- Dexter Grayson: Where were you yesterday?
- Anne Schuyler: Oh, Stew and I went for a long ride. Dexter, is there any finishing school we could send him to?
- Dexter Grayson: Yes - Sing Sing!
- Dexter Grayson: The last time I asked her for those letters, she made very uncouth noises with her mouth.
- Conroy, The Editor: Anne Schuyler's in the blue book; you're not even in the phone book. Think that one over... sucker!
- Dexter Grayson: Anne asked me, uh, to come and see you about the divorce.
- Stew Smith: She did?
- Dexter Grayson: She wants me to arrange the financial settlement.
- Stew Smith: Listen, Grayson, I got 106 bucks and 75 cents in the bank. Now Anne can have any part of that she wants, but she's got to hurry, because I'm spending it awful fast.
- Dexter Grayson: You don't seem to understand. Anne doesn't expect anything from you. We would like to know how much YOU would want to ...
- Stew Smith: Now wait a minute! Do I get from you that she wants to pay ME alimony?
- Stew Smith: Now, before you go unconscious, I want you to get this through your nut.
- Dexter Grayson: I beg your pardon?
- Stew Smith: Unconscious. You know, when you don't know anything - your natural state! There's some people, you can't buy their self-respect for a bucket of shekels! Now, I happen to be one of those guys.
- Dexter Grayson: We just thought...
- Stew Smith: Don't think! Let me do the thinking. Now you go back to that Schuyler outfit and tell them that I didn't marry that dame for her dough, and I don't want any of her dough now.
- Dexter Grayson: Yes.
- Stew Smith: I was too poor to buy her a wedding present when we married, so I'll give her a divorce for a wedding present!
- Conroy, The Editor: You know what to do in a drawing room?
- Stew Smith: It isn't a question of knowing what to do... it's knowing how to get IN one that counts.
- Binji Baker: No use you you hanging around here. Just buy a copy of the Tribune, read it over, then make a rewrite... you can use it for your last edition.
- Stew Smith: It'll never make the last edition. It'll take me four hours to translate your story into English.
- Binji Baker: Oh, is that so?
- Stew Smith: I'm afraid. Take your hat off, might make an impression.
- [Baker takes off hat]
- Stew Smith: Impossible. Put it on again.
- Mrs. Schuyler: [Anne is reading the newspaper] What does it say about the reception last night?
- Anne Schuyler: Oh, the usual thing: blah, blah, blah attended the blah blah and wore the same blah blah things.
- Stew Smith: Say, I interviewed a swell guy the other day: Einstein. Yeah, swell guy. Little eccentric, but a swell - doesn't wear, doesn't wear any garters. Neither do I, as a matter of fact.
- Stew Smith: [to Anne] I know what's wrong - I'm colorblind. That's what's wrong, I'm colorblind. I've been sitting here for a half-hour looking at you, and I don't know yet whether your eyes are blue or violet.
- Stew Smith: What country is this library in? Miss Schuyler, how about car fare back to the front door, huh?
- Stew Smith: You should throw me out. Because I begin to get goofy ideas and they concern you, Anne.
- Anne Schuyler: None of your ideas could be goofy, Stew, if they concern me.
- Stew Smith: Well, my name is Smith. That you seem to have been able to stand for the last month. I am white, male and over 21. I've never been in jail... that is, not often. And I prefer Scotch to bourbon, I hate carrots, I hate peas, I like bad coffee, and I hate garters. I make seventy-five bucks a week, and I got eight hundred and forty-seven bucks in the bank... and I don't know yet whether your eyes are blue or violet.
- Anne Schuyler: That's because you're too far away, Stew.
- [Kiss]
- Stew Smith: Is she beautiful? Oh boss, I think pictures don't do her justice. If I were that guy, Zigfield...
- Gallagher: You're certainly going to be poison to that Junior Leaguer from now on.
- Stew Smith: Gosh, I hope not. I got to call on her this morning.
- Gallagher: You what?
- Stew Smith: Sure! I must drop in and see the witch. Her wounds need soothing.
- Gallagher: For heaven's sake, Stew, are you completely bats? What for? I thought that story was cold.
- Stew Smith: Sure the story was cold; but, I'm not. I'm sizzlin'. Look!
- Gallagher: Oh, came the dawn, came the dawn.
- Stew Smith: And with it came love. Oh, Gallagher, you've got to meet her. She's "it"!
- Gallagher: And that!
- Stew Smith: And those and them!
- Gallagher: Well, I've see her pictures and I don't think she's so hot.
- Anne Schuyler: It's going to be a very interesting experiment.
- Dexter Grayson: To make a gentleman out of a tramp?
- Anne Schuyler: Exactly.
- Dexter Grayson: Now, Anne, you'll remember how much it cost to get rid of that baseball player.
