October 18, 2024 • 23 mins
Do you find yourself thinking about your ex often?
What has been the hardest part of moving on for you?
Today, Jay taps into the emotional complexities of getting over an ex and provides actionable steps to move forward. Drawing on insights from neuroscience and psychology, Jay explains why it's entirely normal to struggle with letting go of a past relationship, even if it's been months or years. The emotional pain we experience after a breakup, he explains, is comparable to drug withdrawal, highlighting the deep biological connections we form with our partners.
One of the most impactful ideas Jay shares is that clinging to the past steals energy and time from the future. By ruminating over what could have been, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to build new experiences and relationships. Ultimately, Jay’s message is clear: while it's natural to struggle with letting go, the key to healing lies in breaking old patterns, embracing new habits, and shifting our focus toward growth. If you or someone you know is struggling to move on from a past relationship, this episode offers practical tools and compassionate advice to help start the journey toward healing.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Heal by Changing Your Environment
How to Replace Emotional Attachment After a Breakup
How to Shift Focus from the Past to the Present
How to Build Confidence Without External Validation
How to Move On by Breaking Old Patterns
Trust that with patience and self-compassion, you will find the strength to not only move on, but to thrive in ways you never imagined. You deserve the love and happiness that comes from within—keep moving forward, you're stronger than you know.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
02:29 What to Do If You’re Still Not Over Your Ex?
04:11 What Research Shows About Breakups
07:20 #1: Change Your Environment
13:26 #2: Identify What You’re Missing: Habit or Emotion
17:18 #5: Focus on Building Your Life
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Are you looking for more purpose? Do you care about
living a life of well being? Are you interested in
universal wisdom and spirituality? If you answered yes to any
of these questions, I think you'd love my personal newsletter,
Weekly Wisdom. I've been sending it out every Thursday for
the last four years. I cover a wide variety of
(00:22):
topics that contribute to our daily wellbeing and happiness. Relationships,
self love, spirituality, confidence, work and career, heartbreak, emotional intelligence,
and so much more. The goal here is simple. I
want you to be able to read this newsletter every
week and feel a little better about whatever you're going
(00:43):
through in your life and a little more healed from
the things that have hurt you in the past. If
I write just one sentence that helps you in any way,
then I will have done my job well. If you'd
like to start receiving my newsletter in your inbox every Thursday,
just go to Jayshetty newsletter dot com. That's Jayshetty newsletter
(01:04):
dot com. The newsletter is one hundred percent free, and
you can unsubscribe at any time. I hope you'll join
me on this journey, sending you so much love. You
know you're with the right person when they don't rely
on you for everything and you don't rely on them
for everything. They love the fact that you have other friends,
(01:27):
other connections, family members that you open your heart to,
and you respect the fact that they have people in
their life that they turn to. You don't feel insecure
about the fact that they open their heart to someone
else about you, and they don't feel upset about the
fact that you may share your heart with someone else,
(01:48):
because what you truly want is for you and the
other person to feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately
that you both want what's best for each other. The
Number one Health and Wellness Podcast, Jay Shetty, Jay SHETTYLYJ Shetty, Hey, everyone,
(02:09):
welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for
tuning in to another episode with me, your host, Jay Shetty.
I am so grateful, so honored, and so happy that
you chose to spend the next just under thirty minutes
with me for one of our workshops, and today's session
is all about want to do if you're still not
(02:33):
over your ex. It might have been ten hours, it
might be ten days, maybe it's ten months, or maybe
it's even ten years, and you're still not over your ex.
You keep checking them out on Instagram. You're always asking
your friends about what they're up to. Maybe you even
(02:55):
go back and look at their Facebook account. Whatever it is.
Your still obsessed, you're still connected, and you're not able
to truly move on. And when I talk about moving on,
there's two types of moving on. One type of moving
on is the type of moving on what we say
we've moved on when people ask us, we say, yeah,
(03:15):
of course I've moved on. It's been ten years, there's
been ten months, Come on, I'm over it. And then
there's the moving on where the person becomes such a
distant memory that we feel like it was another lifetime,
like they were with a completely different version of us,
and that that part of us doesn't even exist anymore.
(03:37):
And a lot of us want to get to that
second place. That sounds enticing, It sounds exhilarating to think
that maybe I could get to a point one day
where the person feels like a distant memory. But I'm
here to tell you this, it's absolutely normal to feel
like you're not over your ex. It doesn't make you weak,
(04:00):
it doesn't make you someone who's got it all wrong.
