- Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
- Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.
- [Stewie and Brian in the mall]
- Stewie Griffin: 10 bucks.
- Brian Griffin: Five bucks.
- Stewie Griffin: Eight bucks and I'll do it.
- Brian Griffin: Fine.
- [Stewie goes running through the center courtyard naked]
- Stewie Griffin: Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!
- [Stewie walks back to Brian naked]
- Stewie Griffin: Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash.
- [Stewie starts counting the money]
- Brian Griffin: Cold in here?
- Stewie Griffin: Nope, just really small.
- Tom Tucker: And now, here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather Forecast. Ollie!
- Ollie Williams: IT'S GON' RAIN!
- Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.
- Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
- Meg Griffin: No.
- Glen Quagmire: [Turns to Chris] Hey Chris, how's it going?
- [Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues]
- Peter Griffin: There has to be some explanation for this.
- Brian Griffin: You want an explanation?
- [slaps Peter]
- Brian Griffin: GOD
- [slaps Peter]
- Brian Griffin: IS
- [slaps Peter]
- Brian Griffin: PISSED.
- Interviewer: [Peter is at a job interview] So, Peter, where do you see yourself in ten years?
- Peter Griffin: [thinks] Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife...
- [out loud]
- Peter Griffin: Doin' your, er...
- [sees photo of interviewer on the beach with his wife and son]
- Peter Griffin: ... son?
- [interviewer's shocked expression]
- Lois Griffin: What's going on?
- Stewie Griffin: We're playing house.
- Lois Griffin: The boy is all tied up.
- Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.
- Woman Running Rehab Clinic: What's your name?
- Peter Griffin: Uh
- [looks around and sees a pea on a plate]
- Peter Griffin: Pea.
- Peter Griffin: [sees a woman crying] tear uh
- Peter Griffin: [a Griffin flys across the room] Griffin. yeah that's it, Peter Griffin.
- [pause]
- Peter Griffin: Oh crap.
- Lois Griffin: [to Peter] Hey there, Sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing. Huh?
- Glen Quagmire: [from afar] Giggidy!
- Peter Griffin: Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?
- [Scooby-Doo theme plays]
- TV Announcer: We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files.
- Fred Jones: Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river.
- Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery!
- Scooby-Doo: [jumps on Shaggy's arms] Arroo!
- Fred Jones: You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch!
- John Edward: [Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward"] I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'?
- Peter Griffin: No.
- John Edward: A 'B'?
- Peter Griffin: No.
- John Edward: C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...
- Peter Griffin: P! Peter! My name's Peter!
- John Edward: Is your name Peter?
- Peter Griffin: Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer.
- Peter Griffin: What's wrong, Stewie, don't you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
- [Flashbacks to one year ago]
- Peter Griffin: [Zips up pants] Hey Lois, I did it.
- Peter Griffin: [during a camping trip in a beautiful forest] You know, sometimes I feel like the whole world was made just for me...
- [cut to the moon control room from "The Truman Show"]
- Control Room Director: You think he's on to us, Christof?
- Christof: No, he's an idiot.
- Young Peter Griffin: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
- Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night.
- [Peter looks down in shame]
- Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
- Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
- Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.
- Jaws: Hey. I'm gonna eat 'cha. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that other one, too. I can see right up in them shorts. Got lots of rows of teeth to chew you with. Dun-na, Dun-na, Dun-na. Oh, I did eat a fat kid on a raft earlier. That's OK though, I have been swimming a lot.
- [eats the swimmers]
- Jaws: . Yummy.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, why would they make you president?
- Peter Griffin: Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.
- [makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark]
- Lois Griffin: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
- Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?
- Brian Griffin: That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
- Peter Griffin: Wrong! It's the ugly one.
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'm looking for some toilet training books.
- Salesman: Oh, yes, we can help you there. "Everyone poops" is still the standard, of course. We've also got less popular "Nobody Poops But You".
- Peter Griffin: Huh... well... you see... we're Catholic so... uh...
- Salesman: Oh, well then you want "You're a Naughty Child and that's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of the Back of You".
- Peter Griffin: Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did.
- Cleveland: I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on.
- [everyone drinks]
- Joe Swanson: I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife.
- [Quagmire and Cleveland drink]
- Peter Griffin: I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom.
- [Quagmire drinks]
- Peter Griffin: [later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table] Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.
- Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
- [Quagmire drinks]
- Joe Swanson: I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself.
- Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
- [Quagmire drinks]
- Peter Griffin: Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics.
- Glen Quagmire: Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous!
- [Quagmire drinks]
- Glen Quagmire: [he passes out]
- Joe Swanson: Boy, he's out cold.
- Peter Griffin: Let's write on him!
