Tim Westwood

“West-wooood! [A crude explosion sound effect is played three times, followed by an air-horn and the sound of 50 Cent throwing up into a pedal bin]”

~ Tim Westwood on Tim Westwood

“Check how it's going down, its the original big dog of the DJ game so bow down and kiss the ring - and I don't wear any jewellery!! Ha ha!! What a good joke, yes? OW!!! Shit!”

~ Tim Westwood on his radio show, before being punched by someone who hates him (could be anyone)

“I spit more shit than.............your momma, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

~ Westwood on On being a cunt

“This man seems to believe incorrectly that he is of african american descent”

~ Captain Obvious on on Westwood

Tim, with his three brothers Gregory, Rupert, and Hightower

Tim Westwood (born Timothy Gideon Henry [explosion sound effect] Westingwood-Smyth, on 3rd October 1547) is a legendary DJ, TV presenter, clown and full time African-American impersonater. He hosts his own radio show on BBC Radio 1, as well as being the face of MTV's Pimp My Ride in the UK. He is also well known for his line of shampoos and conditioners, released under the Pantene brand name, which he shares with the Elephant Man. He is the longest holder of the title of England's Whitest Man.

He spends most of his evenings and weekends lying in a pool of pimp juice, and this is before he even goes out.

History

Despite being born through an anus and educated at McDonalds, Westwood speaks as if he belongs to a crack-dealing street gang in South London. This endearing quirk in his personality eventually resulted in his family raping him and ripping his flesh off and wrapping it around the fathers penis for that extra inch on his 35th birthday.

He moved to London and began a 5-year free-style busking marathon outside Virgin Megastore on Oxford Street. Senior BBC producer Andy Parfait, whilst shopping at Virgin for Enya box-sets, spotted Tim's enormous potential and hired him on the spot out of pity.

In 2002, the RAF attempted to enlist Westwood to help in the Afghan war. Senior RAF personnelle had expressed the desire to strap Westwood to the underside of a jet so he could "drop the bomb" on Taliban positions with lethal accuracy. However, Westwood declined saying he wanted to "keep it real" and hoped the RAF would "know how we do it". Sources say that real reason behind Westwoods reluctancy in joining the war against the Taliban was that Westwood has substantial investments in Afghanistan's burka-industry.

Broadcasting

First time listeners to his radio show can be forgiven for thinking they have accidentally tuned into a Los Angeles underground hip-hop-club-DJs private after-party, such is the raw energy and "growling crunk flavas" that roar out of every minute of the Radio 1 Westwood Rap Show.

Tim keeps his audience entertained with made-up phrases spoken in a thick Brooklyn/Surrey accent, while special guests such as Eminem and Bob Hoskins clutter up the studio, shouting, swearing, free-styling and playing Boggle. Occasionally, the latest "fresh cuts" (records) are played along with a variety of sound-effects, including explosions, air-horns, malfunctioning merry-go-rounds and bleating goats.

"Speak Like The Big Dog"

Westwood is famous for developing his own extensions to the English language. The following are regularly bellowed by Tim during his radio show, often accompanied by explosion sound-effects.

Probably about to Drop Very Big Dogs Up In Your Grill!

• Drop The Bomb!
• Very Big Things!
• Read A Good Book!
• It's The Big Dog!
• Banging In Your Grill!
• Quite Right Too!
• Go Hard Brother Number One!
• This Is How We Does!
• Was This Isn't Who Dares Wins!
• Snap Crackle Pop!
• You Know How We Do-Do-Do Ba-Da-Da-Da!
• Findus Crispy Pancakes!
• That Car is Mad, Small!
• Bow Down And Kiss Ring!

Trivia

• Tim was awarded Mofo Magazine's prestigious "Most Grills Banged All Up In" Award both in 2003 and 2006.
• Westwood was treated in hospital for 8 bullet wounds to his head and testicles, after a drive-by shooting in Kennington, South London, on 18 July 1999.
• In May 2005, Lil' Jon, the so called "King of Cunts" appeared on the show for a "Who is the most annoying man in hip-hop?" competition, lots of banter and abuse ensued, and listeners has the chance to get behind either Westwood or Lil' Jon. Westwood was crowned "the biggest dick" after a tough, vicious contest, which Westwood misunderstood as an oppurtunity to put his penis inside Lil' Jon's face.
• On this day in 1806, Westwood was roundly pwned by KRS-1 on his Radio 1 rap show. Westwood's advocacy of Berkeleyan solipsism was anathema to KRS-1, who believed in "keeping it real". KRS-1 did a wee on Tim Westwood's arm, and then left the studio cackling maniacally.
• Engaged to long term partner Adam First in 2005
• He was briefly leader of a Rap ensemble named 'WWA'
• It is believed that Dolly Partons song Son of a Preacher Man is actually about her secret affair with Westwood.
• He is widely believed to be an absoloute dick.
• It is a true fact that Westwood phones home three minutes before arriving so his family can play his introduction track, so when he walks into the house he enters to a crude explosion and the sound of Westwoooooooooooooooooooooooooooood in da house.
• Wrap it up before you slap it up!

See also

• Simon Bates
• WWA