- Anne Schuyler: You don't seem to understand that this one's different. He has brains.
- Dexter Grayson: What about me, Anne?
- Anne Schuyler: You? Oh, don't go serious on me, Dexter.
- Conroy, The Editor: Listen, you'll never be anything but just the reporter that married the Schuyler's millions. Stew Smith is dead and buried. From now on, you'll be just Anne Schuyler's husband. A rich wife's magnolia. If you can smoke that without gettin' sick - you're welcome to it.
- Mrs. Schuyler: Oh, its a good thing your father passed away before he saw insanity ravage the family. I can't imagine what made you do such a thing. A reporter! Of all things, a reporter! A barbarian who lets his socks come down.
- Stew Smith: When you move down to my place, I'll show it to you.
- Anne Schuyler: In your place?
- Stew Smith: Yeah. Oh, it's great. Of course, it doesn't compare with this Colosseum of yours, here. But, will serve, m'lady, will serve. The architecture is, eh, well, it has a little feeling of Missouri Gothic and the furniture sort of leans toward Oklahoma Renaissance with a tiny touch of Grand Rapids.
- Stew Smith: Say, you know, you're nice. You're all right. You'll make a good wife.
- Dawson - the Valet: Thank you, sir.
- Stew Smith: Well, not for me.
- Gallagher: Don't turn around now, but, there's a very beautiful girl up there that seems to be staring at us.
- Stew Smith: Staring at us?
- Gallagher: My mistake, she's glaring.
- Stew Smith: She's glaring - it must be my wife.
- Stew Smith: We never look at Gallagher as a girl!
- Anne Schuyler: No? Well, what do you look upon her as?
- Stew Smith: Well, down at the office, we always just look at - - Gallagher, that's all.
- Gallagher: Well, you see, they all consider me just as one of the boys.
- Stew Smith: Right!
- Anne Schuyler: [Skeptically] Indeed. How interesting.
- Smythe, The Butler: Have a seat.
- Binji Baker: Well, I've got a seat, but I have no place to put it.
- Smythe, The Butler: Oh, pardon me, sir, but I've heard that one before.
- Stew Smith: You know what I should do with you? I should sock you right in that - funny little nose.
- Gallagher: Yes, and I'd love it.
- Stew Smith: Sure, you'd love it.
- Stew Smith: Have we got a play, Anne. Oh, have we got a play! Of course, most of it's Gallagher's. She did most of it. That brain of hers. It just snaps like that all of the time.
- Anne Schuyler: I'm not interested in the way her brain snaps.
- Mrs. Schuyler: If you had to make a fool of yourself, why didn't you tell it to her, instead of writing?
- Michael Schuyler: Because I couldn't get her on the phone.
- Mrs. Schuyler: Imbecile!
- Anne Schuyler: You should have known better than to write, Romeo. I found that out a long time ago.
- Mrs. Schuyler: I should say you had. At the rate you two are going, we'll have to leave the country to save our faces!
- Anne Schuyler: Splendid, Mother! Let's hop over to Monte Carlo. It's a great place to save a face!
- Stew Smith: Yeah, I know those bluenoses. Their ancestors refused to come over on the Mayflower because they didn't want to rub elbows with the tourists... so they swam over!
- Stew Smith: Well, Gallagher!
- Gallagher: Hi!
- Stew Smith: Ohhh, I'm glad to see you! Hello, Hank. How are you?
- Hank: Oh, fine, but kind of thirsty...
- Stew Smith: Thirsty? Come right in, I'll get you a drink, huh?
- [starts to close door]
- Hank: Oh, say, uh, you remember Joe?
- Stew Smith: Sure.
- Hank: Well, I sort of invited him in to bend an elbow with us.
- Stew Smith: 'Sall right, 'sall right, 'sall right; bring him in.
- Hank: Come on, Joe. It's all right.
- Joe: All right!
- Stew Smith: Hello, Joe!
- Joe: Hello, kid, how are you?
- Stew Smith: Glad to see you, kid.
- [starts to close door]
- Joe: Say, just a minute.
- Stew Smith: Yeah?
- Joe: Johnson's outside. You don't mind if he comes in and dips the beak, do ya?
- Stew Smith: No, no, bring him in. More the merrier.
- Joe: [to Johnson] Hey, come on, come on.
- Stew Smith: Hi, Johnson!
- Johnson: Hello, Stew, old pal. How are you?
- Stew Smith: Glad to see you.
- Johnson: I'm glad to see you.
- Stew Smith: Come on in, come on in.
- [starts to close door]
- Johnson: Say, lookit, wait a minute. I've got two of the boys I brought along with me, they're cruising around with nothing to do... you don't mind if I bring them in?
- Stew Smith: You brought two of them?
- Johnson: Yes.
- Stew Smith: That's all right, bring 'em in...
