Squidbillies

Squidbillies (2005–2021) is an American adult animated television series created by Jim Fortier and Dave Willis for Adult Swim.

Season 1

This Show Is Called Squidbillies [1.1]

Narrator: That large building over there is Dan Halen Sheetrock. They specialize in sheetrock, sheetrock mud, sheetrock screws, pharmaceuticals, petroleum, global mass media, third-world covert military operations, and...

TV Announcer: ...the Baby Hammock!

Take This Job and Love It [1.2]

Early: I do apprecinate the generous offer, but knifery is the tool of the idiot. I listen to my gut, and my gut tells me that this ain't a fit, but my heart says this could work and gut's a damn moron; so they get to carryin' on, and then my brain chimes in and sayin' I got to try my hand at the fast sex-paced world of adult literature.

---

Dan Halen: So under experience you've listed here, on your hat-shaped resume, that you can: skin a buck, run a trout-line and that all your rowdy friends-

Early: Are comin' over tonight, yes sir.

Dan Halen: Early, you're the most impressive squid I've interviewed for this position. Let's talk briefly about your work ethic.

Early: Well I don't think ethnics do no work. I mean, that's they problem, really. If you ain't like me, go hang from a damn tree.

Dan Halen: Overt racial prejudice. Impressive, Early.

---

Early: What I gotta do?

Dan Halen: Well, you're my boss, and as CEO, you'll have certain responsibilities like showing up...and leaving...and accepting liability for...certain class action lawsuits that may, or may not, and in fact, currently are being levied against new products, such as...

TV Announcer: The Pocket Surgeon! Just scrape the rust from the collapsible tumor scoop and...

(Dan stops the commercial)

Dan Halen: Look, you won't have to know any of this stuff. The point is people are dumb, not like you.

Early: Is my mind goin on me or am I watching you jibber jabber like some sort of jibberty box. Jibber Jabber on! Jibber Jabber on!

Dan Halen: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a brash intern. It won't happen again...sir.

Early: Well, damn. Now I feel bad. Tell you what, take the day off. Workin' with me, fire 'n ice. I gotta warn ye! Fire 'n ice.

School Days, Fool Days [1.3]

Early: Today we's learnin' about rawks. They's all kinds of rawks. These [picks up rock] is rawks which you throw. These here [throws rock at Rusty] is rawks that you get hit with. And this, [pulls out Rusty's tooth] is a tooth. Now time for attendence. Rusty.

[silence]

Early: Rusty.

[silence]

Early: [grabs Rusty] Boy, do you wanna pass this class or what?

Rusty: Yes I do Daddy I'd like that very much.

Early: Then when I say Rusty, you say here. Rusty.

Rusty: ... Rusty.

Early: Ok. On to history. What just happened?

Rusty: ... I dunno.

Early: Hell I dunno either. Must be a repossessed memory. Damn you party liquor! [looks at liquor, which is actually a can of paint thinner, in contempt and starts to drink]

---

Early: Today we's going on a field trip. This here's a field. And you's goin' take a trip!

Rusty: Daddy I din know we had well.

Early: We don't. [Throws Rusty into a well. Rusty screams] If ya get out ya pass.

---

[Rusty enters covered in sewage]

Rusty: Did I pass?

Early: Pass what?

Rusty: The field trip!

Early: ............. Nope. Now clean yourself up you're going to a prom.

---

[at a dance in Early's house, Lil is dancing with Rusty]

Granny: Oh. Do you mind if I cut between you lovely couple?

Lil: Oh, I believe this young man is taken.

Granny: Oh, I just got sassed by a whore.

Lil: [takes out knife] Back off, bitch he is mine!

Granny: [takes out knife] Yeah, let's see what whore moves you got.

[They start having a fight. They then start making out]

---

Rusty: Ain't nothin' gonna stop me now but my innate inabilitry to progress conganacious thunk.

Early: Now where's that money check? Come to your daddy, come on!

Sheriff: Oh hell, Early, I gave that to Granny.

Early: What the hell?

Sheriff: Well, I mean, she said she was the principal.

Early: She was the damn tennis coach! What kind of damn- [The three are run over by a passing train]

Chalky Trouble [1.4]

Early: Nope, I don't need no internet. No sir. Not in my life.

Rusty: What's that, daddy?

Early: Rusty, what do you think of white people?

Rusty: Well, I... I reckon they OK. I'll like 'em ol' Doobie Brothers.

Early: [To Granny] He ain't ready.

Granny: That's not rightly fair, Early. We all of us love 'em Doobie Brothers.

