The Absent Minded Professor (1961)

Elliott Reid: Professor Shelby Ashton

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Prof. Brainard has repeatedly slammed his Flubberized Model T down on Prof. Ashton's car roof while in motion, causing to go out of control and crash into a police car] 

  Prof. Shelby Ashton : [as he and the two officers get out of their crashed cars]  Officer! Help me! It's after me! Help me!

  Officer Hanson : [his face and suit covered in hot coffee thanks to the crash]  I do hope that you will excuse my appearance, but I was just having a cup of *boiling hot coffee*.

  Prof. Shelby Ashton : But it's after me!

  Officer Hanson : What's after you?

  Prof. Shelby Ashton : I don't know, some kind of a... thing!

  Officer Hanson : A thing? Can you describe it?

  Prof. Shelby Ashton : I don't know. I didn't see it. But it flies. And it made a noise, like, uh, "Aaa-OOO-gah! Aaa-OOO-gah!" And then it banged down on the top of my car! BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! And when I looked, there wasn't anything there!

  Officer Hanson : Oh, that kind of a thing.

  [holds up a balloon] 

  Officer Hanson : Well, now, suppose you blow into this little thing, and we'll see if we can't find where it came from, okay?

  Prof. Shelby Ashton : Well, do something! It's probably lurking out there in the dark right now, ready to spring! Go on!

• [at the basketball game] 

  Betsy Carlisle : Oh, if Biff Hawk were only playing tonight.

  Prof. Shelby Ashton : Ah, yes, yes. I heard he was ineligible.

  [tauntingly to Brainard] 

  Prof. Shelby Ashton : Now, I wonder who could've flunked your star player? We're much more realistic about things like that at Rutland.

  Prof. Ned Brainard : So I hear. I understand you pay your basketball players more than you do your English teachers.

  Prof. Shelby Ashton : [offended]  That's ridiculous! I get twice as much as...

  [embarrassed, realizing Brainard's right] 

  Prof. Shelby Ashton : I really don't care to discuss it.

• [after having witnessed Ned Brainard be humiliated with the wrong Model T] 

  Prof. Shelby Ashton : Well, I think we've cleared the air on one important point.

  Betsy Carlisle : What's that?

  Prof. Shelby Ashton : With what's happened, I'm sure there's no longer any doubt about you and Ned Brainard.

  Betsy Carlisle : No. None whatsoever.

  Prof. Shelby Ashton : As the Bard says, "That he is mad, 'tis true, "'tis true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis 'tis true."

  Betsy Carlisle : Oh, shut up!

  [Betsy storms off] 

  Prof. Shelby Ashton : [beat]  Well, if that's how she feels about Shakespeare.