- George Khan: ...when I come this country, I have no luggage. Today what I got?
- Meenah Khan: You got a chip shop, Dad.
- George Khan: Right. Own bloody business, see.
- Stella Moorhouse: I'll never let the colour of your Dad come between us. It's not fair coz I love curry an' all.
- Tariq Khan: Yeah. Nice one.
- [Saleem accidentally drops a fake vagina on Mrs. Shah's lap]
- Mrs. Shah: This is an insult to me and my family! I will never allow my daughters to marry into this junglee family of half-breeds!
- Ella Khan: Well, they may be half-bred, but at least they're not friggin' inbred like them two monstrosities.
- George Khan: Ella!
- Ella Khan: Never mind "Ella". Who the frig do you think you are? You come in here, telling me that my house isn't good enough for your daughters? Well, your daughters aren't good enough for my sons, or my house, and if I hear another word against my family, I will stick that fanny over your bastard head!
- [Mrs. Shah leaves without a word]
- Mr. Shah: [to George] Your wife's a disgrace.
- Ella Khan: Oh, go on, piss off! Go on, sling your bleedin' hook! Go on, piss off! Piss off out of my house! And take Laurel and Hardy with ya!
- [a lecherous Dalmatian leaps onto Mrs. Shah]
- [Ella throws the Shahs out of the house]
- George Khan: You bastard bitch. You bring shame on the family
- Ella Khan: No, you should be ashamed, George. Because you're not interested in these kids being happy. You just want to prove to everybody what a great man you are. Because you're ashamed of me, George, and you're ashamed of our kids. And you won't even admit it.
- [In the hospital following Sajid's circumcision]
- George Khan: Tickle-Tackle all gone?
- Doctor: [Puzzled] Circumcision was absolutely fine.
- George Khan: You Indian?
- Ella Khan: [whispering] George.
- George Khan: [to Ella] Bastard Indian.
- [Ella stops George from beating Maneer]
- George Khan: I your husband. You should agreeing with me like proper Muslim wife!
- Ella Khan: Well they may be half-bred but at least they're not friggin' inbred like them two monstrosities.
- Ella Khan: They filmed "The Dambusters" here.
- Meenah Khan: Mam, you say that EVERY TIME we come to Bradford.
- Ella Khan: Well, they bloody did.
- [Abdul and Tariq approach a local nightclub]
- Bouncer: All right, Tony, how ya goin' mate?
- Tariq Khan: All right, Bazza?
- Bouncer: Yeah, good to see ya. All right, in ya go.
- Tariq Khan: Nice, mate.
- Bouncer: [to Abdul] Where do you think you're going, smiler?
- Tariq Khan: This is our kid, erm...
- Abdul Khan: Arthur, me name's Arthur.
- [Annie meets Tariq and Abdul's brides-to-be]
- Auntie Annie: [sarcastic] Is it these two? They're bleedin' gorgeous. You're lucky you pair, aren't ya. Landin' a couple of belters like these.
- Auntie Annie: They'll do anything for you, Mrs. Shah. Good Samaritans they are. Just like in the Bible.
- Meenah Khan: [Heard by Mrs Shah from outside, referring to the Shahs' daughters] Have you seen the state of them two? The one with the teeth's got a mustache like Dad.
- Maneer Khan: Tariq's looks like Quasimodo.
- Ella Khan: Kids eh. Were your two like that, Mrs. Shah?
- Mrs. Shah: [Sternly] No. I believe in strict discipline. Especially in a NON-Pakistani environment.
- Auntie Annie: Our Peter knows how far he can go before I knock him to Kingdom Come. And that's just my husband, Mrs. Shah!
- [Moorhouse and Earnest are distributing leaflets of Enoch Powell as George passes by]
- Mr. Moorhouse: 'Ere, look, see? There's one of'em now. Got his bags packed for his way home, heh.
- Earnest Moorhouse: [Respectfully] Salam Alekom, Mr. Khan.
- Mr. Moorhouse: [Slaps Earnest over the head] Shut up, you little bastard!
- Tariq Khan: [Watching Enoch Powell speaking on TV] We should have a whip-round and get Dad repatriated.
- Mark: Gunga Din! Drinking the white man's brew!
- Fat Twat: What are you doing here, Abdul?
- Abdul Khan: It's me stag night. I'm gettin' married.
- Mark: Who to?
- Abdul Khan: Dunno. Me dad hasn't bothered introducing us yet.
- Abdul Khan: Why can't we just sit down & talk to him?
- Tariq Khan: Don't you understand yet? He's never going to give a shit about what you want or what you think
- [Imitating George]
- Tariq Khan: I'm am your father, you are my son, you do as I say bas
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