November 8, 2024 • 25 mins
Are you open to just being friends with an ex?
Do you think they want the same kind of friendship?
Today, Jay’s diving into a question we've all probably wrestled with at some point: can you really stay friends with an ex? He kicks things off by laying down some ground rules, pointing out that not every ex is friendship material, especially if there was any toxicity or harm in the relationship. For those open to trying a platonic bond post-breakup, he highlights the real-life complexities and the level of emotional maturity it takes to make it work.
Jay also brings in some interesting science, sharing that studies show people stay connected with their exes for reasons like security, convenience, keeping things civil, or even unresolved feelings. But each of these reasons can get messy, and Jay explains that often, the urge to stay friends might have more to do with wanting a sense of safety or familiarity than with genuine friendship.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Decide if an Ex Deserves Friendship
How to Set Boundaries with an Ex
How to Manage Shared Friends Post-Breakup
How to Avoid Using Friendship to Win Them Back
How to Avoid Hurting Your Ex Twice
Sometimes, the boldest and most courageous thing you can do is to walk away, taking the lessons with you and leaving the rest behind. Focus on what makes you feel good and helps you build the life you truly want.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
00:52 Not Every Ex Deserves Friendship
04:36 Four Core Reasons People Stay Friends with Their Exes
09:30 Four Ways to Know Being Friends with an Ex Won’t Work
13:52 How to Start Being Friends with an Ex?
18:33 Friends and Family Can be Casualties of a Breakup
21:41 Establish New Rules of Engagement
22:50 Consider the Welfare of Children
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
If you're wanting civility with someone who's wanting intimacy, it
doesn't work. If you're wanting civility with someone who wants drama,
it doesn't work. And I know you know who I'm
talking about, right. You know you've tried in situations to
be the civil one, to be the peaceful one, to
be the conscious one. But because they didn't want that,
(00:21):
and they didn't want that from you, and they didn't
want to mirror that, it didn't work out that way.
The Number one Health and Wellness Podcast, Jay Setty Jay Shetty,
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host,
Jay Shetty. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'm
(00:41):
so grateful that you've decided to reconnect, whether you're hiking, walking,
walking your dog, cooking, driving to or from work. Thank
you so much for being here. I was speaking to
her friend the other day and she asked me this question.
She said to me, can you be friends with your ex?
(01:01):
And my response was who are you talking to? And
it's one of these questions that I get asked a lot.
And when this particular friend asked me this question, there
was a part of me that was worried, but there
was a part of me that was open, and I
think it's because for years my quick response has been no,
(01:23):
not really. And then I realized how different this question
was for people who had kids together, for people who
had shared friends together. There were different versions of it,
and I think often we can discount or dismiss the
opportunity without recognizing the factors. So I thought it was
(01:44):
important to do an episode about it because I think
it's a lot more complex and subtle than we often
give it credit for. Now, before we even get started,
there are grounds for not being friends. Before exploring this question,
I want to establish some ground rule. Not every X
deserves friendship. Did your relationship end in a peaceful manner?
(02:07):
Did your ex treat you well? Are they dangerous, volatile,
or toxic and an untrustworthy person? Were you ever mistreated
or did you ever feel unsafe? Were you disrespected or
taken advantage of emotionally, sexually, or financially? Were you lied
to or cheated on? If any of these things are true,
(02:28):
I would avoid even considering becoming friends with your ex.
But assuming things ended kind of mutually and acceptably or
as well as possible, considering you did call it quits.
Here's a rule of thumb. You're more likely to be
friends with an ex if you and your ex had
(02:49):
a nice breakup. But here's the thing, it will still
always be complicated even if things ended well. Understand that
becoming friends than X is a tricky, landmind filled journey.
How could it not be? I mean, romantic relationships usually
have their origins in friendship before they evolve into something deeper.
(03:13):
You're now asking two people to maintain the friendship part
of their relationship minus the romantic or sexual angle. But
it's not as simple as going back to the friendship
origins of your relationship. Friendship, companionship, and above all, trust
are all core elements of romantic love. Ensuring you know
the difference is one of the primary challenges of becoming
(03:37):
friends with your ex. I was on the Talk the
other day at Today's show in LA and they asked
me this question as well, and what came out for
me was emotional maturity and romantic clarity. Emotional maturity, do
you both have enough maturity to not be envious when
(03:57):
you see the other person with another person? Do you
both have enough emotional maturity to let the other become
who they want to be, not who you wanted them
to be. And romantic clarity. Are you both truly aware
of the boundaries that now exist physically, sexually, and in
(04:19):
terms of intimacy or is one of you secretly hoping
that you'll be able to make something happen when the
other person's guards down. All of these lead to a
lack of trust. They lead to a lack of stability
in a friendship or in a relationship. Now here's what
the science says about becoming friends with your exes. A
(04:41):
twenty seventeen research study shows that people chose to stay
friends with their exes for four core reasons. The first
is security. They make us feel good and show us
that even in the wake of a breakup, our lives
haven't been completely turned upside down. Right. We're all looking
(05:03):
for security and safety, and our biggest concern, genuinely is
who am I going to call at seven pm tonight?
