- Raymond Hurdicure: Sorry we're a few hours late, there, Ma, but you know how the kids... uh... hate old people.
- Wally's wife: Kids, where's your Father?
- Daughter: He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn.
- Wally's wife: Again?
- Wally's wife: Were the handcuffs totally necessary, officer?
- Cop: Well, actually, that was your husband's idea.
- Wally: Doctor, why do those types
- [motions with hands]
- Wally: keep thinking that I'm one of them?
- Psychiatrist: Well, Wally, because you *are* one of them. You are gay. You are gay. You are a homosexual. The opposite of straight, you're gay. I know it. Your family knows it. DOGS know it! Everyone seems to know it except you.
- Cop #1: Hey, didya see that, uh, Nina Bedford show this morning?
- Cop #2: Yeah, that uh... thing about toast-fucking.
- Cop #1: ...toast-fucking?
- Cop #2: Yeah - it's the new thing where you fuck or get fucked with toast.
- Cop #1: No, the... the show this morning was about that new drug.
- Cop #2: Oh. Must have been a dream I had.
- White Trash Man: Baby... get in the vehicle, baby!
- White Trash Woman: I'm not getting in that vehicle!
- White Trash Man: Baby, this is my gift to you!
- White Trash Woman: What? Gift? That's not a gift, you freakin' stole this!
- White Trash Man: I stole it to make it up to you, baby.
- White Trash Woman: [sobbing] Well, tell me this, then - how could you sleep with my best friend and then tell me about it?
- White Trash Man: Sure I told you about it, baby, but don't shoot the messenger!
- [after being brought home by the police]
- Wally: There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.
- Wally's wife: Please don't.
- Wally: Well, I was out driving. 'Cause you know how much I love driving. When suddenly, I had to take the *biggest pee in the world*! So I went to this washroom...
- [Wally's family goes inside and locks him out]
- Wally: ...but it was full of those *types*! You know. QUEERS and QUEENIES and...
- Don Roritor: Can I get you anything else? Grappa, wine, cappuccino, tickets to a Lakers game?
- Dr. Chris Cooper: No, thanks.
- Don Roritor: Are you sure? What about cheesecake? Double-A batteries? Land in Montana?
- Dr. Chris Cooper: No, thank you.
- Don Roritor: I offer you these, but they'll be yours anyway. Do you understand?
- Scientist: I've invented a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.
- Don: Uh, right, and what's positive about that?
- Scientist: Well, it's a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.
- Don: Couldn't it also give worms to ex-boyfriends?
- Scientist: This is a drug... for the world... to give worms to ex-girlfriends.
- Don: Well, great. Thanks for stopping by.
- Scientist: You just don't get it here! Huhoooo!
- Cabbie: When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: "Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over."
- Cisco: Okay, I was driving around last night in my sixty-two thousand dollar car. And I was trying to think of a name for the drug, then it hit me.
- Don Roritor: The name?
- Cisco: No a bird, it hit my windshield. When that happened, I got depressed.
- Natalie: Not you, Cisco!
- Cisco: Yeah, even me. But as soon as I got depressed, I got undepressed. 'Cause as I was cleaning the gleaming guts of that bird off my car, I thought of a name for the drug - Gleemonex. The slogan - Gleemonex makes it feel like it seventy-two degrees in your head... all... the... time!
- Alice: Hello, is your *uncle* home?
- Cooper's groupie: Uncle? Oh, yeah. Just a moment.
- Cooper's groupie: [calls upstairs suggestively] Uncle Chris!
- Dr. Chris Cooper: Uncle? What, are we playing *that* game again?
- Cabbie: So what does this whole story mean? The only way to be happy is to know you won't be happy every single day. Lalalalalala. It sounds better in the original Croatian.
- Dr. Chris Cooper: You know, my father suffered from depression. Yeah.
- [Flashes back to himself as a boy fixing a bike; his father walks up to him, obviously very depressed]
- Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad: Hello son. Did you clean the house for your old man while he was at work today?
- Young Chris Cooper: Yep.
- Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad: Ah yeah, yeah yeah. Did you... clean under the fridge?
- Young Chris Cooper: Yep.
- Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah. What about... the gun? Did you... give the gun a good cleaning?
- Young Chris Cooper: Yep.
- Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad: Good boy.
- [Walks miserably into the house, letting his briefcase fall open; once he is inside, there is a gunshot]
- Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad: Ahhhhh! Holy mother, my foot!
- [There is another gunshot]
- Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad: Ahhhhh! My other foot!
- Dr. Chris Cooper: [Back in the present day] Two hours later, he hit a vital organ and... died.
- Assistant: This is the real party, Chris.
- Cop: And may I say I think it's a damn shame your husband's out cruising for gay sex when he has a piece of fine-ass woman like you at home?
- Wally's wife: Well... thanks, I guess.
- Drill sergeant: You... are... scum! Do you hear me soldier?
- Wally: Yes, sir!
- Drill sergeant: Do you know what we are going to be doing today?
- Wally: No, sir!
- Drill sergeant: We are going to be doing push-ups all day, you and me, all day!
- [Wally smiles]
- Drill sergeant: Do you think that's funny soldier?
- Wally: No, sir!
- Drill sergeant: Well, just for that, you are going to be doing those push-ups with me lying on your back! You are going to discover muscles, you never knew you had! Big... muscles, hard... muscles!
- Wally: Oh, yesss, sir!
- Placebo Patient: No. It's been two weeks and I don't feel any different. All I've done is gain eight pounds. Now, what's in this?
- Baxter: Oh, a little of this and a little of that. Open
- Placebo Patient: It's sugar isn't it?
- [shouts]
- Placebo Patient: I'm in the placebo group.
- [last lines]
- Cabbie: So there go, you have your happy ending. Now get out! Because nowhere on your ticket does it say that you can sleep here!
- Don Roritor: Your drug is effectively changing the world for the better. It's important that you know that. Have you heard that crack is gone? Crime is down... and oddly enough, so is tourism.
- Old Guy in Studio Audience: I want to be a scientist just like you. Any advice?
- Dr. Chris Cooper: Er... work hard and stay in school!
- Psychiatrist: I'm sorry, I don't speak German.
- Depressed German: [subtitled] The nipples of mother fortune have run dry...
- Mrs. Hurdicure: [looking at drug] What will this do?
- Dr. Cooper: Well, it reaches into your brain "chemically," and then it locates your happiest memory "chemically," then it locks onto that emotion and freezes it "chemically," and then it keeps you happy, happy.
- Baxter: Chris? She's depressed, not stupid!
- [Wally's squad is watching naked men shower]
- Drill sergeant: [to Wally] You go over there and Fuck 'em. We'll stay here and Masturbate. Go, go, go!
- Dr. Chris Cooper: [holding out cappuccino cup to assistant] My cap is luke.
- Assistant: Lukewarm, Chris?
- Cisco: No, Luke Skywalker, you fuckin' inbred.
- Scientist: Please don't take my monkeys!
- Cabbie: There's an old Romanian folksong my Grandma used to sing to me. It goes: Life is short and life is shit and soon it will be over!
- Don Roritor: [Touring the ward of comatose patients] Now, you know, Chris, it might be very easy here to take the narrow view and say, you know, "Oh my God, more coma victims, oh how terrible, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah." You know, Chris, I still think that's the narrow view.
- Don Roritor: [Touring the ward of coma patients] You know, Chris, in a situation like this I think we should rely on my experience. Cause you know, Chris, when I invented Stummies...
- Dr. Chris Cooper: Oh, fuck Stummies! And you too Don! You pushed, boy! You pushed! Dumb Baxter said the drug was great. I said testing! And you - you took away my lab! Cause you - sure, I lost my virginity, but who do you think - you pushed, boy! You pushed! I... gotta return Rear Window to the video store... now this? Comas? Acceptable losses? Late fees?
- Don Roritor: No! No, I-I don't think I *will* fuck Stummies.
- [Don marches up to Chris and shoves his finger in Chris's face threateningly]
- Dr. Chris Cooper: Get your finger out of my face, Don!
- [Chris slaps Don's finger away]
- Don Roritor: Don't you touch my finger, Chris.
- [Don raises his finger to Chris's face again]
- Dr. Chris Cooper: Then get your finger out of my face, Don!
- [Chris slaps Don's finger away again]
- Don Roritor: Don't you touch my finger Chris!
- [Don raises his finger again]
- Dr. Chris Cooper: Get your finger out of my face!
- [Chris slaps away Don's finger again]
- Don Roritor: Don't touch my finger!
- [Don raises his finger again; the finger slapping-raising routine repeats about six more times, the two men shouting over each other, until they are embroiled in a pathetic fight that ends with Chris feebly shoving Don towards a door]
- Don Roritor: You know, Chris, I had such high hopes for you. But unfortunately, you just don't get it.
- [Shoves through the ward door]
- Don Roritor: Ow my fucking finger!