The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)

Martin Freeman: Arthur Dent

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Quotes 

• Arthur : All my life I've had this strange feeling that there's something big and sinister going on in the world.

  Slartibartfast : No, that's perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe gets that.

• Arthur : [sarcastically]  Normality? Right, we can talk about normality until the cows come home.

  Ford : [thoughtfully]  What is normal?

  Trillian : [wistfully]  What is home?

  Zaphod : [cluelessly]  What're cows?

• Arthur Dent : Just wait a sodding minute! You want a question that goes with the answer for 42? Well, how about what's six times seven? Or how many Vogons does it take to change a lightbulb? Here's one! How many roads must a man walk down?

  Lunkwill : Hey, that's not bad!

  Arthur Dent : Fine. Fine, take it. Because my head is filled with questions and I can assure you no answer to any one of them has ever brought me one iota of happiness. Except for one. The one. The only question I've ever wanted an answer to - is she the one? The answer bloody well isn't forty-two, it's yes. Undoubtedly, unequivocally, unabashedly yes. And for one week, one week in my sad little blip of an existence, it made me happy.

  Trillian : That's a good answer...

  Lunkwill : Rubbish, we don't want to be happy, we want to be famous!

  Fook : Yeah! What is all this "is she the one" tripe?

  Lunkwill : Take his brain!

• Arthur : It must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

• Arthur : Ford?

  Ford : Yeah?

  Arthur : I think I'm a sofa...

  Ford : [pause]  I know how you feel...

• Trillian : You idiot! You signed the order to destroy Earth!

  Zaphod : I did?

  Arthur : He did?

  Trillian : Love and kisses Zaphod? You didn't even read it, did you?

  Zaphod : Well, I'm president, I don't have a lot of time for reading.

  Trillian : My whole planet destroyed because you thought someone wanted your autograph!

• Slartibartfast : Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what's actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, "Hang the sense of it," and keep yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy than right any day.

  Arthur Dent : And are you?

  Slartibartfast : Ah, no.

  [laughs, snorts] 

  Slartibartfast : Well, that's where it all falls down, of course.

• Arthur Dent : I'm sorry, did you just say you needed my brain?

  Fook : Yes, to complete the program.

  Arthur Dent : Well, you can't have it, I'm using it!

  Fook : Hardly.

  Arthur Dent : Cheeky mouse...

• Trillian : Who are you?

  Arthur : Er, Dent, Arthur Dent.

  Trillian : No, I mean *who* are you?

  Arthur : Oh, the costume. Er, Livingston I presume. Yeah. Not as good as Darwin I know but the best I could manage at short notice.

  Trillian : You're the first person whose gotten that right. Everyone keeps calling me Santa.

  Arthur : Really?

  Trillian : Yeah, and I thought the beagle made it a dead giveaway.

  Arthur : Well, I suppose most of the people who come to these parties are idiots.

  Trillian : What?

  [the record player is bumped, the music stops] 

  Arthur : I said all these people are idiots!

  [everyone stares at him] 

  Arthur : Oh god...

• Arthur : OK. Leave this to me. I'm British. I know how to queue.

• Marvin : You can blame the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation for making androids with GPP...

  Arthur : Um... what's GPP?

  Marvin : [despondently]  Genuine People Personalities. I'm a personality prototype. You can tell, can't you...?

• Ford : Didn't you think it was strange I was trying to shake hands with a car?

  Arthur : I assumed you were drunk.

  Ford : I thought cars were the dominant lifeform. I was trying to introduce myself.

• Marvin : I've been talking to the main computer.

  Arthur : And?

  Marvin : It hates me.

• Trillian : Let's go somewhere.

  Arthur : Where did you have in mind?

  Trillian : Madagascar.

  Arthur : That new club on Dean Street?

  Trillian : No, it's a country. Off the coast of Africa.

• Arthur : Let's go somewhere.

  Trillian : Definitely. Where'd you have in mind?

  Ford : I know this great restaurant at the end of the universe.