Wait a minute, who am I going to text? First
thing in the morning. All of those things we think
are emotional, and they are, but they're security based. It's
not necessarily love or romance. It's a sense of safety
and security which humans desire. So deeply, and often we
(05:27):
desire it so deeply that we stay in a situation
even if it's bad for us. We want to elongate
and extend something, even if it's unhealthy for us, because
it makes us feel falsely safe. Think about a time
in your life where you've stayed somewhere because it fooled
you into believing you were safe in one way or another.
(05:49):
So one of the reasons we stay is security. The
second reason is practicality. You like your ex, and your
ex likes you, and both of you value each other's
in your lives, and this is a sense of like
comfort or ease. So a lot of us are constantly
trying to move toward comfort and ease, the path of
(06:12):
least resistance. How many of you have stayed in a job,
a relationship, at a family gathering for far too long
because it was comfortable and it was easy, even though
it wasn't good for you. See, as humans, we almost
seem to lose our way. And it's interesting when you
think about the pursuit of purpose that we're all ultimately
(06:34):
challenged to go on. One of the reasons we don't
take it is because we're just looking for security and safety.
One of the reasons we don't take the pursuit of
purpose is because we're just looking for ease and comfort,
and it feels in the short term much easier to
do these options. And the truth is it is in
the short term, it just isn't in the long term.
(06:56):
And when it comes to a breakup, you just think, well,
if if we just stay friends, at least things are
still practical, not understanding the complexities that come with that.
The third reason that people want to stay friends with
their ex is civility, otherwise known as keeping the peace.
If you're walking down the street and you see your
ex coming your way, you don't want to have to
(07:18):
dart across the street to avoid having an awkward encounter. Right,
It's just normal. Again, the path of least resistance. How
do I create a world in which I have no
conflict and no tension and no stress. By the way,
I recommend that sometimes we create too much drama in
our life. Sometimes we basically are the directors of drama
(07:40):
in our life, almost like we're directing a dramatic, tragic movie,
and we just find everything to cause tension and stress.
So wanting civility is not a bad thing. I get it.
But often if you're wanting civility with someone who's wanting intimacy,
it doesn't work. If you're wanting civility with someone who
(08:01):
wants drama, it doesn't work. And I know you know
who I'm talking about, right, you know you've tried in
situations to be the civil one, to be the peaceful one,
to be the conscious one. But because they didn't want that,
and they didn't want that from you, and they didn't
want to mirror that, it didn't work out that way.
And the fourth reason, and by far the trickiest, has
(08:23):
to do with unresolved romantic desires. You still want to
be with this person. You haven't gotten over them yet,
you don't know if you ever will, And you're thinking
to yourself, if I stick around for long enough, they'll
come to their senses that I was the one, I
was the best one, and they'll finally realize what they're
missing out on. Right, I'm just going to convince them.
(08:45):
I'm just going to stick around long enough until they
change their mind. And I know I can do it, right,
I know I can do it now. That one's a
very very tricky one because we're almost kind of creating
an expectation without having that intention shared openly. And that's
a really interesting position to be, and I find a
(09:06):
lot of us have expectations without setting that intention. If
you have an expectation that you're going to get back
with someone and they've kind of told you, hey, this
is not happening, sure, you might be able to coax
persuade them for a day or two, but it's going
to be a hard battle. And because you're walking into
it with a preset expectation, you're setting yourself up for failure,
(09:27):
because you're setting yourself up to be let down. There's
four ways to know that you're not ready to resume
a friendship with your ex. The first one, your feelings
are strong and conflicted. In other words, you might still
have romantic feelings for your ex, or you're thinking about
(09:47):
your ex more than you'd like to, more than feels healthy.
If so, pause, hold off, and postpone any attempts at
establishing our friendship until those feelings simmeredar pass. You still
meet up occasionally. If your intent on establishing a friendship
with your ex. By definition, that means the two of
(10:09):
you are no longer romantically or sexually involved. If you are,
I don't have to tell you how complicated a factor
this is and how much more difficult it makes it
for you or your ex to move forward. Now. Number three,
you're secretly using friendship as a means to get back together.
This is probably the most common one, and you and
your ex broke up for a reason, probably more than
(10:31):
one reason, and using friendship to re establish a romance
doesn't address or solve those problems. Being friends with an
ex can trick you into thinking that you didn't really
break up, the whole thing was a dream and the
future will be different. It's important to be honest with
yourself and remember that your ex probably has the same
(10:52):
strong feelings. Remember that if you broke up with your ex,
that means something about your relationship wasn't working for you, you,
your ex, or both of you. If you're trying to
be friends because you secretly hope your renewed friendship will
lead to a renewed relationship, you may be holding on
to false hopes. Only try to be friends if you
(11:14):
can honestly live with the truth that the two of
you are no longer together. Now. The fourth reason is
you feel bad and hope that making a friendship is
a get out of jail free card. Now, maybe you
did the breaking up right. Maybe you're the one who
left them and now you're trying to I see this
with a lot of my male friends. But they'll break
(11:35):
up with someone and they'll be like, I don't want
to be the bad guy. I don't want to be
seen as the bad guy. I don't want to be
seen as that one. So I'm going to work hard
on building a friendship up because that way, at least
you won't hate me. And really, I'm like, well, you're
kind of making that person maybe hate you more in
the long term because you're doing it for all the
wrong reasons. Maybe you feel guilty and maybe you fell
(12:00):
in love with someone else. Maybe you've found someone else,
maybe you're moving on. So you have to ask yourself,
who does this friendship benefit? Am I doing it only
to make me feel better about myself? If so, don't
right think twice? Too many people try to stay friends
with their ex because they want to be seen as
(12:21):
a good person. You broke their heart, you found someone else,
you moved on, But you don't want to be seen
as a bad person, so you want to be friends
with them so that they see you as a good person.
And so you're only doing it to make yourself feel
better about yourself. You're not doing it because you truly
(12:42):
want to be friends with them, and that's only going
to hurt them more in the future. It might feel
good to you right now based on how you're perceived,
but not only your perception, how they feel and their
heart will be deeply hurt in the future. And I
think this hits very closely to why I partner it
up with Match. And what I really found was I
(13:05):
wanted to create a space where people could connect based
on their values. And this was really really important to
me because I feel that everything I'm saying here is
because we don't realize that our core values have such
a big impact in terms of long term success. If
(13:26):
you ignore core values, you're thinking in the next five months.
If you take on core values, you're living in the
next five years. And for anyone who's interested and invested
in building a long term, long lasting, powerful relationship, this
mindset is huge. Ninety three percent of Match members say
that shared core values are a crucial indicator of relationship success. Now,
(13:53):
let's imagine that your motives are pure, how do you
even start becoming friends with the next? So right, I'm
gonna I'm gonna imagine for a moment, say that you've
answered all these questions, you know, like I'm genuine. This
is where real I care about them. This is how
it's gonna have to work. The first thing is you
(14:14):
need to take time. Healing after a breakup takes a while.
It's rarely a question of ending a relationship. And two
weeks later meeting your ex for an fsent brunch down
the block and your X does too. And by the
time I'm not talking about and by time, I'm not
talking about a week, a month, or even three months.
Experts suggest allowing anywhere from six months to a year
(14:38):
before you even consider getting in touch with your ex.
And even then, don't assume that because you've allowed so
much time in your head to go by, that everything's
going to work out just fine. It may or may not,
But more about that in a bit. Time is just
another word for readiness, and readiness is another word for
recovery and self awareness. About it this way, you've just
(15:01):
lived through the death of a relationship. As with any death,
you need to give yourself the latitude and introspection to grieve,
adjust to a new identity, and begin moving forward. Let's
see if we can define what ready means, and the
best way to do that is by defining what it
doesn't mean. Ready doesn't mean you won't have contact with
(15:25):
your ex until you meet someone new and you can
show your ex how stupid they were, because how amazing
you are and how much better your life is now
that they're not a part of it. Ready means you've
been extraordinarily honest with yourself, that you can see things clearly,
that you've done the work necessary to move on, that
you have grieved the loss of your relationship and maintained
(15:47):
what was great about it and what you learned. Everything
I just said also goes for your ex. It's not
just about you. A friendship won't work unless both people
are honest and trust each other, not just over the
course of a single conversation, but as a prerequisite of
the renewal of your friendship with honesty as the foundation.
(16:09):
Here are some of the issues that may come up
for you and how that same honesty can help nip
them in the bud. Now. One of the first things
is unfinished business are you in your ex really in
the past. What are your motives in trying to become friends?
Are you trying to show him what he's missing? Do
you really want to know what's going on in her
life or even who your replacement might be. These are
(16:30):
all natural human responses after a breakup, But that does
a mean that can sustain a friendship. Be honest with
yourself and with your ex. Are the two of you
really through or do you find yourselves stalking them on
social media and playing music you associate with them and
that you used to play together. By the way, stop
doing that? Or is it that you're too cool for school?
(16:54):
Are you interested in re establishing a friendship with your
ex because it feels like the mature, grown up, calm
and kell thing to do. After all, being friends with
your ex communicates to everyone how much of an adult
you are, what a good person, how you're willing to
put the past behind you and separate love and desire
from friendship in a truly awesome, human evolved way. Well,
(17:15):
here's my advice to you. It's okay not to have
a grown up reaction to a breakup. It's okay to
acknowledge that it's just too difficult, that you need longer
than a year, and that you might not ever reach
a place in your life when you are in your
ex can be friends. I was speaking to a friend
the other day and he said, the day I moved
on for my ex was the day I admitted to
(17:36):
myself that I would never move on. Let me take
that again, they said, the day I moved on from
my ex was the day I admitted that I would
never move on. Accepting that I may never get over
them is what helped me move forward. Admitting to myself
that I'll probably always think about them is what allowed
(17:59):
me to stop thinking about them. Realizing that I may
never ever fully disconnect or detach from that relationship is
what really allowed me to let go. Think about that really,
really carefully. It's not pretending to move on. It's not
faking moving on. It's not making it up or doing
it because it looks good or people will respect you.