It doesn't mean that you don't have a future, it
doesn't mean that you never get over them. But it's extremely,
extremely normal. And there's a lot of people who after
experiencing a breakup can actually get sick, they can feel depressed,
(04:20):
and research shows that that level of pain can actually
be justified. It can actually be really difficult to move
on from those feelings. And according to neuroethicist Nicole Vincent,
the emotions you feel and build on in a relationship
are brought about by a range of different neurochemicals. Now,
(04:44):
this study blew my mind when I first read about it,
So listen to this carefully. Some of the things that
you experience when you end a relationship are not dissimilar
to the withdrawal from drugs and drug addiction. Take a
second to recognize that detoxing from drugs and disconnecting from
(05:08):
an individual can have some similar experiences. When you're destoxing
from drugs, you almost feel this connection to this thing,
and when you're disconnecting from a human, you feel like
you're actually craving them, right, they can be this craving,
this yearning, this seeking, this searching, this wanting, and that's
(05:29):
actually quite normal. Now, This statement is also supported by
Professor Paxinos, who says the suspicion is that some of
the same chemicals that are involved in other neural rewards
such as eating, are engaged, and presumably something like the
withdrawal from drugs is happening when the person loses the
(05:51):
loved one. That's what he says. Now. Vincent categorizes relationship
emotions into attraction, which brings up chemistry and those types
of feelings and attachment and affection and attachment and affection.
He says, we're actually created from an evolutionary perspective to
(06:14):
keep couples together so that they would actually stay together
until the children were old enough to live by themselves.
Fascinating to think about it from an evolutionary standpoint. Our
chemicals were designed so that we would stay together, so
that the kids we have would be adults who could
(06:34):
take care of themselves. Now that blows my mind because
it just shows us that when you go through a breakup,
you're now dealing with this extreme breakdown of chemicals. So
now I'm hoping you have compassion for yourself, you have
empathy for yourself. You also have compassion and empathy for
maybe your friend who just doesn't get over that breakup,
and you keep looking at them, going, come on, get
(06:55):
over it now. It's been a time. Right. Maybe you
even sent this to a friend because you're like, hey,
I think it's about time you got over that breakup. Well,
this is the reality of how difficult it is, and
due to the fact that humans are now living much longer,
that attachment and affection actually stops earlier, which is why
(07:18):
we experience more breakups. Now, this is really really important
because what Vincent points out is that if someone's addicted
to drugs, one of the biggest changes required is their circumstances,
their surroundings, their environment. And I think this is something
(07:39):
we often underestimate. We often underestimate how much a change
of scenery can change our lives, especially when that scenery
is connected to memories, feelings, and emotions. So actually going
away for a vacation, taking a three day break, taking
seven days, and going in living with your friend who
(08:00):
just moved to the other side of the city or
moved to the other side of the country can be
massively beneficial. Right. If you've gone through a breakup and
you're finding it hard to shake it off, it's so
important to change your surroundings, to change your environment, and
so many of us underestimate the power of what that
can actually do. Now, listen to this, because I'm sure
(08:24):
all of you've seen this before, that places can trigger
bad memories because the brain associates the place with a
traumatic event or an unpleasant experience. Now, in the dating sense,
it might actually trigger a positive memory. Right maybe you
always used to go to this one restaurant for dinner.
(08:45):
Maybe you used to always go to this one theater.
Maybe you had your first date on this one street,
whatever it may be. Right now, whenever you're on that road,
whenever you're in that restaurant, whenever you're going into that store,
you're thinking of this person. And that now creates that
positive memory, creates negative emotions, the negative emotion of I'll
(09:09):
never have that again, or how amazing it used to
be or how wonderful it was. And research shows that
the brain stores sensory stimuli from events such as sights, sounds,
and smells, and when these sensory triggers are experienced again,
the brain can actually reactivate the feelings associated with it.
(09:34):
So if there was your favorite pastor or pizza that
you used to have together and now you smell it
again and all of a sudden, it reminds you of
that same emotion and experience, right, And we all go
through this, but we don't think about changing these simple things.
Changing our environment changes our experience. Like let me give
(09:55):
an example. It's nasty, but I have to be honest
with you. I remember once going on a flight and
it was a long flight, like maybe it was like
ten hours. I think I was going from LA to
London or something like that, and I ended up having
a tight green curry on the plane, and I think
you already know where this is going. I had the
worst food poisoning pretty much immediately after we had the meal,
(10:19):
like when we just got on the flight, and for
the next seven to eight hours. It was not cute.
That's all I'm going to say. It was not cute.
