- Garage Manager: You must have shot an awful lot of tigers, sir.
- Charlie Croker: Yes, I used a machine gun.
- Charlie Croker: It's a very difficult job and the only way to get through it is we all work together as a team. And that means you do everything I say.
- Keats: They say he's going to do a job in Italy.
- Mr. Bridger: Well, I hope he likes spaghetti. They serve it four times a day in the Italian prisons.
- 'Camp' Freddie: Maybe the Professor's not bent.
- Mr. Bridger: Camp Freddie, everybody in the *world* is bent!
- Charlie Croker: You'll be making a grave error if you kill us. There are a quarter of a million Italians in Britain and they'll be made to suffer. Every restaurant, cafe, ice-cream parlor, gambling den and nightclub in London, Liverpool and Glasgow - will be smashed. Mr. Bridger will drive them into the sea.
- Mr. Bridger: We've come here to pay our respects to Great Aunt Nellie. She brought us up properly and taught us loyalty. Now I want you to remember that during these next few days. I also want you to remember that if you don't come back with the goods, Nellie here will turn in her grave, and, likely as not, jump right out of it and kick your teeth in.
- [Lorna picks Charlie up from prison]
- Charlie Croker: This car belongs to the Pakistani ambassador!
- Lorna: It does?
- Charlie Croker: Typical, isn't it? I've been out of jail five minutes, and already I'm in a hot car.
- Lorna: Charlie, I just wanted you to come out in style, baby.
- Miss Peach: [Camp Freddy has one of Miss Peach's cats on his lap] I shouldn't let her do that, dear. Gives them ideas.
- Charlie Croker: What's the matter.
- Yellow: He says he wants to sit up in front with the driver!
- Coco: I always get sick in the back.
- Yellow: Listen, if I go in the back, I'll get me migraine, I'll be out like a light.
- Charlie Croker: You are not going to be sick. You are not going to have your migraine. And everybody is gonna sit in the back of the motor!
- Arthur: Charlie, me in the back of the motor with my asthma?
- Dominic: Shouldn't we synchronise our watches?
- Charlie Croker: Nuts to your watches! You just be at the Piazza at a quarter to...
- Charlie Croker: Wait till you see them Italian birds.
- Professor Simon Peach: Are they big? I like them big.
- 'Camp' Freddie: They're enormous.
- Professor Simon Peach: Really?
- 'Camp' Freddie: Very, very, very big.
- Mr. Bridger: I noticed that some of that young mob in E Block are not standing for attention while the National Anthem is played at the end of the nightly TV. Tell them to do so, otherwise, they will incur my displeasure.
- Miss Peach: Yes, well, not to put a too fine point to it, he was discovered - in the lounge.
- Charlie Croker: Eh, doing what, Miss Peach?
- Miss Peach: Where?
- Charlie Croker: In the, eh, lounge.
- Miss Peach: Oh, yes, he was doing it. Yes.
- Charlie Croker: What?
- Miss Peach: Oh. Well, something quite obscene. With Annette.
- Charlie Croker: [puzzled] A net?
- Miss Peach: Annette. She was terrified, of course.
- Charlie Croker: Naturally.
- Charlie Croker: Bill?
- Bill Bailey: Yes, Charlie?
- Charlie Croker: Bill!
- Bill Bailey: Yes, Charlie?
- Charlie Croker: Burn this for me, will 'ya?
- Bill Bailey: Yes, Charlie.
- Charlie Croker: Oh, Bill?
- Bill Bailey: Yes, Charlie?
- Charlie Croker: Get rid of this, lot.
- Bill Bailey: Yes, Charlie.
- Lorna: [after hearing a rapid knock at the door] It's the Law, Charlie!
- Charlie Croker: What you tell 'em?
- Lorna: Charlie, would I tell them anything?
- Charlie Croker: ...Yes you would.
- Tailor: Very elegant, sir; though I do believe you've gained a little weight.
