- Capt. Spaulding: [Speaking directly at the camera] Well, all the jokes can't be good. You've got to expect that once in awhile.
- Capt. Spaulding: Signor Ravelli's first selection will be "Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping" with a male chorus.
- Capt. Spaulding: One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not so easy to say. Tusks. You try it some time.
- Roscoe Chandler: Oh, simple: "tusks."
- Capt. Spaulding: [shakes Chandler's hand] My name is Spaulding. I've always wanted to meet you, Mr. Chandler. As I say, we tried to remove the tusks. But they were embedded so firmly we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that is entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about.
- Capt. Spaulding: Why, you've got beauty, charm, money! You *have* got money, haven't you? Because if you haven't, we can quit right now.
- Capt. Spaulding: How much would you charge to run into an open manhole?
- Ravelli: Just the cover charge.
- Capt. Spaulding: Well, drop in sometime.
- Ravelli: Sewer.
- Capt. Spaulding: Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.
- Ravelli: [while Ravelli is playing the same piano part over and over] Say, if you get near a song, play it!
- Ravelli: I can't think of the finish.
- Capt. Spaulding: That's strange and I can't think of anything else.
- Ravelli: You know what I think, I think I went past it.
- Capt. Spaulding: Well, if you come around again, jump off.
- Capt. Spaulding: [Describing his trip to Africa] We took some pictures of the native girls; but, they weren't developed. But, we're going back again in a coupla weeks.
- Capt. Spaulding: Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west, and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
- [Spaulding has repeatedly told Jamison to take a letter to Spaulding's lawyers, but he has kept interrupting himself]
- Capt. Spaulding: I say, take a letter to my lawyers!
- Horatio Jamison: Well I am taking it!
- [long pause, as nothing has yet been written]
- Capt. Spaulding: Honorable Charles H., uh, Hungerdunger, care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick... semicolon.
- Horatio Jamison: How do you spell semicolon?
- Capt. Spaulding: All right, make it a comma.
- [pause]
- Capt. Spaulding: Honorable Charles. H. Hungerdunger, care of Hunger...
- [rushes through the repetition]
- Capt. Spaulding: ... and McCormick.
- [pause]
- Capt. Spaulding: Gentlemen, question mark?
- [grunts]
- Horatio Jamison: Do you want that, uh,
- [grunt]
- Horatio Jamison: in the letter?
- Capt. Spaulding: No, put that in an envelope.
- [pause]
- Capt. Spaulding: Now then. In re yours of the fifth inst., yours to hand and beg to rep... brackets...
- [pause]
- Capt. Spaulding: ... We have gone over the ground carefully, and we seem to believe, i.e., to wit, e.g., in lieu, that, uh, despite all our... precautionary measures which have been involved...
- [pause]
- Capt. Spaulding: ... uh, we seem to believe that it is hardly necessary for us to proceed unless we, uh, receive an ipso facto that is not negligible at this moment, quotes, unquotes, and quotes...
- [pause]
- Capt. Spaulding: ... uh, hoping this finds you, I beg to remain...
- Horatio Jamison: [interrupting] Hoping this finds him where?
- Capt. Spaulding: Well, let him worry about that. Don't be so inquisitive, Jamison.
- [insultingly]
- Capt. Spaulding: Sneak.
- [pause]
- Capt. Spaulding: I say, hoping this finds you, I beg to remain, as of June 9th, cordially yours, regards. That's all, Jamison.
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: Captain, this leaves me speechless.
- Capt. Spaulding: Well, see that you remain that way.
- Capt. Spaulding: I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather. Think! Think of the honeymoon! Strictly private. I wouldn't let another woman in on this. Well, maybe one or two. But, no men! I may not go myself.
- [to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead]
- Capt. Spaulding: You know, you two girls have everything. You're tall and short and slim and stout and blonde and brunette. And that's just the kind of a girl I crave.
- Capt. Spaulding: Now read me the letter, Jamison.
- Horatio Jamison: [reading] "Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga..."
- Capt. Spaulding: [correcting him] Hungerdunger.
- [they say the "hung" syllable in unison]
- Capt. Spaulding: Hoong.
- Horatio Jamison: Hungerdunger.
- Capt. Spaulding: That's it, Hungerdunger.
- Horatio Jamison: [continues reading] "... care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick."
- Capt. Spaulding: You've left out a Hungerdunger. You left out the main one, too. Thought you could slip one over on me, didn't you, eh?
- [pause]
- Capt. Spaulding: All right, leave it out and put in a windshield wiper instead.
- [Jamison nods and writes]
- Capt. Spaulding: I tell you what you do, Jamison, I tell you what. Make it, uh, make it three windshield wipers and one Hungerdunger. They won't all be there when the letter arrives anyhow.
- Horatio Jamison: [rushes quickly through what he's just written] "... Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger... and McCormick."
- Capt. Spaulding: And McCormick.
- Horatio Jamison: [reading] "Gentlemen, question mark."