And I must have visited the restroom like twenty times,
and I felt terrible for everyone else as well. I
apologize if you were on that flight. Now what happened was,
I'm not kidding you, And I was just constantly I
(10:42):
remember shivering and I was like, I need them to
bring me blankets and they had to, you know, they
kind of believed me. By the end of the flight
one hour before I remember rather holding the sit bag
for me to throw up next to me. And the
reason I'm telling you all of this is literally, for
the next week, whenever I got on a plane, I
felt sick, and till this day, this was probably like
(11:05):
five years ago, till this day, I can't eat Ti
green curry. That's how the brain messes with environments, right,
That's literally how it works. I genuinely never want to
be around a Ti Green curry if you invite me
over for dinner, No Ti green curry, right, And I
like Tai food, So it's got nothing to do with that.
But my memory now of that experience that sent the
(11:28):
look everything is from that flight. That's what our brain's
doing in a really deep way. When it comes to
a pain or a pleasure that we shared with this person.
We have the pleasurable memories, and we then have pain
because of the pleasurable memories. So changing our environment is everything.
(11:48):
There's a reason why we say block the account on
social media, unfollow, right, don't go hang out with the
same group of friends, don't go drive past their house,
don't go I've passed the where they work. Don't go
and hang out at the places you usually go onto
because all of it will trigger some pleasurable memory, which
(12:09):
then will create an unpleasant feeling because it reminds you
of that which you don't have anymore. It's as simple
as that. Break that pattern, break your habits, right, It's
so important to break that pattern, break that pattern of
where you're traveling, break that pattern of what you're listening to,
break that pattern of what you see, hear, smell, taste, everything.
(12:31):
It's going to break that mental pattern that you've got
lost into. Okay, I am so excited about this because
we've got the first ever merch drop for On Purpose.
It's finally here and for World Mental Health. Today we're
doing an exclusive limited edition drop with all the proceeds
(12:54):
going to the National Alliance on Mental Illness NAMI. So
now you can wear You're on Purpose merch, listen to
the podcast and know that you two are having an impact.
I want to thank you so much in advance. I
can't wait to see all of your pictures wearing the merch.
Their's sweatshirts, a hat, t shirts. Check it out on
our website. Jshetdyshop dot com. That's jshettshop dot com. And
(13:19):
remember one hundred percent of the proceeds go to Nami. Now,
the other thing that we have to do after changing
our environment, which by the way, I'm just really laying
into because I don't think we do it enough. I
think we say it, we hear it, and then we
keep doing the same thing, going to the same places.
But after that, we have to identify what we're missing,
(13:43):
and we have to identify whether it's a habit or
an emotion. Right now, think about that. Sometimes what we're
missing is the fact that every night at eight pm,
that's the person we used to call first thing in
the morning, that was the first person we texted. That's
a habit. We built up a habit, and now our
mind reminds us of that habit in that moment every
(14:07):
single time. So when it hits eight pm, we're waiting
for that call, we're now feeling all the emotions of
not receiving that call, not hearing that person's voice, not
hearing them say whatever we used to love hearing them say.
And in the morning when we wake up, we don't
have that morning message. That's a habit. That we're missing.
(14:27):
And what we have to do is we have to
replace that habit. Otherwise our mind will simply spiral. Our
mind will go round and round and round and round
again and again and again because that habit is not fulfilled. Right.
It's as if if you expected the episode of the
podcast to drop and you were just sitting there pressing refresh.
(14:49):
You were waiting for the next episode on Netflix to
come on. For some reason, there was a glitch and
you just kept pressing refresh. Right, That's what our mind does.
It keeps pressing refresh and then nothing changes. Is because
that person's not magically going to call. And now that
habit is a cause for pain. We have to replace
that habit. Who are you going to text instead in
the morning? Right? Who else are you going to ask
(15:12):
and say? Can you please text me in the morning
so I have a text to look forward to. Who
are you going to call instead at eight pm? We
have to find a replacement, a substitute for that habit,
because otherwise that habit will turn into a spiral. Now,
it may be an emotion that we miss. Maybe it
is that you felt cared for. Maybe that person made
(15:32):
you feel adventurous, maybe that person made you feel confident.
It's an emotional exchange that way. Maybe we've lost We
have to go and find that emotional exchange from ourselves,
from someone else in our life and from an activity. Right.
Going to create adventurous places, going to try out the
(15:55):
reason why people say things like try a new class,
go to pottery class, try a new trainer, go to
a new jim work on yourself. It's really not the
work on yourself. It's the fact that you're getting to
experience that emotion from somewhere else. You're building your confidence
rather than waiting for them to say you're confident. Right,
You're building your own confidence and your own belief in
(16:18):
who you are, then letting someone else validate it. Let
me do it. You're building your own confidence and belief in
yourself then letting someone else validate it. So identify. Are
you missing in habit and replace it? Are you missing
an emotion? Substitute it? These are great techniques and tools
for you for the long term, even after a breakup.