Early: Yeah, I reckon you right. Damn them Doobies and they Chinese Grove!

Granny: Russell, you ready for the special night tonight?

Rusty: What we gonna do? Go down Atlanta, whip our shirts off and start a bunch of bullmess?

Early: Nope [spits]... funner than that.

---

Granny: Give us the strength to cleanse the earth of the milk/chalk scourge, so's to keep 'em away from me.

Early: Dump 'em on an island! Blow up the island! (Shoots his gun in the sky) Whoo!

Granny: Look ye upon this cash money, a symbol of the whites' power, how they jingulate their pockets full of metal-y money.

(Early pulls a water jug full of coins)

Early: Burn all the...metal-ly money.

Granny: Burn it now!

(Early tosses the jug in the fire)

Early: Whoo! Alright now, Granny, burn your money.

Granny: No thank you (replaces money under robe)... and these skis, tools of their wicked recreational activity.

Early: Chalk-man a' skiing on his white snow in his tightie whites, just like the white wing dove sing a song about what they singin'!

Granny: Whoo, baby, whoo, baby, whoo.

Rusty: Burn the damn skis!

Early: At a boy Rusty, burn them sum-bitches, embrace the hatred!

Rusty: ...and they live in houses, don't they daddy?

[Early stares at Rusty and contemplates]

Early: Burn the damn house!

Lil: (Sitting inside the burning house) Huh... I guess white people do live in houses.

Rusty: Hot damn! What about these trees over here daddy?

Early: Hmm? What about these trees granny?

Granny: No, the trees are fine.

[Early stares at Rusty and contemplates]

Early: Burn the damn trees!

Granny: Burn 'em!

---

(A figure in a pure white robe emerges from the woods)

Granny: Look everyone, it's the creature from the prophecy!

Sheriff: Nah it's just me. Help me Oobi Wan, you're my only hope. (Picks up Early and kisses him) For luck. Remember that? Get it? Star Wars? (All stare at the Sheriff) Ain't this a Sci-Fi convention?

Early: Enter the circle of fire and answer the inquisitation

Granny: Answer the inquisitation!

Early: Tell me sheriff, what do you, eh, what do you think of white people?

Sheriff: Eh they're all right I guess. I mean I like 'em Doobie Brothers.

Early: Doobies aside! Doobies has been disquackified, alright?

Sheriff: Actually Early I really don't mind whites so much. I mean some of my best friends are white. Like me, I'm white!

Early: You what to the what now!

Sheriff: Did I mention to you that boys. Hey look... See, white as a Vidalia onion and twice as sweet.

Granny: Oh no!

Early: Ohhh denial. Denial!! I have done been deceptified by a salesman!

Granny: Burn the sheriff!

(Rusty sets fire to the tip of the Sheriff's shoe; the Sheriff stomps it out)

Sheriff: Hey, hey, hey. Woah, woah. Is this what this is all about, a hate white rally?

Early: Well it don't have to be just whites. I mean we're all inclusive here... except for those damn whites.

Sheriff: Why do you squids hate whites so badly?

Early: Typical. Whitey needs an explanation for every damn thing.

---

(After ordering Rusty to set fire to the house earlier in the episode)

Early: What happened to the damn house?

Rusty: That there is a symbol of the evil white chalky man daddy.

Early: It's a symbol of where I keep my shit, son!

---

Granny: I'll tell you something and I'll say it right now with my mouth and it needs to be listended: Whites is too reflective, with their sheeny skin, beating sunlight into my eyes.

Early: Can't tell them apart. Looking like a bunch of lightbulbs with shoes on, all be-boppin' around all over the place.

Granny: Except for you sheriff, you one of the good'uns...

Early: Oh yeah, yeah, you one of the good ones.

Sheriff: Thank you ma'm.

Granny: [Whispers] 'Cause you got a gun.

---

Early: Now sheriff, unless you come up here to sex-atize, hump-ify or bang-ulate my grandma, then I suggest you turn your purty little whitey wagon around and get on back to chalky town.

Sheriff: I will Early, but before I go I'm going to tell you where society would be without the white man. Eli Whitney, the inventor of the cotton gin, a white man. How about Crawford Long? He discovered Ether, when he wasn't busy being white. And you know that sphinx and the ancient pyramids of Egypt? Who do you think built those Rusty?

Rusty: I don't know... chalk-casians?

Sheriff: Actually no but they were in charge probably. Any fans of basketball out there? Here's a name, Larry Bird, the inventor of the slam dunk. That's a signature white move. Look it up. Rusty, you know the rap music?