- Charlie Croker: Yes, well, uh, I've been in America, you see. It's the, uh, bread in the hamburger.
- Tailor: Is that so?
- Charlie Croker: Yes.
- Tailor: Well, I'm glad you're out - I mean back.
- Charlie Croker: Why didn't you come and see me when I was inside, then?
- Lorna: Charlie, you know that's not my scene. I mean, can you see me sitting there holding your hands across the table, with those weeping wives around with their howling kids - and then the guards lookin' at me as if I've got something hidden up my dress.
- Mr. Bridger: You are not doing your job properly. Her Majesty's prison is there not only to keep people from getting out, but to prevent people from getting in. You are symptomatic of the lazy, unimaginative management which is driving this country on the rocks!
- Charlie Croker: Freddie, this job is big.
- 'Camp' Freddie: Charlie, you wouldn't even know how to spell big.
- Charlie Croker: B-l-G. Big.
- Charlie Croker: Mr Bridger, this is important. Four million dollars. Europe. The Common Market. Italy. The FIAT car factory.
- Mr. Bridger: Last night, Mr. Governor, my toilet was broken into.
- Governor: Toilet?
- Mr. Bridger: Toilet.
- Governor: Broken into?
- Mr. Bridger: Broken into.
- Governor: Well, I'm - terribly sorry.
- Mr. Bridger: There are some places which, to an Englishman, are sacred.
- Governor: Well, I've apologized, Bridger.
- Mr. Bridger: And so you should have.
- Keats: Sir, I've got you the two volumes of the 'Anglo-American Trade' and UK Balance of Payments 1966 and 1967. And, I've also brought you 'The Illustrated London News', sir.
- Mr. Bridger: For why, Keats, for why?
- Keats: There's a picture of the Queen's in it, sir.
- Mr. Bridger: Hmm. That's good of you.
- Mr. Bridger: I want Charlie Croker given a good going-over.
- Keats: Yes, Mr Bridger.
- Mr. Bridger: Get the word out to Camp Freddie.
- Keats: Yes, Mr Bridger.
- Mr. Bridger: I don't want him killed. Just given a good going-over.
- Charlie Croker: Professor Peach, do you see what I'm getting at?
- Professor Simon Peach: Your brawn, my brain. I'm not stupid, you know.
- Professor Simon Peach: Would we, eh, wear stockings over our heads?
- Charlie Croker: Oh, no need for you to.
- Professor Simon Peach: Oh. I'd like that. I could steal one of Matron's, couldn't I?
- Professor Simon Peach: I wouldn't want to get Matron into trouble. Not that way, anyway! She's big. Big!
- Professor Simon Peach: The flagpole in the yard. I mean, I know, if there was a convex mirror up there, 27 degrees vertical, 42 degrees horizontal, I could see straight into Matron's bedroom! Of course, somebody else would have to be up the pole to fix it. I couldn't do it me self. It's cooperation, you see? She's a big woman, you know.
- Altabani's cousin: May I raise my glass to Signor Altabani and his most beautiful wife, to thank him for his hospitality. And to congratulate him on the way he handled the English mob this morning.
- Altabani: Don't be too sure about the English, cousin.
- Altabani's cousin: They wouldn't dare.
- Altabani: They are not so stupid as they look.
- Roger: It is a work of genius. Just think of it. A city in chaos, a smash-and-grab raid ,and four million dollars through a traffic jam.
- Charlie Croker: I haven't been in this car for so long.
- Garage Manager: Yes, I gather you've been in India for about two years, sir.
- Charlie Croker: Yes, shooting tigers.
- Garage Manager: Oh, really? That's splendid.
- Charlie Croker: I can always take it to the Americans. They're people who - recognize young talent, give it a chance, they are.
- Charlie Croker: You can't be too careful. Is there a toilet here?
- Bill Bailey: If you can call it that. It's out the back.
- Charlie Croker: Yeah, well, wash the handle and the seat. I don't want any prints on that, either.
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