• Mr. Prosser : Do you know how much damage this bulldozer would sustain if I just let it roll over you?

  Arthur : How much?

  Mr. Prosser : None at all.

• Arthur : A cup of tea would restore my normality.

• Ford : Okay, don't think. Nobody think. No ideas. No theories. No nothing.

  [a beat. They all strain to think of nothing. Several paddles shoot up out of the ground smacking them in their faces] 

  Ford , Arthur , Zaphod : Ow!

• Ford : [after being thrown into the airlock by a guard]  Wash your filthy hands!

  [looks around] 

  Ford : Don't panic... don't panic...

  Arthur : So this is it. We're gonna die.

  Ford : Yeah. We're gonna die.

  [pauses] 

  Ford : No... no! What's this?

  [goes over to control panel] 

  Arthur : What's that?

  Ford : What's this...? What's this...?

  [flips switch] 

  Ford : This... is... nothing. Yeah, we're gonna die.

• Slartibartfast : [talking about the Earth]  Best laid plans of mice.

  Arthur : And men.

  Slartibartfast : What?

  Arthur : Best laid plans of mice and men.

  Slartibartfast : Oh. No, I don't think men had much to do with it.

• Slartibartfast : You must come with me.

  Arthur Dent : Who are you?

  Slartibartfast : What? No. My name's not important. You must come with me, or you'll be late.

  Arthur Dent : Late for what?

  Slartibartfast : Well, um, what's your name, Earthman?

  Arthur Dent : Dent. Arthur Dent.

  Slartibartfast : Well, late as in *the late* Dentarthurdent. It's a sort of threat. You see?

  Arthur Dent : No.

  Slartibartfast : Your friends are safe, you can trust me.

  Arthur Dent : Trust a man who won't even tell me his name?

  Slartibartfast : Well, um, my name is, um, it's

  [hurriedly] 

  Slartibartfast : Slartibartfast.

  Arthur Dent : What?

  Slartibartfast : I *said* it wasn't important.

• Eddie the Computer : Guys, I am just pleased as punch to inform you that there are two thermo-nuclear missiles headed this way... if you don't mind, I'm gonna go ahead and take evasive action

  Arthur Dent : COMPUTER DO SOMETHING!

  Eddie the Computer : Sure thing fella! Switching over to manual control... good luck!

  [Ship's engines immediately stop and ship falls] 

• Ford : We must talk.

  Arthur Dent : Not now, Ford. They're gonna demolish my home.

  Ford : Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! You know already?

  [Arthur doesn't understand. Ford looks at the workers around him] 

  Ford : Oh, *they*! When you say "they" you mean *they*!

• Slartibartfast : I must warn you, we're going to pass through, well, a sort of gateway thing.

  Arthur Dent : What?

  Slartibartfast : It may disturb you. It scares the willies out of me.

• Arthur : [Trillian has been captured by Vogons] 

  [bursts into a random Vogon building with Marvin's arm, hoping they think it's a gun] 

  Arthur : All right! Where is she!

  [sees he's in a waiting room] 

  Vogon Secretary : Who? The Director of Robot Arm Repair?

• Ford : You don't remember. Arthur, your whole planet has been destroyed.

  Arthur : Couldn't you have done something?

  Ford : I saved your life.

• Zaphod : Hey. Sorry to hear about your planet. What was it called again?

  Arthur : Earth.

  Zaphod : Yeah, Earth. I liked Earth. I got these boots on Earth. Anyway, don't tell the girl, OK? Cause if you do, I'll pull your spleen out through your throat.

• Arthur Dent : Here I was thinking I was the only one who considered your boyfriend a narcissistic moron, when apparently the whole galaxy does.

• Trillian : I have a plan.

  Arthur : Does it involve pushing him out there and then running the other way?

• Arthur : I have to say, without the beard you look at least 80 years younger.

  Trillian : Well, maybe I'm de-evolving?

  Arthur : Ha ha!

  Trillian : Ha ha!

  Arthur : Well, I should inform you that I don't date single-celled organisms.

