saint_brett

'Combat Shock' AKA 'American Nightmare' was the first ever "$1 a week" VHS rental I borrowed, and boy what an atomic, bleak disaster it turned out to be when I first saw it.

Hated every minute of it.

I don't know how or why, but the movie grew on me over the years, and I learned to start enjoying it for some reason, but in a love/hate way.

Read some of the appraisals on the video cover, would you?

"Like a bullet to the head." "Makes you want to slit your wrists." (What other movie can motivate that kind of enthusiasm?) "One of the most harrowing horror films I have ever seen."

Personally, I wouldn't classify 'Combat Shock' as a horror movie myself.

And if I were to write a quick synopsis for this crap, it would read, "Infects the viewer with clinical depression."

So, what looks like Danny Tanner is in his army fatigues and doing double duty by trudging through the mud of a river at the start of the movie in a flashback of his days in the army overseas. He's separated from his squad and trying to re-establish contact but is lost and just going around in circles.

Being hunted by a family of four, he manages to waste the youngest and ends up being captured, tortured, and traumatized.

It's not shown how he's released from captivity, but we then find him strolling the streets of New York somewhere, a returned serviceman.

His living quarters are substandard, and the sound that baby makes is something foreign and alien.

The only pretty petal in this movie - other than the biker babe later - is Danny Tanner's old lady, who's a glowing sunflower in this gloomy, drab part of New York. I never caught her, or the basket case's, name in the movie.

The baby makes these synthesizer exorcist noises like it's possessed by a voice moderator of some variety.

After establishing that Danny Tanner is a head of a family, we then get to watch him walk around the bomb-hit streets like Bruce Springsteen in that 'Philadelphia' music clip. These are real red zones of New York somewhere. I'd say The Bronx, but that's too obvious. It's some outer suburb of the trenches, I don't know.

Why doesn't his old lady just breastfeed the poor little critter if there's no food?

This movie makes one appreciate what they have in life. You're just glad you're not in this guy's shoes.

With no shoelaces, operational toilet, or food, the family's misery is compounded by the fact that they're about to be evicted as well. This is the lowest one can sink in life. It's even worse than living on skid row. The movie captures well the dire situation of their struggle.

Escaping from his family for the day, Danny Tanner wanders aimlessly with no prospects and starts encountering hustlers and junkies who are a bad influence and only add to the degrees of difficulty.

When Danny Tanner left New York, all The Wanderers and the like were the in-thing, but upon his return now, the gangs resemble Prince's Revolution members or Karate Kid wannabes.

The alien baby in this looks like it took a bath in that toxic crap from 'Robocop.'

Danny Tanner keeps having flashbacks as a prisoner of war, which give you an insight into his background and what caused his desertion of duty.

A 10/10 biker babe goes window shopping at the unemployment line and for some unknown reason picks Danny Tanner out, but due to him being such an incompetent pissant, he declines her invitation, and I put this down to his low levels of confidence. But in his defense, he's staying faithful to his beast back home, so honesty is one of his traits.

It's depressing watching all these deadbeats with no futures. Why does all their activity center around drug use?

Can you really get high by stabbing yourself with wire and just daubing the powder on an open wound? He sure wasted about 90% of that packet.

"This movie's depressing, and because it's depressing, I'm compelled to state that it's depressing."

The mildew in Danny Tanner's apartment can't be healthy for that toxic baby. The place is in need of a complete overhaul. The movie's core suffering is inside this apartment building. Imagine waking up every morning to this.

The toxic baby continues to make fire truck sounds, but one scene stands out when it becomes animated over some instant concrete mix feed time and kicks its legs in approval and makes some contented happy sounds for a change. (I thought things were looking up when I saw this scene, and the baby showed promising signs of improvement.)

Is anyone aware that maggots are high in protein?

With no job looking for him, Danny Tanner resorts to a robbery felony and is caught in the act and pursued by the 80s Revolution gang. The score accompanying this chase scene sounds like it's a Doors B-side track running on half-empty batteries.

Add three counts of murder now to Danny Tanner's record. He wastes the 80s Revolution band.

I don't know what's more depressing, Danny Tanner's exploits on the streets of Philadelphia or his home life with his old lady and toxic avenger baby. Surely there were better days ahead for this family. It couldn't have sunken any lower than what's on display. Surely a trip to the mall at Christmas as a family unit to have a group photo taken with Santa would have bolstered spirits some.

Imagine watching this movie on Christmas Eve.

So, the only way Danny Tanner can save his family from his own misery is by sacrifice. He's probably one of those "If I can't have you, then no one can" jealous types, as he's overprotective of what's-her-name. You have to admire his dedication to the love of his family and staying loyal to them.

Nearing the end of the movie, the little alien critter is still starving and starts resembling ET on the BMX bike.

I was under the impression Danny Tanner puts the little creature in a microwave. It's a gas oven. He doesn't even prepare it or tenderize it.

If 'Die Hard' is a Christmas movie, then so is this.

I'd love to give this 10/10 as it's so effective in its misery, but because it inflicts that pain onto the viewer, I despise its impact for being so offensive.

A solid 8 is warranted, but I'm leaning toward a 10/10 as this crap stays with you for days afterward.

Normally every Halloween I'll watch either 'The Fog,' 'Island Claws,' 'Halloween,' 'Trick 'r Treat,' or 'Halloween 3: Season of the Witch.' It's tradition. But this year I'm going with something entirely different, and it's by the director of 'Kids' called 'Gummo.' It's a horror movie, right? I mean, all the deformed, twisted weirdos on the cover qualify it as a horror movie in my books.

And besides, Frank the Bunny is in it, so I rest my case.

Wasn't Frank the Bunny also in that 'Trash Humpers' garbage?

Can we just clarify something first? Who's actually Gummo in this movie? I thought it was that oddball kid with the enormous skull, but he's Solomon. Or, what's Gummo?

Apparently, this is one of Vanilla Ice's favorite movies? Does that boost this movie's credibility or help in any way?

So, in Xenia, Ohio, a mysterious toxic breeze blows in and leaves all its residents deformed and unhinged.

Can you hold the camera still, please, Mr. Director?

Love the poor dog wedged in the powerlines, or is it a wolf? Either way bombs away.

Diabetes is mentioned early in the movie. "Hi, I'm Walter Brimley."

This must tell the story of a young Frank the Bunny and how he came to be in Donnie Darko. So, it's a prequel to that movie. I see.

Nice touch having one of the Clampett's singing the intro song.

Oh man, animal cruelty? I'm a cat owner for Christ sake! They test me at times, but I love them still. And love's not a word I use often either.

The movie cuts to a beagle-eyed lot lizard who's informed of an abnormality on her breast. Everyone in this movie suffers from ailments.

Who names their cat Foot Foot?

This town's water supply must have been infected by fracking.

"If she's pregnant, we'll have to drown all nine kittens in the creek." The movie's main focus is on the hatred of stray felines.

Why are these chicks waxing their nipples?

And who wants to go to their grave saturated in gravy? That's why I'm being cremated, as I don't wish to be lowered into an eternal pit coated in savory gravy. Hey, if this movie's talking some major smack, then so can I. Back at you, movie. I'm not being buried in gravy.

The two Nazis fighting in the kitchen are playing to the camera and seem amateur in their actions. Nervous were we, boys? You don't see either of these two again, so what was the point of their cameo?

Not the family truckster again!

Knockout centerfold Ellen shows up, and I'd like to tear a piece of that off.

This town's just full of backwoods trailer trash. It's depressing and giving me flashbacks of Macksville and my cousins.

There's not much stability to this movie. It just keeps jumping from one skit to another like it's a "best of" in the life of Bum Fights family offspring. Or, Jerry Springer rejects who didn't make the cut for his show as they were too explicit.

Punching above his weight, Solomon seeks out the services of a demented 40-year-old who's cosplaying as a 12-year-old in a role-playing fantasy of childish proportions. It's as perverse as the boy at the end dressing like a girl.

That's not how you apply broken glass to a spiked meal. If you want ground glass, you have to bash it in a cloth with a heavy-duty hammer and not one of those piddly rubber ones.

Solomon's got some moves when he starts aerobicizing in the basement, and his head would make a great Halloween mask. His dancing queen mother joins in - after the gun episode - and she has the same body as my Aunt Marlene.

Oh my, look at this beauty school dropout albino starlet lady. Sorry, ma'am, I didn't catch your name. Apparently, she was born with no toes and walks on her heels. Then how the hell am I expected to ask her for a dance? Sure as hell, she couldn't perform any karate. Technically, with no toes, does that mean you don't have feet? So, she can't get her feet wet in the water as she only has hocks?

I forgot to mention Wee Man a few scenes back and his incredible display of acting prowess that should have won him an award. Wasn't he the hula dress-wearing dancer in Corey Feldman's Howard Stern appearance?

The movie pretty much belongs to Tummler. He kind of steals the show and is the only one with any purpose.

They're not showing enough of Frank the Bunny, though.

Hmm, just when you think it can't get any more bizarre, a four-legged chair is then initiated to join a food stamp gang of uneducated drunks and doesn't prove its worth to become a member.

Remember that Slipknot song No Life? I keep singing it while watching this.

This is sad, pathetic, and depressing.

I hope it's not based on a true story.

The main vice for these junkies is sniffing glue. No doubt they'd upgrade to washing pods if they survived to live this long. The idiots around my area inhale soda bulbs.

Who the hell's Arioch?

This movie would be complete if GG Allen made an appearance. Although he's a different kettle of fish altogether, and that's entirely another story.

Hot number Ellen shows up again, showcasing her cheerleading skills, but she's got some competition with that albino creature floating around. (Sadly, you don't get to see her again either.)

Did I mention I got cousins like this? I tried to hang around them years ago, but it took me a long time to distance myself from them as they were just plain users.

Most of the people appearing in this movie are the sorts Mark Laita would interview.

Ellen reveals she suffers from alopecia, which strips a percentage of her beauty away. Earlier those other two were waxing the hair off their nipples; now this one has no eyebrows.

Frank the Bunny plays the accordion in a piece titled Outhouse Blues. He contributes very little to the plot.

These two arguing in sign language at the bowling alley sound like a couple from 'The Muppets.'

The horror in this movie is unspeakable. It just sinks lower and lower the longer it runs.

This is how the other half lives, people.

Child protective services should be notified immediately, judging by the color of Solomon's bath water.

Like Everlast sang, you never really know what it's like until you've walked a mile in these people's shoes. But, who'd want to? Their lives are miserable and pathetic. I'm repeating myself, right?

'Gummo' goes against the grain of decency and is antiestablishment. It has all the formula to fuel activists to use to their advantage.

Under no circumstances, watch this movie if you're a cat owner. That's why my rating is severely down.

This feature, about random no-hopers living in a perpetual world of dead ends, plays like a documentary for the most part. And is downright depressing. But it could also be a blessing in disguise and used as inspirational motivation to help one clean their act up and become a contributing member of society so as you don't fall into the same depravities as these underachieving deadbeats.

And yes, I'm looking down my nose at all these people. How dare they offend my sensibilities with this foul, rotten behavior?

Everyone's born equal? My ass they are!

Some people have no class in life. They're not cultured.

Not that it matters, but I should be in Loleta, Humboldt County, Northern California, right now had my travel plans gone ahead. Sadly, due to poor health, I had to cancel. Happy Halloween.

It looks like this movie was filmed on an expired film reel.

Restrained in a Gainesville mental health facility, what looks like the lead singer from The Pet Shop Boys receives medication to alleviate uncontrollable fits of screaming.

The movie keeps jumping back and forth with the Gainesville Ripper fantasizing about his sordid, lust-filled exploits based on barbaric torture for pleasure with the ensuing bouts of screaming.

That's not Neil Tennant; it's Batman's boy wonder offsider, young Robin. Although he looks a bit like Teddy Atlas from a side angle.

With a wrap sheet longer than his arm, the state deems it safe for boy wonders release even though he mutilated an entire family years ago. If this killer was jailed when he was only a kid, then how'd he learn to drive and obtain a license upon release?

Once out, the first point of call is to visit a strip club, and here we meet a 3D model who's up in your face and a 10/10 ample bombshell.

This clown dresses like a Pet Shop Boy, though.

Half these strippers are locked behind glass cages like animals.

In a private booth, the Pet Shop Boy is aroused by an oversexed phone operator and froths at the mouth like he has rabies to the point of climax.

Dressed like Inspector Gadget, the Gainesville Ripper then trawls the highway for opportunity and roadkill. His luck runs out when his rental throws in the towel, leaving him stranded halfway between North and South Carolina.

An escaped cowboy from the circus strumming a guitar in the bar looks like Ron Jeremy.

We then meet secretary Barbara, who's got victim tattooed all over her in neon sparkles.

What that Paul Simon?

Okay, movie, do you have to be so graphic with Barbara's demise?

If you're going to do this movie, then go with the uncut version. This movie's a bit disturbed and makes 'Maniac' look PG-13. I mean, some of Jason's kills have traces of humor about them, but this is dead serious stuff.

What's-his-name looks a bit like Matt Damon or Robert Patrick perhaps?

The Gainesville Reaper now roams around in Barbara's stolen lemon in his pursuit of more cadavers.

Oh, not the family truckster again. It's in every 80s movie.

The Gainesville Reaper targets Tommy Doyle next. Doyle just faked his own death in a trick-or-treating stunt and even had me going. I was like, why are they just standing around and not calling the paramedics?

This dysfunctional family is the movie's focus for the second part of the film, where attention seeker Tommy Doyle has traces of the boy who cried wolf written all over him.

Is that Karl Malden?

As if this movie couldn't be depraved enough already, the mother then hooks up with the Yorkshire Ripper as her love interest.

Inspector Gadget stands on the beach with his pockets full of candy, watching Tommy Doyle from afar. The kids misery is then further compounded when the Yorkshire Ripper confides in him his desire to marry his mother.

I'm a fan of these movies with menacing phone calls. "Have you checked the children?" Sadly, they don't make those kinds of movies anymore.

Speaking of phone calls, the Gainesville Ripper calls a sex phone hotline and has one of his orthodox orgasms again. This guy's just your standard pervert who should be wearing an ankle monitor.

Holy Hogwarts - pause the movie at exactly the 1:06:12 minute mark and tell me that's not Jeffrey Dahmer on the left there.

Tommy Doyle becomes the main suspect in the murder of his best friend but denies any wrongdoing.

To cut a long story short, he pumps the Gainesville Reaper with about six rounds at the end. One of them is a liver shot, so technically he should be dead, but I've seen too many of these movies to know otherwise.

As if the Gainesville ripper isn't scary enough now he dons this creepy mask and just copped another one square between the chest.

How many bullets are in this gun?

Not satisfied with the six shooter, Tommy Doyle then pulls a shotgun off a rack and pumps two more shells in the Gainesville Ripper for good measure.

Surely he's out for the count this time? (The mother should have been charged for not securing that firearm. That house was unlocked the entire movie, and minors were roaming around at all times with an unsecured firearm within arms reach.)

So, all the bodies are brought out, and it's very weak and almost an afterthought for the mother to lose her composure when she sees the Gainesville Rippers face and declares, "That's my ex-husband." That scene was very weak and shouldn't have been included.

As a bonus feature to the movie, we get to see what the Gainesville Ripper did as a child to partially explain his background. Love this scene.

I won't go into great detail, but isn't this what you'd consider classic family entertainment for the entire family to enjoy? Gather everyone around and watch what the young Gainesville Ripper does to his mother and lover.

Kid looks like a young Charles Whitman.

This is like the cream of the crop with horror on full display to sate your thirst for gore. They should have accompanied this ax scene with that Louis Armstrong song.

Isn't the movie industry just full of sound-minded individuals?

'Madman' was one of those iconic movie posters in the video rental stores that always stood out along with 'Halloween 2,' 'Blackout,' 'The Slayer,' and 'Texas Chainsaw.' I don't know what it was, but I was always drawn to the horror section as a kid, and here I found myself surrounded by all these baddies and holy hot dogs, was I curious what this world meant? (I thought it was real as a kid and that I'd meet some of these masked thugs one day.)

Mad Man Marz, eh? That's right, don't say his name out in the woods, right? It's no secret this guy's just Jason's distant cousin.

The movie starts out with a campfire and a handful of actors, all of whom couldn't make the cut for a 'Friday the 13th' feature.

Did they just hint at a recap of all their pre-murders in the first four minutes?

Is that Jon Voight?

This whole "Don't say his name above a whisper" is all hogwash. I once filmed a YouTube video and gave him a holla, and nothing happened.

There are elemental traces of 'Just Before Dawn,' 'Slaughterhouse,' and 'Humongous' about this movie as well. I don't know who stole what from each film, though. All I know is they were all inspired by 'Friday the 13th' and will never receive the same props as that movie.

Wouldn't pushing the handle down be the best way to get that ax out of the chopping block?

Mad Man just looks and sounds like Big Foot. He's already wasted the guitarist from Van Halen. Actually, on second thought, that guy looked like Buddy from 'Slaughterhouse.'

Like in 'Friday the 13th,' the head of camp leaves for town, and this second-rate clone movie has no shame.

Is that Hall or Oats? For a minute there, I thought it was Lionel Ritchie.

These actors are all conscious of the fact that they're stealing aspects from 'Friday the 13th,' and I question what the point of copyright is when there's blatant piracy breaches.

Is that Screech? He could be any high school dropout from 'Welcome Back, Kotter.'

What looks like Tori Spelling is the Alice of this movie.

I'd hate to point out that around the 48-minute mark you can see the sun starting to rise in the background skyline even though a clock on the wall said it was twelve in the morning only a few scenes back.

The score in this sounds like some cheap, wacky 'Blue Underground' garbage from a movie based in New York.

None of the kills have stood out so far. It's been dragged down by the banal cast, who are doing their best to look bewildered at every turn and stand around idle most times due to lousy writing.

There's a lady here trying to fix a car engine with a screwdriver.

The director of this knew he had to tweak the format of 'Friday the 13th,' and I bet the entire time he and the cast kept questioning if the audience would be able to detect the similarities.

Camp counselor Ellie should take a 101 course in Ninja stealth and learn the art of silence. She screams loudly and gives up her position every time inviting the sasquatch to her location. I bet she's the dope who hides in the fridge, too.

And I bet Jason's distant cousin has the same cheap make-up effects as that lousy Neanderthal from that other crappy movie 'Scalps.'

Hall or Oats just bought it via a wrestling maneuver while the Outsider from 'Welcome Back, Kotter' unearths the table scene from the ending of 'Friday the 13th 2.'

Camp Counselor Ellie continues walking around being loud and drawing attention to herself some more. She screamed all in the lead up to hiding in that fridge and giving up her position again.

I wish this would end. I got a cold, and my head feels like a microwave set on high.

The director of this was the guy who used to copy exam papers in class and borrow your homework.

After all the terrible actors are disposed of, it comes down to Tori Spelling duking it out with the, um, Wookie thing.

Tori Spelling blasts camp counselor Ellie away one more time to make sure she stays dead a second time.

Mad Man Marz just looks like Santa Claus' disowned son.

This movie even manages to rip off 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' at the end as well and proves it has no ends to its shame.

I thought at the end Jon Voight would reveal that he was the father of Mad Man Marz.

The director of this will have you believe that he was in competition with 'The Burning,' but it's got 'Friday the 13th' written all over it.

I see right through you, movie. You ain't fooling anyone.

Once again, the VHS cover art is 10/10, but the movie itself doesn't live up to this rating.

(For the record, the cover IMDb is displaying for this movie currently isn't the original representation.)

I remember 'Bloody Birthday' being shown on commercial TV in the early 80s, and it was the talk of the town at school the next morning. Of course, the subject matter most talked about was the refrigerator scene. If I recall, some of the teachers must have indulged, too, as we had a debate about safety and avoiding pitfalls and junkyards. Looking back now, it was an overreaction, but to the contrary, some refrigerators are ultra heavy, so, children, don't mess around with them if you see one or plastic bags either.

Generic credits are introduced, letting you know that we're on a budget. The movie starts out with your basic Kino Lorber score from any 'Dynasty' episode. Or, was it Bill Conti?

A litter of Cabbage Patch Kids are born under an eclipse, meaning they're the children of the damned, or something.

Is that Chachi Arcola? Leaving the 70s behind, the movie quickly jumps to the early 80s, yet it still resembles the 70s according to the hairdos, wallpaper, and carpets. A romantic tryst sees Chachi and his 70s squeeze located at the bottom of a freshly dug grave. They're murdered to a 'Friday the 13th' score and literally in deep trouble.

The Kino Lorber music sooths again as the Laurie Strode of this movie, Joyce, fails a punctual test and is late for school, while elsewhere a bunch of third graders are grilled as suspects in the disappearance of the two cemetery moonlighters from the previous night.

In less than 10 minutes, this band of murderers cover is blown, as they're so blatantly obvious in their actions as the baddies.

This movie borrows hard off 'Halloween' with Beverly and Joyce strolling down the street as Sheriff Bracket pulls up and pretty much delivers the same lines from Carpenter's movie. That whole scene was inspired by 'Halloween.'

The trio of murderers are quick to dispense with Sheriff Bracket and clobber him good with a baseball weapon.

The infamous junkyard scene and the refrigerator now have me guessing if it is actually a fridge. It looks more like a filing cabinet or a gym locker. I hate watching this scene with the kid trapped inside the contraption and no one to hear his pleas.

You got some explaining to do, Hollywood, with this daytime school shooting scene. Am I really seeing this? That was a bit rich, wasn't it?

Major props to refrigerator victim Timmy for punching out Curtis the next day with a meaty right hook. Yeah, lay into that little punk with a good old one-two.

Around the 36-minute mark, Bag Head from 'Friday the 13th 2' returns, or is it that pesky Texarkana killer?

It's not explained why these three are so antisocial or what the correlation between being born on an eclipse meant.

They're pulling no punches in their quest for death and only seem to have murder on their minds at all times. I mean, what set them off?

It's strange watching a movie with a bunch of kids trying to murder another kids their same age. I thought that was strictly taboo in movies. Don't these kids ever play sports or video games? What's with the need for bloodlust? None of these victims did them any wrong.

A .45 doesn't hold that many rounds. It's not an automatic either.

And so Joyce is forced to babysit the trio of monsters at the end, which is convenient for the plot, and it turns out Curtis is a lousy shot when it comes to point blank targets. His cowardice shines through when he eventually runs out of unlimited bullets and is beat down again and concedes so easily. Yeah, thump him some more.

They're sent off to juvie in the end while the Strawberry Shortcake Cabbage Patch Kid escapes, and it's hinted that Part 2 will ensue, which sadly never eventuated.

An interesting piece of cinema that breaks many rules that would mortify most parents.

I find it hard to believe that this was actually approved for public consumption.

They wouldn't have dared release this type of material back in the 50s.

'Deranged' is a movie that always eluded me. Commercial TV used to show it in the wee hours around two in the morning on channel 10. I could never stay awake to see it. It was only until 1995 did I see it for the first time.

Come to think about it, it's strange how I never saw it in any of our local video stores. I always got duped by the 1987 release under the same title though. (Terrible movie, yet I kept hiring it thinking it would be the story about the Gein case.)

As you know, the movie stars Doc from Eastwood's 'Escape from Alcatraz' and 'Home Alone.' (I guess at the end of 'Deranged' he was found guilty and shipped off to Alcatraz.)

This is one of the more accurate accounts of the Gein story.

Tom Sims kicks off proceedings by narrating the terms of events. He wouldn't go astray as a Zodiac suspect either. The Butcher of Woodside? Sounds like a hippie commune.

Unbelievable, it only takes for Ezra Cobb's mom to be on her deathbed to give assent for her son to start dating. As you know, she hooks him up with the hot number Maureen Selby. And what a looker she turns out to be later on.

Oh yuck, pea and ham soup.

Oh yuck again, imagine departing this earth, and the last thing you experienced was Heinz pea and ham soup in your mouth.

I won't rule it out, but did Ezra contribute to his mother's passing by suffocating her with hot soup? Just saying.

It's actually well filmed how Mother Cobb has a stroke and bleeds from the nostrils like a horse.

At the funeral of Ezra's mar, you can clearly see the Zodiac's insignia dead center of the funeral parlor. That's twice I've mentioned him.

The movie would have benefited greatly had they shown Ezra's reaction when planting his mother at the cemetery. That scene should have been included in the movie. I wonder what they would have eaten at the wake?

So, Ezra mourns through a cold winter, and he has abnormally large feet and a fungus-infected bacterial big toe.

"Mama, I wrote to you."

"Don't get no letters here!"

Yeah, they all go straight to the dead letter office. Yuck yuck yuck. I can be funny some times.

Ezra convinces himself, under his dead mother's plea, to bring her home, and she looks like the bride of Dracula in her coffin.

Taking a leaf out of Mr. Miyagi's books, Ezra sing happy song when transporting her corpse back home before being pulled over by this funny local sheriff who delivers the best lines in the movie.

"Now let me smell your breath. Good God, what in the hell is that? What have you been drinking, Ez? Goddamn!"

A trippy incident occurs in this movie when Ezra leaves the farm for the big smoke to meet up with Miss Piggy, and why does this scene look British? Even the picture of Herbert looks like your common pommy chap. And what's with Ezra's salesman hat? He's dressed like he's a snake oil hustler.

I now know what movie inspired Swayze's 'Ghost' with that whole "use my body" technique.

"Carnival?"

Ezra Cobb, you peon brained twit. He reveals his mindset when delivering that carnival line. Guy still has the mentality of a child.

Actually, on second thought, when Maureen Selby's wig falls off, she looks like Meat Loaf in his Bat Out of Hell days.

Ezra then picks up Mary, and she could be any 60s page 3 girl. The real-life Mary never resembled this beauty and looked more like Ma Baker or even one of Ed Gein's shrunken heads, to be precise. This Mary, though, is a little heavy on the blue eye shadow.

What's all this face paint she's sporting? What's she trying to say - that she's a painted lady? Works for a fee, do we? And besides, Gein liked 'em old, not young.

As you know, Mary stumbles into the Sawyer family's living quarters, and it's not breaking news, as everyone knows this is all Tom Savini's work on display.

It's eerie watching Ezra chase Mary out the farmhouse dressed in that white knitwear and wig and capture her in the car. This scene is haunting.

For those of you who don't know, a belly drum was Gein's Tom-tom.

What was his tambourine made out of, I wonder?

In the final act, Sally shows up and catches the eye of Ezra immediately. Sally would be the Bernice Worden of this movie and looked nothing like her. Sally's beauty is accentuated when she dons her reading glasses and sits there all innocent and aloof with not a care in the world as Ezra lines her up in the crosshairs of a rifle.

This Worden's hardware store killing was all Gein's undoing. Was he that stupid to commit this crime in public and in broad daylight? Gein may not have been apprehended if he didn't go after that old biddy. She was a respectful, contributing member to society. Gein couldn't have picked a worst target.

She was no prize and not worth throwing your life away for. (Or being locked up in Alcatraz forever where you went stir-crazy and lopped your fingers off with a Hatchet.)

Silly Sally should have ditched the pink coat while being hunted. I wouldn't mind stringing Sally's naked corpse up in my bedroom. She has a body to kill for. There I go again, trying to be funny.

I love that swinging gate on Ezra's farm and the isolation that just screams dead about the property.

The movie ends on a grisly slow motion note with that disturbing laugh that reveals how pitiful this man truly was. It's really sad how every day of this man's life was centered around his devotion to his mother.

Ed Gein was one of us, people. He was part of humanity. We have to shoulder his burden and explain to future generations about his behavior.

How many other Ed Gein's are out there who got away with it, though?

Oh, and P. S. I want to dig Sally's body up. I could go as Sally this Halloween.

According to the listings on IMDb, Sally is Pat Orr. With a body like that, she couldn't land any other movie roles?

I was just about to watch 'Texas Chainsaw: Next Generation' when a loose DVD-R was inside its casing.

It turns out it was this 'Bog' movie, which starts out with Johnny Cash blowing fish up with sticks of dynamite. I assume it's Johnny Cash, as the picture quality of this piracy is less than 140p.

How this opening "Hold me in the summer breeze" song sets the scene for a horror movie - who knows?

The quality of this picture looks like someone bootlegged it from an analog TV.

Four nondescript actors leave the city to go camping with little more than beer on their minds. These four didn't make the cut to star in 'Gilligan's Island.'

Due to poor quality vision and horrendous editing, I have to assume that the cameraman himself attacked May just then.

The choppy editing continues as a dramatic 50s score lets us know danger is lurking.

A search party is sent out to find the missing ladies, and I take it this lake is contaminated and harbors some sort of Black Lagoon monster?

The overdramatizing of the score is your movie's impact in this film. The higher pitched delivery it reaches, the more grizzly the crime scene is apparently. This method only worked on people from the 50s.

Wallace Pride shows up around the 20-minute mark and sounds like Yoda.

No way this was a late 70s movie. It's like it was filmed in 1959.

A description of the monster is given, and what they describe sounds like a giant mosquito. They later do a composite sketch of the great beast but don't share the doodle with the audience.

At the 35-minute mark, I've rated this movie 1/10 already. The rest of the movie can't save it. This is the pits. Tonight's a bust. You'd be better off watching 'Humanoids From The Deep' instead. I'll award this movie another point if it hurries up and ends.

Is that Rod Zombie's wife?

I should have watched the Renee Zellweger Chainsaw movie instead.

I love how phony those old propaganda scores were back in the day.

My copy of this movie looks like it was pirated 99 times, and I got the 100th transfer.

The pause cuts at the end of each take are atrocious editing. There's no horror or suspense to this rubbish. It's like it was directed by a senior citizen who was born in the late 20s and obeying the Bible's guidelines.

I love this orchestra music hitting the panic notes. Any moment now, and Tarzan will swing in and tell King Kong to buzz off.

Were we this primitive as movie makers once?

The giant proboscis insect attacked two girls just then, and all that was revealed of it was what looked like a huge fly.

This movie is the sort of crap your grandfather used to watch around 1pm on TV on a Sunday afternoon.

This movie was made 40 years too late.

Oh boy, the monster's just a giant Barracuda costume.

'Octaman' was better than this.

So, they use Peter Keyes freezing method to capture the giant Barracuda. Was this movie the inspiration for 'Predator 2?'

Finally, the great fish buys it in similar fashion to Ben Tramer.

This movie's outatime and utter garbage.

Don't watch this in your Halloween movie marathons.

Norman Bates papers would have been marked never to be released after what he did in the original movie. But no, he survives the 50s and stepped out in color for part two, flipping burgers at a roadside diner.

Can you imagine Ed Gein being released and preparing your meals in a restaurant?

This movie was released two years after the Plainfield Butcher passed. I wonder if Gein ever saw the original, 'Deranged,' or 'Texas Chainsaw?'

The movie starts out with a Mortal Kombat fatality between all these cloistered sisters squabbling over who gets to ring the church bell. One perishes without a parachute while the other absconds the scene of the crime and hikes through 'Young Guns' terrain only to be picked up by The Lawnmower Man, and like Cyndi Lauper sang, they drove all night to the middle of nowhere.

Bates is introduced looking a little like Agent Maxwell Smart. He speaks out the right side of his mouth and has a permanent look of abject horror on his face most of the time. We were always told that if you pull faces and the wind blows, your face will stay the same.

Where does Robert Bloch pull over with the whole motel business associated with Gein? Gein never ran a business of any kind. He was a... quiet man, remember?

What's this frozen face of fear Bates is pulling all the time? He's scared of his own shadow and full of indecision and seems desperate at every turn. Why doesn't he be a man for a change and stop being such a girly boy? He kind of resembles Warren Jeffs around the eyes.

This third sequel has none of the original suspense or atmosphere. No score to speak of either.

Considering Anthony Perkins directed this, it's preposterous and biased how they're portraying Bates as a victim in this and painting him in a sympathetic light at every turn. As if the locals would have permitted him to return to the scene of the crime. Can you imagine Jeffrey Dahmer being released and allowed to return to his 213 apartment?

Bates stabs a victim at an AT&T station who's only trying to phone home, and it's this movie's attempt at recreating the shower scene from the original but doesn't hold the same iconic impact.

Wait a minute! Anthony Perkins looked nothing like Ed Gein!

Not much is happening in this movie to report.

I can't help but draw comparisons to this Maureen character and Anne Heche for some reason. I must say that Maureen in this is nothing special and not even worth mentioning.

It's painful how this sequel is the same setup as the original in that outside parties - all female- play detective and wind up at Bates mansion at the end.

An hour in and only 2 people have died in this movie.

It then sours further with this whole courtship between Bates and the killer nun. Bates wining and dining and on the dance floor with a lady? Yeah right.

This sequel is showing Anthony Perkins up for the terrible actor that he was. He's not exactly setting the screen on fire with Tom Hanks qualities and was probably in need of the paycheck only.

I mean, outside of the Psycho movies, what else was he in?

I remember in the late 80s they released that dreadful 'Edge of Sanity' tripe where he resembled Iggy Pop, and I could only take 10 minutes of it as it was such a 'Psycho' clone of embarrassing proportions.

I just scrolled through his IMDb listings, and there was hardly anything there I'd watch.

There should never have been any colored sequels after the superior original.

Ed Gein's life wasn't a soap opera of one drama after another. And I highly doubt Bates would draw attention to himself to have all these dilemmas come crashing down on him. (Gein was a silent killer. Being bland was what made him so undetectable.)

I think Norman Bates owes Ed Gein an apology for this silliness, and as for The Lawnmower Man and his outlandish plan to blackmail Bates by using Mother as a pawn for financial gain, that whole sequence was farfetched, as was the ill direction this unrequired sequel took, unfortunately.

The movie's a carnival circus that does the original no favors.

There's not much appeal to this movie cover with the two Amish-looking religious folk on the front. I remember when this came out on VHS, and I had no desire to see it. It wasn't until 2018 did I purchase the DVD, and this will be my second time seeing it.

On recollection from my first time seeing it, all I remember is the hot sister in that snazzy dress. I want it known from the outset that I bags Fanny. She's mine. Hands off.

The movie starts out with a Cybil Shepherd lookalike leaving a stint in the nuthouse. She needs to comb those knots out of her hair. She's greeted by her brother, and it seems he's gone a little overboard with the lip fillers and sports pouty lips.

Released into the care of Lips Incorporated, they then set sail on a water gizmo in similar fashion to 1982's 'The Slayer.'

The dude with the lips and static electricity hair is wearing Tommy Jarvis' denim jacket from Jason Lips, I mean Lives.

Mark Lindsay Chapman? What, Nick from 'The Langoliers?' I know him. "The ground's rushing up to meat us."

The plane throws in the towel, and we're forced to land on Dog Island from 'Humongous.'

The movie ups its thrusters when a wireless transistor pumps out some jamming tunes and puts the viewer in a mood to do the two-step.

Stranded on Dog Island, Tommy Jarvis, Nick from 'The Langoliers,' and their pretties scout for any civilization and stumble upon a cottage out in the woods. There they meet the Odd Couple, and we discover that the lead actress, like in 1982's 'The Slayer,' suffers from a form of PST.

It's also revealed that there's no electricity in the place, so I have to question how that grammar phone worked earlier when Nick from 'The Langoliers' busted some dance moves.

We're introduced to Fanny at the 28-minute mark, and momma mia, am I all hot under the collar and losing my composure by the minute? Guess who I'm going to the prom with. Fanny's my Sports Illustrated pinup model.

Not that I'm jealous or anything, but Fanny just eyeballed Tommy Jarvis and has the hots for him apparently.

Oh no, not Owen from 'Tango & Cash.' Was he always this one-dimensional in every movie?

Nick from 'The Langoliers' is the first to buy it. Old Jason Voorhees never had the smarts to bop off anyone in the fashion that Fanny and Owen just wasted Nick from 'The Langoliers.' It's innovative.

I bet this oddball family will seize the opportunity and dress Nick's corpse first chance, which will cover a week's supply of nourishment.

Fanny overhears some horrible home truths via eavesdropping and is then consoled by the headcase from 1982's 'The Slayer.' What a combo those two make.

They're the ying and yang of Splitsville.

It's revealed that Fanny lusts for Tommy Jarvis and is aroused to the point of erotic cravings, hinting that the third brother is her substitute lover. The third brother just pops up out of nowhere and reminds me of Joey's brother. Remember Joey from one of the 'Friday the 13th' sequels? Kid with the candy bars? Ax victim?

Strangely, I've found myself enjoying every minute of this so far.

Everyone's bopped off in quick succession, leaving only two girls left and being hunted by dimwitted inpatients on the outside.

The headcase from 1982's 'The Slayer' fits right in with this lot and ends up joining forces with them.

You know what this island needed? Chuck Norris! Or some sort of mercenary to parachute in and lay out all these psychopaths with one punch or kick.

The dead baby prop in this looks like one of those wooden tiki designs you buy in Tahiti or Costa Rica.

Children shouldn't play with dead things? Turns out these weirdos were killing trespassers and mommifying the remains so Fanny could play with them like dolls or Barbie.

I'd like to say that they all lived happily ever after, but the deranged headcase from 1982's 'The Slayer' is all out of marbles and turns the tables on the clan of looneys disposing of them in an assorted ways.

I still think Nick from 'The Langoliers' kill was the best, followed closely by that boat disposal method.

The deranged slayer does everyone a favor and silences Pa at the end, mid sermon, with a shotgun.

This movie won't be to everyone's taste, but I think it's well balanced with mature-aged actors and just the right blend of young smart asses who get what's coming to them.

One point deduction for the electricity debacle, as I believe I saw a jug with a cable in the kitchen as well.

Otherwise, good stuff.

As a fan of only 1986's 'Aliens' in this franchise, I'll sit neutral on this Romulus one and give an unbiased account of proceedings.

I mean, they made too many of these alien movies, and the more they made, the sillier they became. Take 'Alien Resurrection' for example. Was it necessary for those two caged aliens to turn on the third one and kill it in order for acid to be spilled, enabling their release? Later in the movie, one adventurous alien spits acid, so why didn't they just do that back when caged?

The start credits of Romulus manage to rip off another sequel when the 20th Century Studios logo breaks down. I believe it was one of those Alien Vs. Predator movies, but they've made so many of them I forget which one exactly.

The movie starts out with a burnt oven floating around Deep Space Nine rebooting its system and snaring a piece of Silver Shamrock Stonehenge. No doubt it contains mosquito DNA that's infused with alien genetics.

We're introduced to Rey Palpatine, who's still scrapping for metal in exchange for portions on the 'Total Recall' red planet. Being denied a permit to leave the planet, Rey jumps on the next available flight and leaves anyway. She's partnered by our modern, diverse crew of inclusive all sorts. In 'Aliens,' you were invested in every single character. In this, however, I don't care for one of them.

I'm also having a hard time understanding the thick British accents, too. I'm guessing they're London and not Essex tongue; who knows? Whatever it is, English people should come with subtitles.

A mission to some wheel gear station turns out a bust. The station acts as a toaster incubator for baby alien fetuses.

At the 45-minute mark, it's revealed that they're up against something "alien," so why wouldn't they just do the sensible thing and hop back on the ship they came on and depart?

This story has been told before. Baby aliens break loose. Baby aliens implant. Chaos ensues. Clock starts counting down until impact.

Why are the aliens not attacking this Andy chap? They had no problem tearing Bishop apart.

It appears that all the Alien movies are just stereotyping strong female leads to pave the way against the odds and forge a climatic battle against the big boss at the end. (Where have I seen that before?)

It's a tired format and overused.

This 2024 offering has nothing on the superior 'Aliens.' This one's just a Nickelodeon version for kids.

Oh yeah, right, why would that alien save Rey Palpatine in the elevator shaft? It's as pathetic as that time when Kevin Nash cradled Goldberg after he was beat to a pulp even though they were sworn enemies.

Wow, this big boss alien fetus was just birthed a second ago, and in a matter of minutes, if that, it grew into a twenty-foot Galapagos giant. What sustagen nourished it to grow so fast- air? The design looks stupid anyway. It's only 5 minutes old, and already it's trained to hunt and kill humans.

What do aliens do in these movies when not hunting humans?

The end big boss alien looks stupid. It looks like Freddy Kreuger.

Just quit it with this tired formula already; you're tarnishing the legacy of the first two movies with all these inferior bloodsuckers.

The movie industry's use-by date expired a long time ago.

What a pointless, rushed movie that wasn't required.

But then again, you only have to look at the director who gets to pick and choose to his liking what movie from yesterday he can just coat a fresh lick of paint over.

By the way, I'm guessing this movie has setup countless sequels with its ending, and no doubt the next movie will have a bunch of space pirates come along and steal the vial of mosquito/alien DNA, and Hollywood will continue to flood the market with this trash.

Stop it already.

The back of this DVD cover calls the chick from 'Friday the 13th 7' Elizabeth Clayton. She'd be the daughter of Doc Emmett Brown and Mary Steenburgen then.

This is a Full Moon production, so you know right off the bat that this will be poor quality down there with Fred Olen Ray levels.

The start credits spell the chick from 'Friday the 13th 7' Cayton without an L.

I don't know what this Zelda Forest score is. Any minute now and what's-his-names merry men will spring out of the bushes and rob you.

Movie starts out with Jane running through the jungle from an intergalactic prawn warrior only to be saved by, well, it's not Tarzan.

Clayton, Cayton, or Kaitan is imprisoned with one of the band members from Bananarama where they turn into the man of steel, as they can leap tall buildings or bend metal with bare hands. The bikini-clad Bananarama members escape in a motionless Battlestar Galactica doovalacky and crash-land on some 'Robot Jox' planet inhabited by Twiggy and other Buck Rogers robowarriors.

Due to budget restraints, the director couldn't afford the services of Lorenzo Lamas to play the role of Zed and had to rely on whoever this bit-part actor is.

The sputtering Twiggy robot is just a human underneath a poorly designed costume. That's the sort of stuff we assembled in grade school.

Funny how they've landed on another planet and they're just humans in charge of this world. And they speak English.

It looks like this is just going to be a futuristic version of 'Most Dangerous Game.'

The movie's just smut.

It's another perverted director molded from the same grimy diecast as Fred Olen Ray exploiting desperate actresses to prostitute their half-naked bodies just to get their foot into Hollywood. All I can picture while watching this sleaze is envisioning Harvey Weinstein delighting in this movie at some point in his life.

Directors like Fred Olen Ray and whoever's responsible for this movie paved their careers with early trials like this garbage, so it has to be asked if all these stepping stones built into something big, like did they finally achieve their avant-garde curtain call with something special eventually?

There's not much to report other than three Amazonian women being chased through a rain forest by the Lorenzo Lamas clone, who brandishes a crossbow that shoots laser beams. There's no suspense or worthwhile score to speak of. They've filmed this on a shoestring budget.

If you've got the IQ of a frozen pea and dig 80s movies with chicks pressing a lot of flesh and not much else, then this depravity will be right up your alley.

It's not science fiction; it's not horror either; it's exploitation for sleazy film makers in Hollywood who had no respect for women.

I once loved you Elizabeth Kaitan and Brinke Stevens, but how could you have kept working for these sorts in Hollywood in your prime?

Lord only knows what they had to do behind the scenes to land these horrible roles.

The movie's for uneducated perverted meatheads with low IQs only.

The movie starts out with a funeral service honoring a random Ed Gein victim, and who is that with the bird cage over her face - Lady Di or Paris Hilton?

She's much too pretty for 1972.

She gets intimate with a dead corpse, then what sounds like a Bond theme kicks in about loving people deadly. It's inspired by Goldfinger.

Due to budget restraints, they couldn't afford the services of Petula Clark and had to rely on Kit Fuller, whoever she is.

Your typical 70s party kicks proceedings off where most dudes are dressed like they're on safari and sporting ABBA hair.

Not making any sense, the movie keeps turning sepia in color as a little girl in a flashback keeps encountering her father.

What we have here is a clearcut reverse case of the Ed Gein story, as the blond lead in this, Lindsay, seeks out the funeral column in the paper instead of the lonely hearts section for companionship.

The second corpse she interviews as a potential suitor is not to her liking, as she has peculiar tastes when it comes to corpses. She then scouts the perimeter of a live burial and is impressed with a fresh planting. (There's no grave digging in this movie.)

A subplot prior to this scene could have spared me the gruesome torture of a rentboy having all his blood drained on an autopsy table while still alive.

So far Lindsay hasn't indicted herself as the baddy with anything illegal; she just displays kinky or quirky behavior.

No sooner does the autopsy Dracula and Lindsay hook up, and this dude could pass for a Beatle or Monkey with hair like that. No, he looks like that Jimmy Nail one-hit wonder fella. (He's lying.)

This may have been released in '72, but it's got late 60s written all over it.

This Lindsay chick is drop-dead gorgeous when she's in her funeral attire and beehive net, but without it, she's a bit plain Jane.

It's only implied through subtle gestures that she's sleeping with the dead. It's this other Jimmy Nail mortician who's the real villain.

To throw a spanner into the spoke, another love interest, Wade, is added to the mix, vying for what's-her-names affection.

He's a control freak and sports a Spock toupee.

The score in this is discount contestant game show stuff.

The movie loses its way around the 45-minute mark with the swinging couple swapping partners and courting each other to a Bond theme again with bonus campfire passion. I thought she was in love with that Wade hustler? Who's this other Neil Sedaka smooth talker? He comes across as a daffy Darrin Stephens wannabe.

And where'd her love for the dead go all of a sudden?

A private arrangement for Lindsay is reserved where the corpse of a tanned Beach Boy is manipulated into a nonconsensual love tryst.

Pause it right there at the 56:31 minute mark! Who does Lindsay remind you of? Marilyn Manson Mechanical Animals.

Fred West wastes Wade as he trespasses midway while an embalming is in progress.

Is that Jared Leto?

The smooth talking Neil Sedaka and the Mechanical Animal marry in world record time, and she refuses to consummate their relationship on the first night as she'd prefer the company of the dead. This comes into play toward the end of the movie as she starts seeing her own private cicisbeo's. (You'll have to Google that for clarification.) Not only did they break an Olympic record when tying the knot, but there's already hiccups in their marriage on the first night.

By night two, they're sleeping in separate rooms.

If I'm reading the movie right, I believe Lindsay was Daddy's little girl and only had eyes for Poppy, so again, it's a reverse Ed Gein theory at play here.

I've seen two other movies where they had females playing the role of Normal Bates. One was 'Funeral Home.' The other I can't recall. Some 70s garbage.

This Lindsay actress reminds me of Tracy Nelson meets Elly May Clampett at times.

Her cover is eventually blown by Neil Sedaka, where he discovers her passion for dancing on the grave of her father while dressed like Shirley Temple.

Not only is their marriage dysfunctional, now the husband suspects Lindsay of infidelity with the mortician, or worse. Cicisbeo's, you see?

It's revealed at the end that as a child, Lindsay blasted her father away with a power tool and only had love for the dead. Her father looks like a Terminator with all those shrapnel wounds on his face.

The ending is a bit of a letdown, as she just clobbers Jimmy Nail over the back with a statue and goes to bed with a dead Neil Sedaka.

Or, was it Robert Wagner?

The other night I watched John Hayden in 'Nightwish' and was so impressed with his acting skills that it left me yearning for more.

So I found out he stars in this 'Reel Horror' movie.

Just like 'Nightwish,' this movie starts out with some crickets chirping as well. The picture quality of this movie is worse than the first ever colored TV.

We then see an air mattress compressor peddle breathing life into the movie. So, it runs on an inflated ego, does it?

Some 'Evil Dead' sound effects and prop smoke introduce John Hayden and this movie's version of the Evil Queen from 'Snow White.' Or, is it Kano's mother sporting that eyepiece throughout the movie?

Looking dapper in a gray two-piece suit, the Fruit Stand Kid from 'Nightwish' plays some sort of escort for the Evil Queen, and he wouldn't have gone astray in that "Werewolves of London" music video.

That little rughead is awesome.

If I ever return to Hollywood, I'll be sure to check what street his star lies in around town and get back to you on its location.

Either Curly, Moe, or Larry is being interrogated by the two, and I believe that little dude plays Irving in this? Irving? Isn't that a town down south? No, that interrogated dude reminds me of Grandpa from 'The Munster's.'

Wow, Massacre Video made better movies than this trash.

Was that Chevy Chase in the cinema then?

Dr. Loomis shows up in this trash looking like Bill Goldberg.

Was that Harry from 'Dumb and Dumber?'

Why are we watching a panther being snared from another movie? What happened to the main feature 'Reel Horror?' How does Donald Pleasence fit into this? It's not even the same movie.

Where'd the other movie go?

Was that Mel Gibson?

Finally, the little dude speaks, and his line delivery is so innocent, and here I was thinking he was a mute.

Is that Cheryl from 'Evil Dead?'

Why are they interlacing this other movie into 'Reel Horror?'

Cheryl's attacked by the leopard and not tree limbs this time, but what's this got to do with the main feature?

I don't know what the little dude just said then. I think he said, "I'm here to buy your breath, grrrr?"

I believe I have this panther movie on a 12-pack somewhere in my collection, but why's it been included in this 'Reel Horror' movie for?

I came to watch Oscar nominee John Hayden, not Donald Pleasence!

Is that Audra from 'IT?'

I know who that little dude looks like - Prince. A mini version of the artist, formally known as Symbol.

"It's time to snack your Snicker with a strud." There's no such word as strud. Is this intermission after only 20 minutes?

'Reel Horror' isn't a "real" movie; it's paying homage to other 1970s movies. Or, poking fun at them?

Why are we being forced to watch these other exploitation flicks? The movie was supposed to belong to the little dude.

When 'Reel Horror' decides to be its own movie, it's just a bunch of stage actors plying their audition skills in a woeful exhibition of Z-grade performances.

This movie's too busy showing other movies, like it's a compilation promotional ad for other failed projects. Once they're done with them, they receive some coupon tokens, and the little dude, Irving from Texas, captures a piece of film and collects them like butterflies for some reason.

I think it's safe to say there was no budget for this nonsense.

50 minutes in, and I want out.

This is a waste of time and John Hayden's acting skills. That little dude deserved better than this. I guess his best performance was in Brian Thompson's 'Nightwish.' Although I haven't seen 'Blue Sky' yet.

The movie takes its toll on John Hayden, and it becomes about a film cannister being disposed of like it's a hold-your-breath 'Total Recall' meets 'Poltergeist' moment where all will be solved if the little dude can throw the jar of film in the 'Poltergeist' room.

To watch these grown adults singing their rendition of Row Row Row Your Boat requires an apology for mankind.

Why does it not surprise me John Carradine showing up briefly in this trash? Everything he was in was garbage.

Did that Fred Olen Ray have anything to do with this trash? Behind the scenes, or something?

"At last the horror is over." What horror?

'Nightwish?' They didn't put too much thought into that title now, did they?

The movie stars the Night Slasher and Elizabeth Kaitan. 'Friday the 13th 7,' right? I sometimes misplace her for Kathleen Kinmont.

Strange how the movie starts with crickets chirping.

Kaitan, looking pretty as the lady in red, is a Guinea Pig for a labotory who observes students astral projections.

My copy has all this Japanese text down the bottom of the screen. So, I must have bought this in the early 2000s, when DVD-r piracy was in full swing online.

The Night Slasher's thirst for blood continues as he claims a rabbit to add to his tally.

Now, what in the hell is the little gimp with the rughead at the 11:24 minute mark? I wonder if that kid went on to a bigger career in Hollywood.

Add a rattlesnake to what's-his-names account now.

Well, so far, so good. Great scenery in 140p quality.

I can't say Brian Thompson is multifaceted when it comes to facial expressions. It's just that one 'Mortal Kombat' snarl all the time. You could interpret his single expression face to that of arrogance or a Stormtrooper helmet. Does anyone remember his solution to answering the phone in 'Hired to Kill?' Classic.

We meet Wendall, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out he's the father of that rug-headed kid back at the peach stall. A peach stall that didn't have any peaches, mind you.

Due to budget restraints, the director couldn't afford the services of Christopher Lee or John Saxon to play the role of the Doctor, so he had to substitute with whoever this sunken-eyed actor is.

That dude in the red jacket looks like Eraserhead.

So, after 30 minutes, I've got no idea what direction the movie is taking us in.

A group of kids undergo a paranormal seance using binaural beats that evoke a Commodore 64 worm snake decoy.

Is anyone else watching this in 2024?

The Night Slasher's disappeared from the set, meaning he's preoccupied with other movie projects.

Any minute now, and that guitar twang is going to break out into that "I Don't Want a Lover" song by Texas.

Psst, hey you, yeah you, would you be as kind to inform me why they're actually on this farm property for?

The students are all shackled and held captive when out pops some trapdoor, Igor, a sadist who delights in torture. He looks like the son of Mr. Strickland. He proves what an oaf of a human he is by tripping over a hide-and-seek victim who's sticking out like a sore thumb on that staircase.

I've still got no idea what this movie's purpose is.

What looks like Jenna Ortega manages to escape only to run into a character who was murdered earlier.

I wonder if certain movies are made just to cater to, or dumb down, the already stupid. And are certain movies produced from the minds of drug addicts or the uneducated?

I'm not following where this story's going.

Talk about Brian Thompson being severely miscast for this role. Even he doesn't know what he's doing in this movie. Why was he never cast in an 'Expendables' movie?

This movie's curdling worse than chunky milk by the minute. It started off okay but quickly goes downhill with poor vision and direction. Even the director didn't know what he was doing.

Now aliens are included?

Perhaps if I watched this while wasted, I may follow what's going on.

Um, the Night Slasher turns into some kind of jello slushy strapped to a chair, but apparently none of it happened as they all show up at the end in a confused display of riddles.

Everyone, bar that rug-headed kid, show up, that is. I bet that kid went on to be a model for a pinup magazine. A centerfold for Playgirl, or something.

He's one John Hayden who played the role of Fruit Stand Boy in 'Nightwish.' Was in 'Blue Sky' as Additional Crew. What's that? Someone who stands in the background and goes unnoticed? And stars in some 1/10 rubbish called 'Reel Horror.'

I wonder if he managed to upstage Tommy Lee Jones or Jessica Lange in 'Blue Sky.' That little dude deserved bigger exposure in Hollywood, as he almost stole the show in 'Nightwish.' They should have had him take on the Night Slasher at the end in a battle to the death.

That little dude rocks.

The cast of nobodies is quickly introduced, and it doesn't take long for you to decipher that there's not one likeable character among 'em.

With no atmosphere or head coach, the training session has about as much enthusiasm as me watching this diabolical mess.

A silly mascot named Herman seems to be inspired by other 'Scream-like' villains but at a discount price.

No doubt at the end of the movie there'll be a reveal and reason why everyone had to perish.

Some of the Warriors cheerleaders are a little on the paunchy or dumpy side and around the edges, as well. They're below bush league standard.

I don't care for anyone in this movie, so who do I barrack for exactly?

The killer's goofy.

And the cast is worst.

Only 20 minutes into this movie, and already what soul it had has left its body.

This movie is only about 15 years after 'Scream' and 'I Know What You Did Last Summer.' It's plainly obvious you're a copycat of those movies.

Some of the cast in this look like Later Day Saint graduates straight out of a good will store.

The redhead in this looks like Dylan Klebold in a wig.

All you can do is mock the movie for how transparent it is, as it's a vampire-mosquito leeching off all the others that came before it with no shame.

Wow, lets see a show of hands. Who enjoys watching popular jocks and cheerleaders bickering and moaning over their privileged little world of complications?

And I thought that 2/10 'Chud 2' movie I watched the other night was atrocious.

Deducting my care factor for this movie, the kills aren't even scary, the lighting on set is poor, on about 4 or 5 occasions the picture went out of focus, and the Bunyan Mohican killer is comical. Not to mention the set-up for the premise is paper-thin.

My brain has been temporarily suspended due to watching this. It's left me dumber than I was before. Alcohol kills brain cells, and so does this rubbish.

I'm so stupid I detect 'Friday the 13th' music around the one hour, seven minute mark.

"Go to hell." Is that the best the writers could come up with?

The cast of nobodies are all being picked off, but since I'm not vested in their welfare, I say go right ahead. Take the director and crew out while you're at it.

What charity store entertainment.

Due to budget restraints, the director couldn't afford Kane Hodder as the killer, so he had to settle on whoever this budget actor killer was.

His justification for killing was nonsensical, too.

Utter rubbish.

One minute and 43 seconds are wasted introducing all the production companies to kickoff proceedings.

IFC Films, Shudder, Image Nation, VIC Screen, Good Fiend Films, Cinetic, AGC Studios, Future Pictures 2068, and Spooky Pictures.

Does this mean that one production company pulls out financially and another takes over?

The movie starts out by informing us that 70s TV brings evil into our homes via commercial broadcasting.

We're introduced to the star of the movie, Reverend Jim Jones. He's an also ran to Johnny Carson.

Halloween night '77, huh?

I think Reverend Jim Jones second ball out of the park would have been a foul ball as he sliced it off the side of the bat at an angle.

First up on the live broadcast is a charlatan medium wearing a C3-P0-inspired padded robot suit with a fake subcontinent accent. He looks like that 80s rapper Cameo. I thought Cameo only had the one "Word 'Em Up" song until I saw him at the altar dressed in a wedding gown only recently in another song.

The Cameo robot suffers discomfort at the onset, and Pepto Bismol is advised.

A quick subplot informs us about an Abraxas worship leader, and he's supposed to be Anton LaVey, right? The Abraxas fruit loop sacrifices himself and his followers to the demon fire of flame, and only ten-year-old Lilly survives the inferno.

She'd be the Linda Blair or Emily Rose of this movie. She looks like one of Manson's girls.

Lilly turns out Reverend Jim Jones on live TV, and you can see how he doesn't like to be upstaged on his own show, as the egomaniac anchorman can't be dominated and always feels the need to go one-up on everybody with a light quip or zinger.

I remember back in the late 80s or early 90s, '60 Minutes' tried to pull this stunt in my country.

I love Mr. Haig's peach shirt and the huge puppy dog ear collars that look like tongues. It'd be even more bizarre if he sported a sharp collar with them. Is it a Barrymore?

Lilly's placed into an induced exorcism as she nods off in world record time. I wish I could go to sleep this fast instead of tossing and turning. We get to see Lilly strapped to a chair and fly around like C3-P0 in 'Return of the Jedi.'

It's all disputed as trickery by the charlatan sporting the Barrymore collar. Eat your heart out, Travolta. I didn't care for his demonstration with the whirly fob watch to counter Lilly's performance as bogus. This part with the worms didn't work for me.

Unfortunately, we don't get to see Miss Cleo James mime a stage hit. It was probably only going to be a cover of Stephanie Mills "Never Knew Love Like This Before" song.

Now, holy hell, what was Lilly's final performance with her head split open all about? It's sort of a conclusion to what might have happened had Colonel Cochran's evil plan gone ahead with the Silver Shamrock shenanigans. That scene's awesome. I'm actually sitting here in suspense, forgetting to breathe at times.

Station Difficulties or ghosts in the machine?

The end turns all LSD, where Reverend Jim Jones loses his control and grip on reality.

I've heard those in the entertainment industry have to sign a contract with the devil and pay the price in the long run. So, is Hollywood itself the devil? Or the drugs they induce as fringe benefits?

The ending is a bizarre look into an artist's mind, but where'd Lilly go?

Is that Ellen Ripley?

Reverend Jim Jones murders Lilly on live national TV, and it's reminiscent of The Joker taking De Niro down.

The ending is a bit like an unusual concoction mixed in a Ninja Blender with a taste that requires deliberation, as I don't know what to make of it.

Either the movie's end doesn't know what direction to take or I'm not following what it means since Lilly had the upper hand only to fall to Reverend Jim Jones blade.

It's kind of a muddled mess, really.

I'd like to announce that I'll be reviewing 'Apt Pupil' and that my say on it will be unsurpassed by common folk.

In my opinion, a lot of King's book adaptations to film were rather poor, especially 'The Dark Half.' Horrible movie.

'Apt Pupil' starts out with a surly-looking kid riding a bus who could pass for Molly Ringwald if they were to remake 'Sixteen Candles.' Or Andrew McCarthy when he was pretty in pink. The paranoid kid blackmails a German immigrant who's hard to understand as he sounds more Russian than Nazi.

I think the start of the movie is its downfall, as it's rushed in introducing the two main leads. It's like a quarter of the start is missing, just like how abruptly it ends out of the blue as well.

If you pause the movie at exactly the 16-minute, 43-second mark, my teeth used to look like that once only worse. I'm proud to say that I got them fixed up and no longer have teeth like, um, was it Joan Chen or Le Ly in 'Heaven & Earth?' I forget.

I'm surprised Hollywood approved this movie, as it's giving an in-depth account of the horrors from the past.

I must digress for a second and ask how C. Thomas Howell's 'Soul Man' would stack up with today's cancel culture and easily outraged woke crowd of left-wing fruit bats.

I still don't understand if Hitler is such a reviled character why he's the poster boy for the History Channel and glorified in countless other documentaries.

If they can demolish Dahmer's 213 apartment and bury the past, why do they still let Birkenau's candle burn?

Though the movie's set in 1984, why does it resemble the 50s?

This ain't no Miyagi/Daniel-San or Pizza Face McLeod/Norstadt friendship; there's something far more sinister, and if I didn't know any better, I'd say this sweet sixteen candle kid is going to commit some atrocity by the movies end as he's secretly getting off on all the sick perversions right down to the nazi dressing up in cosplay for him. This marching scene was supposed to be powerful, right? (Were they gunning for Oscar nominations with this movie?)

As if some young green punk like this would push around a seasoned murderer.

I don't know about you, but I would have turned this movie straight off if he had placed that cat in the oven. (The cat's missing poster goes up on a pole later in the movie, so is it implied that he succeeded in his endeavors for animal cruelty, just like the implication the sweet boy kills the bird with the basketball?)

Too bad Peter Cushing wasn't alive to play the role as the sinister Nazi.

I'm guessing the book is more detailed about the introduction between these two, as the start of the movie seemed rushed and coming out of left field.

The boy's whole time is occupied in the company of this old deviant. It's a bit cloistered with not much else going on around them. What I'm trying to say is they didn't explain the motivations behind why the sweet boy targeted this old man.

Big deal he plays some sport; it still looks like it's from Stalin's era. Very bleak settings and no re-watch value. You couldn't indulge in this too many times, as it's unhealthy viewing.

And so their student/teacher relationship is about death and rekindling a past passion for murder, and it boils down to the inquisitive mind wanting the experience of taking another's life, not reading or hearing about it.

I've always said that if you place a gun in someone's hands, it won't be enough. They'll want to experience the next level.

I won't get into the details about the ending, but that inpatient who loses his composure looks like one of the baddies from an Indiana Jones movie, while the guy from 'Friends' looks like Borat.

And the McCarthy candle dude looks like that kid who can see dead people in that Bruce Willis movie at times.

So, the Nazi's cover is blown, and he starts looking like Saddam Hussein.

Is it even humanly possible to blow an air bubble into an intravenous? I highly doubt it.

Like the bird with the broken wing earlier, the boy should have pummeled Borat's head and eliminated him from the frame altogether. (I thought this was where it was taking that scene.) And just like that, the movie ends in thin air.

I believe there was more to the story than how it just ended. There's really no resolution, and I think the boy would have been weeded out eventually.

Ha, Heather McComb was in that, apparently. She was in 'Kickboxer 2.' Who was she in 'Apt Pupil?' I didn't detect her.

Is that 'H20' Halloween music I detect at the start credits?

Tommy Wiseau's padawan, Neil Breen, is back firing on four empty cylinders in his latest action-packed CGI-laced disaster piece. He plays some sort of action hero in a suit who has super powers and green screens every scene in the movie.

Not as renowned as Wiseau, the prodigy is on course to be the next villain in 'The Expendables' franchise. Either that or 'Commando 2.' In the first five minutes, he manages to survive being hit by a tram, abducts Asian tourists, and wards off ten factory ninjas, proving that he's the true last action hero of our generation and a force to be reckoned with.

You might find yourself reaching for the instruction manual after only seven minutes, as this crap is directionless.

Is the joke on Breen or us, the viewers?

He addresses a seminar in a royal palace to an audience in an auditorium that's not even connected to the same building. It's like they're attending a conference for computer software or EV vehicles.

Is that Matthew McConaughey?

I've often questioned if Breen's work is the design of Scientology, as it's so structured. He seems to be of another world.

I know he didn't just take on that white tiger. I know that didn't just happen. If that scene really did just occur, then I wonder if anything else can top it in this movie.

The CGI Bengal monster turns into a cross-eyed witch that serves no purpose and only adds to the confusion.

Only 20 minutes in, and already I've rated this movie a whopping 1/10.

This is worse than Breen's last movie, 'Twisted Pair.' You've lost your way, Breen. The shine has worn off. You were funny in your other four smash-hit movies, but not in these last two.

This movie hasn't even laid a foundation to build off of.

Who are the players? What are their names?

Who's the big boss?

Who are his cronies?

Like Phil Anselmo sang, "Who is the enemy?"

What are we avenging?

Where's your purpose?

What's the cause?

The movie must be some secret code for aliens.

Is Neil Breen an alien?

Like the robotic Jesus character he played in 'I Am Here... Now' he plays some sort of healing God again, but only briefly, as he obviously didn't know what direction to take this movie in.

Need I remind you that in 'I Am Here... Now' he claimed that he created other planets.

This 'Cade' movie is not even one of those "it's-so-bad-that-it's-good" movies, as I haven't laughed once so far.

I want out, but there's still an hour of this crap to go.

Your goose is gandered, Breen. This is not entertaining. The editing in this is horrible. What's with the long pauses at the end of the takes?

In its defense, the only reason I'll award this movie 1/10 is because it's better than Disney's recent 'Acolyte' TV show.

These actors aren't even amateur-grade.

What did fighting ninjas at the start have to do with all these zombie patients in the mental ward?

What's the basic premise of this movie? What's its elementary reason for being?

Why were the abducted Asian tourists trapped in the van as prisoners when the windows were rolled down?

I've said this before many times with other movies, but how could the film and literature boards approve this garbage for public release?

Who exactly deemed this fit for the general population?

Did Breen have a near-death experience? Did he witness the afterlife? Is this what's on the other side? Who can relate to this puzzle exactly? I can't comprehend the ridiculousness this movie's emanating. It's baseless, with no starting point. It's an adventure with no objective.

A dancing segment sees cringe in full swing. The only problem is that Breen didn't have the guts to get up and join them in making fools of themselves. How this dancing enhances the movie is not explained. What purpose did the half-assed dancing serve?

This whole cast is just winging it. It's a wonder they weren't adlibbing their lines as well. Or, are they?

Even if you had half a brain, I don't think this movie could translate to a rational way of thinking. It has to be some sort of subliminal message for another breed of species.

Movie's just going around in circles and not making any sense. It's beyond annoying and not even entertaining.

You must have a lot of time on your hands, Breen, to be wasting ours with this.

Thanks for nothing, sir.

I've lost respect for you.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't finish this movie.

So Pearl is back in the third installment of this series. I'm still confused about her identity and age as there's no consistency as 'X' was based in the 70s, then the second movie jumped back to the early 1900s, and now this one is centered around the 80s. Unless it's an anthology, then I'm lost.

The movie starts out in 1959 as an aspiring child dreams of making it bigger than Jim Jones as the number one grifter via biblical proportions of becoming a preacher. Instead, she grows up to be a porn star but now wants to cut it in the horror movie industry and have her name etched in a star on a Hollywood walkway.

Why does this movie give off vibes like 'Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood?'

Another modern-day movie trying to recreate the past.

Gee, don't play too much of Animotion's song. "Stranger beware."

The movie's very dark at times, and I believe this is a new ploy by today's film makers to muffle the background so no slip-ups of 2024 can be seen.

Does it look like the 80s? So far, so good, I guess. Only back in the 80s, Hollywood Blvd was lit up like a Christmas tree and not so dark.

Maxine is shrouded in mystery, with the possibility of even her being the killer. (Tell me that didn't cross your mind at times?) Well, come to think about it, she is a killer! From the first movie, when she drove over the old lady, if I recall. Either way, she just castrated a mime artist like a gelded horse.

Kevin Bacon shows up as a taxi driver looking like Johnny Depp in 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.' He's chauffeuring a murderer around like Jack the Ripper.

Does this movie think we're impressed by showing all these backlot movie sets at Universal?

It's like Hollywood is paying homage to its own history. Cheap and tacky, in my opinion. Once again, they have to draw on the strength of the past to boost their own lousy movie, which is only plodding at this stage.

What's with all the British actresses in this movie? Oh, produced by Mia Goth. Jobs for friends, huh? I see.

I gotta give a few points for how Kevin Bacon's character is written out. He started to resemble something crossed between a Christian minister and Bryan Ferry. (Honestly, I thought he'd turn out to be the movie killer. It's actually a decent performance by him.)

The movie's about Maxine. Yeah, Mia Goth seems to want to be the center of attention in all her productions. It's getting a little tiresome already. She's now going to be stereotyped in these roles. Oh, she will probably gun for a part in one of those 16th-century bore fests about a queen to enhance her chances at an Oscar next.

Supposedly, Maxine lands the lead role of a horror movie called 'The Puritan 2' but hardly any screen time is spent showing this angle. Instead, it focuses on a deceptive tale of Ricardo Ramirez's real-life ventures, while there's another killer inside this movie who barely shows himself.

'Maxxxine' is no Eastwood 'Tightrope' and 'Boogie Nights' is a better Cali-based setting than this.

It all boils down to the mystery of who the killer in the black leather outfit is. ('Blackout' from 1985 is a far superior movie than this, too.) All you want to know while watching this movie is, who is he? It's like reading about the Zodiac, and you can apply the same principles as 'Arlington Road.' We need a name.

Once you find out who the killer in this movie is, I doubt you'll watch it again. No re-watch value. It's microwavable and easily discarded.

Speak of the devil, and the killer just revealed himself as I write. He resembles either Patrick Stewart or Vinnie Jones. The revelation of the killer in this movie is like opening a present on Christmas morning only to discover it's either socks or underwear. You have to feign pretend happiness that it's delightful and a surprise all in one, but deep down you're like meh. But I sat there dumbfounded, saying, Oh, the answer was in the beginning of the movie's intro.

Maxine's own father is a Marshall Applewhite grifter who looks like Terry O'Quinn from 'The Stepfather.' Another movie that's far superior and authentic to this shemozzle.

Not only is the Christmas present lousy, but this whole exorcism finale with the shootout is souring like chunky milk and quickly losing altitude.

'Maxxxine' is a soulless movie with no atmosphere and cheaply uses the Universal Studios Backlots to strengthen its credentials only for it to fall flat and backfire in my opinion, which undermines what could have been a more edgier drama on the gritty streets of LA that weren't used to their full potential. 1980, and you couldn't recreate the Sixth Street Bridge or even reference it once? The inclusion of the Night Stalker didn't gel either. Cheaply done.

Hey Mia Goth? Hook up with Quentin Tarantino; he could utilize your talent with something more sophisticated.

Left in the hands of a more capable director, Mia Goth's talent could really shine, but in this movie it's just squandered. Mia Goth has come and gone and left no impression in an industry that's struggling to produce anything original.

And considering Goth's so self-centered, she might as well write an autobiography if she wants all the attention and be the center of the stage. Yeah, all eyes on you, lady.

And hey Hollywood, stop falling back on the 80s and make something for modern times. But that's right, there are no heroes anymore today. How forgetful of me. Nothing today in this here future is worth recreating as we're no longer risk takers or adventurers, so we're kind of in a quagmire, I guess.

After watching the first 5 episodes of 'Cobra Kai' season 6, my assessment of the show is just a free-thinking review out of order.

I'd like to start by asking: What did Silver actually do to be arrested? They were only misdemeanors. He's a war vet with no priors, and considering he can bribe anyone so easily, nothing would stick in a court of law. A lot of references are made to Mr. Silver throughout the first five episodes of season 6, but sadly, he makes no appearances. Fingers crossed down the track, maybe?

Season six is split into three installments, which will consist of the gathering/introduction, the tournament overseas, and a return to the United States where trouble will follow.

Chozen picks up a newspaper, and if you read the front page of the Valley Register (morning edition) closely, you'll detect three errors. There's a blatant typo in the main topic. "Kreese and Silver had been best friends and business partners since the military. They opened

They trained students in karate."

The second reads, "They disagreed on argument spilled over into their students."

And if you read about the circus clowns who can weave baskets under water, the paper claims that their pictures are above in the article, but there's no mugshot of either.

Whoever's the chief editor of this newspaper needs firing immediately.

Did you think you could slip that by me, 'Cobra Kai?' Do you know who I am? Don't you know who you're dealing with here? When I watch movies, all I ever do is seek out errors and negativity.

Robby being shot by Kenny at Golf N' Stuff was a low blow and cheap.

It has to be asked how Stingray managed to get his hands on a recording of Kreese's sermon in the dojo from the original. "Class, we have visitors." This is almost 'Halloween 3: Season of the Witch' stuff with that movie playing the original 'Halloween' on the TV screen in the bar. Is 'Cobra Kai' saying that 'The Karate Kid' was just a movie and its own show is real?

Kreese shows up at the ripe old octogenarian age of 80-something still holding a grudge against a teenager from the 80s. (Not much else doing in your life, huh, Kreese?) What's even more amazing is Kreese's sensei, Master Kim, who hasn't aged a day since the late 50s. Is it just me, or does he resemble Hoy Quarlow? (You'll have to Google that, as you're just a green belt, nobody who's not informed like I am.) How is Kreese allowed to travel from the United States to South Korea if he's a convicted felon and wanted? He appears back and forth so easily and in world-record time. A nice battle of wits with a snake over a MacGuffin sees Kreese bitten but survives. I don't know how, as all cobras are venomous. I would have preferred a red-spitting cobra for this role. No way would Kreese have pried that little dagger from a red-spitting cobra.

A lot of the actors have aged and look a bit puffy around the gills.

I didn't like the inclusion of Cyndi Lauper's slumber party action. Felt a bit flat.

No way in hell would you pick Muscles for your team. Wasn't he Bebop or Rocksteady previously? I think one would be wise to brush up on their 'Cobra Kai' skills and watch all the other series before diving into this one, as I'd forgotten minor details and had a bit of ring rust on me. I mean, I still kind of have to ask who that prostitute was who showed up trespassing and flirting with - what's his name again?

The standouts in these 5 episodes for me were Johnny and Barnes tangoing and the look on Tory's face at the tournament. The inclusion of Barnes is a masterstroke. Unfortunately, Deacon is only in it briefly.

With a short running time of only 30 minutes for most episodes, I find they're cramming too many characters into the plot. There are way too many characters. My biggest gripe with season 6 so far is the introduction of the South Korean baddies, as less than 20 minutes are dedicated to curtailing their background. You're not invested in their characters enough to care about their fate. Like, season 6, where were you guys the previous 5 seasons or other 'Karate Kid' movies? Is season 6 saying these guys are badder than Lawrence, Chozen, or Barnes? (I won't mention those Alpha Elite's from you know what.) Sure, these new guys aerial moves are dynamic, but they're stepping to an established lore with no known background. Manny Jacinto would have been good for this role. Even when the tournament starts at the end of episode 5, who are any of the other fighters, and from what countries are they? The makers of 'Cobra Kai' didn't detail any of this knowledge, so obviously you have to assume that it's going to come down to Miyagi-Do and the South Koreans? Are those guys Cobra Kai? If they are, never mind.

I think I may have cracked the code this early in the final season. And you heard it here first. Read between the lines, people. Daniel-San finds a treasure chest that alters his perception of Mr. Miyagi and scrambles his concentration. If you've watched enough of the 'Karate Kid' franchise then you'll come to learn three moves ahead as someone's always plotting a scheme. The hidden treasure chest holds information that goes against Miyagi's personality, so I'm calling it out that either Kreese, Silver, or Barnes planted this elaborate deception to offset Team Miyagi-Do, but that's just a preconceived theory. My money's on Barnes though, as he's a snake who's still contracted 50/50 with Silver in a long-term investment. There are still Cobra Kai in a few of Miyagi-Do's ranks. Namely Tory, Devon, and Robby. There are no prizes for guessing that Devon will find a conscience and fess up over what she did to Kenny later on. And no doubt Kenny will become integral to the show's third installment. Too much predictability.

I don't understand the strange gap in placement this season. It breaks momentum. It was bad enough with the long delay the past two years, as I kind of lost interest and am only a lukewarm fan this season. I mean, I sat there for the first three episodes and felt absolutely nothing. It should have concluded with season five's ending. It's dragging on a bit and repeating the same soap opera storylines, with everyone turning on each other again. We've seen this before. Same ole, same ole. The satisfaction was there at the end of season 5 when everyone bonded and forgave. Now in season 6, the cracks are showing and they're at each other's throats again, which undoes all of season five's good work.

What is the purpose of stretching this final season out? It's like a tease, which I think isn't fair. It's treating the fans with contempt. You run the risk of losing fans with this stunt. Let me think. I'll go out on a limb and state a wild assumption here. They wouldn't be spacing this final season out in three installments just to release the third one in March to get a spot in the Super Bowl halftime commercial slot for exposure?

I re-watched 'Cobra Kai' season 6 a second time, and here are some bonus additives.

Episode 1.

Did anyone notice Daniel-San still sports a sharp collar in some instances, like he's Johnny Cade from 'The Outsiders?' I think he's still sporting that blue hoodie from the original 'Karate Kid,' too.

I said earlier in my review above that someone planted the treasure chest, and now I'm wondering if it could be Stingray. He worked in Lowe's and, if I recall, made a pact with Silver before taking a beating. If they don't come back to this treasure box mystery, then that story arc was unnecessary.

Episode 2.

Hoy Quarlow explains his background and the sacred blade Kreese is to retrieve, and I believe the dagger is from the Engine Door dynasty under the Hairy Knife range. Hey, I'm hard on hearing.

Kreese's lucid vision after being bitten by the snake is kind of like a Star Wars cave premonition. Okay, so Silver does appear as his younger self, and it has to be questioned if the Marine Corps would allow a ponytail to be sported back in the day. I highly doubt it.

Little Stevie looks like Leatherface unmasked with Leo Sayer hair. Where'd you get this guy from, 'Cobra Kai?' I bet everyone wants to see more of him. Is he Muscles father? They look alike.

Why is no one ever charged with assault in this show? This community college brawl would land all these kids with permanent records. I'm not a fan of the Beastie Boys-esque rap music in that scene. Can you turn it down, please?

Episode 3.

At least the fight choreography is better in this than 'The Acolyte.'

The baddy in this is Kwon. Sounds like my dentist, Mr. Quan. Thanks a lot.

I don't understand this Page's Gym boxing trainer's involvement. Is he part of Silver's scheme? He looks like something out of 'Point Break.' I think in the third installment they may come back to this mysterious treasure chest and have it unraveled that "someone" was behind it who manipulated the whole scenario. Possibly Kreese, as Miyagi's passport was altered. Might explain how Kreese can move around?

Amanda and Daniel-San reveal that something secretive and huge happened in Cancun but won't reveal the saucy details. This opens Pandora's Box of endless possibilities. Swingers perhaps? Sold a few keys and became rich overnight?

Kreese and Alicia Hannah-Kim make a cute couple.

Episode 4.

I love how the laxatives Devon puts in Kenny's drink have an 'Exorcist 3' demon sound effect when it hits you.

There's a 'Presumed Innocent' moment at the end of this episode when Devon places the laxatives back in Muscle's bag and Johnny says, "You did it."

What was with the blatant ripping off of 'Rocky 2' and the greasy lightning speed with the chicken? Or references to Eric Roberts in that horrible movie 'Best of the Best?' The Lifetime actor? He's creepy. And that movie was all over a spilled ice cream cone. The acting was terrible.

I hope for your sake, 'Cobra Kai,' you pick up the slack a tad as I have no additives to include for episode 5. You've turned a bit too Degrassi High for my liking.

As a toxic male who's no longer a Star Wars fan, according to Disney, it saddens me to be hapless while witnessing Disney and Lucasfilm implode this franchise internally.

Disney claims they're attempting to broaden the audience and appeal to a wider demographic, but it's plainly and intentionally an inside job to turn away 70s fans to the detriment of viewership. Episode 7 is just a rinse and repeat of Episode 3, only told from a different perspective. (From a certain point of view?)

We learn that the coven of lesbian witches can possess entities and control their thoughts and actions, which sees Headland's Chewbacca, who was earlier using a Weed Wacker to trim tall grass, pick up a light blazer, and go toe to toe with two anemic-looking Jedi's in need of some vitamin D or iron tablets. You'd think John Woo directed this fight scene with all the ballerina theatrics in the air while in slow motion. And of course, it takes Trinity of 'The Matrix' to save the day. Yes, a female.

I still can't believe I'm putting Star Wars and lesbian in the same sentence together. We want science fiction not the sexualization of characters. This isn't '50 Shades of Grey' entertainment. Who cares about a characters sexual preference in movies anyway? It doesn't enhance the storyline one bit. If Pile was bisexual in 'Full Metal Jacket' would that have explained his sloven behavior or eating habits?

Why is there no mention in 'A New Hope,' 'Empire Strikes Back,' 'Return of the Jedi' 'Star Wars Holiday Special' or even 2018's 'Solo' of Wookies being Jedi? Chewbacca is known for its crossbow weapon. I can't recall him having a saber in any holster. Is Lucasfilm aware of how absurd the idea of a Wookie being a Jedi is? Who next - Droopy McCool or Yuzzum?

Headland thinks it's creative to connect this episode with a former one as a kind of dot-to-dot puzzle to interlace the mystery, but who cares if Mother Superior turns into a CGI ghost and cops one in the gullet and perishes? We weren't invested in her character enough to even care for her demise to begin with.

It absolutely saddens me that R&B has infiltrated a once family-friendly entertainment industry, and Star Wars has now been urbanized to fit the modern-day narrative. I can't stress how much my heart sinks at this thought. But you go right ahead and continue burning this franchise, Disney; I no longer care. You destroyed it for us lifelong fans, and it's clearly your objective to destroy our fun with your divisive politics. I could see this coming from a mile away the moment Lucas signed away the rights to Star Wars. I need to be deloused after witnessing this latest offering. Absolutely revolting.

R&B in Star Wars? That's like adding vinegar to your coffee.

Bring on 'Cobra Kai' and its final season. It can't come quick enough.

PS. I just thought of one more point. Why didn't 'The Acolyte' come with some sort of warning label to alert the public that this show's aim was designed for the LGBTQ+ community and not suitable, or sensible, for the majority? They obviously want segregation with the audience on this one, so why not clarify it with a Q rating as an example? This 'Acolyte' show is not for the 'Empire Strikes Back' crowd, so why not clarify with some heads-up warning?

The brow-beating company Disney continues to churn out more episodes of a show only critics are watching and praising to the hilt with their indoctrinated shill skills.

Their dogma contradicts Star Wars lore all over the shop in their hasty appraisal to reward this meager and feeble entertainment with fake 10/10 reviews.

The midway mystery comes early in the series when Ezra Miller removes his pigskin-zippered 50s football helmet, revealing him to be the Masked Singer underneath, which shocked nobody.

The fizzled revelation is as flat as Ziggy Stardust being murdered as well. Equally unimportant is discarding Yord with a Steven Seagal martial arts move from 'Nico: Above the Law.'

I don't recall Darth Vader headbutting any kyber crystal-powered sword or having any Beskar or Cortosis armor. Wouldn't it be only logical to create your clone armies all in these two materials, as they'd be the ultimate cop killers from 'Lethal Weapon 3?' I guess one does require a Cortosis football helmet with a zipper to combat halitosis.

The highlight of the show is the 'Freaky Friday' storyline, with the two sisters swapping identities and one even going so far as to use a Best Buy home hair kit to use the one-stroke action to slice all her hair off. But it's rather pitiful how they fail to blend the two sisters together convincingly when on screen, as their modern filming techniques look to have gone backward as they look so cheap.

I think now's a better time than any to remind everyone that Kathleen Kennedy pledged to protect the integrity of George Lucas' work right in front of his face. How's that holding up? All I can say is bring on the final season of 'Cobra Kai.'

The last time I watched my copy of this "movie," the disc was faulty and refused to play the ending.

I remember free-to-air TV showing this back in the early 80s on channel 10, and if I recall, we failed to finish watching it as it was so disappointing.

It was around the same time we went to the drive-in and saw Curly Sue in one of those Ewok movies. You could hear other people in their cars actually kicking up a fuss, as we were all expecting a sequel to 'Return of the Jedi.'

Stock footage of Han and Chewy shows them in a 'Plains, Trains & Automobiles' predicament to get home to celebrate 'Life Day.'

A disobedient Lumpy manages to irk his custodians after only a minute - didn't take long - and should have been banished to his room immediately.

Am I really watching this?

Miniature Cirque du Soleil characters are herded out in one scene to flip about on screen, displaying their acrobatic skills, but in a galaxy, far, far away?

How embarrassing for the Star Wars galaxy to have this ball chained around its ankle and have to carry its weight.

Chewy's parents are animated in an aggressive manner.

"Let's see a smile," says Luke Skywalker. A smile? While watching this? I'm sitting here with my 'Acolyte' face on! But hey, I am finding myself laughing occasionally at how bad it is.

I'm fast forwarding a fair bit of The Halloween Special too.

The cooking segment has to be seen to be believed.

Isn't this scene with Chewy's dad a bit risqué for prime-time TV as kids were watching this? Chewy's dad has gone all Total Recall.

Is that Johnny Cash?

A Death Squad Commander downloads a pay-per-view event of a rock concert, and it's just some Starship light metal band, which I'm fast forwarding. Rock music in a galaxy far, far away?

The Boba Fett cartoon takes you out of the movie and doesn't blend, but it's got that whole 'He-Man' quality about it. Strange how there were never any Star Wars cartoons back in the 80s on our cartoon networks.

Lumpy takes a crash course in communications, and this tutor fella who keeps short circuiting reminds me of that scene from 'Back to the Future 2' in the café: "Welcome to Café 80's."

Walrus Man is in this? Wasn't he killed in 'A New Hope?'

A Golden Girl on Mos Eisley? Actually, everyone from the cantina is in this scene, and they're all wasted and going along with it, unaware that they're being filmed while making fools of themselves.

Can you believe how stupid that Stormtrooper was to fall for Solo's feigned action?

At this point, my DVD-R copy refuses to go any further, but what I've seen online is Chewy's clan pledging their allegiance to a sect.

Princess Leia does her best Seekers impression, and this "movie" was the first musical in the Star Wars series.

You just know a movie is generic when there's no bonus feature on the DVD.

Oh boy, look at all these distribution names associated with the opening credits: Fis Eireann Screen Ireland, Epic Pictures, Film i Vast, Swedish Film Institution, Wallimage, Casa Kafka Pictures, Voo Belfius, La Passion Du Cinema, Be TV, Creative Land Scot, Abba Chruthachail, RTE, BAI, Fantastic Films, Bright Pics Frakas Productions, and Makar Productions.

The sound on this DVD is very poor.

I've enabled the subtitles and now have to read it, not watch it.

Some school scholar student, Siobhan, is a bookworm in the field of George Costanza's marine biology and is encouraged to get some hands-on experience with a total bunch of strangers who, at first, all seem intimidating. By the end of the movie, I didn't mind the cast.

"I need to do a deep dive." "Like under water?" Where else do you dive, skipper, off a bridge?

In her spare time, Siobhan is a YouTube algorithm analyst, and her mission on the trawler is to capture photographic evidence of the catch of the day and filter it for impurities.

I hope this doesn't start preaching how humans are responsible for killing marine life.

Come on, movie, start gutting some fish, or something. Let's see some blood, or Octaman.

Who is our monster in this?

It's pretty smooth sailing until Predator's satnav detects an incoming speed hump that renders them immobile for an hour.

There's a word you don't hear often: eejit.

The boat starts taking on some gelatinous blue lemonade jello that clings to the vessel like either a Remora, Catostomidae, or Axolotl.

Like in 'Aliens,' all crew members are in agreement to capture the giant suckerfish and take it back for testing as it's an advanced species that can be used against other nations if conformed to command and execute orders.

"Why be its servant when you can be its master?" said Bodhi.

Greed always gets the best of desperate characters in movies.

Three separatists row over to an abandoned deathship, and I'm digging the adventure. I like this part.

You're on course so far, movie; don't stray.

The deathship turns up nothing but a dead, eyeless body.

After bagging a haul of either Pollock or Halibut, the crew starts displaying the effects of scurvy. Eyeballs start exploding, leaving an unholy mess that'll require some ultra grime removal scrubbing.

Wasn't there a 1970s TV movie about a virus on a boat infecting everyone like an airborne disease? (Killer on Board -1977.) We're talking microorganisms.

There's no movie monster in this one!

To disinfect the virus, they electrocute the boat with jumper cables, and I'm starting to wonder if their prized catch is infected and worthless now.

In the end, everyone becomes infected, and as a noble gesture, they sacrifice themselves by not returning to the mainland, only to let the virus pick them off one by one. What happened to the Freya lady?

Oh yuck, I just found out the lead actress, Siobhan, was in 'Star Wars 8.' P'worrr. Enough with the 'Star Wars' garbage already.

There's no tension whatsoever concerning the ELO sucker fish. It's just a placid kaleidoscope of LSD imagery, which is misunderstood.

Why didn't they have Gillman or some other oversized sea urchin monster to spice things up?

I never thought I'd see the day when Winnie the Pooh was rated R. What next, Bugs Bunny or the Road Runner?

Wait a minute, this is starting with the same narration as 'The Mean One.'

So, this movie is similar to 'Toy Story' and how Andy grows up and leaves their childhood toys abandoned and unloved.

Who's that, Justin Timberlake? We're introduced to him and his fiancé, and the movie was probably better served staying with the 2B art doodles.

What would have made for a better movie with a horror touch is Little Red Riding Hood and those windbag wolves. They could give it the 'Blair Witch' treatment.

So, what's supposed to be a stuffed plush teddy bear is just a plump human under a silly rubber Piglet Halloween mask. At least the giant snowman in 'Jack Frost' looked authentic.

Is that Sally Field?

She informs our lead actress, who has no background, to escape to the country, and the whole point of making a movie is to engage with the audience, but this movie is too lazy to even bother as it fails to explain why this unnamed actress is in therapy or what she has to escape from. Later in the movie, she freezes from apparent frozen fish stick syndrome, and I don't even know why she broke down. Was it that 'Mall Cop' disease?

Or was it the paltry scene where some neighbor entered her house and just watched over her? The dude was the idiot narrating the start of the movie while watching her progress. They're not all tooth fairies overseeing procedures.

Wow, they just had to do the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' gas stop homage, and how convenient that there's no gas either. Want some barbecue to go? Is this the comfort factor that triggers some memory of a childhood family vacation when we used to stop to stretch before the terror started?

Five unnamed actresses drive to the countryside just to rent an Airbnb in the suburbs of Essex, and no doubt only one of them will survive when it's all over.

Either way, some other random nose-wearing unnamed 'Home and Away' cast member who wandered off the set of Summer Bay enters the frame and is killed for no reason in a dark shed. What her connection is to the other unnamed isn't explained.

Like the 2013 'Evil Dead,' an intervention is held for some recovering addict as verbal therapies substitute for Clozapine quick relief.

If I'm going to award this movie 1/10, that whole point goes toward the rubber-masked Pooh Bear crying tears of honey. Other than that, the two villains look stupid.

40 minutes into this, and it has 1/10 written all over it.

"Alice, I love you." "I love you too."In between being home invaded and chased inside, do they find the time to exchange devotions?

Great, there's a pool of water indoors similar to that horrible 'Texas Chainsaw' movie from 2022.

Can someone tell me how one chews honey exactly? And yes, I've enabled the subtitles.

Pooh Bear gets a bit of 'Halloween Kills' treatment toward the end as some locals gang up on him and throw everything at him, but he repels their onslaught like it ain't no thing and their futile offense doesn't even faze him. One victim is then stomped on in the fashion of 2018's 'Halloween.'Throw in a bit of 'Halloween 4' with Myers climbing on the car, seeking revenge on the vigilante posse who smoked Ted Hollister.

Whoever wrote the dialog for the actors gave them painfully elementary lines to work with. Everything's so ABC with their line delivery.

Throw in a bit of 'Halloween 2' Ben Tramer car slamming toward the end, and I give up.

Why do I fill my head up with this garbage?

Horrible.

Movies today fail to entertain.