(16:40):
I often ask people to write down a list of
what they really want in life. Emotions that you want, adventure, excitement, surprise,
whatever it may be, and ask yourself, who in your
life gives you that and if you keep drawing it
to the same person or to no one, go and
build a new relationship that gives you that right. There
are certain friends that I know, oh are amazing for adventure.
(17:02):
There are other friends that I know that are grateful vulnerability.
There are other friends that I know that are great
to listen to me and hear me out. There are
different friends for different things, and I think so many
of us either rely on the same people for everything
or we rely on ourselves for everything. You know you're
with the right person when they don't rely on you
(17:23):
for everything and you don't rely on them for everything.
They love the fact that you have other friends, other connections,
family members that you open your heart to, and you
respect the fact that they have people in their life
that they turn to. You don't feel insecure about the
fact that they open their heart to someone else about you,
(17:46):
and they don't feel upset about the fact that you
may share your heart with someone else, because what you
truly want is for you and the other person to
feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately that you both
want what's best for each other. I think one of
the biggest things that we miss out on is that
(18:06):
when you keep ruminating, when you keep spiraling, when you
keep going around and around in circles, what you're doing
is you're going deeper and deeper into what you don't have,
and what you end up doing is taking up a
lot of mental space, a lot of energy that is
taken away now from new things and new opportunities. When
we use our mental space to think about could have,
(18:30):
would have? Should have? What if? If? This? If that,
what we're doing is we're stealing time from a new person.
We're stealing space from a new opportunity, We're stealing energy
from a new life. Why would you ever steal from yourself?
When we're more obsessed with the past rather than focused
(18:54):
on the opportunities of the present, we're stealing from ourselves.
We're stealing time, we're stealing energy, We're stealing growth. Don't
be a thief in your own life. Don't steal from
your own heart. That's what we have to realize we're
doing when we're obsessed with an X. We're stealing from
our own life while they're building theirs. We're stealing from
(19:16):
our own energy while they're sharing theirs. We're stealing from
our future while they're living there present. Don't let a
breakup break your connection with yourself. Focus on what actions
you can take to build right, you will be less
focused on the breakup if you're more focused on building.
(19:38):
Does that make sense? We get so obsessed with a
breakup that we forget to build, We forget to create,
we forget to organize, we forget to develop. That's the
opposite of breaking up. The opposite of breaking is building.
What are you building? Are you building your career? Are
you building yourself? Are you putting the energy into building something?
(20:00):
Trying to manage the breakup? But what ends up happening
if you're trying to manage the breakup is you just
fall deeper into the breakup. The breakup is something that
has to, to some degree naturally, over time, be replaced
by what you're building. It gets healed by building. If
you just stay focused on the breakup for a long
period of time, you actually take energy away from building. Now,
(20:25):
if you're still not over your ex I want you
to know that you're not weak, you're not behind, and
you have to remember that everyone who is today in
a happy relationship once felt that they wouldn't get over
their ex It's such a natural feeling. It's such a
(20:45):
natural emotion, it's so real and true. And everyone that
you see today that has the life that you may
want one day, at one point in their life felt
that way about someone they went out with. And sometimes
the reason why it's so hard is we feel we
missed out on someone who is perfect for us. We
missed out on someone who we feel had everything we
(21:08):
ever wanted. But here's the thing, they didn't have the
one most important thing that you want, and that is
they didn't want what you wanted. You can want someone
all you want. Someone can have everything you want, someone
(21:28):
can be everything you want. But if they don't want
what you want with them, they're not for you. They're
not yours. If they don't want you, it doesn't matter
how much they have everything that you want. And I
promise you that that's the key part of a relationship.
When someone truly wants to be with you, when someone
(21:51):
truly wants to care for you, it doesn't matter how
many amazing skills, abilities, qualities someone has. If they don't
deeply want you, it will never have worked, it would
never have flourished, It will never have thrived. I want
to thank you so much for listening to today. I
hope you'll share this with a friend who's really struggling.
I know that this can be really heartbreaking and painful,
(22:13):
and I hope you'll pass this along. I also hope
you'll leave a review, because so many of you have
left so many beautiful ones. This was one recently that said,
this is an amazing podcast with great information to help
with any mental health challenges you're facing. Thank you so
much for sharing that. This one said this podcast emphasizes
(22:34):
just being there and alongside them is the most important
thing you can do to build resilient humans. What wonderful insight.