- Capt. Spaulding: [correcting him] Gentlemen, question mark? Put it on the penultimate, not on the diphthongic. You wanna brush up on your Greek, Jamison. Well, get a Greek and brush up on him.
- Horatio Jamison: [reading] "In re yours of the fifth inst..."
- Capt. Spaulding: I see.
- Horatio Jamison: Now, uh... you said a lot of things here that I didn't think were important, so I just omitted them.
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: Well!
- Capt. Spaulding: Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
- [suddenly tries to hit Jamison with his switch, but misses; he falls]
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: [helps Spaulding up] Oh, Captain! Good gracious! Oh, my.
- Capt. Spaulding: [to Jamison] So, you just omitted them, eh? You just omitted the body of the letter, that's all. You've just left out the body of the letter, that's all. Yours is not to reason why, Jamison. You've left out the body of the letter.
- [pause]
- Capt. Spaulding: All right, send it that way and tell them the body will follow.
- [swings his switch indignantly]
- Horatio Jamison: Do you want the body in brackets?
- Capt. Spaulding: No, it'll never get there in brackets. Put it in a box. Put it in a box and mark it, uh..."fragilly."
- Horatio Jamison: Mark it what?
- Capt. Spaulding: Mark it fragilly. F-R-A-G... Look it up, Jamison, it's in the dictionary. Look under "fragile." Look under the table if you don't find it there.
- [Jamison finishes reading the letter that Spaulding dictated to him]
- Horatio Jamison: [reading] "Quotes, unquotes, and quotes."
- Capt. Spaulding: That's three quotes?
- Horatio Jamison: Yes, sir.
- Capt. Spaulding: Add another quote and make it a gallon. How much is it a gallon, Jamison?
- Horatio Jamison: Regards.
- Capt. Spaulding: Regards. That's a fine letter, Jamison, that's an epic. That's dandy. Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of that letter and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away. Just send a stamp, airmail, that's all. You may go, Jamison. I may go too.
- Capt. Spaulding: [to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead] What do you say, girls? What do you say? Are we all going to get married?
- Mrs. Whitehead: All of us?
- Capt. Spaulding: All of us!
- Mrs. Whitehead: But, that's bigamy!
- Capt. Spaulding: Yes, and it's big of me too.
- Capt. Spaulding: Living with your folks... living with your folks... the beginning of the end... drab, dead yesterdays shutting out beautiful tomorrows... hideous, stumbling footsteps creaking along the misty corridors of time... and in those corridors I see figures... straaange figures... weeeird figures: Steel 186, Anaconda 74, American Can 138.
- Ravelli: [asking Roscoe Chandler about his new identity] How did you get to be Roscoe W. Chandler?
- Roscoe Chandler: Say, how did you get to be an Italian?
- Ravelli: Never mind that, whose confession is this?
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: Oh, Captain Spaulding...
- Capt. Spaulding: I'll attend to you later.
- [turns back to the litter-bearers]
- Capt. Spaulding: Don't try and pull that...
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: Oh, Captain Spaulding...
- Capt. Spaulding: [she finally succeeds in getting his attention] Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've *ever* seen, and that's not saying much for you.
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: Captain Spaulding, Rittenhouse Manor is entirely at your disposal.
- Capt. Spaulding: Well, I'm certainly grateful for this magnificent washout - er, turnout. And now I'd like to say a few words.
- [sings]
- Capt. Spaulding: Hello, I must be going/I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going/I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going, la-la!
- [Tries to leave, the guests stop him]
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: [sings] For my sake, you must stay/If you should go away/You'd spoil this party I am throwing.
- Capt. Spaulding: [sings] I'll stay a week or two/I'll stay the summer through/But I am telling you/I must be going
- Capt. Spaulding: I used to know a fellow who looked exactly like you by the name of Emanuel Ravelli. Are you his brother?
- Ravelli: I am Emanuel Ravelli.
- Capt. Spaulding: You're Emanuel Ravelli?
- Ravelli: I am Emanuel Ravelli.
- Capt. Spaulding: Well, no wonder you look like him. But I still insist there is a resemblance.
- Ravelli: Heh, heh, he thinks I look alike.
- Capt. Spaulding: Well, if you do, it's a tough break for both of you.
- Capt. Spaulding: [During a "Strange Interlude" monologue] Here I am talking of parties. I came down here for a party. What happens? Nothing. Not even ice cream. The gods look down and laugh. This would be a better world for children, if the parents had to eat the spinach.
- Capt. Spaulding: If I were Eugene O'Neill, I could tell you what I really think of you two. You know, you're very fortunate the Theatre Guild isn't putting this on. And so is the Guild! Pardon me while I have a "Strange Interlude".
- [Walks forward, speaks directly to the camera]
- Capt. Spaulding: Why you, couple of baboons. What make you think I'd marry either one of you. Strange how the wind blows tonight.
- Capt. Spaulding: Say, how long has this been going on? Let's change the subject. Take the foreign situation. Take Abyssinia. I'll tell you, you take Abyssinia and I'll take a hot butterscotch sundae on rye bread.
