June 6, 1998. Do you remember where you were the night that Sex and the City premiered? I know I do. I was watching Matlock reruns with my older brother a.k.a. STILL BEING A VIRGIN! I was 14 years old; the last thing my parents wanted was to get cable and have me get ideas from these four fictional women—Carrie Bradshaw, Samantha Jones, Miranda Hobbes, and Charlotte York—and then try to cash in my virginity like it was a gift card to Barnes & Noble. (Except that instead of getting books, I'd just get a heart boner over a teenage boy.) And here I am, years later, and things have certainly changed: My V-card has a zero balance on it, I've dated a guy I proudly called my "Aidan," and I have a wonderful group of girl friends who have become my second family. I owe a lot of this to HBO's landmark raunchy-yet-touching comedy (which I discovered while in college) as it was the unofficial life guide that I used to help me navigate through my 20s in New York City.
So, in honor of Sex and City's anniversary, I'm kicking back with a cosmopolitan (actually, it's a glass of kombucha, which instead of making me tipsy will make me toot like a jazz solo on the HBO show Treme), queuing up season four in my DVD player, and sharing some of the wisdom that Carrie & Co. bestowed upon me:
Lesson #1: If Your Face Is on a Poster, a Penis Will Be Drawn on It. That's Just Science.
Look, Bill Nye the Science Guy may be an expert on protons and neutrons, but SATC pretty much has a master's in Strangers Love Drawing Dangling Peens on Successful People's Faces. And, yes, this is a DeVry University degree, and, no, the credits you currently have will not count if you transfer over to this school. The point is that some New Yorkers don't give a damn about your good fortune, especially when it's photoshopped and staring them back during the morning commute. So the best you can do is hang out near a bus or a subway like you're a little kid waiting for Santa to come down the chimney and snap a photo of your poster as soon as it's up because in about 20 minutes a Sharpie-colored peen will look as though it's crashing into your head like it's the Starship Enterprise crashing into planet Veridian III.
Lesson #2: Learn How to Be Like Your Bank and Accept Direct Deposit Without Questions A.K.A. Accept When a Man Don't Want You and Move on With Your Damn Life
For six long seasons, we watched Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) go back to Big (Chris Noth) time and time again after he had consistently showed that he had commitment issues. Hello! He didn't want to introduce her to his mother, which is a red flag that would make any smart person react the way I do when a yoga instructor says to hold a really difficult pose for 10 more seconds:
Real talk, if you're dating a dude and he's treating you like the private window tab in Firefox that he uses so the messed up stuff he's googling doesn't appear in his browser history, then—repeat after me, readers—he. Don't. Want. You. Embrace that and quit holding out hope or, worse, getting back together with someone who is stringing you along. Yes, I do get that things worked out with Carrie and Big, but that's because this is TV and not real life. In real life, he will end up with someone else and will post pictures of his kids on Facebook.
Lesson #3: Walking Around New York City in Heels Will Jack Your Feet Up and Piss Off Your Friends
I know, I know. Carrie & Co. make rocking four-, five-, and even six-inch heels seem glamorous and fabulous. But by now, we've all seen the pictures online that show the actresses wearing UGG boots when not shooting a scene. If you attempt to walk around NYC all day in sky-high heels like these characters, by the time it's lunch, you're going to collapse to the ground and say...
Meanwhile, your friends will cuss you the hell out like this is a Real World/Road Rules challenge and they can't win unless every person crosses the finish line. So wear your sneakers or cute flats and save the drama for your mama.
Lesson #4: This Show Was the Pavlov's Dog for Materialism
My parents were not about "oohing" and "aahing" over designer labels like they just witnessed David Copperfield saw a lady in half. I was like that as well, until I started watching SATC. At first, I was just like, "Oh, that's cute," but quickly, I'd salivate every time a new outfit appeared on-screen. Eventually, I started buying expensive clothes I couldn't afford because somehow H&M was suddenly not good enough for me. Luckily, I was able to break out of this cycle before I did too much damage and became like Carrie, who said things like this: "Sometimes I'd buy *Vogue *instead of dinner. I felt it fed me more." Uh, girl,
Lesson #5: Vajayjays Can Get a Case of the Sads
In "The Real Me," Charlotte (Kristen Davis) breaks the following news about her "down there" to Carrie and Miranda (Cynthia Nixon):
Until I saw this episode, I was unaware that lady bits could get sad like Winnie the Pooh when he realizes he's out of honey. Be honest, who knew about this before this SATC episode aired?
Lesson #6: Carrie Bradshaw Is a Horrible Writer
And I'm saying this with love. Carrie was my girl, even when she did annoying things like cheat on Aidan (John Corbett) or say "Hello, Lover" at a pair of shoes. However, when it comes to her abilities as a writer, I could not look past that fact that they are sub-par at best. I never for a second bought that Vogue loved her enough to pay her four dollars a word. I mean, her columns were filled with incredibly cheesy lines, such as "We were dressed head to toe in love—the only label that never goes out of style" and "When it comes to a trial, you have to listen to the evidence. But when it comes to the trials of love, you have to listen to your heart." Um, I wouldn't pay 50 cents for this mess. In fact, I got to hear this stuff for free, and it still felt like I got swindled.
