Humor Quotes

“There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

“I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.”
― Madonna

“The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.”
― Jay McInerney, The Last of the Savages

“Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.”
― Bill Watterson

“I'm not going to wear a red dress," she said.
"It would look stunning, My Lady," she called.
She spoke to the bubbles gathered on the surface of the water. "If there's anyone I wish to stun at dinner, I'll hit him in the face.”
― Kristin Cashore, Graceling

“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
― Groucho Marx

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
― Will Rogers

“Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”
― Terry Pratchett

“Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.”
― Tamora Pierce, Melting Stones

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
― George Carlin

“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.”
― Bette Midler

“Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”
― Dr. Seuss

“In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.”
― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
― George Carlin

“He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with my news...check if I'm happy...”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.”
― Neil Gaiman

“What are all these?" Clary asked.
"Vials of holy water, blessed knives, steel and silver blades," Jace said, piling the weapons on the floor beside him, "electrum wire - not much use at the moment but it's always good to have spares - silver bullets, charms of protetion, crucifixes, stars of David-"
"Jesus," said Clary
"I doubt he'd fit."
"Jace." Clary was appalled.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.”
― Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.”
― Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse

“You possess other people's...bodies."

He accepted that statement with a nod.

"Do you want to possess my body?"

"I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that's not one of them.”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

“So when the moon's only partly full, you only feel a little wolfy?"
"You could say that."
"Well, you can go ahead and hang your head out the car window if you feel like it."
"I'm a werewolf, not a golden retriever.”
― Cassandra Clare

“Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“I'm saying that I'm a moody, insecure, narrow-minded, jealous, borderline homicidal bitch, and I want you to promise me that you're okay with that, because it's who I am, and you're what I need.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“Your friend's poetry is terrible," he said.
Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. "What?"
"I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Must you go? I was rather hoping you'd stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must."

"I'll stay," Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa had just vacated. "I can minister angelically."

"None too convincingly. And you're not as pretty to look at as Tessa is," Jem said, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow.

"How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared the experience to gazing at the radiance of the sun."

Jem still had his eyes closed. "If they mean it gives you a headache, they aren't wrong.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel

“What's the good of living if you don't try a few things?”
― Charles M. Schulz