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The Secrets of Enduring Love: How to Make Relationships Last
The Secrets of Enduring Love focuses on what couples actually do to maintain, nurture and nourish their relationships. The reader will be taken on a journey through different ways of doing relationships, focusing on the key themes which came out of the everyday acts of kindness and appreciation; the importance of home; communication and conflict management; sex and intimacy; incorporating others into the relationship (children, pets, friends, hobbies); and telling your own love story. One of the key messages from the research is that different things work for different people, and at different times in the relationship. For this reason the book focuses on the differnt practices that we might bring into our own relationships, helping us to recognise the small things which we may be already doing but which ordinarily go by unnoticed, and offering a helping hand to find out what works best for us.
224 pages, Paperback
First published February 4, 2016
About the author
Meg-John Barker
38 books321 followersDr. Meg-John Barker is a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Their popular books include the (anti-)self-help relationship book Rewriting the Rules, The Secrets of Enduring Love (with Jacqui Gabb), Queer: A Graphic History (with Julia Scheele), and Enjoy Sex, How, When and If You Want To (with Justin Hancock). Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and has published many academic books and papers on topics including non-monogamous relationships, sadomasochism, counselling, and mindfulness, as well as co-founding the journal Psychology & Sexuality and the activist-research organisation BiUK. They were the lead author of The Bisexuality Report – which has informed UK policy and practice around bisexuality – and are currently co-editing a book on non-binary gender with similar aims in that area. They are involved in running many public events on sexuality and relationships, including Sense about Sex and Critical Sexology. Meg-John is a UKCP accredited psychotherapist working with gender, sexually, and relationship diverse (GSRD) clients.
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
November 12, 2020
This book would have been super useful if we'd read it before getting married. A decade later it isn't that useful anymore, because we discovered on your own that we could find our own way within a patriarchal cishetnormative society.
This book is valuable in that it doesn't present the advice as a Truth, but as a choice on a spectrum. Some couples like to spend lots of time together, others don't. Some couples define their relationship by how much sex they have, others don't. Concepts such as love languages or attachment styles can provide insight but for some they work, for others they don't. There is no right way to have a relationship, the only people who can decide what is right for you, are you and your partner(s).
The only thing lacking perhaps is that they don't give much guidance on how to have these discussions. While most people in long term relationships will be able to discuss their needs, sometimes relationship books provide interesting new concepts to try out. The reading experience of this book mostly consisted of 'OK, I guess we're doing everything we can', we weren't really challenged to try a new viewpoint or a new method. In a way, it's one of the strengths of the book, that it doesn't prescribe something.
While the author of this book is queer, this book is surprisingly non-queer. Most of the couples seem to consist of m/f people who live in relatively traditional role patterns. While being a parent is brought up a lot, childfree living is not really addressed. As all the examples are drawn from their research study, apparently their sample consisted of few queer people, but it would have been nice to see ourselves represented in a book.
This book is valuable in that it doesn't present the advice as a Truth, but as a choice on a spectrum. Some couples like to spend lots of time together, others don't. Some couples define their relationship by how much sex they have, others don't. Concepts such as love languages or attachment styles can provide insight but for some they work, for others they don't. There is no right way to have a relationship, the only people who can decide what is right for you, are you and your partner(s).
The only thing lacking perhaps is that they don't give much guidance on how to have these discussions. While most people in long term relationships will be able to discuss their needs, sometimes relationship books provide interesting new concepts to try out. The reading experience of this book mostly consisted of 'OK, I guess we're doing everything we can', we weren't really challenged to try a new viewpoint or a new method. In a way, it's one of the strengths of the book, that it doesn't prescribe something.
While the author of this book is queer, this book is surprisingly non-queer. Most of the couples seem to consist of m/f people who live in relatively traditional role patterns. While being a parent is brought up a lot, childfree living is not really addressed. As all the examples are drawn from their research study, apparently their sample consisted of few queer people, but it would have been nice to see ourselves represented in a book.
August 8, 2017
I love Meg John Barker's writing, its very accessible, well considered, inclusive and intelligent. Something that has been sorely missing on the subject of love and relationships. I really like the emphasis on working out what works for you rather than what society deems as acceptable or traditional. It seems clear to me that traditional ideas of relationships are not working anymore, you cannot build a connection between 2 people and have a set of inflexible rules. Meg John's writing addresses this and talks about the importance of negotiation and key of all communication.
