Helga on the Couch

Dr. Bliss: I'm hearing your anger again, Helga.

Helga Pataki: Okay, so you hear my anger, so I get angry. I already told you that I've got a lame mom, a blowhard dad and a perfect sister. So they make me mad. Big deal!

Dr. Bliss: So why do you take it out on Arnold?

Helga Pataki: Why do you keep bringing up Arnold? I am not angry at Arnold.

Dr. Bliss: Helga, I've seen you express more anger at him than anyone else.

Helga Pataki: I don't know what you're talking about.

Dr. Bliss: You know, Helga, if you feel like getting something off your chest, like how you feel about Arnold, now might be a pretty good time to do it. Anything you say will be kept in confidence, of course.

Helga Pataki: Confidence?

Dr. Bliss: It's my professional code not to tell what goes on here.

Helga Pataki: You're sworn not to tell?

Dr. Bliss: Of course, Helga.

Helga Pataki: I mean, you're sworn, right? Even if you were tortured, you'd never tell?

Dr. Bliss: I swear never to tell.

Helga Pataki: You mean, so, like, if someone stuck your head in a cage with a starved, rabid rat, you'd still wouldn't tell?

Dr. Bliss: Even then, Helga, I still wouldn't tell.

Helga Pataki: Well... I...

Dr. Bliss: You...?

Helga Pataki: I... I love Arnold! There, I said it! I love him! I love him! Arnold, Arnold, Arnold! I'm absotively, posilutely in love with the boy! I wanna grow up and have a fabulous life traveling around the world with him, coffee in Paris, roses, sailboats, the whole nine yards! I wanna have a perfume named after us: Arnold and Helga! I love Arnold! Satisfied?

Dr. Bliss: Now we're getting somewhere.

Helga Pataki: And if you ever tell anyone, I'll rip your tongue out and wrap it around your neck!

Dr. Bliss: Don't worry. You can trust me.

Helga Pataki: [with a heavy sigh] Man, that was building up for awhile.