(18:22):
It's actually being honest with yourself and authentic with yourself.
And I get it. That's scary, it's hard, it's challenging,
but it's the truth. Now. Naturally, what we often do
is we wonder what others mutual friends, family, members might
think if you and your ex were a couple for
a long time, no doubt you're friends in common or
(18:44):
an established friend group, as well as a relationship with
each other's families. In the wake of a breakup, it's
inevitable that some of those friends will take sides detto
for family members for the sake of keeping the peace.
It's natural to want to maintain those friendships, to act
though nothing has changed, and that everyone, including you and
your ex, can still be buddies. After all, it's a
(19:06):
small town where people are bound to run into one another,
and you don't want any weirdness. As for family members,
you don't want their mom or their sister to think
badly of you. Maybe you have a close relationship with
the family that you don't want to give up. Unfortunately,
friends and family members can be casualties of a breakup.
Something big has happened, and your friends are coping with
(19:26):
the fallout. Two and I think this is the hard
part where almost your friends are acting like it's harder
for them than it is for you. If you've just
been through a breakup and you have mutual friends, and
your friends are making it out that this breakup is
harder for them than it's harder for you. Then those
are not your real friends. You need friends who recognize
that this loss is so deeply hard and difficult and
(19:49):
challenging for you that they're there for you regardless of
how it affects them, because while they are affected, you're
the one who's going through the most of it. And
I just really want to put that out there because
I think too many people kind of feel like they've
got to be there for their family, be there for
their friends, be there for everyone else, when you're the
one who's really grieving the loss. Now, one of the
big ones that's come up for a lot of people
(20:11):
I've talked to is the complicating factor of pets. Right,
maybe you bought a cat together or a dog together,
and you're used to spending time together on the weekends,
three of you laying around or hiking or watching a
bad movie while the dog or cat lazed in your lap. Well,
one of you has got in custody of that animal,
and it's probably difficult, if not wrenching, for the person
(20:34):
who's now not only without a partner, but without a
much loved pet. And that creates a lot of complications too.
So for any one of your friends who's struggling and
wants to be friends with their re ex, I just
want you all to have a bit of empathy for
the fact that there are so many factors now, Also,
when you remember it's not all about you, there are
two people here, both of whom are probably dealing with
(20:56):
very intense feelings and memories, all of which will be
try when that person comes back into your life. You
might be completely okay and cool with you and your
ex being friends, but have you considered them and the
ways your reappearance in their lives might affect them. You
may want a friendship with your ex, but they still
want a relationship. You may be over your ex, but
(21:20):
they still want to be with you. You may have
moved on, but they haven't moved at all. Just because
you're ready to be friends, don't force that person into
more discomfort. They've already been hurt once. This will only
hurt them twice. Remember it's not all about you. They're
in this too. Now. If you do get this far
(21:44):
in this situation, you have to establish the new rules
of engagement, like what does friendship even look like? So
as everyone knows, there are countless ways of communicating, ranging
from social media to texting, the calling to liking a
common and when you and your ex were romantically involved,
you are probably in communication across the board all day,
(22:04):
night long, conversation, short, and on social media. Now it's different, right,
We all know that a flirty late night text message
can lead to a situation where one or both of
you slips and the next day you find yourself waking
up in your ex's bedroom. You have to create ground rules. Now,
the problem is when both of you don't respect it,
(22:26):
And that's what you want to spot early. Does someone
really respect the ground rules or are you always pushing
them to do that. You might agree to text each
other or email, or you could decide it's calls only.
But here's the second thing. Try it out before you
decide whether it works or not. Right now that you're
back in contact, practice it. Try it out and recognize
(22:47):
where that person stands on respecting your boundaries. Now, I
also want to address this, what about children. A wise
person I know once counseled her two daughters that they should,
of course feel free to fall in love with and
marry whoever they want, but they should be extremely careful
about choosing the person with whom they have children. Now,
(23:08):
why exactly did she mean this? Well, she knew, and
any person with children out there will confirm it that
the person you have children with is part of your
life for well a lifetime. And in this case, the
choice of whether to be friends or even polite and
civil with each other is often decided on behalf of
(23:28):
the children the two of you share, in which case
friendship may take a longer time to develop, and at
first I recommend proceeding carefully and with as much detachment
as possible. I've seen friends with excess flourish, and I've
seen friendships with xcees go south very quickly. Sometimes you'll
find that, minus the romantic or sexual entanglement, the two
(23:50):
of you don't have all that much to say to
each other. In other cases, the absence of romance and
sex can be clarifying and remind you that friendship and
honesty and caring served as the basis of that relationship.