Thanks so much. This one's really beautiful too as well.
I have been watching this show for years and it
has helped me so much throughout those years and continues
to do so. I look forward to watching and listening
(22:56):
every single week. Thank you so much with these incredible,
incredible reviews. Please go ahead and leave reviews if you
have a chance to as well. It makes a huge
difference to podcasts. Thank you again for listening. I'm so
grateful to you, and remember forever in your corner and
always rooting for you. Thank you. If you love this episode,
(23:18):
you'll love my interview with Dr Gabor Matte on understanding
your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start
moving on from the past. Everything in nature grows only
where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't go o where
it's hard and thick, does it. It goes where it's
soft and green and vulnerable.
Are you looking for more purpose? Do you care about
living a life of well being? Are you interested in
universal wisdom and spirituality? If you answered yes to any
of these questions, I think you'd love my personal newsletter,
Weekly Wisdom. I've been sending it out every Thursday for
the last four years. I cover a wide variety of
(00:22):
topics that contribute to our daily wellbeing and happiness. Relationships,
self love, spirituality, confidence, work and career, heartbreak, emotional intelligence,
and so much more. The goal here is simple. I
want you to be able to read this newsletter every
week and feel a little better about whatever you're going
(00:43):
through in your life and a little more healed from
the things that have hurt you in the past. If
I write just one sentence that helps you in any way,
then I will have done my job well. If you'd
like to start receiving my newsletter in your inbox every Thursday,
just go to Jayshetty newsletter dot com. That's Jayshetty newsletter
(01:04):
dot com. The newsletter is one hundred percent free, and
you can unsubscribe at any time. I hope you'll join
me on this journey, sending you so much love. You
know you're with the right person when they don't rely
on you for everything and you don't rely on them
for everything. They love the fact that you have other friends,
(01:27):
other connections, family members that you open your heart to,
and you respect the fact that they have people in
their life that they turn to. You don't feel insecure
about the fact that they open their heart to someone
else about you, and they don't feel upset about the
fact that you may share your heart with someone else,
(01:48):
because what you truly want is for you and the
other person to feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately
that you both want what's best for each other. The
Number one Health and Wellness Podcast, Jay Shetty, Jay SHETTYLYJ Shetty, Hey, everyone,
(02:09):
welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for
tuning in to another episode with me, your host, Jay Shetty.
I am so grateful, so honored, and so happy that
you chose to spend the next just under thirty minutes
with me for one of our workshops, and today's session
is all about want to do if you're still not
(02:33):
over your ex. It might have been ten hours, it
might be ten days, maybe it's ten months, or maybe
it's even ten years, and you're still not over your ex.
You keep checking them out on Instagram. You're always asking
your friends about what they're up to. Maybe you even
(02:55):
go back and look at their Facebook account. Whatever it is.
Your still obsessed, you're still connected, and you're not able
to truly move on. And when I talk about moving on,
there's two types of moving on. One type of moving
on is the type of moving on what we say
we've moved on when people ask us, we say, yeah,
(03:15):
of course I've moved on. It's been ten years, there's
been ten months, Come on, I'm over it. And then
there's the moving on where the person becomes such a
distant memory that we feel like it was another lifetime,
like they were with a completely different version of us,
and that that part of us doesn't even exist anymore.
(03:37):
And a lot of us want to get to that
second place. That sounds enticing, It sounds exhilarating to think
that maybe I could get to a point one day
where the person feels like a distant memory. But I'm
here to tell you this, it's absolutely normal to feel
like you're not over your ex. It doesn't make you weak,
(04:00):
it doesn't make you someone who's got it all wrong.
It doesn't mean that you don't have a future, it
doesn't mean that you never get over them. But it's extremely,
extremely normal. And there's a lot of people who after
experiencing a breakup can actually get sick, they can feel depressed,
(04:20):
and research shows that that level of pain can actually
be justified. It can actually be really difficult to move
on from those feelings. And according to neuroethicist Nicole Vincent,
the emotions you feel and build on in a relationship
are brought about by a range of different neurochemicals. Now,
(04:44):
this study blew my mind when I first read about it,
So listen to this carefully. Some of the things that
you experience when you end a relationship are not dissimilar
to the withdrawal from drugs and drug addiction. Take a
second to recognize that detoxing from drugs and disconnecting from
(05:08):
an individual can have some similar experiences. When you're destoxing
from drugs, you almost feel this connection to this thing,
and when you're disconnecting from a human, you feel like
you're actually craving them, right, they can be this craving,
this yearning, this seeking, this searching, this wanting, and that's
(05:29):
actually quite normal. Now, This statement is also supported by
Professor Paxinos, who says the suspicion is that some of
the same chemicals that are involved in other neural rewards
such as eating, are engaged, and presumably something like the
withdrawal from drugs is happening when the person loses the
(05:51):
loved one. That's what he says. Now. Vincent categorizes relationship
emotions into attraction, which brings up chemistry and those types
of feelings and attachment and affection and attachment and affection.
