some books! So that was what I was doing, just reading the old, uh - some of the old bloody classics. Of literature. By uh... Dickens. And uh... um... others. So uh, so I'm not a moron.
- Ap-Sap: Let me tell you where I am right now: I am of the view of running away in the other direction. Don't know what you're thinking, but that's my view. At this juncture.
- Ap-Sap: Um, couldn't help but notice, when I was in your pocket, that you've, uh - you've got a knife. Looked pretty sharp. Could've had - could've had me eye out!
- Ap-Sap: Just throwing this out there, um - perhaps skip the hacking entirely. Just go straight to the stabbing! All right? Love a bit of stabbing. Less work for me.
- Ap-Sap: We've been walking for... quite some time. Where - where're we going now, by the way?
- Ap-Sap: Dashing rogues! The both of us. Like Robin Hood or something! Role playing. Love it. Absolutely love it.
- Soldier: [dominating any player, which means killing the same person four times in a row without being killed back by them] If God had wanted you to live, He would not have created *me*!
- Demoman: And I got a manky eye. I'm a black Scottish cyclops. They got more feckin' sea monsters in the great Lochett Ness than they got the likes of me.
- Heavy: [wearing a Halloween costume of fake fairy wings, a tiara, and a ballerina tutu, one of a few lines triggered with this costume on] Everyone! Friendship is *STUPID* magic!
- Ap-Sap: [if the Spy dies while the Ap-Sap is out] You know what? It's not the winning, is it? It's the taking part that counts. And you're, uh... and you're doing that.
- Ap-Sap: [the Spy places the Ap-Sap on an enemy Engineer's building] Well done! Okay! I'm about to start hacking! Ah, there's a password. Okay. Hacking, begin!
- [typing sounds, buzzer sound]
- Ap-Sap: No! I could've swore that was it! I was rea - I'm surprised. I am surprised at that. Actually.
- [building is destroyed]
- Ap-Sap: Done! Hacked! Quite complicated; pulled it out of the bag, as usual.
- Redmond Mann: You there! BLU team! I'll double what my ratstink brother is paying you!
- Blutarch Mann: You imbecile!
- [shuffling noise]
- Blutarch Mann: This is what I'm paying them!
- Redmond Mann: Geh! Never mind!
- Medic: [wearing the "Second Opinion"] Do you ever worry you might be going mad?
- [normal voice]
- Medic: Well, not worry... I'm not up at night about it. Heh.
- Medic: [dark voice] Do you ever think you might be going mad?
- [normal]
- Medic: Oh, all the time. I don't think it's anything to worry about.
- Medic: [dark voice] Redrum, redrum...
- [normal voice]
- Medic: Red? Oh! I just got that. Very clever!
- Administrator: Alert! The enemy has taken our intelligence!
- Administrator: [briefcase dropped] The enemy has dropped our intelligence.
- Engineer: [after an enemy gets shot by his automated sentry gun] I told you, don't touch that darn thing!
- Scout: [after killing a Sniper] You'll never hit me! You'll never hit my tiny head! It's so tiny! I got a freakin, such a tiny little head!
- Administrator: [Special Delivery mode responses] Gentlemen, find that Australium and today we make history!
- Administrator: Gentlemen, with our help, Poopy Joe will ride this rocket to the stars!
- Administrator: America has given us the monkey, and Mann Co. has provided the fuel. Let's put those two together and make history!
- Administrator: [first wave of robots starting in Mann vs. Machine mode] They're here! If they get that bomb to the hatchway, we're all done for!
- Administrator: [the robots deliver the bomb to the hatch] You've lost the wave. Perhaps I should just hire *them*!
- [game over]
- Administrator: You failed me. You failed Saxton Hale! You failed us all...
- Administrator: Alert! A tank has entered the area!
- [tank destroyed]
- Administrator: Yes, break them! Break their metal bones!