Rusty: I know the NWA. (sings) The police going straight from the underground. They don't like a brother 'cause hes...brown.

Sheriff: Well those N's wouldn't have any A at all, if it wasn't for the white police state. In fact, all music: rock, R&B, gospel, even reggae descended from, you guessed it, whites. So now what do ya think? How you like me now?

Rusty: What about slavery?

Sheriff: Who abolished it? A white man, thank you.

Rusty: But didn't y'all like whip 'em and stuff?

Sheriff: Nuh-uh-uh Rusty, if it weren't for us whites, your land right over here would be completely overrun by red Indians.

Early: Uh-uh! Hell no! Not this land, Red Man! (Starts shooting wildly into the woods)

Sheriff: ...and your granny over there? She'd be plunkin' her life's savin's into five dollar slots at a Cherokee casino and spa watchin' Jay Leno perform for two weeks this October, followed by The Beach Boys featuring Mike Love.

(Gunshot awakens grandma)

Granny: Silence the lies. Ooohh. Why do things have to change? We've been hatin' whites since Jesus was a junebug!

Sheriff: Granny, even he was a white man. Here, take a look at this novelty plastic Jesus. Go ahead, pull his sandle.

[Granny pulls and it makes a fart sound and says "Gotcha"]

Granny: Aw...

[Early, having finally emptied his shotgun, throws it into the woods]

Early: Now get on back to ye' teepees!

Sheriff: Folks, my point is this: Whites.

---

Sheriff: Early, ain't no whites ever bothered you. I guess you just hatin' for the sake of hatin'.

Early: Mmmm, it ain't that sheriff, it's something else. [Begins to daydream] She was my dream, my muse, a vision suitable for the wide screen format. I can still tast

Family Trouble [1.5]

Rusty: Daddy, I need to know once and for all...

Early: Aw, dammit, not this again! I told you boy, if your momma's white then that makes me a damn chalky lover. Now do I look like a chalky lover to you?!?

Rusty: Well I don't know daddy, you do drink alot.

Early: Yes I do... and I fight... but, some other crazy sum-bitch is the one what bangulated and inpregnified that white womern, not I!

Rusty: So you're saying my mama was white?

(Early stares at Rusty and contemplates)

Early: Wait a minute, what'd I say?

---

Early: [Daydreaming about Krystal] Your mama was a vision in alabaster, a white lily of the field, rich with scented pollen and the sweet odor of the Morning Mist. Diet Morning Mist actually, although sometimes she would drink the regular if they's out of the diet. She was enormous; but Lord, did I love her... for 32 franatic seconds. (Swings hat over head) Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! The lovin' was good!

---

[Showing Rusty the family photo album]

Krystal: Well, then there's one of me. (Turns page) Here's one of them, what you call, them Glamour Shots, what have you. (Turns page) What do you know, there's me! Nope, that's a bus.

Rusty: Am I in any of these pictures momma?

Krystal: Well, uh... well look at this one, I'm about eight months pregnant with you in this one.

Rusty: Ooh...

Krystal: Yeah, I sent that in to Spunk magazine. Fools rejected it. You'd print this, wouldn't you?

---

Rusty: My daddy said you was like a huge dollop of sour cream - rich and zesty, with a little bit of bite.

Krystal: How is your daddy?

Rusty: Ah he's good, he's good, just got out of prison not too long ago.

Krystal: No, I'm sorry - who, who's your daddy? Anyone I know?

Rusty: Uhh, Early Cuyler.

Krystal: Tall guy?

Rusty: Nope.

Krystal: Big belly?

Rusty: No, not the one.

Krystal: Kinda looks like Charlie Sheen?

Rusty: Not him either.

Krystal: Or is Charlie Sheen?

Rusty: Mmm no, not Charlie Sheen.

Krystal: Is he a football team?

Rusty: Nope.

Krystal: Is he the groundskeeping crew for the football team?

Rusty: No.

Krystal: Are you sure it's not Charlie Sheen?

Rusty: No momma! Early Cuyler's his name! About yay high. I've been told we look alike, espically around the eye region - same shape of eye, you know, right here.

---

Early: Howdy doody to you, Krystal. It's been many years - but you, you ain't moved a bit.

---

Doctor: Hmm now that's interesting.

Early: What?

(Doctor hits dead rabbit with a hammer)

Doctor: This rabbit's been hit by a hammer.

