Aight, let's make this simple.

If you are:

- Tired of the MCU (and multiverse in general)
- Tired of Ryan Reynolds and never want to hear or see him again
- Still averse to CGI blood after multiple decades of it
- Spiteful towards Millennial/Gen Z "online" humor
- Uninterested in/unwilling to engage with "the lore"
- Allergic to TMZ-style celeb culture
- Hateful of corporate branding
- Ethically opposed to fanboyism in general because you think it's a sign of low brain function
- Depressed by overuse of irony and post-irony in today's consumer culture/pop entertainment

Just save yourself and don't watch this. Please. Why torture yourself?

Because I got flashbacks to two other superhero flicks I saw fairly recently, both animated. Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse and Batman: The Doom that Came to Gotham. It reminded me of the former because of the laborious amount of pretextual and contextual knowledge needed to even functionally understand what anyone is saying or who anyone even is while said characters try to save their timeline. It reminded me of the latter because it's a functionally worthless story told only to make references for fans.

I gave both those movies 2.5 stars, one because it's beautiful and the other because of fanboyism. I'm more on the fanboy side here. Because I inherently recognize how hollow, overproduced, smarmy, and pandering this shit is. I didn't connect to any of the character moments, didn't buy in to the mixed-messages regarding the demise of Fox (the movie both pisses on its grave yet banks on your nostalgia), and stakes in this fucker might as well not exist. The theater I was in- half-full- must have all been non-MCU fans or people on their second viewing...because they barely reacted to callbacks, cameos, or Easter eggs.

I did laugh at this movie, though. Actually...I laughed constantly. And this fucker is violent. Great entertaining action scenes! And ya know... that's kinda all I wanted.

I kinda wanted a movie that just lazily and crappily makes fun of the MCU from within. I really wanted classic-suited Wolverine in film form. I really wanted an R-rated Wolverine that didn't take itself so seriously/function solely as a depressing Shane/True Grit/The Searchers re-skin. I loved the cameos, personally. I loved tons of jokes. It gave me fanboy joy, filled my heart with laffs, and helped me forget about my troubles for 2 hours. It's big goofy fun capeshit. It's just...one that is so media-literate and so "now" that it collapses under its own weight of self-awareness.

It's not that different from the previous films in the franchise, but being labored with tying loose ends and fitting within the MCU lore definitely starts to get frustrating during large exposition dumps. But I can't lie- this has some of the best lines in the series.

I dunno...I really enjoyed this in spite of the flaws because it does just offer the two things I needed- blood and jokes. I'm easy to please if you're style jibes with mine. And this one did. It just clicked. A shoe store called "Liefeld's Just Feet" is, for a DORK like me, such a pristine reference that I have to give a chef's kiss. Nicepool's attempt at breaking the fourth wall? Maybe the best ironically bad joke this century. Plenty of other awesome moments, humor-wise, I think.

That being said...is this series suddenly ironically bisexual? What the fuck happened? Why is this one so much gayer? Is it to re-imagine 2000s homophobia jokes as wink-wink "everyone's gay in some way" self-depreciation? It only worked in one scene, TBH. The tailor/suit-up scene. But that scene? Again, chef's kiss. Too many of those blissful moments for me to hate this...even though it's kinda a polished piece of shit.

You can't take the fanboy out of me. Part of me feels conflicted...but like I do with drugs, sometimes you just gotta give in and crush dem pills up for some happy times. Toke up and forget life. It's self-destructive, I know...but it's intoxicating. So is fanboyism. I spent most of this review shitting on it yet it STILL gets four stars! Much like what would happen if you listened to a straight-edge counselor give many good reasons to be a teetotaler...the simple response is just don't you even know how much fun you're missing out on?

One of us...one of us...one of us...ONE OF US!