- Betty Smith: Do you think Romeo and Juliet had pre-marital relations?
- Mr. Drewcolt: Only in the Des Moines company.
- Mr. Morality: You're a good man. When you see a good man, think about emulating him. When you see a bad man, examine your own heart. Confucius.
- Mayor Gilchrist: I'm not against the colored. No Klan feeling here. We've got a few Catholic families in town. We're broad-minded. It's not that. There's even a Hebrew family.
- Mr. Morality: Nothing on earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment. Nietzsche.
- Walter Hale: Now, ladies and gentlemen, a legend in his own time. To talk to you on immorality, the immortal Mr. Morality.
- Mr. Morality: "They do not fret and whine about their condition. They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins. Not one of them is demented with the mania of owning things." Now I ask you, ladies and gentlemen, are we truly less than the animals, as Whitman feels, or can we be more? Can we stop our complaining and crank our new life starter and try to begin afresh? I say start afresh!
- Mr. Morality: We can all change. Change is one thing that is certain besides death. What you have been is of little significance. What you are is the essence.
- Johnny: You're not acting like a boss, boss. But you are, in truth, the boss. If you were acting like a boss, you would tell her what you, the boss, would like her, who happens to be just an employee, to do.
- Mr. Morality: You're a mighty good man! Good men are the stars, the planets of the ages...... wherein they live and illustrate their time. Jonson. Without an H.
- Mr. Morality: Hemingway, who only last year wrote that incredible novel about postwar disillusion, "The Sun Also Rises," who said, "So far, about morals, I only know that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after."
- Johnny: Look at that.
- Walter Hale: Not bad. Not bad at all.
- Johnny: I mean the tent.
- Walter Hale: What about the tent?
- Johnny: It's empty. And that is the way it's gonna stay. Unless you do something about this problem we got with Miss American Labor. She's giving you a lot of appus-crappus.
- Betty: Excuse me, could I get tickets to both the French cooking and the cannibalism lecture this afternoon? You see, I'm interested in all kinds of cooking.
- Harrison Wilby: What's the snotty look for? Now, come on, what's the look for? It's dirty thoughts, kiddo. That's why you have pimples.
- Johnny: What have I got to have a real smile about?
- Betty: You don't have anything in your eye, you don't have an earache or a cold in your nose, you don't have pimples...
- Johnny: And I don't have a standby pianist either.
- Betty: What's that?
- Johnny: Well. Well, a standby pianist is a kind of pianist who stands by for the regular pianist in case the regular pianist is not available to stand by.
- Betty: Oh, I thought it was something dirty, the way you said it.
- Harrison Wilby: This is the third time today I've caught you eating. Yesterday you had four double hamburgers, two chocolate malts, four phosphates, three pies and a banana split. Now, you're not gonna eat me out of business. Because from now on, I'm gonna take inventory around here twice a day. And when I do, I'm gonna count every hamburger patty.
- Mr. Morality: You're a safe driver. I felt very secure with you. Out of this nettle danger, we pluck this flower safely.
- Betty: Shakespeare!
- Mr. Morality: You're not only handsome, you're bright.
- Charlene: You're not gonna get away with it.
- Walter Hale: Get away with what, Toots?
- Charlene: Oh, don't you "Toots" me.
- Walter Hale: Relations between negotiating parties can be better served by what is sometimes called "getting into bed with each other."
- Charlene: What is your proposi - ? I mean, what do you propose?
- Charlene: I am on a break now and do I have to talk to you?
- Walter Hale: Good. Let's go to my place.
- Charlene: Oh, no. This is business talk. Don't make it sound like pillow talk.
- Nita Bix: Don't.
- Harrison Wilby: Just for a little while.
- Nita Bix: No!
- Harrison Wilby: Come on, let me...
- Nita Bix: Don't! Stop it!
- Harrison Wilby: I swear to you, you brush me like this and I'll tell your kid about us. Now, how would you like that?
- Nita Bix: I'd kill you if you did.
- Harrison Wilby: You're kidding.
- Nita Bix: I'm not.
- Harrison Wilby: I tell you what. I'll pay you.
- Nita Bix: What?
- Harrison Wilby: That's right. I'll start paying you.
- Nita Bix: Pay me?
- Maude: Goose fat! Geese are the worst animals in the world. Nothing they have to give is good for anything. I suppose some of you are wondering why I didn't notice that I was being covered with goose fat. Well, it wasn't my job. Plus, it was cold! Plus, I had goose flesh about this whole thing right from the beginning. Plus, when I set out for France I was so busy trying to figure out what direction France was in that I didn't notice that they were covering me with goose fat! A lesson learned. Anyway, those of you that are planning on your longer dips now, believe me, axle grease may be a little hard to get off but it gives you much better protection than your inferior animal fats.
- Constable: You wouldn't think you'd let a palooka like this into Chautauqua. Everybody that's ever played in his old card game knows he's a palooka - trying to put it over on the rubes. Snotty big-city kid. Gonna get to be a fat cat, going from town to town in the Bible belt. Yeah, really hang it on us. Well, we'll see, kiddo.
- Nita Bix: What chance do I have? I'm here in Radford Center. Period. And all you can do is sit. Maybe it would be different if it were Davenport or Jasper or Keokuk or even, say, Decatur. You're there, you know. Period. I mean, who's got a chance?
- Rutgers: You examine the funnies, you'll see how much more they say than anyone thinks they're saying. They're saying something that's today!
- Charlene: Just took one look at him and you knew he was the kind of guy who enjoyed picking the wings off of people.
- Charlene: [to Johnny] If it's not true and Hale is the lying, conniving charlatan I think he is then - then every nickel you've collected will be impounded and so will all the equipment and you're all in the pokey for fraud. Now, how does that sound? Hmm? You think about it, Smiley.
- [to Walter, hiding in the closet]
- Charlene: You too, Rasputin.
- Johnny: "Kind of killer"? You mean there are kinds? There are good killers and bad killers? The ones you love and the ones you hate? A killer you kind of like a lot, but you wouldn't want your sister to marry?
- Walter Hale: Why don't we just forget the whole thing and you go get on the train, huh, Toots?
- Charlene: Now, there you go "Toots-ing" me again!
- [last lines]
- Narrator: Chautauqua's gone now. But something has endured, something more than a memory; because, no one who ever saw a Chautauqua will ever forget its excitement, its fun, its joy. In its time, it was the most American thing about America and we're not saying that. President Theodore Roosevelt said it. Nowadays, we just say it was: The End.
- Walter Hale: [singing] We almost shared a dream, We almost made it as a team, How nice it would have been, We almost touched the stars, And there stood Heaven almost ours, But we were just outsiders looking in...
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By what name was The Trouble with Girls (1969) officially released in India in English?
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