- Bartolomeo: They are looking for someone who speaks German, to translate their instructions.
- Guido: Me! I'll do it, I'll translate!
- Bartolomeo: Do you speak German?
- Guido: No.
- Guido: What are your political views?
- Tappezziere: [speaking to his two sons] Benito, Adolf! Sit down! Sorry Guido, what did you say?
- Eliseo Orefice: You're serving. You're not a servant. Serving is a supreme art. God is the first servant. God serves men but he's not a servant to men.
- Guido: [pretending to translate] The game starts now. You have to score one thousand points. If you do that, you take home a tank with a big gun. Each day we will announce the scores from that loudspeaker. The one who has the fewest points will have to wear a sign that says "Jackass" on his back. There are three ways to lose points. One, turning into a big crybaby. Two, telling us you want to see your mommy. Three, saying you're hungry and want something to eat.
- Giosué Orefice: We won!
- Dora: Yes, we won! It's true.
- Giosué Orefice: We got a thousand points and we won the game! Daddy and me came in first and now we won the real tank! We won! We won!
- Giosué Orefice: [narrating as an adult] This is my story. This is the sacrifice my father made. This was his gift to me.
- Guido: [carrying his son through the camp] You are such a good boy. You sleep now. Dream sweet dreams. Maybe we are both dreaming. Maybe this is all a dream, and in the morning, Mommy will wake us up with milk and cookies. Then, after we eat, I will make love to her two or three times. If I can.
- Giosué Orefice: I didn't like the train.
- Guido: [to his son] Me, neither. We'll take the bus back, okay?
- Guido: [to the Nazis] Did you hear that? We're taking the bus back!
- Giosué Orefice: [slowly reading signage on confectionery shopfront] "No Jews or dogs allowed".
- [turning to Guido]
- Giosué Orefice: Why aren't Jews or dogs allowed to go in?
- Guido: They just don't want Jews or dogs to go in. Everybody does what they want to, Joshua.
- [pointing at store ahead]
- Guido: There's a hardware store there. They don't let Spanish people or horses into his store.
- [pointing at another store]
- Guido: Further ahead, there's a drugstore. Yesterday, I was with a Chinese friend who had a kangaroo. I said, "May we?" "No, we don't want any Chinese or kangaroos here." They don't like them. What can I tell you?
- Giosué Orefice: We let everybody into our bookshop.
- Guido: No. From now on, we'll write it too. Is there anybody you don't like?
- Giosué Orefice: Spiders. What about you?
- Guido: [mock-seriously] I don't like Visigoths. Starting tomorrow we'll write: "No spiders and Visigoths allowed." I'm sick and tired of these Visigoths.
- Guido: What kind of place is this? It's beautiful: Pigeons fly, women fall from the sky! I'm moving here!
- Dora: My husband and son are on that train. I want to get on that train. Did you hear me? I want to get on that train.
- [first lines]
- Narrator: This is a simple story; but, not an easy one to tell. Like a fable, there is sorrow and, like a fable, it is full of wonder and happiness.
- Dora: You have been so nice to me. All I want now is a hot bath.
- Guido: Ah, I forgot to tell you.
- Dora: Go ahead.
- Guido: You can't imagine how much I feel like making love to you. But I'll never tell anyone, especially not you. They'd have to torture me to make me say it.
- Dora: Say what?
- Guido: That I want to make love to you - not just once, but over and over again! But I'll never tell you that. I'd have to be crazy to tell you. I'd even make love to you now... right here for the rest of my life.
- Giosué Orefice: Daddy, I cannot find any of the other kids, and a lady came telling me to take a shower.
- Guido: That's a good idea. You go take a shower.
- Giosué Orefice: No!
- Guido: Go take a shower!
- Giosué Orefice: No!
- Giosué Orefice: [watching his father's uncle being sent to another barracks, which is the last time he will see him] Where is Uncle going?
- Guido: Uh... oh, he's playing on a different team. Goodbye, Uncle!
- Giosué Orefice: Goodbye, Uncle.
- Giosué Orefice: They make buttons and soap out of us.
- Guido: Eh...
- [momentarily lost for words]
- Guido: What are you saying?