- Peter Griffin: Say, what happened to the car wash thief?
- Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.
- Peter Griffin: Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh?
- Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.
- Angry Man: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
- Stewie Griffin: What did you just say?
- Lois Griffin: Stewie, stop fussing.
- Stewie Griffin: Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.
- Stewie Griffin: [furiously kicks the seat in front of him] Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!
- Machine: You have 113 new messages
- [Phone starts to beep]
- Lois Griffin: Oh my!
- Old Man: Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh... where the newspaper boy was.
- [beep]
- Old Man: Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back.
- [beep]
- Old Man: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.
- [beep]
- Old Man: Where are you?
- [beep]
- Old Man: Ah, you're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, Lois, you are so full of...
- [a representative from the FCC blows an air horn, drowning out Peter's final word]
- Peter Griffin: What? I can't say
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: in my own
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: house!
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: great, Lois! Just
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: great! You know, you're lucky you're good at
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: my
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about, when you
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: a lubed up
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: of toothpaste in my
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: while you
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: on a cherry
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: Episcopalian
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: extension cord
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: wetness
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: with a parking ticket. That is the best.
- Tom Tucker: Now let's go to Greg The Weather Mime. OK... it's going to be cold... lots of wind... and it looks like parents are going to throw human fecal matter from the rooftops onto their children... oh, GOD. That's awful. No wait, it looks like rain. Yes, rain.
- Meg Griffin: Guess what I am.
- Stewie Griffin: Hmm, let me see. The end result of a drunken backseat gropefest and a damaged prophylactic?
- [Peter is visting Willy Wonka's chocolate factory]
- Willy Wonka: I'll ask you one more time - are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?
- [Peter has become a giant blueberry]
- Peter Griffin: No.
- Willy Wonka: I'm just asking...
- Peter Griffin: What? Are you calling me a liar?
- Willy Wonka: No, I'm just saying...
- Peter Griffin: Hey, shut up, Wonka!
- Peter Griffin: [trying to console Cleveland at audition for a Bachelor show coming up] It's the fabric, It's the fabric. Let's get your clothes off.
- [takes off Cleveland's shirt and pants]
- Cleveland: Peter, what is wrong with you? I'm naked.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, god you're self-conscious
- [Peter takes off his shirt and pants too]
- Peter Griffin: See, now you're not alone.
- Chris Griffin: See, my dad's smarter than yours.
- Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, lardo.
- Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter.
- Herbert: Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?
- Chris: It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.
- Herbert: Who needs them? You like Popsicles?
- Chris: Well, sure.
- Herbert: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.
- Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.
- Herbert: Don't make me beg now.
- Chris: You're funny. Bye.
- Herbert: Get your fat ass back here.
- Lois Griffin: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.
- Peter Griffin: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it.
- Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
- Brian Griffin: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.
- Peter Griffin: [in Sunday School with several children during story time] And when you die, you go to a wonderful place called heaven
- [children gasp in delight, Peter starts laughing]
- Peter Griffin: Nah, I'm just jackin' ya, you'll all rot in the ground.
- [children look horrified]
- Brian Griffin: Well, if you want to be a hero right now it might be a good time.
- Peter Griffin: Geez, Brian, this isn't what I was expecting, I thought being a hero would be all fun and games.
- Peter Griffin: [cut to Peter with the Justice League] Sorry, Wonder Woman, I got three kings. Now let's see your pair.
- [Wonder Woman sighs, then removes her bustier]
- Peter Griffin: [laughs] All right!
- [looks offscreen]
- Peter Griffin: Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her.
- [the Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on]
- Stewie Griffin: You. Cut my eggs.
- [waiter cuts his eggs]
- Waiter: Your eggs are cut sir.
- Stewie Griffin: Now cut my milk.
- Waiter: Uh, I can't sir, it's liquid.
- Stewie Griffin: [slaps him] IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.
- Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
- Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie, all one word, at yahoo dot com.
- Glen Quagmire's Mom: Here now, have milk.
- [shows Glen Quagmire her breasts]
- Glen Quagmire: All right!
- [starts sucking on her breast]
- LaDonne: Hi, gorgeous man!
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?
- LaDonne: Stewie, this is Jeremy!
- Jeremy: Hey, little man!
- [pats him on the head]
- Jeremy: So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend!
- Stewie Griffin: Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
- LaDonne: Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.
- [picks him up]
- Stewie Griffin: [takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away] Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tournee! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you?
- [shouts]
- Stewie Griffin: So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!
- Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
- Announcer: [for Homicide: Life on Sesame Street] This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H.
- Bert: [answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
- [gets out of bed and gets dressed]
- Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
- Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
- Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the *damn* bed.
- Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.