Office Politics Trouble [1.6]

Narrator: Early's tenure as CEO of Dan Halen International had not been long, but it had been distinguished. By drunkenness, hair-trigger violence, and a total lack of performance. I would call it a steady decline in performance, but that would imply that he performed at one point in time. In fact he had not. He was drunk.

---

Early: Allow me to explain the contamination process: pine cones go in here, party liquors come out here, and proceed to here (pointing at mouth); fights begin, fingerprints is took, days is lost, bail is made, court dates are ignored, cycle is repeated.

---

Early: Aw hell, that's the office! I can't believe I have to go into the office on a Wednesday! Them people can't wipe they ass without me!

---

Early: Howdy doody, Donna, nice ass this morning, yeah! You wearing panties?

Donna: Actually, I need to get off here...

Early: Steve, big dog! Here's the pot I've been growin' on my property. See if this don't help wit' your wife bitchin' and all that mess!

Steve: Not here, man...

Early: Pine cone liquor? Anybody? Well then...how 'bout a fried possum pecker? Uh oh! [belches]

---

Early: See if that sumbitch'll fax now.

Glenn: It never was able to fax. It's a coffee maker.

Early: (long pause) You dumbass, you can't fax coffee! Coffee don't fax worth a damn. Every time the rain hits it'll run. Damn you uhh dumb sumbitch.

---

Early: What did I tell you about drinking underneath the age?

Rusty: You said if I could afford to bring back enough for you then you don't care what I do and It's my body and I can kill it however I want to and America's about freedom

Early: Son, there's every chance in the world I was drunk when I said that, and it's your welfare I care about. You know, that check? Did it come today?

Season 2

Government Brain Voodoo Trouble

Therapist: Alright, look. I want you to take all those things that are eating away, weighing you down inside, and I want you to pull them all out... and scream them out at the top of your lungs. Sheriff?

Sheriff: Who, me?

Therapist: Yeah, just cut loose. I mean, just get it all off your chest. This is a safe haven for both of you gentlemen.

Sheriff: Okay. (Shuffles to edge of cliff) Well, you see... Early... well, he don't respect...

Early: Are you done? Everybody stand back, it's my turn.

Sheriff: No...

Early: Nyuh huh, I just called it. (Begins to nudge the Sheriff out of the way)

Sheriff: (Kicks Early away) Don't you push me! You always push me into positions I don't like! I'm the law! And you break the law and you still expect me to be your friend? How can I be who I am and still be in a relationship with you! It's always about you! You think you're the center of the universe and we all...

[Cut to several hours later, sunset]

Sheriff: ...moved the show to Friday, head-to-head with CSI? Come on! You've got to give a show time to find an audience...

[Cut to several hours later, night has fallen]

Sheriff: ...hell, you know he can act! He played Doogie Howser for seven seasons!

Therapist: (Claps) Excellent work gentlemen, excellent. (Looks at watch, begins to back away) Hey, ah, I think this is about as good as it gets, guys...

Sheriff: Naw! Naw! Without us they have no network...

[Cut to serveral hours later, sunrise]

Sheriff: ...often wondered if I even do have a pair! Yes, of testicles! (Grabs crotch) I've never seen them, no! And you dressed me in chiffon! Pretty, pretty chiffon! Well, guess what! I think I'm pregnant... again! Thanks a lot, mama! (Whips off shirt and throws it off the cliff) Whew, well, that felt pretty good.

---

Therapist: (Begins to back away) I, I really need to, um, sorta wrap this thing up.

Early: Wait a minute! Ain't I gonna get to yell nothin'?

Therapist: Well, (sighs) sure Early... go ahead.

Early: Whoo! Gimme back my bullets! Ooh, that smell! What the hell is that smell? (Holds up lighter) Whoo!

Therapist: Well, um... do you have any concerns of not really a Skynyrd-deep cut?

Early: Uh, yeah, something has been kinda gnawing at me. Stand back. (Yells off cliff) Show me them titties!

Sheriff: Are you talkin' to my mama?

Early: If she'll do it! Will she do it?

---

Therapist: I'm not a therapist. I'm The Rapist.

Butt Trouble

Granny: Don't you dare hurt him!

Early: Oh, and what's your saggy mouth gunna say about it?

Granny: Ablomandelebicus, Pentoculus, Benturpenoise, Farntormion, Crisco, Dophenecta, Glabbaflontonion, Smectarufus, Fontanox, Chicken Dance, Trenoctor, Pontallafamarion, Tudonox, Mellicanisis!

[the walls of the house open up and Earlie is struck by lightning]

Early: You lucky bitch! That is the one thing you coulda said.

Granny: Yeah okay.

Early: One o' these days, you ain't gon' remember that freaky word. I'll be around!

Granny: Why don't you take that weak shit to the park? Where maybe the squirrels'll care.

---

Sheriff: Early, it's my job to protect and serve all forms of life, even the unhatched. Every American has the right to life!

Rusty: Even that crazy bitch in Houston what killed all them cats in the bathtub?

Sheriff: Well yeah, she should die, but I'm talking about the unborn. Inside that egg is a beatin' heart; a soul, this small. And uh, while I don't understand how Rusty might have conceived-

Early: Diplarobosomosexualosmosis, right down 'ere in his buttcrack.

Sheriff: Alright, alright, whatever, is that how he did it? My point is, this is a life. And even though you don't love it, you don't have any money, and you won't give it any opportunities, this here egg could grow up to be president. Or find the cure for homosexuality! waiterminute, hell, even become the next Tom T. Hall!

Early: So whatcher sayin' is uh, that my grandbaby rightchere might someday grow up to be the gay president of Tom T. Hall? Outstandiner than hell.

---

Early: Fruit don't talk, fruit just listens... and waits.

Granny[after being shot by Rusty}: Jesus! I've been filled by your spirit! Oh no wait a minute I thinks that's a bullet. I'm comin' Jesus.

Rusty: I'm sorry Granny you alright?

Granny: Aaaah! A Talkin' honeydew! It's the apocalypse!"  :

Early: "I'm bout ta slap ya lips!"

Granny "Did one of you assholes just shoot me?!"

Double Truckin' the Tricky Two

Early: Aight now, ya'll bow yer heads. Lord...(Rusty blares out Electronia music and begins dancing with glowsticks) Russell, kindly turn down the electronica. (Rusty turns off music) Lord, please allow these scratched lottery tickets with their slivery seasonings to nourish our bodies as they were unable to do the same to our wallets. And thank ya fer the untimely frost which clamed my bananer orchard. Oh, I was a fool ta plant bananers on a mountain! You made sure of that. So, in short, thanks for nothin'.

Lil: Ain't you gonna thank him fer that truck-boat-truck of yers?

Early: You silly bitch! Don't be tellin' him 'bout my truck-boat-truck!

Rusty: But, Daddy, you tell everybody 'bout that truck-boat-truck. That's yer pride and joy.

Early: 'Cause its bad-ass is why! Check out this mess!

(cuts to Early spinning the tires of a monster truck)

Early: Listen to that 450 big block! Wahow!

(engine explodes)

Swayze Crazy

Lil: That ain't Patrick Swayze.

Granny: He is if I have enough cold beer.

Early: Patrick, I know you must get this all the time, but if it wouldn't be too much trouble for ya, would you please drop a double duce ass whoopin' on my boy.

Patrick Swayze: I'm from texas... I ride horses.

Giant Foam Dickhat Trouble

Early: "I ain't goin' no where.....cept' hell. And I'm takin' you with me."

---

Early: Don't time fly when you're drunk as hell!

---

Early: Oh Lord who done made all creatures great and small in his own image: Did you make 'em fine-ass-soundin' speakers over there what would sound gooder than hell comin' out of the back of my truck-boat-truck? Well if you don't want me to jimmy-jack 'em sweet tweeters you best give me a sign...

(Early rips off a sticker reading "EARLY CUYLER / DO NOT TOUCH!")

Early: A new sign - I done seen that'n.

---

(Early awakens from a coma to the sound of a life support machine. He opens his eyes to see his son Rusty standing over him saying "Boop... boop... boop...")

Rusty: Y'all hear that? That's what it'd sound like if we had insurance.

---

Early: Yes granny - I seen the light. Like a DUI roadblock in the sky. But I pulled a U-ie and hauled ass through the woods! And now my life has purpose. Goodbye party liquor! Gunnery, you have a good'un! Masturbation... uh... let's just call it a hiatus. From now on, I am a bushhog on the front-end loader of the Lord!

---

Early: (In a strip club) Yes darlin', your chest is full and heaving. But what about the heart that lays beneath them puppies? Look here (pulls out a religious tract)... I want you to read this here literature.

(Stripper reaches to take the tract; Early jerks it away)

Early: Nope! Pick it up with your butt cheeks!

---

Granny: Will you keep it down for cryin' out loud? I'm trying to watch my stories. (Stares at a butter churn which has replaced the TV) And I'm havin' a really hard time. Stories?

Early: Nuh-uh. I done give away the story box. From now on we gonna enjoy this classic butter churn. (Begins churning)

Granny: (Looks around) Oh where's the TV? 'Cause now I'm pissed.

Early: Come on now, everybody take a turn! Idle hands is the devil's ding-a-ling!

---

Early: I'll be here for 40 days and 40 nights if thats what it takes to keep these commandments on display! What's next, they're goin' to try to take it out of our schools? Bullmess! I am against it!

(Shows Early later in the same place)

Early: I'm against mens kissin mens, for any reason, but when womerns do it... [coughs]... That, uh, that seems alright. Uhh, any womerns here willing to make out with another woman...

(Shows Early even later while still in the same place)

Early: I'm against all digits below and above the number 9. They, they all blasphemous. Uhh, and Nitrogen, 'cause you know it was brought here in ships by space Jews! Hell yeah, you know the ones.

Meth O.D. to My Madness

Early: Can't take the pee, get out the pee-ery!

---

Early: How'd a hog, what ain't got no money, get money to buy damn drugs, Lil!

---

Early: Is your hog on drugs? How would you know? How could you tell? Look for these here warnin' signs. Sudden weight loss. Euphoria leadin' to paranoia. Stealitization of your thangs. And jibbery-style oinkery what make no sense a 'tall. Warn your hog about the dangers of meth a 'fore it's too damn late. I'm Early Cuyler and this concludes my court-ordered community service.

Terminus Trouble

Sheriff: Looks like they found out your name wasn't Awesome Bill from Dawsonville.

Early: Well yeah it is.

Sheriff: ... No. Early, it's not.

Early: Damnit to hell you know that too?

---

Sheriff: Well, here we are! Terminus, capital of the dirty south. Rising like a phoenix from the ashes of the civil war. Y'all recongnize this place here?

Rusty: Wait a minute, this the place where Kenny Rogers shot that scene with the kids of Six Pack, ain't it?

Sheriff: 1982! The coward of the county's own self stood right here!

---

:

Sheriff: Stone Mountain. World's most appropriately named mountain in the South East. And look carved there on the side, the four horseman of the confederacy. Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, and Pacman!

Early: A rebel's hero. Come up to Gettysburg to kick some damn ass! If it weren't for Pacman, we might'a lost the damn war!

Early: Take that! You other inanimate... sales items!

Judge:Counselour approach the bench...your lookin' at an uphill battle here, I mean he did look at him crossways, and this is Georgia, I mean, we are still very backwards, in many ways.

A Sober Sunday

Dan Halen: Jesus loves you. Why doesn't the government?

Rebel Without a Claus

Early: (on Rudolph's head) Check this out--a bonafide 8-point. I'm gonna mount it on my toilet.

Santa: (tied to a chair) He was so rare.

Early: He's about to be medium-rare.

---

Santa: What could you possibly want from me?

Early: Oh, I think you know what I want, Santy Claus.

Santa: Cuyler, it's impossible...

Early: I only ever asked ya for one thing.

Santa: I just...I can't do it.

Early: (jumping onto Santa's beard) Damn it, I been a good boy! Now how many years I gotta wait? I want me the greatest gift of all!

Santa: I won't bring you the still-beating heart of Jeff Gordon! All right? I've said it!

Early: Well...Nicholas, I'm disappointed. We'll do it this way--Russell, get me my straight razor.

Santa: No, no, please, we don't have to go this way.

Early: Okay, okay, you right.

Santa: Thank you.

Early: I'm thinkin' the rusty fish scaler instead.

---

Head Elf: Dispatch the Silent Knights!

---

Elves: (disguised as carolers in a manger, singing) Fall on your knees...

(They pull out ninja weapons)

Elf: I said fall on your knees, you son-of-a-bitch!

"'Early"': What the- "'Granny"':It's a trap!

---

Santa: What are you going to do to me?

Early: You ever see the movie Saw II?

Santa: Oh no, oh no, please, please...

Early: No? Me, neither.

---

Early: I done tell you once, you son-of-a-bitch, I'm the best that's ever been!

Santa: What?

Rusty: Fire in the mountain, run boys run!

Season 3

Beast Implants

Early: Come on, man. We was just teasin' with the government.

Granny: So, Medicare ain't gonna spring for no fake funbags?

Early: Medicare. Medicare don't care. Medicaint!

Early: We wait, actually, you wait (starts sinking into the floor of his truck, a smaller truck-boat-truck emerges from beneath the truck) Escape pod only holds one, fight the good fight son! (mini truck-boat-truck horn plays 'La Cucaracha')

Wing Nut

Dan Halen: Science, you cheap whore.

---

Dan Halen: Go behind the Dumpster and mate the tangy with the mild.

Rusty: Well, how I go about doing that?

Dan Halen: Tie Tangy up, have a black chicken fuck it in a fake rape scenario while Mild watches helpless because that's what gets him off.

Mephistopheles Traveled Below to a Southern State Whose Motto Is "Wisdom, Justice and Moderation"

Rusty: Hail Satan, my dark lord and master.

---

Satan: I'm gonna own you all, just like I own this little bitch here! Come on. Come to daddy.

Rusty: Wait a minute, now. I thought you said this was free. I didn't have to do nuthin' for it.

Satan: Listen to the little whiny bitch. Boy, he's really gonna hate it when he gets to Hell.

Rusty: I don't wanna go to hell! Come on, do something, Daddy!

Satan: You know, it's actually not much worse than your current situation. I mean, yeah, we have really high taxes, but hey, you earn real money at least. I mean, we do have jobs down there. It's not everything you hear.

Rusty: Oh, really?

Satan: Hahaha, no! You are raped by fire all day! And the days are longer down there! Oh, there's plenty to drink. You know what you drink? FIRE, motherstuffer, that's what! Dinner? That's a root that makes you thirsty for more flippin' fire! You understand? It's ridiculous what I've set up down there!

---

Rusty: Cmon Roy Clark I summon you from hell.

Early: Banjo is dated! Just cuz we live up here we supposed to like banjo!? How very damn trite!

Earth Worst

Early: (while Sheriff and the hippies "copulate") Damn! Smells like somebody took a massive dump on a huge pile of crap and soaked the whole thing in a jug of week-old farts and lit the whole caboodle on fire.

Rusty: Yeah, just like you done on the last Fourth of July, Daddy.

Early: I sure did. I support the troops.

The Good One

Rusty: Oh my God! It's Ridley Scott's "Alien"! Look at it! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Early: No, son, it ain't Ridley Scott's "Alien". It's worse.

---

Early: (taking Lil's babies to the "movies") Alright. C'mon y'all. C'mon. Step right in to the movies. Yeah, see what Hollyweird has cooked up next. Getcha good seat now. You don't wanna miss them previews.

Rusty: Daddy, this ain't the movies.

Early: No movies. Lake boat.

---

Early: I have dubbed thee Herschel Walker Cuyler Them Dawgs is Hell Don’t They!

---

Early: "I have re-evalutated the saturation, and I have convoluted that you ain't wild... You're mild."

The Appalachian Mud Squid: Darwin's Dilemma

Early: Y'all bow your damn heads! We thank you, Lord, for mans like myself, males of the masculine variety, winners all of us. And we thank you for the womerns too, and how you made them out of a part of a man that he don't never need nor want, to live by our rules and our pleasures. [chomps] The chicken is good. Amen.

Tuscaloosa Dumpling

Early: Look at me Granny, I'm goin to get me a job and respect from my peers just because I say so!

---

Granny: Oh rusty your so stupid and sweet"

---

Early: You got to earn this, boy! You understand me?

---

Rusty: I reckon I don't never understand you.

---

Early: And I don't prefer that you do! All my musins and my ramblins.

Armageddon It On!

Early: War, Famine, Death... and grasshoppers. Looks like one just dont quite belong does it?

---

Early: Mute yer wooo's boy.....there's a seven headed beast afoot."

---

Santa: Okay, this is Big Crimson Daddy. Stop production on all sex toys immediately.

Elf: We're... everything?

Santa: Uh... I could maybe fold the anal beads team into yo-yos, but... but no vibrators.

Elf 2: Can't we just call them "back massagers"?

Santa: No... yes. Yes, we can make that work. I'll call Sharper Image.

Elf 3: What about these, Santa?

Santa: The Kalishnakovs? With the Drum-Triber air sight and the fixed stock... oh, God, that's a nice weapon... uh... let me hold off on that one.

---

Dan Halen: I have to say it was all worth it! Screw every last one of you!

---

Reverend: Who even cares? Life is merely a fantasy draped in confusion. The curtain is yanked back from the charade!

Early: Would you grab my skull bong, from the reverend please?

Gimmicky Magazine Show Spoof Parody About Dan Halen

Melissa: We caught up with Halen in his inground pool, inexplicably built in the middle of a giant lake, which is itself a giant aboveground pool.

---

Melissa: Mr. Halen, take a look at this. (Turns on TV showing a police riot) The Chicago Democratic Convention in 1968.

Dan Halen: Ah, the '60s. I'll never forget them.