He says, we're actually created from an evolutionary perspective to
(06:14):
keep couples together so that they would actually stay together
until the children were old enough to live by themselves.
Fascinating to think about it from an evolutionary standpoint. Our
chemicals were designed so that we would stay together, so
that the kids we have would be adults who could
(06:34):
take care of themselves. Now that blows my mind because
it just shows us that when you go through a breakup,
you're now dealing with this extreme breakdown of chemicals. So
now I'm hoping you have compassion for yourself, you have
empathy for yourself. You also have compassion and empathy for
maybe your friend who just doesn't get over that breakup,
and you keep looking at them, going, come on, get
(06:55):
over it now. It's been a time. Right. Maybe you
even sent this to a friend because you're like, hey,
I think it's about time you got over that breakup. Well,
this is the reality of how difficult it is, and
due to the fact that humans are now living much longer,
that attachment and affection actually stops earlier, which is why
(07:18):
we experience more breakups. Now, this is really really important
because what Vincent points out is that if someone's addicted
to drugs, one of the biggest changes required is their circumstances,
their surroundings, their environment. And I think this is something
(07:39):
we often underestimate. We often underestimate how much a change
of scenery can change our lives, especially when that scenery
is connected to memories, feelings, and emotions. So actually going
away for a vacation, taking a three day break, taking
seven days, and going in living with your friend who
(08:00):
just moved to the other side of the city or
moved to the other side of the country can be
massively beneficial. Right. If you've gone through a breakup and
you're finding it hard to shake it off, it's so
important to change your surroundings, to change your environment, and
so many of us underestimate the power of what that
can actually do. Now, listen to this, because I'm sure
(08:24):
all of you've seen this before, that places can trigger
bad memories because the brain associates the place with a
traumatic event or an unpleasant experience. Now, in the dating sense,
it might actually trigger a positive memory. Right maybe you
always used to go to this one restaurant for dinner.
(08:45):
Maybe you used to always go to this one theater.
Maybe you had your first date on this one street,
whatever it may be. Right now, whenever you're on that road,
whenever you're in that restaurant, whenever you're going into that store,
you're thinking of this person. And that now creates that
positive memory, creates negative emotions, the negative emotion of I'll
(09:09):
never have that again, or how amazing it used to
be or how wonderful it was. And research shows that
the brain stores sensory stimuli from events such as sights, sounds,
and smells, and when these sensory triggers are experienced again,
the brain can actually reactivate the feelings associated with it.
(09:34):
So if there was your favorite pastor or pizza that
you used to have together and now you smell it
again and all of a sudden, it reminds you of
that same emotion and experience, right, And we all go
through this, but we don't think about changing these simple things.
Changing our environment changes our experience. Like let me give
(09:55):
an example. It's nasty, but I have to be honest
with you. I remember once going on a flight and
it was a long flight, like maybe it was like
ten hours. I think I was going from LA to
London or something like that, and I ended up having
a tight green curry on the plane, and I think
you already know where this is going. I had the
worst food poisoning pretty much immediately after we had the meal,
(10:19):
like when we just got on the flight, and for
the next seven to eight hours. It was not cute.
That's all I'm going to say. It was not cute.
And I must have visited the restroom like twenty times,
and I felt terrible for everyone else as well. I
apologize if you were on that flight. Now what happened was,
I'm not kidding you, And I was just constantly I
(10:42):
remember shivering and I was like, I need them to
bring me blankets and they had to, you know, they
kind of believed me. By the end of the flight
one hour before I remember rather holding the sit bag
for me to throw up next to me. And the
reason I'm telling you all of this is literally, for
the next week, whenever I got on a plane, I
felt sick, and till this day, this was probably like
(11:05):
five years ago, till this day, I can't eat Ti
green curry. That's how the brain messes with environments, right,
That's literally how it works. I genuinely never want to
be around a Ti Green curry if you invite me
over for dinner, No Ti green curry, right, And I
like Tai food, So it's got nothing to do with that.
But my memory now of that experience that sent the
(11:28):
look everything is from that flight. That's what our brain's
doing in a really deep way. When it comes to
a pain or a pleasure that we shared with this person.