- Giosué Orefice: They burn us all in the oven.
- Guido: Who told you that?
- Giosué Orefice: A man was crying. He said they make us into buttons and soap.
- Guido: [laughs and gesticulates animatedly] You fell for that? Again? I thought you were a sharp boy... cunning, intelligent. Buttons and soap out of people? That'll be the day! You believed that? Hahaha! Just imagine. Tomorrow morning, I wash my hands with Bartolomeo... a good scrub. Then I'll button up with Francesco.
- [pretends to button up concentration camp uniform, from which a button comes loose and falls to floor]
- Guido: Darn it all!
- [picks up button]
- Guido: Look, I just lost Giorgio! Does this look like a person? Hahaha, come on! They were teasing you! And you fell for it! What else did they tell you?
- Giosué Orefice: That we get cooked in the oven.
- [continues solemnly as Guido starts laughing hysterically]
- Giosué Orefice: They burn us up in the oven.
- Guido: [laughing and clapping hands] You fell for that too! You just eat everything up! I've heard of a wood oven, but I've never seen a man oven before. Ah ha... "I'm made of wood!" "Take this lawyer... poomp!"
- [pseudo-seriously]
- Guido: "This lawyer doesn't burn. He's not dry enough.
- [continues animatedly]
- Guido: Look at that smoke!" Oh Joshua... buttons, soap, we get burned in the oven... Let's be serious now.
- [simulates hopping]
- Guido: I have a sack race with the bad guys tomorrow...
- Giosué Orefice: [interrupting] That's enough. I want to go home.
- Guido: [being shipped to a concentration camp] You've never ridden on a train, have you? They're fantastic! Everybody stands up, close together, and there are no seats!
- Giosué Orefice: There aren't any seats?
- Guido: Seats? On a train? It's obvious you've never ridden one before! No, everybody's packed in, standing up. Look at this line to get on! Hey, we've got tickets, save room for us!
- [after arriving in the deserted concentration camp in a tank, trying to speak to an Italian boy in English]
- U.S. Tank Soldier: You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?
- Guido: The prize is... the prize is...
- Eliseo Orefice: A tank.
- Guido: Yes! Yes, the prize is a tank.
- Giosué Orefice: I already have one.
- Guido: No, a real one.
- Giosué Orefice: A real tank?
- Guido: Dr. Lessing!
- Dr. Lessing: Hello!
- [notices the flowers]
- Dr. Lessing: What are the flowers for?
- Guido: [thinks fast] Ah... for your departure!
- [hands him the flowers]
- Dr. Lessing: Thank you!
- Guido: You can lose all your points for any one of three things. One: If you cry. Two: If you ask to see your mother. Three: If you're hungry and ask for a snack! Forget it!
- Dora: At least they don't make the children and old people work.
- Female Prisoner: They don't make them work because they kill them! One day, you will hear a lady calling, "Kids, come take a shower," then they gas them!
- Guido: Good morning, Princess! Last night, I dreamt about you all night! We were going to the movies. You were wearing that pink suit that I really like. You're all I think about, Princess. I always think about you. And now...
- Giosué Orefice: Mommy! Pop wheels me in the wheelbarrow, but he doesn't know how to drive! We laugh like crazy! We're in the lead! How many points do we have today?
- Guido: We're in first place, but, if you want to go, it's alright.
- Giosué Orefice: We're in first place?
- Guido: Yeah, first place. I told you. Anyway, we're quitting. Come on. I saw the scores yesterday, but, it doesn't matter any more. Oh, ciao, Bartolomeo. Giosué and I are leaving. We're fed up. We'll see you. Oh, by the way, that big tank is ready. But, remember, before you move it or even start the engine, be sure to clean the spark plugs and open up the throttle. Because, if you don't, the tanks won't work properly and polish the cannon. That really came out beautiful. Oh, and before you take off, you better test the brakes. Alright. Me and Giosué are leaving. He wants to quit the game, so, we're going to go. Too bad. We could've gone home in a big tank; but, we'll take the bus. Ciao, everybody. Me and Giosué are leaving now. We're tired of this place so we're heading back home. So long! Come on, Giosué, we better hurry or we'll miss the bus.
