Tracey Cox reveals why your friends are having much less sex than you think
- British expert Tracey Cox reveals perceptions of sexual frequency are skewed
- Read More: TRACEY COX gives 10 reasons marriage is harder than 10 years ago
In a world obsessed with success and comparison, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one not living an exciting, sex-filled life.
The reality is our perceptions of sexual frequency are heavily skewed and hopelessly inaccurate: most of us believe everyone else is having much more sex than they are. And it’s making us miserable.
Time for a reality check.
How often we have sex is dependent on so many factors, it’s almost impossible to predict what anyone else is up to.
Forget drunken boasts and sexy Instagram posts, these are the things that really reveal what’s going in other people’s bedrooms.
Read – then relax!
Tracey Cox says our perceptions of sexual frequency are heavily skewed and hopelessly inaccurate (stock image)
How old you are
The younger you are, the more sex you have. The older you are, the less sex you have.
No-one’s going to be surprised by this: our energy levels fall as we age, so do the hormone levels that fuel our sex drives.
What you might be surprised by is how quickly our peak frequency drops – from a very young age.
Men and women in their mid-20s to mid-30s have sex an average of eight to nine times a month. Two years in, this drops to six times per month. People under 25 have sex around eleven times a month but even they have it less often the longer they’ve been with their partner.
Which leads me to the second most crucial factor affecting frequency…
How long you've been together
One study (the Archive of Sexual Behaviour) estimates couples have sex 146 times per year in their first year together. This drops to 86 times in the second year.
Yep. It falls that fast.
Why does desire decline the longer we are together? Because desire likes new things – and a new body to have sex with is the best thing of all! We also want what we can’t have: sex on tap 24/7 can dampen the liveliest libido.
Then there’s overfamiliarity which produces ‘the sibling effect’. The closer you get to your partner, the less you desire them. Cosy and connected fuels love not desire. The drop of frequency over time is even more dramatic if you’re a woman.
The drop of frequency over time is even more dramatic if you’re a woman.
British expert Tracey Cox (pictured) revealed the statistic that ‘most people have sex 2.5 times a week’ was never correct
What gender you are
The longer a relationship lasts, the more a woman’s desire for sex decreases.
A German study found while 60 per cent of women want frequent sex at the start of a relationship, in the four years that follow, that figure drops to less than 50 per cent and after 20 years falls to about 20 percent.
Four years into a relationship, less than half of the 30-year-old women wanted regular sex. Men’s libido generally remained stable throughout the duration of a relationship.
Why do women go off sex more quickly than men?
Boredom is a big factor.
US sex therapist Ian Kerner researched 341 respondents in committed relationships: women were twice as likely as men to report that they were bored in the first year, and in the first three years, of a relationship.
Women are also more strongly influenced by another important factor that determines how often a couple ‘do it’.
How good the sex is when you have it
The better the sex you’re having, the more often you’re likely to have it.
The ‘quality trumps quantity’ rule runs through all reputable research and studies: couples who report higher levels of sexual satisfaction have sex more frequently. About twice as often as couples who don’t score high on satisfaction.
No-one has great sex all the time. It’s normal for five to 15 per cent of sexual experiences to be mediocre or unsatisfying. (If you aren’t ‘failing’, you aren’t trying new things.) Clock up more than this, however, and you could be heading for trouble.
What your natural sex drive is
How often we crave sex is partly preset: there’s a genetic element. The messages you get about sex during childhood also influence adult desire, as do any traumatic experiences.
If you both have a strong drive for sex, you’ll be the couple having the most sex. Even though everyone’s libido is boosted at the start, this tends to become apparent quickly.
How often you have sex in the first year you’re together dictates how often you will have sex from then on. Research shows it sets the pattern – if you’re having an above average amount of sex, this continues even after two years when there’s a drop off point.
It's also true that the person with the lowest sex drives sets the amount the couple have sex. It rarely, if ever, settles on how much the higher sex drive person would like to do it.
Check out traceycox.com for Tracey’s blog, books, podcast and product ranges.
