- Aunt Esther: My body was blessed by Mother Nature, honey.
- Fred Sanford: And as you got older, it was cursed by Father Time.
- Fred Sanford: Who is it?
- Aunt Esther: It's Esther!
- Fred Sanford: Esther who?
- Aunt Esther: You know Esther who! Open this door fool!
- Fred Sanford: I can't open the door!
- Aunt Esther: Why not?
- Fred Sanford: You too ugly!
- Aunt Esther: Woodrow and I are going to have a baby.
- Fred Sanford: Well somebody better call the zoo.
- Fred Sanford: Let's do like they did in the Bible: Moses spread his arms out and the Red Sea divided.
- Lamont Sanford: So we're gonna do like Moses?
- Fred Sanford: No, we're gonna do like the Red Sea and split.
- Fred Sanford: Who is it?
- Lamont Sanford: It's the phone company. They say that if we don't pay the bill, they're gonna cut it off.
- Fred Sanford: Gimmie that. Hello? Yes, this is Fred Sanford. Yeah, the phone is listed in my name. Say listen, what makes you folks think you can call me and cut somebody's phone off just because they're a little behind in their bill? Listen, I need my phone for my place of business. That's right, I wish one of you would come over here and try to cut my phone off. I'd put my foot in your - Hello?
- Lamont Sanford: What's the matter with you, man?
- Fred Sanford: Didn't you read the paper?
- Lamont Sanford: No. What happened?
- Fred Sanford: Well look here: Lucy stole Linus' blanket and hid it in Snoopy's dog house.
- Lamont Sanford: I'm glad you told me, now I won't have to watch the 11:00 news.
- Fred Sanford: Listen, Son, I kow everything that's going on here and that's your business.
- Lamont Sanford: I was hoping you'd understand...
- Fred Sanford: If you wanna be down here with that girl, that's your business. I mean, if you wanna be hugging and kissing all night, that's your business.
- Lamont Sanford: I appreciate it...
- Fred Sanford: But when she smacks your face and the police come here and arrest me for harboring a sex maniac, then that's MY business. So you get her the hell out of here.
- Aunt Esther: Who you calling ugly, sucker?
- Fred Sanford: I'm calling you ugly, I could push your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies.
- [clutching his chest dramatically]
- Fred Sanford: Oh, this is the biggest one I ever had. You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you honey.
- Fred Sanford: On behalf of Elizabeth, would you care for something to eat?
- Aunt Esther: Oh I wouldn't mind a little snack.
- Fred Sanford: Son, go in the kitchen and fix your Aunt Esther a fish-head sandwich!
- Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, the wrath of God will strike you down.
- Fred Sanford: And this Louisville slugger will knock you out.
- Lamont Sanford: You know what they say, the truth will set you free.
- Fred Sanford: Your uncle Edgar told the truth, and the judge gave him six months.
- Grady Wilson: She can't stay here, because there isn't any room.
- Aunt Esther: That's what they told the baby Jesus but they found him a place.
- Grady Wilson: Okay, I'll build you a little manger out in the back yard and get you some sheep to sleep with.
- Aunt Esther: The next time you see that creep Woodrow, you tell him his behind is grass... and I am the lawnmower.
- Fred Sanford: Goodbye, dear
- Aunt Esther: Oh, you called me dear.
- Fred Sanford: Why shouldn't I call you DEER? You look like Bambi's father!
- Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford why is it every time I come over to your house you call me ugly?
- Fred Sanford: Because I'm not the type to lie.
- Donna Harris: Where are you going?
- Fred Sanford: [drunk] St. Louis. On the banks of the Misississippi. M-I-S... I-S-S... M-O-U-S-E.
- Fred Sanford: I still want to sow some wild oats.
- Lamont Sanford: At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat.
- Fred Sanford: [Officer Hopkins helps Grady inside] What's the matter, Grady?
- Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: It's really nothing much to be concerned about, Mr. Sanford. He's merely experiencing a mild gastrointestinal imbalance precipitated by acute anti-gravitational pull in the lower abdominal cavity.