- Dr. Lessing: [softly reciting riddle at Nazi concentration camp officers' mess] Fat, fat, ugly, ugly, all yellow in reality. If you ask me what I am, I reply "Quark quark quark".
- [looks around surreptitiously]
- Dr. Lessing: Walking along, I go "Por-por". Who am I? Tell me true.
- Guido: [looks at Doctor Lessing in stunned silence]
- Dr. Lessing: [smiles] Hmphh... a duckling, no?
- Guido: [nods silently, still flabbergasted]
- Dr. Lessing: Is it not a duckling?
- [angrily]
- Dr. Lessing: It's not! A veterinarian friend of mine sent it to me from Vienna. I can't send him mine, until I solve this one. I thought: Duck-billed platypus. But it doesn't go "Quark quark quark quark". A duck-billed platypus goes...
- [pulls at corners of mouth with fingers, making a blowing sound]
- Dr. Lessing: "Ffrrr ffrrr-ffrrr ffrrr-ffrrr". Duck-billed platypus...
- [steps forward and whispers into Guido's ear]
- Dr. Lessing: I translated it into Italian for you last night. Well, what do you say? Everything points to a duckling!
- [assumes tragic tone and expression]
- Dr. Lessing: Help me, Guido. For heaven's sake, help me. I can't even sleep.
- [turns to side counter, talking to self]
- Dr. Lessing: Fat, fat... ugly, ugly... that's me... quark quark quark... It's the duckling!
- [wails and thumps side counter in frustration]
- Guido: [slowly and silently walks away, crestfallen at Doctor Lessing's callous, comic-tragic behavior]
- Guido: What are you doing? Were you sleeping?
- Ferruccio: Of course I was.
- Guido: Hey, you asked me a question a minute ago, you turn your head, and went right to sleep. How'd you do that?
- Ferruccio: Schopenhauer.
- Guido: Schopenhauer?
- Ferruccio: Schopenhauer says that with will power you can do anything. I am what I want to be. And now I want to be someone who's sleeping.
- Guido: Look at this. Look over there. Look at that building. Didn't I tell you. We're in the city. We can do whatever we want. We are completely free. If you want to do something, you just do it! If you want to yell, you just go ahead and yell. No one's going to stop you.
- Ferruccio: Ahhhhh!
- Guido: Stop. What are you doing? Have you gone crazy? We're in the middle of a city. You can't behave like you do in the country. Come on.
- Ferruccio: What did I do?
- Guido: What do you mean, what did I do? They're gonna lock you up.
- Guido: I'm new here and I understand there's a whole procedure I have to go through to open a bookstore. How long does it take?
- Segretaria Comune: Years.
- Guido: [pretending to be an Inspector from Rome] This is an Italian belly button, kids, and it's part of our heritage!
- Direttrice Didattica: The good Inspector has been sent here to explain to you about the Proclamation of Race, which has been signed by the most enlightened Italian scientists. He will, and I am very happy for him to do it, demonstrate that our race is really superior. The best of the moment. Sit down. Go ahead, Inspector.
- Guido: [pretending to be Inspector from Rome] I'll explain our race.
- Direttrice Didattica: It's superior.
- Guido: Naturally. Thanks. So, race is superior. In fact, I just come from Rome and right this minute to come and tell you so there won't be any confusion, my friends, that our race is imminently superior. I was chosen to deliver this message by racist Italian scientists in order to illustrate to you how superior a race we really are in this world. You may be asking yourself, why did they pick me? I think the answer is obvious. Wouldn't you say? Who could you find that could be a more handsome specimen. I am the ultimate example of racial purity. You're impressed? Well, of course you should be. In front of you stands a man who's clearly descendent from pure Aryan blood, my friends. Take me! Let's talk with the folks who say, what's all the fuss about? The ear! Why the ear? Well, take a look. Like fine China, it's perfectly formed. Above the earlobe you find the auricle. With a little precious pendent bell which you can wiggle with your finger. Or, you can wiggle the entire ear. It's movable cartilage. Find two ears prettier than these and I'll leave immediately. Of course, you have to show them to me. In France, they dream about ears like this.
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