I work with couples and communication is alway at the heart of any problems within relationships, the desire to be right often winning over an interest in understanding one's partner. Society also has a part to play the media presentation of relationships are often not helpful with endless stories of how to meet someone and fall in love but very little on what happens next. It is therefore so refreshing to read a book that talks about what happens next without saying this is how it should be but exploring what you want and how to get better at asking for that.
I work with couples and communication is alway at the heart of any problems within relationships, the desire to be right often winning over an interest in understanding one's partner. Society also has a part to play the media presentation of relationships are often not helpful with endless stories of how to meet someone and fall in love but very little on what happens next. It is therefore so refreshing to read a book that talks about what happens next without saying this is how it should be but exploring what you want and how to get better at asking for that.
August 18, 2020
I really liked this book!
I've never read any self-help type books before so I'm not sure how this fits with that format, but I did find it a little hard to get into initially. The only complaint I have is the uses of quotes from their study - I didn't think they were always super relevant or they seemed a bit long-winded and lost the message a little bit.
But generally speaking, I found this book incredibly accessible. I really like how Barker and Gabb were able to throw "normality" in the bin and found ways to make it (I think) something that anyone could identify with. Personally I am a hopeless romantic at heart, and found lots of their points in line with how I feel, but they equally portrayed other perspectives and ideals so that nothing could be construed as "wrong". The advice within these pages is easily applicable to anyone who wants to understand love, and understand themselves for the betterment of their relationships - both romantic and otherwise!
Overall definitely like this book and would definitely recommend.
I've never read any self-help type books before so I'm not sure how this fits with that format, but I did find it a little hard to get into initially. The only complaint I have is the uses of quotes from their study - I didn't think they were always super relevant or they seemed a bit long-winded and lost the message a little bit.
But generally speaking, I found this book incredibly accessible. I really like how Barker and Gabb were able to throw "normality" in the bin and found ways to make it (I think) something that anyone could identify with. Personally I am a hopeless romantic at heart, and found lots of their points in line with how I feel, but they equally portrayed other perspectives and ideals so that nothing could be construed as "wrong". The advice within these pages is easily applicable to anyone who wants to understand love, and understand themselves for the betterment of their relationships - both romantic and otherwise!
Overall definitely like this book and would definitely recommend.
August 13, 2017
Found this to be a good and genuinely holistic book yet was left wanting more. As an intro to Dr.Barker's work, it's good; there's an immediate sense of relatability & understanding that comes across in almost every passage. That's extremely impressive and made feel well held as a reader. Would recommend to anyone beginning a journey into understanding more about themselves, their relationships, sexuality and then move on from there. Not so much 'secrets' as 'understanding' or 'nurturing' or perhaps investigating too.
August 8, 2020
As always, Meg John Barker writes with care and a great deal of consideration, which makes their books inclusive, gentle and a pleasure to read. Rather than one-size-fits-all instructions, the book encourages thought and discussion on what sustains and strengthens your relationship.
As an aside, I was so appreciative of the weight pets were given as an important element in a family. I didn't feel alienated as someone without children, because lots of different types of families/relationships - including those with only four-legged dependents - were presented as equally valid!
As an aside, I was so appreciative of the weight pets were given as an important element in a family. I didn't feel alienated as someone without children, because lots of different types of families/relationships - including those with only four-legged dependents - were presented as equally valid!
March 6, 2020
Would give the book a 3.5 stars.
The writing was really accessible and overall had a non-judgmental and approachable air. The book was full of quotations from interviews with real-life couples and it was heartwarming to read some of the stories - it helps the reader learn about the many ways there are to 'do relationships'. The chapter on sex had a bit of a condescending tone at times. The book also covered non-monogamous relationships and how they can work, which was insightful.
The writing was really accessible and overall had a non-judgmental and approachable air. The book was full of quotations from interviews with real-life couples and it was heartwarming to read some of the stories - it helps the reader learn about the many ways there are to 'do relationships'. The chapter on sex had a bit of a condescending tone at times. The book also covered non-monogamous relationships and how they can work, which was insightful.
October 10, 2018
A thoughtful and well-written book.
I picked up this book after listening to [and enjoying] a few episodes of the Meg-John & Justin podcast. I didn't read it cover-to-cover, but I enjoyed skimming through.
I picked up this book after listening to [and enjoying] a few episodes of the Meg-John & Justin podcast. I didn't read it cover-to-cover, but I enjoyed skimming through.
October 25, 2020
A really respectful approach to relationships and different approaches. I really enjoyed the way it discussed common relationship expectations/tropes and compared them to what was happening in the lives of the people who participated in their research
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews