Columbo (TV Series)

Étude in Black (1972)

Peter Falk: Columbo

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lieutenant Columbo : [presenting his car to Mike the mechanic]  What do you think of this?

  Mike Alexander : Have you ever thought of getting a new car?

  Lieutenant Columbo : No, you see, I already have two cars. Of course, my wife's car is nothing special. That's just for transportation. You understand.

  Mike Alexander : I only work on foreign cars.

  Lieutenant Columbo : Oh, it's a foreign car.

  Mike Alexander : Oh, I know, but... there are limits, mate, you know?

• Lieutenant Columbo : I can't stand suicide. Murder is bad, but suicide is sadder.

• Lieutenant Columbo : [Upset that a beautiful young pianist has apparently committed suicide]  A man... the man... a person... somebody. Woman like that's gotta have somebody. Eyes like that! But that's me, I'm paranoic. Every time I see a dead body, I think it's been murdered. Can't imagine anyone murdering themselves... especially a young girl like that... beautiful eyes... but that's me. I'd like to see everyone die of old age.

• Lieutenant Columbo : Can I ask you a personal question?

  Alex Benedict : Please.

  Lieutenant Columbo : What do you pay in taxes on this place?

• Lieutenant Columbo : That's my specialty, you know: homicide.

• Dr. Benson : [referring to Columbo's dog]  Say, how old is he?

  Lieutenant Columbo : Kinda hard to say. You see, I just picked him up at the pound. His time was up, if you know what I mean.

• Lieutenant Columbo : Okay, Doc. Thanks for staying open. I got these peculiar hours...

  Dr. Benson : Ah, no sweat. My wife doesn't like music. She watches murder mysteries, so whenever the concert's on, I work late.

• Lieutenant Columbo : Well listen. Audrey, it's been nice talkin to ya, and I appreciate the advice about the dog.

  Audrey : [Looking at the dog]  What's his name?

  Lieutenant Columbo : Ya know, I don't know the name yet? What do you think about 'Fido'?

  Audrey : [sarcastically]  Oh, WOW, how'd you ever think of THAT one?

• Lieutenant Columbo : What a car. What a piece of machinery! I mean, just sitting in this thing makes me feel good. I smell this leather, I feel the felt. I look at this wood. I wanna tell you, all my life I wanted a car like this. Of course, on my salary, forget about it.

• Lieutenant Columbo : Oh, listen. Just one more thing. Uh...

• Lieutenant Columbo : Oh, she could've passed out from the gas. And she coulda fallen off that chair and she could have bumped her head; but, uh... you know, that was a pretty good bump. You know, someone coulda hit her.

  Alex Benedict : That's just an assumption on your part.

  Lieutenant Columbo : Right. Very difficult to prove.

• Paul Rifkin : You're not for real, Lieutenant. The only thing next door is a laundromat.

  Lieutenant Columbo : Well, there USED to be a cigar store.

  Paul Rifkin : You're not a jazz freak. You made a special trip over here to see me. Why?

• Lieutenant Columbo , Dr. Benson : All right, come on, dog.

  Dr. Benson : Hey, you got a name for him yet?

  Lieutenant Columbo : Nah, I was thinking of watching him and give him a name that fits something he did, but all he does is sleep and drool.

• Alex Benedict : Listen, uh... How did you arrive at that figure, 750,000?

  Lieutenant Columbo : It's real estate rule of thumb. It's a trick. No magic. I'm not an appraiser or anything like that.

• Lieutenant Columbo : Excuse me. I hate to keep bothering you people, but I have something which I think will interest you.

  Alex Benedict : Mr. Columbo, nothing you could possibly say could interest me.

• Lieutenant Columbo : I never got to ask you last night what I wanted to ask ya.

  Alex Benedict : Go ahead.

  Lieutenant Columbo : Terrific place. Terrific.

  Alex Benedict : Thank you. We like it.

• Lieutenant Columbo : I had a thought. Listen to this: what if she didn't commit suicide?

  Alex Benedict : Uh, isn't that peculiar? Because that's what I was gonna say. That... That... I was awake almost all night thinking about the same thing.

  Lieutenant Columbo : No kidding.

  Alex Benedict : Yes... only I rejected the idea.

• Lieutenant Columbo : I'm Lt. Columbo. I'm a fan of yours, a really big fan. In fact, I just got your latest album.

  Alex Benedict : Thank you. I didn't realize that you were interested in piano concertos.

  Lieutenant Columbo : No, no. I'm talking about the album of Strauss waltzes. "The Blue Danube." You know the one I mean?

  Alex Benedict : Yes. I 'd forgotten that.

• Lieutenant Columbo : Mr. Benedict home?

  Lieutenant Columbo , The House Boy : You musician?

  Lieutenant Columbo : No, cop.

  The House Boy : Cop?

  Lieutenant Columbo : Policeman. C-O-L-U-M-B-O. Me.

  The House Boy : Oh! Come in, please. You musician. You stay.

• Alex Benedict : Did you have anything specific that you wanted to talk to me about?

  Lieutenant Columbo : No, I'm gonna get to that, but I'm fascinated by money. Aren't you?

  Alex Benedict : Yeah, I'm fascinated by money, for what it can do. That's all.

• Alex Benedict : Let's go inside. We'll be more comfortable.

  Lieutenant Columbo : No, no.

  Alex Benedict : No, no?

  Lieutenant Columbo : I'm not goin' in there. I'm not messin' up the room. I have a wife. I know what that is.

• Lieutenant Columbo : Anyway, what I was going to ask you is this: How much do you make?

• Lieutenant Columbo : Are you still with me?

  Alex Benedict : I'm standing here.

• Lieutenant Columbo : I'm very impressed with you.

  Audrey : Oh, really? Is it my body or my mind?

  Lieutenant Columbo : Well, it's both really. No, seriously, Audrey, give me a break. What I'm trying to say is, that for a young girl, you're a very independent-minded person.

  Audrey : Don't bother with any male chauvinistic compliments.

• Lieutenant Columbo : Listen, I really appreciate your taking the time to chat with me like this. You know, this is a lonely business, and it's nice just to have someone that ya... well, just air out your thoughts with.

  Alex Benedict : You know, it's shocking... SHOCKING when you think about suicide, the word. Now, see, I can understand how she might have killed herself, but what possible reason for someone to kill her?

• Audrey : Is this your dog?

  Lieutenant Columbo : Yeah, I guess it is.

  Audrey : How would you like it if somebody locked you up like that? With the windows closed and everything!

  Lieutenant Columbo : I didn't want him get out.

  Audrey : Then leave the window open a crack.

• Lieutenant Columbo : Well, there's a lot of snobbery among the wives. 'Cause in my line of business, we meet a lot of people. So one lieutenant, he brings home one guy's, and another lieutenant, he brings home another guy's. So when the wives get together, they can say, "I got an actor," "I got a district attorney." I thought it would be nice if my wife had a conductor's autograph. Would you mind signing this?