- Johnson: Come on in.
- Stew Smith: ... well, what's the difference?
- [... and the other 20 people come in]
- Anne Schuyler: I've met some rotters in my time; but, without a doubt you're the lowest excuse for a man I've had the misfortune to meet.
- Stew Smith: And, oh, has she got herself a nose. And I know noses, too. That little snozzle of hers.
- Stew Smith: There you go, talkin' like a woman.
- Gallagher: Well?
- Stew Smith: Well, you're my pal, aren't you? And don't turn female on me.
- Smythe, The Butler: Mrs. Schuyler is not at home.
- Stew Smith: I know. I know. I waited outside, until she went out. She's a nice lady, she's all right; but, we don't vibrate well together.
- Anne Schuyler: I won't even pretend you haven't done me a great favor. I wish there was something I could do for you?
- Stew Smith: There's a swell girl. I want you to meet her.
- Gallagher: Who me? She wouldn't want to meet me - I'm just an old load of hay.
- Stew Smith: Here's what we'll do. We'll have a party down at your house. One of those spaghetti party's, you know? Haven't had one in a long time. Have we, Gallagher?
- Gallagher: Not since you broke into society.
- Conroy, The Editor: Let me know when you're quittin'.
- Stew Smith: I'm not quitting.
- Conroy, The Editor: No?
- [sings]
- Conroy, The Editor: "For he's only a bird in a gilded cage, a beautiful sight to see." Tweet. Tweet.
- [Walks away laughing]
- Stew Smith: Oh, go on and laugh, you hyena!
- Stew Smith: [singing to Anne] Oh, you can't carry a tune, you can't carry a tune, all you are good for is to sit and spoon, spoon...
- Stew Smith: That was kind of a rotten thing to do, Anne. After all, Gallagher's my friend. The least you can do is be courteous to her.
- Anne Schuyler: I thought I was very charming, Stewart.
- Stew Smith: You did? That's a lot of hooey. I'll go and apologize.
- Binji Baker: Oh, a party! Great! Great! Jolly times and merry pranks! That's me! I'm a guy who loves parties.
- Mrs. Schuyler: The man's insane!
- Stew Smith: Sure, I'm insane, but I got some good news for you. This magnolia is leaving your sweet-smelling vanilla joint! This bird in a cage is gonna button his own pants from now on. And that's what's known as telling the mother-in-law!
- Stew Smith: Smythe, what do you do with yourself? I mean, when you're not carrying those 'double strength', what do you do?
- Smythe, The Butler: Well, sir, I putter.
- Stew Smith: Smythe... when you're alone and you want to amuse yourself, then what?
- Smythe, The Butler: I just putter.
- Stew Smith: You just putter? Do you have to have a putter to putter?
- Smythe, The Butler: No, sir. I putter with my hands.
- Stew Smith: Well, isn't that nice. You just go right ahead with your... that's all right. How do you do that?
- Smythe, The Butler: Well, sir, I'll show you.
- [moves and adjust various objects]
- Smythe, The Butler: That's puttering, sir.
- Stew Smith: No! That's... well, well... well, it's alright if you like it. Can anybody... anybody can do that?
- Smythe, The Butler: Oh, no, sir. Some people are natural putterers, others can never master it.
- Stew Smith: Oh, my. You mean some people are born and never would become putterers?
- Smythe, The Butler: Yes.
- Stew Smith: Oh, my. Wouldn't that be tragic, to know that you could never be a putterer?
- Smythe, The Butler: Yes, sir.
- Stew Smith: How about me? Do you think if I concentrated and put my whole soul into it, that some day I might be a putterer?
- Smythe, The Butler: You, sir? Mm-mm. You could never be a putterer. Not a good putterer, sir.
- Stew Smith: Well, if I couldn't be a good putterer, I don't want to putter. If I can't be a good putterer, this... why? What makes you think I couldn't be a good putterer?
- Smythe, The Butler: Well, sir, to be a putterer, one's mind must be at ease. A person with a problem could never be a putterer. For instance, a fish can putter in water, but not on land, because he'd be out of place. An eagle can putter around the rugged mountaintops, but not in a cage, because he'd be restless and unhappy. Now sir, if you will pardon me, with all respect, as a Smythe to a Smith, you are an eagle in a cage.
- Stew Smith: A bird? In a gilded cage?
- Smythe, The Butler: Yes, sir.
- Stew Smith: That's all I want to know.
- Stew Smith: Just listen to this.
- [reading from letter]
- Stew Smith: Adorable babykins, does her miss her baby? Him sends his bowlful little sweetmeats a billion oceans full of kisses. Bobo is so lonely...
- Anne Schuyler: Just a moment. I don't see how that trash can possibly concern me.
- Anne Schuyler: But you don't know who Bobo is. And you don't know who Babykins is.