I hope, for your sakes that you fall into the
second category, but if you don't, I have one last
piece of advice to share with you. You don't have to
(24:12):
be friends with your ex, no matter how guilty you
feel about it, no matter how bad they make you feel,
no matter how much your family or friends think it's
the right thing to do. You don't have to be
friends because you've both been hurt once and you don't
want to hurt them twice. Thank you so much for
listening to today. I hope this episode helped you. I
(24:33):
hope it helps you heal. I hope you send it
to a friend who's struggling right now. And thank you
for being here with me on purpose. And remember I'm
forever in your corner and always rooting for you. Hey. Everyone,
if you love that conversation, go and check out my
episode with the world's leading therapist, Lourie Gottlieb, where she
answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when
(24:56):
it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're
trying to figure out that space right now, you won't
want to miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship,
hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms
your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation.
It's so lovely.
If you're wanting civility with someone who's wanting intimacy, it
doesn't work. If you're wanting civility with someone who wants drama,
it doesn't work. And I know you know who I'm
talking about, right. You know you've tried in situations to
be the civil one, to be the peaceful one, to
be the conscious one. But because they didn't want that,
(00:21):
and they didn't want that from you, and they didn't
want to mirror that, it didn't work out that way.
The Number one Health and Wellness Podcast, Jay Setty Jay Shetty,
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host,
Jay Shetty. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'm
(00:41):
so grateful that you've decided to reconnect, whether you're hiking, walking,
walking your dog, cooking, driving to or from work. Thank
you so much for being here. I was speaking to
her friend the other day and she asked me this question.
She said to me, can you be friends with your ex?
(01:01):
And my response was who are you talking to? And
it's one of these questions that I get asked a lot.
And when this particular friend asked me this question, there
was a part of me that was worried, but there
was a part of me that was open, and I
think it's because for years my quick response has been no,
(01:23):
not really. And then I realized how different this question
was for people who had kids together, for people who
had shared friends together. There were different versions of it,
and I think often we can discount or dismiss the
opportunity without recognizing the factors. So I thought it was
(01:44):
important to do an episode about it because I think
it's a lot more complex and subtle than we often
give it credit for. Now, before we even get started,
there are grounds for not being friends. Before exploring this question,
I want to establish some ground rule. Not every X
deserves friendship. Did your relationship end in a peaceful manner?
(02:07):
Did your ex treat you well? Are they dangerous, volatile,
or toxic and an untrustworthy person? Were you ever mistreated
or did you ever feel unsafe? Were you disrespected or
taken advantage of emotionally, sexually, or financially? Were you lied
to or cheated on? If any of these things are true,
(02:28):
I would avoid even considering becoming friends with your ex.
But assuming things ended kind of mutually and acceptably or
as well as possible, considering you did call it quits.
Here's a rule of thumb. You're more likely to be
friends with an ex if you and your ex had
(02:49):
a nice breakup. But here's the thing, it will still
always be complicated even if things ended well. Understand that
becoming friends than X is a tricky, landmind filled journey.
How could it not be? I mean, romantic relationships usually
have their origins in friendship before they evolve into something deeper.
(03:13):
You're now asking two people to maintain the friendship part
of their relationship minus the romantic or sexual angle. But
it's not as simple as going back to the friendship
origins of your relationship. Friendship, companionship, and above all, trust
are all core elements of romantic love. Ensuring you know
the difference is one of the primary challenges of becoming
(03:37):
friends with your ex. I was on the Talk the
other day at Today's show in LA and they asked
me this question as well, and what came out for
me was emotional maturity and romantic clarity. Emotional maturity, do
you both have enough maturity to not be envious when
(03:57):
you see the other person with another person? Do you
both have enough emotional maturity to let the other become
who they want to be, not who you wanted them
to be. And romantic clarity. Are you both truly aware
of the boundaries that now exist physically, sexually, and in
(04:19):
terms of intimacy or is one of you secretly hoping
that you'll be able to make something happen when the
other person's guards down. All of these lead to a
lack of trust. They lead to a lack of stability
in a friendship or in a relationship. Now here's what
the science says about becoming friends with your exes. A
(04:41):
twenty seventeen research study shows that people chose to stay
friends with their exes for four core reasons. The first
is security. They make us feel good and show us
that even in the wake of a breakup, our lives
haven't been completely turned upside down. Right. We're all looking
(05:03):
for security and safety, and our biggest concern, genuinely is
who am I going to call at seven pm tonight?
Wait a minute, who am I going to text? First
thing in the morning. All of those things we think
are emotional, and they are, but they're security based. It's
not necessarily love or romance. It's a sense of safety
and security which humans desire. So deeply, and often we
(05:27):
desire it so deeply that we stay in a situation
even if it's bad for us. We want to elongate
and extend something, even if it's unhealthy for us, because
it makes us feel falsely safe. Think about a time
in your life where you've stayed somewhere because it fooled
you into believing you were safe in one way or another.