We have the pleasurable memories, and we then have pain
because of the pleasurable memories. So changing our environment is everything.
(11:48):
There's a reason why we say block the account on
social media, unfollow, right, don't go hang out with the
same group of friends, don't go drive past their house,
don't go I've passed the where they work. Don't go
and hang out at the places you usually go onto
because all of it will trigger some pleasurable memory, which
(12:09):
then will create an unpleasant feeling because it reminds you
of that which you don't have anymore. It's as simple
as that. Break that pattern, break your habits, right, It's
so important to break that pattern, break that pattern of
where you're traveling, break that pattern of what you're listening to,
break that pattern of what you see, hear, smell, taste, everything.
(12:31):
It's going to break that mental pattern that you've got
lost into. Okay, I am so excited about this because
we've got the first ever merch drop for On Purpose.
It's finally here and for World Mental Health. Today we're
doing an exclusive limited edition drop with all the proceeds
(12:54):
going to the National Alliance on Mental Illness NAMI. So
now you can wear You're on Purpose merch, listen to
the podcast and know that you two are having an impact.
I want to thank you so much in advance. I
can't wait to see all of your pictures wearing the merch.
Their's sweatshirts, a hat, t shirts. Check it out on
our website. Jshetdyshop dot com. That's jshettshop dot com. And
(13:19):
remember one hundred percent of the proceeds go to Nami. Now,
the other thing that we have to do after changing
our environment, which by the way, I'm just really laying
into because I don't think we do it enough. I
think we say it, we hear it, and then we
keep doing the same thing, going to the same places.
But after that, we have to identify what we're missing,
(13:43):
and we have to identify whether it's a habit or
an emotion. Right now, think about that. Sometimes what we're
missing is the fact that every night at eight pm,
that's the person we used to call first thing in
the morning, that was the first person we texted. That's
a habit. We built up a habit, and now our
mind reminds us of that habit in that moment every
(14:07):
single time. So when it hits eight pm, we're waiting
for that call, we're now feeling all the emotions of
not receiving that call, not hearing that person's voice, not
hearing them say whatever we used to love hearing them say.
And in the morning when we wake up, we don't
have that morning message. That's a habit. That we're missing.
(14:27):
And what we have to do is we have to
replace that habit. Otherwise our mind will simply spiral. Our
mind will go round and round and round and round
again and again and again because that habit is not fulfilled. Right.
It's as if if you expected the episode of the
podcast to drop and you were just sitting there pressing refresh.
(14:49):
You were waiting for the next episode on Netflix to
come on. For some reason, there was a glitch and
you just kept pressing refresh. Right, That's what our mind does.
It keeps pressing refresh and then nothing changes. Is because
that person's not magically going to call. And now that
habit is a cause for pain. We have to replace
that habit. Who are you going to text instead in
the morning? Right? Who else are you going to ask
(15:12):
and say? Can you please text me in the morning
so I have a text to look forward to. Who
are you going to call instead at eight pm? We
have to find a replacement, a substitute for that habit,
because otherwise that habit will turn into a spiral. Now,
it may be an emotion that we miss. Maybe it
is that you felt cared for. Maybe that person made
(15:32):
you feel adventurous, maybe that person made you feel confident.
It's an emotional exchange that way. Maybe we've lost We
have to go and find that emotional exchange from ourselves,
from someone else in our life and from an activity. Right.
Going to create adventurous places, going to try out the
(15:55):
reason why people say things like try a new class,
go to pottery class, try a new trainer, go to
a new jim work on yourself. It's really not the
work on yourself. It's the fact that you're getting to
experience that emotion from somewhere else. You're building your confidence
rather than waiting for them to say you're confident. Right,
You're building your own confidence and your own belief in
(16:18):
who you are, then letting someone else validate it. Let
me do it. You're building your own confidence and belief in
yourself then letting someone else validate it. So identify. Are
you missing in habit and replace it? Are you missing
an emotion? Substitute it? These are great techniques and tools
for you for the long term, even after a breakup.
(16:40):
I often ask people to write down a list of
what they really want in life. Emotions that you want, adventure, excitement, surprise,
whatever it may be, and ask yourself, who in your
life gives you that and if you keep drawing it
to the same person or to no one, go and
build a new relationship that gives you that right. There
are certain friends that I know, oh are amazing for adventure.
(17:02):
There are other friends that I know that are grateful vulnerability.
There are other friends that I know that are great
to listen to me and hear me out. There are
different friends for different things, and I think so many
of us either rely on the same people for everything
or we rely on ourselves for everything. You know you're
with the right person when they don't rely on you
(17:23):
for everything and you don't rely on them for everything.
