- Borodenko: When will papers be ready?
- C.R. Macnamara: I'll put my secretary right to work on it.
- Mishkin: Your secretary? She's that blonde lady?
- C.R. Macnamara: That's the one.
- Peripetchikoff: [after conferring with the others] You will send papers to East Berlin with blonde lady in triplicate.
- C.R. Macnamara: You want the papers in triplicate, or the blonde in triplicate?
- Peripetchikoff: See what you can do.
- Peripetchikoff: But if I defect, you know what they will do to my family? They will line them up against the wall and shoot them! My wife, and my mother-in-law, and my sister-in-law, and my brother-in-law.
- [pauses]
- Peripetchikoff: Comrades, let's do it!
- Otto: I'll pick you up at 6:30 sharp, because the 7 o'clock train to Moscow leaves promptly at 8:15.
- Scarlet: Do you realize that Otto spelled backwards is Otto?
- Phyllis MacNamara: How about that?
- Scarlet: You'll like him. He looks just like Jack Kennedy, only he's younger and he has more upstairs.
- Phyllis MacNamara: More brains?
- Scarlet: More *hair*. And of course, ideologically, he's much sounder.
- Phyllis MacNamara: Maybe we voted for the wrong man.
- Scarlet: That couldn't happen in Russia.
- Phyllis MacNamara: They don't make mistakes.
- Scarlet: They don't *vote*.
- C.R. MacNamara: Scarlet!
- Scarlet: What's all the excitement?
- C.R. MacNamara: Oh nothing... you just scared the hell out of us! You alright?
- Scarlet: I'm just, marvy.
- C.R. MacNamara: What were you doing in East Berlin?
- Scarlet: You mean last night?
- C.R. MacNamara: I mean *all* those night?
- Scarlet: You see, there's this boy over there. Wow!
- C.R. MacNamara: What boy? What have you been up to?
- Scarlet: Well, I met him about six weeks ago. I went into East Berlin and there was this parade and they wanted to arrest me.
- C.R. MacNamara: Arrest you?
- Scarlet: Because I was taking pictures. And then there was this boy -- he was in the parade, he said to the police man I shouldn't be arrested, I should be pitied, because I was a typical bourgeois parasite and the rotten fruit of a corrupt civilization. So naturally, I fell in love with him.
- C.R. MacNamara: [nods and smiles sarcastically] Naturally.
- Scarlet: [holds up a photograph] Want to see his picture?
- C.R. MacNamara: Not particularly.
- Scarlet: No, I want your honest opinion.
- [MacNamara takes the photograph and looks at it. The picture consists of someone carrying a large picture of Nikita Khrushchev]
- Scarlet: Isn't he beautiful?
- C.R. MacNamara: [double takes as he tries to understand what he's seeing] You fell in love with Khrushchev!
- Scarlet: No silly, the one that's carrying Khruschev. His name's Otto.
- [the office door opens and Schlemmer enters. He walks up to MacNamara and clicks his heels]
- Schlemmer: I finally got East Berlin on the phone and just like I told you, wrong number.
- Scarlet: [to Schlemmer] Hi there.
- C.R. MacNamara: [hands Scarlet the photograph] Now you and this Otto, exactly what do you do when you're together?
- Scarlet: Oh, all kinds of goodies. I wash his shirts and he broadens my mind. And if it's a warm night, we go lie on the roof and watch the Sputniks go by.
- C.R. MacNamara: Is that all?
- Scarlet: Well, last night we were blowing up balloons.
- C.R. MacNamara: Balloons?
- Scarlet: You know...
- [Scarlet produces a balloon and begins to inflate it]
- Schlemmer: It is a Communist trick. When the wind is right, they float them across to undermine our morale.
- [Scarlet finishes inflating the balloon, which MacNamara takes to look at. On the front of the balloon, are three words, which read: "Yankee Go Home"]
- C.R. MacNamara: [with shock] Yankee Go Home!
- Scarlet: They come in all colors. Green, and yellow, and blue.
- C.R. MacNamara: You've been helping this guy to spread anti-American propaganda!
- Scarlet: It's not anti-American, it's anti-Yankee. Where I come from, everybody's against the Yankees.
- Schlemmer: I have a good mind to change this to "Russki Go Home", and when the wind blows the other way...
- C.R. MacNamara: [hands the balloon to Schlemmer] Okay! Okay!
- C.R. MacNamara: You know something? You guys got cheated. This is a pretty crummy cigar.
- Peripetchikoff: Do not worry. We send them pretty crummy rockets.
- C.R. MacNamara: [voiceover] Some of the East German police were rude and suspicious. Others were suspicious and rude.
- C.R. MacNamara: Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal, William Shakespeare, and Stripe toothpaste can't be all bad.