(05:49):
So one of the reasons we stay is security. The
second reason is practicality. You like your ex, and your
ex likes you, and both of you value each other's
in your lives, and this is a sense of like
comfort or ease. So a lot of us are constantly
trying to move toward comfort and ease, the path of
(06:12):
least resistance. How many of you have stayed in a job,
a relationship, at a family gathering for far too long
because it was comfortable and it was easy, even though
it wasn't good for you. See, as humans, we almost
seem to lose our way. And it's interesting when you
think about the pursuit of purpose that we're all ultimately
(06:34):
challenged to go on. One of the reasons we don't
take it is because we're just looking for security and safety.
One of the reasons we don't take the pursuit of
purpose is because we're just looking for ease and comfort,
and it feels in the short term much easier to
do these options. And the truth is it is in
the short term, it just isn't in the long term.
(06:56):
And when it comes to a breakup, you just think, well,
if if we just stay friends, at least things are
still practical, not understanding the complexities that come with that.
The third reason that people want to stay friends with
their ex is civility, otherwise known as keeping the peace.
If you're walking down the street and you see your
ex coming your way, you don't want to have to
(07:18):
dart across the street to avoid having an awkward encounter. Right,
It's just normal. Again, the path of least resistance. How
do I create a world in which I have no
conflict and no tension and no stress. By the way,
I recommend that sometimes we create too much drama in
our life. Sometimes we basically are the directors of drama
(07:40):
in our life, almost like we're directing a dramatic, tragic movie,
and we just find everything to cause tension and stress.
So wanting civility is not a bad thing. I get it.
But often if you're wanting civility with someone who's wanting intimacy,
it doesn't work. If you're wanting civility with someone who
(08:01):
wants drama, it doesn't work. And I know you know
who I'm talking about, right, you know you've tried in
situations to be the civil one, to be the peaceful one,
to be the conscious one. But because they didn't want that,
and they didn't want that from you, and they didn't
want to mirror that, it didn't work out that way.
And the fourth reason, and by far the trickiest, has
(08:23):
to do with unresolved romantic desires. You still want to
be with this person. You haven't gotten over them yet,
you don't know if you ever will, And you're thinking
to yourself, if I stick around for long enough, they'll
come to their senses that I was the one, I
was the best one, and they'll finally realize what they're
missing out on. Right, I'm just going to convince them.
(08:45):
I'm just going to stick around long enough until they
change their mind. And I know I can do it, right,
I know I can do it now. That one's a
very very tricky one because we're almost kind of creating
an expectation without having that intention shared openly. And that's
a really interesting position to be, and I find a
(09:06):
lot of us have expectations without setting that intention. If
you have an expectation that you're going to get back
with someone and they've kind of told you, hey, this
is not happening, sure, you might be able to coax
persuade them for a day or two, but it's going
to be a hard battle. And because you're walking into
it with a preset expectation, you're setting yourself up for failure,
(09:27):
because you're setting yourself up to be let down. There's
four ways to know that you're not ready to resume
a friendship with your ex. The first one, your feelings
are strong and conflicted. In other words, you might still
have romantic feelings for your ex, or you're thinking about
(09:47):
your ex more than you'd like to, more than feels healthy.
If so, pause, hold off, and postpone any attempts at
establishing our friendship until those feelings simmeredar pass. You still
meet up occasionally. If your intent on establishing a friendship
with your ex. By definition, that means the two of
(10:09):
you are no longer romantically or sexually involved. If you are,
I don't have to tell you how complicated a factor
this is and how much more difficult it makes it
for you or your ex to move forward. Now. Number three,
you're secretly using friendship as a means to get back together.
This is probably the most common one, and you and
your ex broke up for a reason, probably more than
(10:31):
one reason, and using friendship to re establish a romance
doesn't address or solve those problems. Being friends with an
ex can trick you into thinking that you didn't really
break up, the whole thing was a dream and the
future will be different. It's important to be honest with
yourself and remember that your ex probably has the same
(10:52):
strong feelings. Remember that if you broke up with your ex,
that means something about your relationship wasn't working for you, you,
your ex, or both of you. If you're trying to
be friends because you secretly hope your renewed friendship will
lead to a renewed relationship, you may be holding on
to false hopes. Only try to be friends if you
(11:14):
can honestly live with the truth that the two of
you are no longer together. Now. The fourth reason is
you feel bad and hope that making a friendship is
a get out of jail free card. Now, maybe you
did the breaking up right. Maybe you're the one who
left them and now you're trying to I see this
with a lot of my male friends. But they'll break
(11:35):
up with someone and they'll be like, I don't want
to be the bad guy. I don't want to be
seen as the bad guy. I don't want to be
seen as that one. So I'm going to work hard
on building a friendship up because that way, at least
you won't hate me. And really, I'm like, well, you're
kind of making that person maybe hate you more in
the long term because you're doing it for all the
wrong reasons. Maybe you feel guilty and maybe you fell
(12:00):
in love with someone else. Maybe you've found someone else,
maybe you're moving on. So you have to ask yourself,
who does this friendship benefit? Am I doing it only
to make me feel better about myself? If so, don't
right think twice? Too many people try to stay friends
with their ex because they want to be seen as
(12:21):
a good person. You broke their heart, you found someone else,
you moved on, But you don't want to be seen
as a bad person, so you want to be friends
with them so that they see you as a good person.
And so you're only doing it to make yourself feel
better about yourself. You're not doing it because you truly
(12:42):
want to be friends with them, and that's only going
to hurt them more in the future. It might feel
good to you right now based on how you're perceived,
but not only your perception, how they feel and their
heart will be deeply hurt in the future. And I
think this hits very closely to why I partner it
up with Match. And what I really found was I
(13:05):
wanted to create a space where people could connect based
on their values. And this was really really important to
me because I feel that everything I'm saying here is
because we don't realize that our core values have such
a big impact in terms of long term success. If
(13:26):
you ignore core values, you're thinking in the next five months.
If you take on core values, you're living in the
next five years. And for anyone who's interested and invested
in building a long term, long lasting, powerful relationship, this
mindset is huge. Ninety three percent of Match members say
that shared core values are a crucial indicator of relationship success. Now,
(13:53):
let's imagine that your motives are pure, how do you
even start becoming friends with the next? So right, I'm
gonna I'm gonna imagine for a moment, say that you've
answered all these questions, you know, like I'm genuine. This
is where real I care about them. This is how
it's gonna have to work. The first thing is you
(14:14):
need to take time. Healing after a breakup takes a while.
It's rarely a question of ending a relationship. And two
weeks later meeting your ex for an fsent brunch down
the block and your X does too. And by the
time I'm not talking about and by time, I'm not
talking about a week, a month, or even three months.
Experts suggest allowing anywhere from six months to a year
(14:38):
before you even consider getting in touch with your ex.
And even then, don't assume that because you've allowed so
much time in your head to go by, that everything's
going to work out just fine. It may or may not,
But more about that in a bit. Time is just
another word for readiness, and readiness is another word for
recovery and self awareness. About it this way, you've just
(15:01):
lived through the death of a relationship. As with any death,
you need to give yourself the latitude and introspection to grieve,
adjust to a new identity, and begin moving forward. Let's
see if we can define what ready means, and the
best way to do that is by defining what it
doesn't mean. Ready doesn't mean you won't have contact with
(15:25):
your ex until you meet someone new and you can
show your ex how stupid they were, because how amazing
you are and how much better your life is now
that they're not a part of it. Ready means you've
been extraordinarily honest with yourself, that you can see things clearly,
that you've done the work necessary to move on, that
you have grieved the loss of your relationship and maintained
(15:47):
what was great about it and what you learned. Everything
I just said also goes for your ex. It's not
just about you. A friendship won't work unless both people
are honest and trust each other, not just over the
course of a single conversation, but as a prerequisite of
the renewal of your friendship with honesty as the foundation.
(16:09):
Here are some of the issues that may come up
for you and how that same honesty can help nip
them in the bud. Now. One of the first things
is unfinished business are you in your ex really in
the past. What are your motives in trying to become friends?
Are you trying to show him what he's missing? Do
you really want to know what's going on in her
life or even who your replacement might be. These are
(16:30):
all natural human responses after a breakup, But that does
a mean that can sustain a friendship. Be honest with
yourself and with your ex. Are the two of you
really through or do you find yourselves stalking them on
social media and playing music you associate with them and
that you used to play together. By the way, stop
doing that? Or is it that you're too cool for school?
(16:54):
Are you interested in re establishing a friendship with your
ex because it feels like the mature, grown up, calm
and kell thing to do. After all, being friends with
your ex communicates to everyone how much of an adult
you are, what a good person, how you're willing to
put the past behind you and separate love and desire
from friendship in a truly awesome, human evolved way. Well,
(17:15):
here's my advice to you. It's okay not to have
a grown up reaction to a breakup. It's okay to
acknowledge that it's just too difficult, that you need longer
than a year, and that you might not ever reach
a place in your life when you are in your
ex can be friends. I was speaking to a friend
the other day and he said, the day I moved
on for my ex was the day I admitted to
(17:36):
myself that I would never move on. Let me take
that again, they said, the day I moved on from
my ex was the day I admitted that I would
never move on. Accepting that I may never get over
them is what helped me move forward. Admitting to myself
that I'll probably always think about them is what allowed
(17:59):
me to stop thinking about them. Realizing that I may
never ever fully disconnect or detach from that relationship is
what really allowed me to let go. Think about that really,
really carefully. It's not pretending to move on. It's not
faking moving on. It's not making it up or doing
it because it looks good or people will respect you.
(18:22):
It's actually being honest with yourself and authentic with yourself.
And I get it. That's scary, it's hard, it's challenging,
but it's the truth. Now. Naturally, what we often do
is we wonder what others mutual friends, family, members might
think if you and your ex were a couple for
a long time, no doubt you're friends in common or
(18:44):
an established friend group, as well as a relationship with
each other's families. In the wake of a breakup, it's
inevitable that some of those friends will take sides detto
for family members for the sake of keeping the peace.