- Roscoe Chandler: Now tell me, Capt. Spaulding, you've been quite a traveler. What do you think about South America? I'm going there soon.
- Capt. Spaulding: Is that so! Where're you going?
- Roscoe Chandler: Uruguay.
- Capt. Spaulding: Well, you go Uruguay and I'll go mine.
- Capt. Spaulding: Tell me, what do you think of the traffic problem? What do you think of the marriage problem? What do you think of at night when you go to bed, you beast?
- Capt. Spaulding: Play that song about the Irish chiropodist.
- Ravelli: Irish chiropodist?
- Capt. Spaulding: "My Fate Is In Your Hands".
- Guests: Hooray for Captain Spaulding, the African explorer!
- Capt. Spaulding: Did someone call me schnorrer?
- Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray!
- Horatio Jamison: He went into the jungle where all the monkeys throw nuts.
- Capt. Spaulding: If I stay here, I'll go nuts.
- Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray! He put all his reliance / In courage and defiance / And risked his life for science.
- Capt. Spaulding: Hey, hey!
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: He is the only white man who covered every acre...
- Capt. Spaulding: I think I'll try and make her...
- Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray!
- Capt. Spaulding: Oh, Hives! Hives! Where are you? Turn on the lights.
- Capt. Spaulding: Mrs. Rittenhouse, did you lose that fish again?
- Capt. Spaulding: We three would make an ideal couple. Why you've got beauty, charm, money! You have got money, haven't you? Because if you haven't, we can quit right now.
- Mrs. Whitehead: The captain is charming, isn't he?
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: I'm fascinated!
- Capt. Spaulding: I'm fascinated, too. Right on the arm.
- Capt. Spaulding: [Describing his trip to Africa] The elks, on the other hand, live up in the hills. And in the spring, they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole. And you should see them run when they find it is only a water hole! What they're looking for is an alcohol.
- Capt. Spaulding: The crooks! The crooks! They're escaping. Follow me men! Never mind the men, just the women!
- Capt. Spaulding: Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard when the lights are against you.
- Ravelli: Well, I tell ya Capt., you see, my idea of a house is something nice and a small and comfortable.
- Capt. Spaulding: That's the way I feel about it. I don't want anything elaborate. Just a little place that I can call home and tell the wife I won't be there for dinner.
- Capt. Spaulding: One morning, I was sitting in front of the cabin, smoking some meat, when...
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: Smoking some meat?
- Capt. Spaulding: Yes. There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood.
- Arabella Rittenhouse: May I present Mr. Parker.
- Mrs. Whitehead: Oh, of the, eh, Massachusetts Parkers?
- John Parker: Why, no.
- Mrs. Whitehead: Oh, then the, eh, Southern Parkers?
- Arabella Rittenhouse: Oh, no, the Central Parkers. You know, the, eh, benches and trees.
- Mrs. Whitehead: I see!
- [Mrs. Whitehead leaves]
- Arabella Rittenhouse: Meow! Oh, I don't like that woman!
- John Parker: Do you really love me?
- Arabella Rittenhouse: Why don't you marry me and find out.
- John Parker: Marry you? Heh! On what! Last year I sold two paintings. One at a hundred and one at fifty. Could we live on a hundred and fifty dollars a year?
- Arabella Rittenhouse: Well, we wouldn't need any money. I've got a charge account in every shop on Fifth Avenue.
- John Parker: Well, if I had any brains, I'd give up painting and get a regular job. You know, I had a cousin who made $50,000 on Wall Street last year.
- Arabella Rittenhouse: I don't want to marry your cousin. I'm a darn fool. I want to marry you.
- Capt. Spaulding: Something has been throbbing within me. Oh, it's been beating like the incessant tom-tom in the primitive jungle. Something that I must ask you.
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: What is it, Capt.?
- Capt. Spaulding: Would you wash out a pair of socks for me?
- Capt. Spaulding: [On his knees] I love you, that's all. I love you. I've always thought of you.
- [In walks Mrs. Whitehead]
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: Capt., Mrs. Whitehead.
- Mrs. Whitehead: I beg your pardon? I beg your pardon? Am I intruding?
- Capt. Spaulding: Are you intruding? Just when I had her on the five yard line.
- Roscoe Chandler: Now, please, Chandler is my name. Roscoe W. Chandler.
- Ravelli: Yeah, but I don't care about the name. You see, some place I met you before; because, your face is a very familiar. Now, wait, let me see. Were you ever in Sing-Sing?
- Ravelli: How 'bout playing some bridge? You play bridge?
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: I play bridge a little.
- Ravelli: What do you play for?
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: Oh, we just play for small stakes.
- Ravelli: And French fry potatoes?
- Roscoe Chandler: Hooray for Capt. Spaulding! Three cheers for Capt. Spaulding! Three cheers for Capt. Spaulding! Three cheers...
- [Harpo arrives with three chairs]
- Mrs. Rittenhouse: No one asked for the chairs. Put them right were you found them. Now, get out.
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