- Scarlet: So you just tell Daddy I'm on my way to the U.S.S.R. That's short for Russia.
- C.R. MacNamara: Are you out of your seventeen-year-old mind? Russia is to get out of, not to get into!
- C.R. MacNamara: They're staying at the Grand Hotel Potemkin. You know where that is?
- Fritz: Yes, sir. It used to be the Great Hotel Goring, and before that, it was the Great Hotel Bismarck.
- Otto: [bursts into room wearing boxers, shirt, tie and morning coat] I'm going to like this job!
- C.R. MacNamara: It's about time you started cooperating.
- Otto: You know what the first thing is I'm going to do? I'm going to lead the workers down there in revolt!
- C.R. MacNamara: Put your pants on, Spartacus!
- C.R. MacNamara: Schlemmer, I want all those people out there to drop everything and stand by for orders! General alarm, complete mobilization!
- Schlemmer: Ah, like the good old days, yes, sir!
- [First line, voiceover]
- C.R. MacNamara: On Sunday, August 13th, 1961, the eyes of America were on the nation's capital, where Roger Maris was hitting home runs #44 and 45 against the Senators. On that same day, without any warning, the East German Communists sealed off the border between East and West Berlin. I only mention this to show the kind of people we're dealing with - REAL SHIFTY!
- Phyllis MacNamara: She married a communist? That's going to be the biggest thing to hit Atlanta since General Sherman threw that little barbecue. No, I don't think it's funny. They're going to live in Moscow? Now, that's funny!
- [But later, Schlemmer recognizes the reporter Untermeyer (played by Til Kiwe)]
- Schlemmer: Herr Oberleutnant!
- C.R. MacNamara: You two know each other?
- Schlemmer: He was my commanding officer.
- C.R. MacNamara: In the subway?
- Schlemmer: No, after that, when I was drafted.
- C.R. MacNamara: Aha! Gestapo!
- Schlemmer: No, no, SS.
- C.R. MacNamara: Ten minutes early! That's a hell of a way to run an airline! Planes are supposed to be late, not early!
- Peripetchikoff: We have emergency meeting with Swiss Trade Delegation. They send us twenty car-loads of cheese. Totally unacceptable... full of holes.
- Peripetchikoff: No formula, NO DEAL!
- C.R. MacNamara: OK, NO DEAL!
- Borodenko: We do not need you! If we want Coca-cola, we invent it ourselves!
- C.R. MacNamara: Oh, yeah? In 1956 you flew a bottle of Coke to a secret laboratory in Sverdlosk. A dozen of your top chemists went nuts trying to analyze the ingredients. Right?
- Mishkin: No comment!
- C.R. MacNamara: And in 1958, you planted two undercover agents in Atlanta to steal the formula. And what happened? They both defected! And now they're successful businessmen in Florida packaging instant borscht. Right?
- Peripetchikoff: No comment!
- C.R. MacNamara: Last year you put out a cockamamie imitation "Kremlin-kola!" You tried it out in the satellite countries, but even the Albanians wouldn't drink it. They used it for SHEEP DIP! RIGHT?
- Mishkin: No comment!
- C.R. MacNamara: So either get down to business or get off the pot!
- Peripetchikoff: My dear American friend, if we are to live together in peaceful coexistence, there must be a certain amount of give and take.
- C.R. MacNamara: Oh, sure - we give and you take.
- Peripetchikoff: What is the matter - you do not trust us?
- C.R. MacNamara: No comment!
- C.R. MacNamara: [at first meeting Otto] Where did you dig him up? He doesn't even wear socks!
- Scarlet: He doesn't wear shorts, either! Isn't that exciting?
- Otto: Capitalism is like a dead herring in the moonlight. It shines, but it stinks.
- Scarlet: [to MacNamara] He talks like that all the time.
- [to Otto]
- Scarlet: Tell him about Coca-Cola Colonialism.
- Otto: As Chairman Khrushchev said on the 40th anniversary of the revolution...
- C.R. MacNamara: [Interrupting] To hell with the revolution and to hell with Khrushchev!
- Otto: [Drawing in a big breath and puffing out his chest] The hell with Frank Sinatra.
- Pierre: [In French acccent] Madame, I appeal to you as a woman...
- Phyllis MacNamara: As a matter of fact you do. Au revoir!
- C.R. MacNamara: Just between us, Schlemmer, what did you do during the war?
- Schlemmer: I was in der Untergrund: the underground.
- C.R. MacNamara: Resistance fighter?
- Schlemmer: No, motorman. In the underground, you know, the subway.
- Peripetchikoff: [trying to trade for Ingeborg] Would you take new automobile? 1961 Moskvich hardtop convertible, two-tone.
- C.R. MacNamara: You mean that Russian hot rod parked outside?
- Peripetchikoff: Is wonderful car. Is exact copy of 1937 Nash.
- Otto: You! I should take that "wedding present" and break it over your head!
- C.R. MacNamara: That's gratitude after all the trouble I went through to get you out of jail!
- Otto: You got me into jail!
- C.R. MacNamara: So we're even!
- Peripetchikoff: Well, Comrades, what are we going to do? He's got it - we want it. Are we going to accept this blackmailing capitalist's deal?
- Mishkin: Let's take a vote.
- Peripetchikoff: I vote yes.
- Mishkin: I vote yes.
- Peripetchikoff: Two out of three. Deal is on!
- Borodenko: Comrades, before you get in trouble, I must warn you, I am not really from Soft Drink Secretariat. I am undercover agent assigned to watch you.
- Mishkin: In that case I vote no. Deal is off.
- Borodenko: But I vote yes!
- Peripetchikoff: Two out of three again! Deal is on!
- [Otto muddles his coached answers]
- Wendell P. Hazeltine: How is the situation here in Berlin?
- Otto Ludwig Piffl: It shouldn't happen to a dog! Uh, I - I mean, it's a draw! Actually, the situation is hopeless, but not serious.
- C.R. MacNamara: Oh, yeah, I uh, I forgot he doesn't wear shorts.
- [underwear]
- Phyllis MacNamara: No wonder they're winning the Cold War.
- C.R. MacNamara: [Schlemmer has returned from East Berlin wearing Ingeborg's dress] Schlemmer!
- Schlemmer: Yes, sir? I'm sorry I didn't shave this morning.
- Ingeborg: Look at my dress! It's ruined!
- C.R. MacNamara: Did you have any trouble getting out of East Berlin?
- Schlemmer: No, but I had a little trouble in West Berlin. I was picked up by an American soldier in a Jeep. He was very fresh, wanted to take my picture for something called "Playboy?"
- Phyllis MacNamara: Well, why can't you get yourself a nice permanent job with the home office in Atlanta?
- C.R. MacNamara: Atlanta? You can't be serious! That's Siberia with mint juleps!
- C.R. MacNamara: What's come over you, Phyllis? After sixteen years...
- Phyllis MacNamara: Maybe after sixteen years, every marriage gets a little stale, like a leftover glass of beer.
- C.R. MacNamara: Can't we discuss this problem without bringing up a rival beverage?
- Otto: We will take over West Berlin. We will take over Western Europe. We will bury you!
- C.R. MacNamara: Do me a favor. Bury us but don't marry us.
- C.R. MacNamara: Some of the East German police were rude and suspicious, others were suspicious and rude. The eastern sector under communist domination was still in rubble but the people went about their daily business, parading.
- Scarlet: You can forward the mail to American Express in Moscow. And "Vogue" magazine. And "Screamer" magazine.
- Phyllis MacNamara: All right, if you promise to send me "Pravda" every day. Just the funnies.
- Peripetchikoff: Instead of dollars, you would accept three-week tour of Bolshoi Ballet?
- C.R. MacNamara: Please, no culture, just cash.
- Mishkin: The Ugly American!
- C.R. MacNamara: [Looks at balloon Scarlett Hazeltine is holding] Yankee go home?
- Scarlet: They come in all colors... green and yellow and blue.
- C.R. MacNamara: You been helpin' this guy to spread anti-American propaganda?
- Scarlet: It's not anti-American. It's anti-Yankee. Where I come from, everybody's against the Yankees.
- [Ingeborg is in her slip in MacNamara's office]
- C.R. MacNamara: You better put something on. Your goose pimples are showing.
- Ingeborg: [looking down] That's nothing. You should see my sister.
- Ingeborg: Here's your mail, here's your Wall Street Journal, and here's my resignation.
- C.R. MacNamara: Resignation? What are you talking about?
- Ingeborg: You do not work me overtime anymore, you do not take advantage of me on weekends, you have lost all interest in the... umlaut. So obviously, my services are no longer required here.
- Peripetchikoff: While they are putting Uncle Sam in cuckoo clock, we will put Soviet cosmonaut on moon.
- C.R. MacNamara: Okay, so you guys may be the first to shoot a man to the moon, but if he wants a Coke on the way, you'll have to come to us.
- Otto: I spit on your money. I spit on Fort Knox. I spit on Wall Street.
- C.R. MacNamara: Unsanitary little jerk, isn't he?
- C.R. MacNamara: [Scarlet takes off Otto's cap, revealing his shaggy, disheveled hair] He could use a haircut... and I'd like to give it to him myself with a hammer and sickle.
- C.R. MacNamara: No, don't pack his old clothes!
- Schlemmer: What shall we do with them?
- C.R. MacNamara: Burn them! But first have them disinfected!