Lesson #7: Miranda's Clothes for the First Three Seasons Were a Hot, Tragic Mess
Miranda, if your fashion inspiration is the green pea soup that Linda Blair barfed on the priest in The Exorcist, then you've got issues. And those issues are called "The Wardrobe Department Did a Julia Andrews 'I Don't Give an F on Top of a Hill Side Spin' About How You Look."
Lesson #8: Don't Try to Make Your Current Boo and Old Boo Each Other's In Case of Emergency Person. Your New Man and Your Ex Don't Need to Be Friends
OK, OK, this vid is not in English—but if you've seen the show, you know the gist: Carrie tells Big that he needs to be friends with Aidan or she can't keep him in her life, and then Big and Aidan get into a huge fight. Listen to me when I say that this is dumber than dumb. It's a cute dream to want yourself, your current BF, and your ex to be one happy mixed family like the Kardashians, but that's not realistic and only happens on TV shows. It's better to keep your past and present loves separate.
Lesson #9: When Your Bestie Catches You Cheating With Your Married Ex, She Is Mentally Putting On a Doily So She Can Judge You Judge Judy Style
In season three, Charlotte catches Carrie and Big together and deduces that they're having an affair:
I love how Char reacts to the affair the way I do when I take an apple from the bottom of the pile at Whole Foods because it looks the best, but doing this make the entire pile crash to the ground:
Later, she gave Carrie a stern talking to about getting in the middle of someone's marriage. Only a good friend would tell you what you don't want to hear so you can snap out of your shady behavior. Hold on to this friend because they will let you know when you're about turn your life a Fast and the Furious 10-car pile-up and then try to help you get back on track.
Lesson #10: No Man Wants to Put Up With You If You're Going to Turn Your Wedding to Him Into the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus
In the first Sex and the City movie, Carrie and Big's wedding gets out of hand. What originally was supposed to be small ceremony ballooned into a 300+ guest extravaganza, a Vogue photo-shoot spread, and countless other over-the-top shenanigans. Look, I'm not saying you can't have a fantastic wedding, but it needs to be within reason. It shouldn't be this giant production that's all about you instead of being a celebration of you and your soon-to-be-husband. As Big says in the movie (in response to Carrie stating that the wedding spiraling out of control is just a symptom of what they want), "No, this is what you wanted."
Lesson #11: Get Married for the Right Reasons. Duh!
Worrying about closet size is why Big left Carrie at the altar in the first place. Instead of talking about blending their lives together and other practical marriage issues, they were caught up in the fantasy of it: him buying a fabulous party, her planning a grandiose wedding. This resulted in Big having major cold feet and temporarily ending their relationship.
Also, consider having sex before marriage (if you're not a virgin). For reals. Charlotte and Trey (Kyle MacLachlan) waiting until they got married to consummate their relationship, when they have spent their entire adult lives having sex with other people, was ill-advised. She should've at least called his exes the way HR calls people's references when folks are applying for jobs and find out if he was good in bed. Bottom line: Not having sex before marriage is like eating at a restaurant that has zero Yelp reviews. You're rolling the dice.
Lesson #12: Don't Munch on Two Scoops of Foolishness When It Comes to Money.
I mean, really. Spending $40,000 on shoes is downright ignorant. I don't think there's much more to say than that, is there?
Lesson #13: Sequels Are Horrible.org
Look, I love me some Aidan, especially in Sex and the City 2 because he looked like a giant, delicious Cliff bar after a morning run:
BUT this sequel was completely unnecessary and pointless. The big drama was that Carrie kissed Aidan? That's it?! After all the drama we've been through with these characters over the course of six seasons and a movie, this is what the writers give us? This B.S. ABC after-school special dilemma? Obvs, making out with a dude who isn't your husband is bad news bears, but in the world of SATC, this transgression has all the relevancy of friending someone on LinkedIn: none.
Lesson #14: Friendships Are Some of the Most Important Relationships You Will Ever Have in Your Life, So Cherish Them!
Samantha (Kim Cattrall) offered to babysit Brady for Miranda. Charlotte lent Carrie money, so Carrie could purchase an apartment. A pregnant Miranda emotionally supporting Charlotte, who was struggling with her fertility. Carrie helped get the girls together, so they could support Miranda after her mother passed away. All of these are examples of just how much the these ladies were there for each other. This show, like The Golden Girls that came before it, was about the special relationship that woman have with one another. Sure, dating men plays a huge role, but like Big says: "You girls are the loves of her life; a guy is lucky to come in fourth."
Lesson #15: Only on SATC Would a Woman Dump Her Fine-Ass Doctor Boyfriend (Who Loves Your Baby That AIN'T His) and Get Back Together With Her Jankity Ex Who Sounds Like a Character From Bobby's World
Harsh? Maybe, but I'm being honest. Sure, Steve was all cute with his little legs and tiny voice, but sexy New York Knicks doctor Robert (Blair Underwood) was the jam. He had hot chemistry with her, their sex was awesome, and he lurved her. I know Steve and Miranda were meant to be together, but I still made this face when she gave Robert his two weeks notice and picked Steve:
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