It's natural to want to maintain those friendships, to act
though nothing has changed, and that everyone, including you and
your ex, can still be buddies. After all, it's a
(19:06):
small town where people are bound to run into one another,
and you don't want any weirdness. As for family members,
you don't want their mom or their sister to think
badly of you. Maybe you have a close relationship with
the family that you don't want to give up. Unfortunately,
friends and family members can be casualties of a breakup.
Something big has happened, and your friends are coping with
(19:26):
the fallout. Two and I think this is the hard
part where almost your friends are acting like it's harder
for them than it is for you. If you've just
been through a breakup and you have mutual friends, and
your friends are making it out that this breakup is
harder for them than it's harder for you. Then those
are not your real friends. You need friends who recognize
that this loss is so deeply hard and difficult and
(19:49):
challenging for you that they're there for you regardless of
how it affects them, because while they are affected, you're
the one who's going through the most of it. And
I just really want to put that out there because
I think too many people kind of feel like they've
got to be there for their family, be there for
their friends, be there for everyone else, when you're the
one who's really grieving the loss. Now, one of the
big ones that's come up for a lot of people
(20:11):
I've talked to is the complicating factor of pets. Right,
maybe you bought a cat together or a dog together,
and you're used to spending time together on the weekends,
three of you laying around or hiking or watching a
bad movie while the dog or cat lazed in your lap. Well,
one of you has got in custody of that animal,
and it's probably difficult, if not wrenching, for the person
(20:34):
who's now not only without a partner, but without a
much loved pet. And that creates a lot of complications too.
So for any one of your friends who's struggling and
wants to be friends with their re ex, I just
want you all to have a bit of empathy for
the fact that there are so many factors now, Also,
when you remember it's not all about you, there are
two people here, both of whom are probably dealing with
(20:56):
very intense feelings and memories, all of which will be
try when that person comes back into your life. You
might be completely okay and cool with you and your
ex being friends, but have you considered them and the
ways your reappearance in their lives might affect them. You
may want a friendship with your ex, but they still
want a relationship. You may be over your ex, but
(21:20):
they still want to be with you. You may have
moved on, but they haven't moved at all. Just because
you're ready to be friends, don't force that person into
more discomfort. They've already been hurt once. This will only
hurt them twice. Remember it's not all about you. They're
in this too. Now. If you do get this far
(21:44):
in this situation, you have to establish the new rules
of engagement, like what does friendship even look like? So
as everyone knows, there are countless ways of communicating, ranging
from social media to texting, the calling to liking a
common and when you and your ex were romantically involved,
you are probably in communication across the board all day,
(22:04):
night long, conversation, short, and on social media. Now it's different, right,
We all know that a flirty late night text message
can lead to a situation where one or both of
you slips and the next day you find yourself waking
up in your ex's bedroom. You have to create ground rules. Now,
the problem is when both of you don't respect it,
(22:26):
And that's what you want to spot early. Does someone
really respect the ground rules or are you always pushing
them to do that. You might agree to text each
other or email, or you could decide it's calls only.
But here's the second thing. Try it out before you
decide whether it works or not. Right now that you're
back in contact, practice it. Try it out and recognize
(22:47):
where that person stands on respecting your boundaries. Now, I
also want to address this, what about children. A wise
person I know once counseled her two daughters that they should,
of course feel free to fall in love with and
marry whoever they want, but they should be extremely careful
about choosing the person with whom they have children. Now,
(23:08):
why exactly did she mean this? Well, she knew, and
any person with children out there will confirm it that
the person you have children with is part of your
life for well a lifetime. And in this case, the
choice of whether to be friends or even polite and
civil with each other is often decided on behalf of
(23:28):
the children the two of you share, in which case
friendship may take a longer time to develop, and at
first I recommend proceeding carefully and with as much detachment
as possible. I've seen friends with excess flourish, and I've
seen friendships with xcees go south very quickly. Sometimes you'll
find that, minus the romantic or sexual entanglement, the two
(23:50):
of you don't have all that much to say to
each other. In other cases, the absence of romance and
sex can be clarifying and remind you that friendship and
honesty and caring served as the basis of that relationship.
I hope, for your sakes that you fall into the
second category, but if you don't, I have one last
piece of advice to share with you. You don't have to
(24:12):
be friends with your ex, no matter how guilty you
feel about it, no matter how bad they make you feel,
no matter how much your family or friends think it's
the right thing to do. You don't have to be
friends because you've both been hurt once and you don't
want to hurt them twice. Thank you so much for
listening to today. I hope this episode helped you. I
(24:33):
hope it helps you heal. I hope you send it
to a friend who's struggling right now. And thank you
for being here with me on purpose. And remember I'm
forever in your corner and always rooting for you. Hey. Everyone,
if you love that conversation, go and check out my
episode with the world's leading therapist, Lourie Gottlieb, where she
answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when
(24:56):
it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're
trying to figure out that space right now, you won't
want to miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship,
hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms
your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation.
It's so lovely.
Host
Jay Shetty
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