• Arthur : See, normally I hate those sorts of parties. I'd much rather stay at home, I don't know, ironing me hankies.

• Arthur : Humma Kavula is person? I thought he was swearing!

• Marvin : [sees Arthur, now a yarn doll, stumbling about]  Ah! I think the Earth man's about to be sick.

  Zaphod : Whoa, whoa, do it in the trash can, ape man! This ship's brand new!

  Arthur : [vomits coloured yarn] 

• Arthur : So this is it. We're going to die

  Ford : Yes. Would you like a hug?

  Arthur : No.

• Marvin : I have a million ideas, but, they all point to certain death.

  Arthur : Thanks very much, Marv!

• Jeltz : Either die in the vacuum of space, or tell me what you thought of my poem.

  [other Vogons chuckle] 

  Arthur : A... a... actually, I rather liked it.

  Jeltz : Hmm?

  Ford : Yeah. That's good. Run with it.

  Jeltz : Hmmm?

  Arthur : Uh, some of the words I didn't understand, but I found the imagery quite effective.

  Jeltz : Continue...

  Arthur : Well, uh, yes, interesting rhythmic devices, which seemed to counterpoint the underlying metaphor of the humanity of, of the poet's soul.

  Jeltz : So what you're saying is, I write poetry because underneath this mean, callous, heartless exterior, I just want to be loved?

  Ford : [whispers]  Yes, yes, yes.

  Arthur : Yes, yes, yeah, please.

  [other Vogons ooh-ing and aah-ing] 

  Jeltz : Throw them off the ship!

• Arthur Dent : It's a big-biggy Ford, a big-biggy! I mean what if it rips us all into tiny little atomic particle things?

  Zaphod : This is the right one! I have a hunch!

  Ford : [smiling]  His hunches are good! Arthur! I say we go!

  Arthur Dent : Go with a hunch of a man who's brain is fueled by lemons?

• Arthur : Go with the hunch of a man whose brain is fuelled by lemons?

• Zaphod : I'm sensing a lot of hostility from you, Alex.

  Arthur : Arthur!

  Zaphod : Have you ever tried yoga?

• Marvin : [Trillian, Ford, and Zaphod have gone through the portal and left Arthur and Marvin behind]  I told you this would all end in tears.

  Arthur : Did you? Did you?

• Arthur : So you're not from Guildford. Which would explain the accent.

• Lunkwill : Drink up.

  Arthur : Thank you.

  Fook : Now, to business.

  Ford , Zaphod : [drunkenly toasting]  To business!

  Lunkwill , Fook : Eat!

  Zaphod : [quietly]  Sorry.

• Ford : [watching the Magrathean recording of Deep Thought]  Is that it?

  Zaphod : No, there's more. They go back.

  Arthur : What, seven and a half million years later?

  Zaphod : Yeah, they do.

  [Cuts to 7.5 million years later and the answer being received] 

• Arthur : She was amazing though, Ford. Beautiful, witty, mad as a balloon.

• Arthur : I think that door just sighed.

  Marvin : Ghastly, isn't it? All the doors on this spaceship have been programmed to have a cheery and sunny disposition.

• Slartibartfast : Earthman, you must realize that the planet you lived on was commissioned, paid for and run by mice.

  Arthur : When you say mice, do you mean the little furry white creatures with whiskers, ears, cheese?

  Slartibartfast : Yeah, but they're protrusions into our dimension of hyper-intelligent beings. I don't know this cheese of which you speak, but they were there on Earth as mice experimenting on you.

  Arthur : I see where you've become confused now. You see, *we* were experimenting on *them*.

  Slartibartfast : Ah, no, well, yeah, no. That's what they wanted you to think, but you were actually elements in their computer program.

  Arthur : Actually, this explains a lot. All my life I've had this strange feeling there's something big and sinister going on in the world.

  Slartibartfast : No, that's normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe gets that.

• Trillian : How badly does it hurt?

  Arthur : It doesn't feel great.