Melissa: I believe that's you in the upper-left corner hitting someone with a chain.

Dan Halen: (laughing) I remem-- I remember I made that guy taste the chain. "Taste the chain," I said again and again, long after he was incapable of tasting anything.

Melissa: We found this in the archives after the invasion of Poland. (Plays stock footage of Halen alongside Adolf Hitler, saluting in full uniform and shouting, "Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil!")

Dan Halen: We belonged to the same gym. I suppose you'll take that image out of context and make it into something.

Melissa: Here you are in Berlin in 1926.

Dan Halen: So I used to be a transvestite cabaret host. You have a point with this?

Melissa: According to our research, Dan Halen has apparently existed throughout recorded history.

Dan Halen: (against a montage featuring him in a direct capacity, starting with...) Everyone tortured political prisoners during the medieval era. (Atop a Mayan pyramid, pulling out a heart) This sacrifice led to plenty of rain. The maize crop that year was wonderful. (At the feet of the Crucifixion, wooden hammer in hand) I was taking the nail out. I was trying to help the man. (Cave painting of a body struck by three arrows and Halen with lit torch, dragging woman by the hair) Well, it's not like I invented fire. (As a monk holding a rat over a body) So I spread some of the Black Plague. (Whipping Egyptian slaves) Those Egyptians were trying to steal precious artifacts from the British museum. (Atop a unicorn, close to a Tyrannosaurus) Well, that-- that was just an accident.

Melissa: Mr. Halen, these pictures prove you're tens of thousands of years old.

Dan Halen: Melissa...

Melissa: What do you say to these charges?

Dan Halen: I don't recall.

Melissa: You don't recall that you're a living embodiment of evil?

Dan Halen: Uh, no. No, I don't recall that.

Melissa: A plague on humanity from the beginning of time?

Dan Halen: Mmm...no. No, I don't recall.

Melissa: We have film evidence. We have pictures.

Dan Halen: Come on!

Melissa: What could you possibly say to these charges, Mr. Halen?

Dan Halen: I'm sorry, but I'm not equipped to reach a conclusion regarding that assessment at this time. And what's more, let me add that I will explode your head for saying that.

Melissa: Mr. Hal... (Her head explodes)

Dan Halen: Yes, there's no such thing as a free necklace, muckraker.

Flight of the Deep Fried Pine Booby

Early: Granny, that which you babble on makes no damn sense to anybody

An Officer and a Dental Dam

Dan Halen: I should have put it together. The copious references to "Nature Boy" Ric Flair and former Black Crowes bassist Johnny Colt. Hell, Halen, they're written on waffle bar napkins. Where was my analytical mind?!

The Okaleechee Dam Jam

Early: Hell yeah. You stepped up. You handled your business!

Season 4

Lerm [4.1]

Lerm: Death to America!

The Liar, the Bitch and the Bored Rube [4.2]

Early: Listen here. Readings don't never not done nothing for not NOBODY!

---

Granny: I think you mean 'not nonebody'.

---

Early: Excuse me, not nonebody. Never not no one, didn't about no reason, not never, and by God they never not ain't gonna will!

The Big Gay Throwdown [4.6]

Sheriff: You're under arrest for entrapment...of my heart."

Earlie Cuyler: "You hate what you fear and, you fear what you don't understand.

God's Bro [4.8]

Dan Halen: Do you think this is the only illegal thing I have to do today?

---

Dan Halen: Allow me to pose a hypothesis. Say, hypothetically, I... slayed a prostitute during an 8-Ball fuelled weekend of debauchery. I know, it sounds silly but bear with me. Would this hole in space-time be a good place for such a hypothetical and now very lifeless body?

---

Dan Halen: I've tailored your film to appeal to the local populous... as they drag their jaws through the street like common simians.

---

Dr. Horny: I'm Doctor Horny, and you know what that means; I love poon-tang... but enough about your Mom!

Season 5

Young, Dumb and Full of Gums [5.4]

Early: I like the way the tiny food bits mix with my spit, and get all soft so I can swallow em down my neck tube.

Frivolacious Squidigation [5.6]

Granny: A fool and his money...

Earlie Cuyler: Together again!

Season 13

This Show Was Called Squidbillies [13.10]

Narrator: And so Rusty moved with Tammy and Macho Man to Elberton, thus hopefully breaking the cycle of poverty and abuse. Early would swear to exact his revenge, but like many things in Early's life, he never followed through, deeming Elberton too close to the edge of the flat earth and not worth scaling an ice wall to tangle with dragons. This show...was called Squidbillies.