- Grady Wilson: I gotta throw up!
- Grady Wilson: Fred told me to keep you out of this garden.
- Aunt Esther: Oh he did huh?
- Grady Wilson: Yea, Fred said just because he planted a garden of Eden, there was no reason to let the serpent in.
- Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, you have been sinning and transgressing all your life. If the Lord wanted to strike you down, he'll find ya. Even if you were going to Las Vegas.
- Lamont Sanford: [Lamont complains that Fred isn't a good businessman] A six-year-old does better business than you!
- Fred Sanford: Well, pretty soon you won't have to deal with me any more, I'll be joinin' your mother, and you can get a six-year-old to replace me, and it won't be Sanford and Son anymore, it'll be Big Dummy and Little Dummy Inc!
- Lamont Sanford: Hi Grady!
- Grady: Outta my way Lamont.
- [to Fred]
- Grady: You expect me to beleive a cock and bull story like that?
- Grady: I ain't givin you nothing you stubborn bull headed old buzzard.
- Fred Sanford: Who you calling old?
- Fred Sanford: Listen, Esther. In the first place, you can't enter that contest because your not eligible. See one of the things you have to be is a part of a certain race.
- Woody Anderson: What race?
- Fred Sanford: Human!
- Fred Sanford: All you got to do is enlist Esther in the Navy. And that way, you can have her face buried at sea!
- Lamont Sanford: She's gonna be competing with her own peers.
- Fred Sanford: Her Peers?
- Lamont Sanford: Yes.
- Fred Sanford: You mean Godzilla is in the contest?
- Lamont Sanford: These two Russian seismologists said they've discovered a new fault.
- Fred Sanford: Well what was wrong with the old one?
- Grady Wilson: Don't you go in my room by mistake, cause if I pull back them covers and see you I might have a stroke and die.
- [Referring to Donna and Esther, respectively]
- Fred Sanford: Here are my two most favorite characters from a fairy tale: Beauty and the Beast.
- [Fred comes home drunk]
- Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, you just a messy fool.
- Fred Sanford: And you just a sessy pool.
- Aunt Esther: Today is my lucky day.
- Fred Sanford: Why? Did you look at yourself in the mirror and it didn't break?
- Fred Sanford: Oooo... Its the Big One... You hear that Elizabeth... I'm comin' to you, I'm comin' home to Georgia
- Fred Sanford: [about Esther] This is our plumber but you can see that the pipes have backed up into her face.
- Lamont Sanford: [about his cologne] It's called "A Day in Paris".
- Fred Sanford: Smells more like "A Night in El Segundo".
- Officer Hopkins: How do you spell that, Honkey?
- Fred Sanford: Uh Y T!
- Officer Hopkins: Y T?
- Fred Sanford: Yeah! Say it again!
- Officer Hopkins: Y T Y T...
- Fred Sanford: Whitey!
- Officer Hopkins: When we're finished, people will be able to walk down the streets safely in Los Angeles.
- Fred Sanford: Yeah they can walk in Los Angeles, but they'll still be running in Watts.
- Lamont Sanford: [on the phone with his employer] What do you mean what am I doing home? I already worked an hour and a half overtime for you. Did you expect me to unload all those bath tubs by myself? I don't get that. Of course I want the j... But I... WHAT? Well you're a *white* one!
- [hangs up]
- Fred Sanford: [singing] I'm Popeye the Sailor Man/I'm Popeye the Sailor Man/I like to go swimmin'/With bowlegged women/I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
- [Fred has fallen asleep while writing out his will. Lamont goes beside of Fred, which wakes him]
- Fred Sanford: And the tall dummy I see before me, I leave to the San Francisco Zoo!
- [Julio has been robbed overnight, and Fred saw the robbers but is refusing to cooperate]
- Officer Smith: Mr. Sanford, by turning these men in, you give them the opportunity to be rehabilitated.
- Fred Sanford: Yeah, but that'll give them the opportunity to have me decapitated!