They love the fact that you have other friends, other connections,
family members that you open your heart to, and you
respect the fact that they have people in their life
that they turn to. You don't feel insecure about the
fact that they open their heart to someone else about you,
(17:46):
and they don't feel upset about the fact that you
may share your heart with someone else, because what you
truly want is for you and the other person to
feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately that you both
want what's best for each other. I think one of
the biggest things that we miss out on is that
(18:06):
when you keep ruminating, when you keep spiraling, when you
keep going around and around in circles, what you're doing
is you're going deeper and deeper into what you don't have,
and what you end up doing is taking up a
lot of mental space, a lot of energy that is
taken away now from new things and new opportunities. When
we use our mental space to think about could have,
(18:30):
would have? Should have? What if? If? This? If that,
what we're doing is we're stealing time from a new person.
We're stealing space from a new opportunity, We're stealing energy
from a new life. Why would you ever steal from yourself?
When we're more obsessed with the past rather than focused
(18:54):
on the opportunities of the present, we're stealing from ourselves.
We're stealing time, we're stealing energy, We're stealing growth. Don't
be a thief in your own life. Don't steal from
your own heart. That's what we have to realize we're
doing when we're obsessed with an X. We're stealing from
our own life while they're building theirs. We're stealing from
(19:16):
our own energy while they're sharing theirs. We're stealing from
our future while they're living there present. Don't let a
breakup break your connection with yourself. Focus on what actions
you can take to build right, you will be less
focused on the breakup if you're more focused on building.
(19:38):
Does that make sense? We get so obsessed with a
breakup that we forget to build, We forget to create,
we forget to organize, we forget to develop. That's the
opposite of breaking up. The opposite of breaking is building.
What are you building? Are you building your career? Are
you building yourself? Are you putting the energy into building something?
(20:00):
Trying to manage the breakup? But what ends up happening
if you're trying to manage the breakup is you just
fall deeper into the breakup. The breakup is something that
has to, to some degree naturally, over time, be replaced
by what you're building. It gets healed by building. If
you just stay focused on the breakup for a long
period of time, you actually take energy away from building. Now,
(20:25):
if you're still not over your ex I want you
to know that you're not weak, you're not behind, and
you have to remember that everyone who is today in
a happy relationship once felt that they wouldn't get over
their ex It's such a natural feeling. It's such a
(20:45):
natural emotion, it's so real and true. And everyone that
you see today that has the life that you may
want one day, at one point in their life felt
that way about someone they went out with. And sometimes
the reason why it's so hard is we feel we
missed out on someone who is perfect for us. We
missed out on someone who we feel had everything we
(21:08):
ever wanted. But here's the thing, they didn't have the
one most important thing that you want, and that is
they didn't want what you wanted. You can want someone
all you want. Someone can have everything you want, someone
(21:28):
can be everything you want. But if they don't want
what you want with them, they're not for you. They're
not yours. If they don't want you, it doesn't matter
how much they have everything that you want. And I
promise you that that's the key part of a relationship.
When someone truly wants to be with you, when someone
(21:51):
truly wants to care for you, it doesn't matter how
many amazing skills, abilities, qualities someone has. If they don't
deeply want you, it will never have worked, it would
never have flourished, It will never have thrived. I want
to thank you so much for listening to today. I
hope you'll share this with a friend who's really struggling.
I know that this can be really heartbreaking and painful,
(22:13):
and I hope you'll pass this along. I also hope
you'll leave a review, because so many of you have
left so many beautiful ones. This was one recently that said,
this is an amazing podcast with great information to help
with any mental health challenges you're facing. Thank you so
much for sharing that. This one said this podcast emphasizes
(22:34):
just being there and alongside them is the most important
thing you can do to build resilient humans. What wonderful insight.
Thanks so much. This one's really beautiful too as well.
I have been watching this show for years and it
has helped me so much throughout those years and continues
to do so. I look forward to watching and listening
(22:56):
every single week. Thank you so much with these incredible,
incredible reviews. Please go ahead and leave reviews if you
have a chance to as well. It makes a huge
difference to podcasts. Thank you again for listening. I'm so
grateful to you, and remember forever in your corner and
always rooting for you. Thank you. If you love this episode,
(23:18):
you'll love my interview with Dr Gabor Matte on understanding
your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start
moving on from the past. Everything in nature grows only
where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't go o where
it's hard and thick, does it. It goes where it's
soft and green and vulnerable.
Host
Jay Shetty
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